I believe in omens. And I am not alone. One of my dear blog friends does too, and mentioned her omen (a rainbow that lasted for many miles) in her latest post. The only reason I don't mention her by name, is because some of you delinquents will go out of your way to piss on her rainbow in a sadistic attempt to make the colors run.
But enough about people who aren't me. Just a short while ago, I sat down at a coworker's desk to browse for porn on her computer (it's where I'm writing this post), and it was there that I spotted my omen.
It's a reminder, in the form of a bookmark, that I need to work on my relationship. It's entitled: "Don't Let Stress Bust Your Relationship", and it has 9-bulleted tips for taking the wind from your shorts and putting it back in your sails.
You're asking me, will my love grow? I don't know.
How did the fine folks at www.zimmy.com know that stress was making my relationship its bitch? Well, no matter. It's a bookmark, not a woman, so I'll dutifully listen to it and heed its advice.
1) Take a deep breath and count to ten before speaking
One ... two ... three ... four ... five ... six ... seven ... eight ... nine ... ten. There. Ten good reasons why I need to kill you right this instant. Wait. Did I just say that out loud?
2) Focus on your partner's positive traits
I like the way you leave each morning to go to work. Sure, I hate you at first. But after awhile the anger dissipates somewhat. I like how your absence makes the heart grow fonder. Oh, not my heart. But somebody's heart, I'm sure. I like how you have the same number of limbs that I do, making those countless hours as a youth in front of a full-length mirror practice time well spent. I like how you just know when to stop speaking and move on to snoring.
3) Recall a happy memory the two of you have shared
Remember when your mom passed away and left us all of that money? Remember when that chubby kid with the Prince Valiant haircut tripped and fell on the midway, smooshing his chocolate ice cream perfectly into his face? Remember those crisp fall mornings when we woke up to find that George W. Bush had been elected and then re-elected?
4) Reserve time for each other by trimming your to-do list
Trimming your hoo-ha has been on both of our "to-do" lists. So be there. Friday, 7PM. Informal attire. Blackhead removal gun: optional.
5) Find something that makes you both laugh
Honey, let's go see CrashTestComic's act. Oh wait, it has to make us LAUGH. Nevermind. I'm sure we'll think of something.
6) Do something nice for your partner to show you care
Jim Morrison once took a ring from a groupie that he just had his way with, and gave it to his girlfriend. Though admittedly it's not a Hallmark moment, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
7) Ask thoughtful questions about your partner's day
"So, how was the parking?" "Do they still have that vending machine on the 3rd floor?" "Are there any women at work that you consider to be more attractive than you?" "How many calories did you burn?"
8) Spend some time alone caring for your needs
Let's see. I'm low on hand lotion, so I'll need to swing by Walgreen's. Hmmmm, The Golden Girls comes on at 4. And then Katie Couric starts to weave her magic at 5. Then a quick sauna at the YMCA. That should do it.
9) Tell your partner that you love them, and why
Um, I love you. Why? Because if you love something, set it free. I saw a black-light poster like that once, from the hippy era. So you are free to go, my love. No, wait. Don't go. I just remembered that I haven't had my dinner yet.
Okay, you slackers. It's your turn. Love doesn't have to be a battlefield. It can be a beautiful field with manicured grass, fragrant flowers, and granite markers arranged in elegantly precise formations.
Finding My Way Back...
2 weeks ago