Health Care Plans

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I am very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed, and it was obvious that a hot young female nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?".

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health care plan."



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A Nature Story To Inspire

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.




Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

My Confession

Hello everyone,

Be careful what you ask for. Here is an excruciatingly long and equally tedious post, chock full of crap that I've written on autopilot. So enjoy!

Though I was delighted by the wild explosion of comments for my last post, I was a little disappointed that some of my blogging friends haven't stopped by to leave a comment. That's okay though. I realize that sometimes people get overwhelmed with their own lives, and that I can - and unfortunately do - slip out of the top-3 on your priority lists. I recently nudged a tad closer to the darker/bluer side of blogging, and this "change in course' may no longer be in alignment with some of your tastes. That's okay too.

You see, I knew as early as my second post (The Great Bowling Analogy) that I would have to take risks with my blog. Ones that might alienate and lose readers, yet hopefully capture new audience members, ultimately helping my overall circle of blog buddies to grow. What can I say? I'm a whore! It's much more gratifying to post for dozens of lurkers than for a handful. Ditto for commenters. So even though I miss those of you who no longer comment or choose to visit, I've got to be me. As disgusting as that sounds.

And while I'm on my soapbox, it's no fun to consistently comment on other blogs just to not to have those bloggers reciprocate. It's even less gratifying to have one's comments consistently go unacknowledged. So unless a blogger is just doing it for a gaggle of friends, and is uninterested in meeting new people, he or she should take heed.

I'd been considering a separate blog (or even two more) in order to segregate my posts according to content. But I came to realize that I have my hands full with this blog, and maintaining another blog just to hang onto 4 or 5 viewers is not a luxury time-wise that I can afford. So for the present, this is it.

Then I sold my soul to this Clown. What can I say? With "Jughead Goober Cokehead Mo-Fo" still in the White House, it remains a "Buyer's Market" for souls.


I am now a proud(?) affiliate of his Mighty Blog Network. Apparently among other perks I'm entitled to any virgins remaining in heaven after the rest have been allocated to Al Queda nutjobs.

But there is a problem. I have a deep dark secret. One that will eventually defy any of my futile attempts to conceal it. A secret SO heinous, so sinister, and so reprehensible, that even THIS man would recoil in disgust and refuse to discuss it on camera.


So I am therefore doomed to a fate of never being featured in any of his shows. No "American Justice" or "Cold Case Files" for me. Not even as a victim. For if Bill Kurtis were to even utter my name, the resultant self-loathing would prevent him from ever smiling again. This was his reaction when only the first 2-syllables of my name were mentioned.

So what is this horrible secret? Was it my narcotics-induced fling with Courtney Love? A relationship so twisted and bizarre, perhaps, that it was I who was considered the more pyschotic one?


No, it was much worse than that.

Was it that I fell in with another* (* I mean BESIDES my current crew of commenters) bad crowd? One that still held a candle for Charlie Manson and also one that sadistically assigned Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme to be my life partner?


No, unfortunately it didn't have that glorious, spiritual edge to it. My crime was way more revolting.

Well then, what could it be? Did I become involved with one of these shady ladies of ill-repute?


Even though I do have many "Chicken Foot' tattoos winding their way throughout my barnyard of a body (which, so I've heard, Rev-Ree is into), no, it's not that either.

"Well Puerileuwaite, you recently mentioned being voted "Creepiest Trenchcoat Guy" by "Bad Touch" magazine. Have you been consorting with this guy?"


No. I haven't seen him since our last matinee in Florida together. By the way, if he offers you popcorn, but insists on keeping the bucket stationary on his lap, consider that a big, red flag.

Is my deep, dark secret that I arranged play dates or sleepovers for Jacko?


No. So you can just "Beat It" with this crackpot theory.

Was it my clandestine trips to Boulder, Colorado and Thailand with John Mark Carr, alleged slayer of JonBenet, and possible illegitimate son of the actor who plays Eric's dad on "That 70's Show"?


No. Although I DO recommend seeing Thailand. It's very affordable and the temples are absolutely stunning. Plus you can buy Lotto tickets RIGHT IN THE BAR.

"Oh! I know! You married your 13-year old cousin."


Though my talent and boyish yet still rebellious good looks have often been compared with Jerry Lee Lewis, the answer is no. It's not that either. Although the Girl Scouts never come to my door anymore to sell me cookies, for some reason.

"Okay, was it you who killed JFK?"


Although I HAVE been named by Oliver Stone as a possible member of the alleged conspiracy, no. You're way off.

"Is it that you know: not only did John Wilkes Booth escape, but he was in fact, your Great-Grandfather?"


Lay off the Lincoln Logs, pal. Although the resemblance is uncanny, I do own a Ford, and have been to the theatre, there is no truth to this persistent rumor.

Well, am I a souless serial killer, slaughtering teenagers as a form of symbolic punishment for underage fornication and negligent babysitting?


Unfortunately, no. But what a tremendous service to the community I would be providing if this were the case.

Was I an accomplice to this monster's awful path of destruction? Or - even worse - a blog buddy to his pen-pal CrashTest Comic?


While CrashTestComic is a member of my blogging circle - a reality that I am both grateful for, and embarrassed about - this is not my (most) traumatic secret. At least, not the one this post is about.

"Okay! Enough already! Puerileuwaite, if we all take an oath that we couldn't possibly: think less of your character; be more disgusted by your existence, or continue to curse your name on an hourly basis - will you PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT tell us your horrible secret?!?!"

Okay, I can't go on prolonging the inevitable. Hate me if you must. Ditch me if that's what you need to do. Just go then. Don't look back. You see, my deep, dark secret is that I finally watched ALL of the "Harry Potter" movies. And, get this: I ENJOYED them. There! I said it. I feel like dirt. And yet, I don't mind, entirely. Actually I kinda like it.

So what if this means that I must now lurk in the shadows? Hiding during daylight hours. Venturing out only after midnight. Throw stones if you must. But first consider that you too have questionable tastes. You can lie to me, but you can't run from the truth. Perhaps you enjoyed the original "Star Trek" a wee bit too much. Maybe you fantasized about Frodo from "Lord of the Rings". Is it possible that you identified a tad too closely with Gollum? Quick: name 10-Star Wars characters. I bet every one of you nerdy S.O.B.'s can do it. And some of you with your O.C.D. wouldn't stop at 10. You sicken me.









So there. I feel better already. Oh, and I'm gay.

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Ecology Lesson

While walking through the woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day cupcake..."

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Puerileuwaite Keeps Quiet

By Amanda Huginkis
2 hours, 55 minutes ago

What was supposed to be a public affair has ended up being pretty hush-hush.


Puerileuwaite, who had a full schedule of appearances lined up to promote his new album, "Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks", is sidelined with a strained vocal cord and has been ordered not to sing, his publicist confirmed Monday.


His physician warned the "approximately" 26-year-old songbird not to use it or else face losing it, stating Puerileuwaite should refrain from speaking while giving his pipes time to rest. This apparently means ALL pipes, so consorting with groupies is also off-limits.


The setback forced Puerileuwaite to cancel a date with The Late Show with David Letterman and a Friday performance on the Today show is now up in the air. Instead, the "Holding My Own" singer flew to New York a day earlier than planned and met with a voice specialist.

"He's on total vocal rest, and some of his appearances have been delayed," said publicist Hugh Jazz. "He can talk, he can croak out a few sentences. He sounds a little off, but, you know, he can't sing." Questioned further as to whether this was a new condition, or in fact a problem that Puerileuwaite has always had, Mr. Jazz quickly fled the room.


The specialist described Puerileuwaite's problem as either a strained or bruised vocal cord. Experts worldwide have recommended its complete removal, along with the others, just to be on the safe side.

Puerileuwaite did manage to drop by Total Request Live Tuesday, where he hoarsely introduced music videos, and briefly flashed his ta-ta's.


A friend of the Teen Choice Award winner for Creepiest Trenchcoat Guy told Bad Touch Magazine that Puerileuwaite, who has been communicating with people via crude dolphin-like squeals and random groping, was feeling physically okay but was bummed about the bad timing.

"Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks", Puerileuwaite's first album on Stalker Records since making the switch from Coloniscope--as well as his first album post-deflowering--comes out on Tuesday. A half-hour MTV special, Puerileuwaite: A Private Man by Public Vote, airs Sept. 4. The (luckily) pretaped show promises a "very sexually intimate performance of songs from his new album" and "an exclusive inside look at Puerileuwaite's inner workings."


MTV has long been a good friend to its onetime key grip. The video for the dance-happy eponymous first single from "Limp Cactus: Nevermind the Pricks" featuring John Bobbitt, Paris Hilton, Jerry Mathers, Slim Whitman, Andy Dick and Ryan Seacrest, directed by Mark Ratner, debuted on MTV's TRL July 19.

Billboards We'd Like To See - Part III

Back by popular demand! Enjoy!

Finding the Right Employee

"Welcome aboard." Have you ever had someone inflict that greeting on you when starting a new job? It's annoying. Which is why I've used it more than once. I'm a bastard! For me it evokes contrasting images of both the Love Boat and the Poseidon.

Which is fitting when you think about it. For the first six months or so, if you're lucky, your new company IS the Love Boat. Good vibes, interesting afros, shack-up opportunities, free-flowing alcohol, and problems that are cheerfully resolved within an hour.

Eventually you pass the one-year point and soon thereafter find yourself on the Poseidon. Darkness rapidly sets in, and the swells ominously increase in frequency and amplitude. A fog-thick malaise descends and engulfs. Finally there's a splash, a crash, and a slow roll over (only this time it's not your 401K).

On the other hand, here is one that makes me want to get violent: "Where did we get you from?". Where? From ... the same place ... as ... this FIST! POW! And ... look ... from the same place ... there's ANOTHER fist! POW!

And of course there are countless other boorish introductions that are foisted upon us with painful regularity. Feel free to share your favorites!

Yesterday I had to take an online "personality assessment" as part of the interview process for a job opportunity. It was painless enough. Only 2-pages filled with check boxes to choose from. And it's not the first time I've been asked to complete one of these, so I'm relatively comfortable with them.

Now I know what some of you are thinking: "That's because it's YOU, Puerileuwaite. Hell, they oughta evaluate and monitor your thought processes EVERY day. And make sure that you're not toting any heavy dufflebags or "curtain rod boxes" into the building, for Chrissakes.". S.O.B.'s.

I won't go into detail as to the specific layout and content of the latest test. Suffice to say that I knew better than to check the "I like Calvin and Hobbes cartoons" box, since I know that is how they identify potential serial killers.

The purpose of these pre-screening devices for job applicants should be obvious. While companies remain ambivalent about the mental well-being of their employees, they have been reminded countless times over the years that problem employees can adversely affect the bottom line. So why not try to weed them out (except for Salespeople, where pathological social behavior and mild mental illness are precursors for greatness) before they get their crazy asses in the door?

In a future post, I hope to address the topic of personality assessment tests in greater detail. Even better, perhaps one of you want to rise to the challenge and take this task on. That WOULD show initiative. Something I am not sure you are capable of. Otherwise why would you be here instead of searching for a blog that has SOME socially redeeming qualities? But for now, allow me to briefly review some of the more common animals from the corporate zoo.



The Worker Bee. Comes with an eager, "can do" attitude. A drone who is so focused on his/her job and intense loyalty to the company, that sense of fashion and meaningful social interaction suffers for it. He/she is often disparaged with unflattering nicknames such as: "Suck Up", "Corporate Weasel", "Goodie Two Shoes", "Wayland Smithers" and "Ass Kisser". But his/her critics are just jealous that their lives are scattered across business and personal boundaries, while his/hers is compactly concentrated in one place. The workplace.




The Evangelist. This parasite attempts to recruit for their preferred religious affiliation whenever the opportunity presents itself; which is anytime an unsuspecting coworker wanders within 25-feet of their workspace. Insanity is the ultimate Dilithium Crystal* (* Attention nerds! Star Trek reference!), as it provides an endless supply of manic energy. If only the Evangelist expended even 10% of that energy on their actual job! He/she could carry the company on his/her back!




The Chatty Cathy. Don't be one. Avoid locations where they are known to dwell, such as lunchrooms, rest rooms, lobbies, hallways, parking lots, building entrances, rear exits, and of course the water cooler. In fact, the only safe haven from these types is your cubicle (Until they come to pay you a visit; so work on an escape plan ASAP. Every cube should have both a "fire" escape route and a "Chatty Cathy" escape route. Contact your local OSHA chapter for guidelines.). And just like the doll, the urge to throw the human version "under the bus" is frequently overwhelming.




The Top Dogs. These are the Chairmen, CEOs, CFOs, and occasionally Directors as well. Only the top dogs can be assholes. So if you're not one of the aforementioned "beautiful people", try not to be such a prick to your coworkers.




The Unstable Coworker. Rarely seen but known to exist. Who am I kidding? These time bombs are everywhere! And you never know what will set them off. Did you borrow a pencil and not return it? Did you inadvertently ask them to briefly perform some aspect of their job on your behalf? Are you one of them?




The Office Siren. There's always one, at least. But it's never a good idea to seek romance in the workplace. Or in the Ladies' Locker Room for that matter. Not so much for the threat of sexual harassment lawsuits. But rather because a failed office romance can render one inert, due to the resultant bickering and increased inertia. "Glen, I know that is was YOU who took the last donut, when you knew that I wanted it! You are such a cruel bastard! I should've never given you my cookies." "Doreen, this isn't about the donut at all, is it?"




The Sharks. Salespeople are expected to be obnoxious. They are also expected to make their quotas. At their best, they are superficial manipulators; at their worst they are the ultimate jerks. The good news is that they seldom last more than 6-months. The bad news is there's an endless supply of replacements.



Who did I miss? Quite a few, I'm sure. But that way you can all participate by adding your favorites!

Still Big In Asia

Mazel tov comrades,

It had been a while since I heard from them, so I started to become convinced that the Russians had lost the desire to intermingle my DNA with their own. I even started to worry that they no longer wanted to sap me of my precious bodily fluids (Raise your hand if you noticed the "Dr. Strangelove" reference. Now put your hands down, you silly bastards.).


But then the girls started a callin'. Today I received an email that says I have 5-unread messages from Russian women. So eat me, David Hasselhoff. The Germans may adore you, but I'm the "Czar of Love".


Oh, so it is proof that you want. Fine. So be it. Let's read some letters, shall we?


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #1 (Veronika):


I am Veronika.
Hi Veronika. I am Peurileuwaite. My name means "Czar of Love". I want to be your Archie, not your enemy.

I’m a happy and communicable girl.
Sounds wonderful. How communicable?

I have many friends. And I like to make new ones too.
I have no friends. Only commenters who pretend to be my friends, because that is how they get their perverse jollies. Are your friends perverse too? Likewise, I also, how you say, like to put the make on my friends. I try to convince them that we should make babies to help with workload. I am always losing friends but looking to make new ones.

I like serious people with a good sense of humor. I believe strongly in family and the security of a relationship with one man. Mutual respect and love for one another are most important.
If it is serious that you want, then I am happy to report that you have come to the right person. I am as serious as a heart attack from shoveling the snow of a Siberian winter. I too strongly believe in family. For a few years I belonged to a wonderful family. Charlie Manson was our glorious leader. He was much like your Josef Stalin. But the government needed him more, so we haven't seen him for a while. This made us sad. Some of us became angry that the government took our papa away.

I’m looking for a dynamic man. A man who is able to seek advantage from any situation. He is strong because of his love for family and husband. A man that wants to express himself to the world. I want him to be mature, reliable, caring and smart.
You are in luck, Veronika. I am very dynamic. I generate my own power with lower emissions (especially nocturnal ones) than previous models. And I am constantly looking to take advantage. I am strong because I work out and reprocess my own urine. I am fine with love for family (I still keep in touch with Squeaky and Charlie), but I'm not into men. Eurasians are as close to homosexuality as I care to venture, sorry. I do enjoy expressing myself to the world, however. Why just this morning I was warmly gesturing to fellow motorists on the way to work. I can be very caring as well.

I have some questions for you if you want to get to know me closer:

1) Are you interested in serious relations with Russian woman?
I can only manage semi-serious, as I am out of Viagra. But I do have Roman hands and Russian fingers to make up for any shortcomings.

2) Are you planning to visit Russia?
Sure. Can I become a citizen, denounce the U.S., and then visit Cuba too?

3) Would you like to correspond or to talk by phone?
I prefer to talk by phone. Corresponding by phone seems awkward.

4) Why are you interested in Russian lady?
Because the bar is low. They are used to Russian men. So I could be the Brad Pitt of Russia.

5) Have you ever been to Russia?
No. Is it warm? I like the tropics.

6) What is important for you in relations and am I right for you?
As an American, I need to always have my way. To answer your second question, I don't know you at all, and therefore cannot determine if you are wrong for me. Plus I've been drunk for the past half-hour and am listening to Michael Bolton ballads. So therefore, by my logic, if loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Bye for now, Veronika


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #2 (Irina):


I am Irina. I am open, caring, honest, romantic, smart, sociable. I love kids. I am charming, very cheerful person and like to communicate with my friends. I am very decent person and do not have bad habits.
Well then, Irina, I'm just what the docter ordered. My love is like bad medicine.

I am very tactful, steady, and good natured person. My friends say that I am very sympathetic, sensitive, caring and communicative.
Wow. My friends say the same things about me. Here, let me go find them ....... well, this is awkward. They seem to be out doing things right now. I'll have them get in touch.

Also I like home coziness and communication with nature.
Me too. How do you communicate with nature? I do it by walking through the woods at midnight talking to owls. Plus I telepathically bond with frogs by licking them. Do you have frogs in Russia? How do they taste?

I like to smile and to see the smile in the faces of other people.
So do I. Nothing makes me happier than to see people who are even happier than I am. Are people happy in Russia?

I like cooking, music, sports, painting, books, travelling, dancing, movies, art, flowers, boating, outdoors, seaside, romantic evenings.
Well, good. You'll have lots to do while I watch television. Do they have television in Russia? Do they have "Friends"? I hate "Friends".

As I love nature, I like to walk along the beach, watch the sunset or moon path. Being an active person, I go in for sport, in fitness if to be concrete, because as any woman I would like to be in a good shape.
Here in America we watch the moon itself. We all have very short attention spans, so we are unfamiliar with the "path" concept. If you're that easily fascinated, then I should be as captivating as an eclipse. If you're as firm as concrete, I can't wait to meet you. On the other hand, if you're as heavy as concrete, stay on the ship. I'm sure they can use you as ballast.

I would like to meet a smart, serious, sincere man who is able to make a woman happy.
Irina, it is your lucky day. I can make a woman happy in no less that 500 different ways. I even have a special bed (see my "Bed for Sale" post) with instructions. And I have a guarantee: if you are not happy after 30-days, I will return you for full credit. Such a deal!

Best regards, Irina


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #3 (Lelya):


I am Lelya. I am a very beautiful and sexy lady. I am a cheerful,
kind-hearted and optimistic girl. I am faithful, loyal, communicative,
sincere and open person, try to be always cheerful in spite of
anything, optimistic, I am serious and reliable, and in love I am
very, very romantic and gentle.
Good. I need you to be gentle, Lelya. Don't make me yell-ya. The herpes sores are very painful.

Let me think I have so many activities every day that it is quite difficult to write the favorite one.
Lelya, this is not summer camp. Life with me is more like one of your concentration camps. Consider yourself lucky if we manage to do one activity the entire time you're here.


I believe that my soul mate is somewhere out there for the world is so big and diversified! I would like to communicate with you and waiting for your reply!
Well, I'm transmitting on the soul station right now. Are you receiving? Come in Lelya.

Lelya


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #4 (Ekaterina):


How are you?
I am fine.

I hope fine. My name is Ekaterina. I live in Belarus. I am a charming, young, tender and passionate lady. I am a very beautiful girl. I am easy-going and open-minded, confident and interesting young lady.
How tender? Are you "split with a fork" tender?

I develop myself constantly and I have a many passions. I can pay attention to people. I am very feminine and tender. I like my life and I try to make it more happier not only for myself but also for people who surround me. I am not obstinate and I try to make a compromise. I lead active and health life style.
Develop yourself constantly? What are you, a roll of film? A spy perhaps? Out to steal the secret plans for my pirate cable box? I can pay attention to people too. I simply choose not to. How tender? Legal tender? Tender enough to mention it twice? Why do people surround you? Do you usually attract angry mobs? Do I always ask questions?

I am tactful and I have my own taste. I have a reach imagination.
Amazing. We could be twins! I too am tactful, and am praised frequently for my excellent taste. But to say that I have imagination would be a bit of a "reach".

I hope to find my special man, may be that man is you?
Are you kidding? I was so special that I had my own bus to ride to school in. That man is me (That Girl is Marlo Thomas).

Waiting for the letters


***


Letter from Hot Chicksky #5 (Lilia):


Look at me! I am Lilia. I've always considered myself a kind and easy-going person, full of love and adoration for my mate. But my friends say that sometimes I can be very obstinate. Beauty is not the only advantage of mine. My leadership skills are very strong too.
Great. I need a strong woman to lead me. Into temptation, hopefully.

I consider a happy family to be the most important thing in my life. Being young, I adore learning new and interesting things. When I have some free time, I like to have a rest in nature with my friends.
I like to take naked naps in poison ivy with my friends. So far we appear to have much in common.

I like to be photographed. I love traveling very much and in future I dream to travel with my soul mate, because I think it is so romantic. I am looking for a man of my dreams and I would like him to be kind, tender, loving and understanding..
I don't know if this is relevant, but I happen to be a travel photographer.

Bye!


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