Friday, April 20, 2007

Eulogy


Friends,

I want to thank you for being here today, and express my sincere gratitude to those who have shared their sympathies and concern over the past few weeks. Finally I would like to thank His Holy Emminence The Bishop for presiding over the lovely service.

The loss of my good friend The Pug was heart-wrenching, and he may be gone, but he ain't forgotten. During his brief life, we had joy, fun, and - yes, damn it - seasons in the sun. All in spite of our lifelong shame of being the black sheep of the family (The sad truth that women are NEVER attracted to black sheep was an obstacle that The Pug - to his credit - brazenly refused to acknowledge).

Whew! Just where do I start? How can I compress volumes upon volumes of amazing journeys and lessons learned the hard way into just a few acedotes, so we can clear the room before they start setting up for the next event* (* testing for asbestos and Legionnaire's Disease, so I've been told)?


I suppose I could mention the time that a young Pug and I went on a day hike along the railroad tracks and discovered that dead body (which he peed on, to provide a brief comedic counterpoint and also a momentary respite from our pre-teen angst). Or the impromptu raft trip we took later on that summer, which resulted in the unfortunate lynching of the town's daycare provider.



And how could I omit the paradigm-shifting moment when I realized The Pug might be other-worldly, freeing a pregnant Amish girl from under an overturned carriage by jacking it up with his tail? Or the way he doused the encroaching flames with a forceful and precise blast of foam? (All present were certainly grateful that - despite the petition that had been circulating - he hadn't yet been fixed. Not only for the coconut-sized-testicle-fueled virility that the rescue required, but also because the unborn fetus was his, and not that sleazy lawyer Sonofabitch's.)



Surely his tendency to stop at (and urinate upon) every phone booth on our nightly sojourns should have served as an indication that he wasn't just your typical "mild-mannered" Pug who was fond of newspaper.

I would be equally remiss if I failed to speak of our early adulthood, and how we sowed our "wild oats" abroad. I reactively grin when recalling the annual "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona, where The Pug would purposely trip the other participants, rendering them into bovine speedbumps, and facilitating our escape.



Or of his subsequent Absinthe binges and descents into depravity with the local senoritas (at least, I THINK they were senoritas ... since everyone had a mustache, one could only rely upon cunning instincts, marginal sobriety and the "braille method"). In the end, our entire time in Spain can be recounted as a game of avoiding horns of one type or another, and of being men among men.



Later on, we would forgo the comforting peaks and fragrant valleys of Spain for the lure of the sea. It was time to leave the country where everyone knew him as "Papa" (especially the children ... and for good reason). The Pug was an avid deap-sea fisherpug and flogger of dolphin. After being yanked overboard one time too many by rambunctious marlin, he learned the straps were there for a reason other than "date restraint". Better to live another day to chase the elusive tuna and the crabs that always seemed to linger in the withering shadows of the wavering palm.

Due to our "Death Pact", only now can I admit that it was The Pug who pulled me out of that Tijuana brothel one debauched July evening, only to return the favor the following night. And I regret it was once too often that we found ourselves fierce rivals for the affections of the same woman.



I could go on for days. So many stories, so little time, I'm afraid. But I'm well aware that we are all due at Denny's for a lavish "special" buffet in Pug's honor, where we will all be expected to absorb Pug's sins along with the calories and carbs (I learned of this ritual from an old "Night Gallery" episode!), so that he may join W.C. Fields in Heaven fully vindicated, without need for audit or oversight.

Go now, my children. May The Pug be with you. Follow his lead, and do life "doggie style".



.

81 comments:

CruiserMel said...

Glad you're back. And that you still have style and wit.

I know it's so very hard when we lose our little "babies". I was so sorry to hear.

Once again, glad to see you are back.

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks! I'm glad to be back.

puerileuwaite said...

(p.s. - It's good to see you, Cruisermel!)

CruiserMel said...

Oh geez, you can see me? Gimme a second while I fix my hair.

puerileuwaite said...

You're wicked. I like that in my Mels. And you're very cute, messy hair or not (I just spent part of the afternoon reading through your blog). I remember the first time you commented on my humble blog, when I confused you with another lady by name of Mel. I think it drove you away. I won't let THAT happen again!

cathy said...

Welcome back.
and
peeep oOO!

leelee said...

What a lovely and fitting tribute to your pal...The Pug...I see that the memories will comfort you for years to come..

Welcome back...I've missed you..

BIGGGGGGGGGGGG PUG HUGSSSSSSSSSS

/t. said...

THE PUG IS DEAD

LONG LIVE THE PUG!


good to have you back even though i can't see you

/t.

Little Lamb said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. it's really really hard to loose a pet.

Serena Joy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Pug, but I'm glad you're back. I missed you. That's a terrific eulogy for Little Pug. Sounds like he had a good life. I know you miss him. A loss like that is SO hard.

Scary Monster said...

It be good to come here and see that you is once again taken to gracing us again with your wit and wisdom.

As long as the avatar don't change the pug still be puggun.

STOMP.

puerileuwaite said...

Everyone - I am happy to be back, and am grateful for your support and friendship. The Pug lives on (in spirit), and so must the blog that he inspired. I feel re-energized, and look forward to sharing new post ideas that emerged (like weeds) during my hiatus.

***

Cathy - Wow. I love your new avatar! Is it seeing anybody? (What's a peeep oOO?)

***

Leelee - He deserved no less. My only regret is having to post that personal ad in the paper to legally inform people that I am not responsible for his debts.

***

/t. - Thank you, my friend from the frozen north. But not to worry. We can communicate through Whoopie Goldberg as necessary.

***

Little Lamb - Thank you, Lamby. He was a one-of-a-kind personality. But I can take solace in knowing that he will continue to guide my blogging from above, and that the occasional rain shower will indicate any disapproval of my efforts.

***

Serena - I knew it was time. The spark that was missing has finally returned (Unfortunately I was gassing up my car at that moment. It was WAY too Stephen King for me ...) Thank you for the kind words. All I can do is "keep on keeping on" in his memory.

***

Scary - Thank you, my green friend. But I'm afraid they may force you to turn in your Monster Card if you continue to show your humanity. So you may need to STOMP another village (Hillary told me that it would take a village) to compensate.

:-)

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

YAY. I'm glad to see you back. Would be gladder to see you in London in a g-string but that's another story.

Pug had a good life though his story sounds a wee bit familiar -- I think he was infamous in his day.

Losing a best friend or loved one is never easy no matter who it is. Be gentle with yourself. (Use some lube)

Happy happy to see my blog buddy back at it.
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - Now that's a good idea. With my G-String and instrument, we could have our own rooftop concert (just like The Beatles ... in fact, I have a certain tune from Abbey Road in mind for us).

The Pug inspired quite a few famous writers with his kooky antics. So these were just the "tip of the iceberg". I miss him constantly. I can't walk by a puddle without seeing the reflection of his lifted leg in it.

Likewise, I am glad to have you back from those Tarzan people.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Doggie style, yessirie!. Glad to see you back--you've been in my thoughts. And I sympathize with your loss. I still have Muffin who will be running for President in 2008. Pets should run the world.

Malnurtured Snay said...

I had many a beer dedicated to memorial thought of Thy Pug. As I uncapped each one, I held it aloft and said "Pug hath no greater love..."

she said...

what a great dog. a blast of foam? i am sick with envy. i see ive been expunged from the white sheep list. your ideas emerge from "weed"? so do mine! howwwwwl. glad you kept the avatar.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - I would vote for Muffin, unless he/she is a Republican. And I like your "pets running the world" concept. Since they are usually spayed and neutered, this would tend to reduce scandal. Plus, wouldn't it be better for all of us if George H.W. had been neutered at an early age?

***

MalSnay - Thank you. I know he would be honored. And let us not forget: evacuating those beers while lifting one leg can also serve as tribute. Somewhere above, The Pug is smiling as he reads this while he licks himself.

***

She - Thanks. Good to see you again. In a different form, no less! I thought you gave up blogging, which is why I removed you during my last template clean up. Are you active again? I'd be happy to link you, since you ALWAYS have a home here. Unfortunately, weed hasn't played a role in my creative (or lack thereof) process for some time now (Alcohol is a different story ... my wackier stuff practically writes itself after I've tipped back a few). But I fondly remember when it did.

karla said...

That pug sounds like a real party animal. I wish I had gotten a chance to hit up a few frat parties with him before he went.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Muffin is neither Republican nor Democrat. We haven't figured out his party affiliation. Maybe it should be The Animal Kingdom party.
But then Bush will want to join.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

:-o

I thought YOU were going to be my tarzan, me jane ;)

No my invitations may come under the influence of malarone but they are lucid nonetheless
xx
pinks

she said...

no just gave up blogging as K9 since i was busted for playing dress up. grrherha. time to be real and reveal my outer bronze.

hi enemy.

/t. said...

LOL
to enemy

/t.

GirlGoyle said...

Heeeeeeeeeeeeey!! You are back!! Well I knew you couldn't stay away from us too long. Good to have you back and witty as usual.

kate said...

heheheh doggie style...

Glad you are writing again... I missed your posts. Oh now dont go and get all big headed on us now that you know we all missed you! ok??!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Karla - If only I had flea-collar money for each time I've heard that sentiment (I certainly wouldn't have as many fleas, to cite just one benefit). Thank you. The Pug was a big fan of yours (well ... how do I put this delicately ... EXCEPT for the Gingerbread House project, which absolutely disgusted him for some reason).

***

Enemy - Well in THAT case, let's borrow from "The Simpsons", and create the "No Bushes" party for Muffin. Sure, I realize that this may tend to alienate some of our Lesbian friends, but it's a risk that we should willing to take for the common good.

***

Reverend - Enough. You had me at "lucid"! Forgive the self-doubt. It's those damned mental health tests for women that have scarred my psyche. Apparently, if a woman NOT under the influence of a heavy narcotic expresses tepid interest in me, it constitutes grounds for immediate, involuntary admission. Fortunately these state-side rules cannot reach their biased tentacles across the "pond" to Britain.

(p.s. - I thought "malarone" was an Italian curse word. Which is why I always tend to order "Calzone". I learn SO much from you, my little "Encyclopedia Brittanica Romantica".)

***

She - You gave me THE thrill/shock of the day when I read this. I pictured you as this rugged, unshaven hell-raisin' badass DUDE. In fact, I was all set to grab my banjo and go logging with you through the backwoods, in search of found objects.

Now I come to find that you're a WOMAN? Holy Yentl, Batman!

That is so cool. And refreshing. You see, I'm used to being "duped" from the other direction. Meeting a "woman" in a bar, spending the entire evening locking in each other's arms while dancing the Lambada. Wondering why she was carrying that roll of quarters. And then finishing second once again in the home version of "The Crying Game". Finally, having to gracefully exit from the entanglement over the next few months, so as not to "arouse" suspicion.

You STILL rock. Does this mean that you're back? I sure hope so, my friend.

***

Girlgoyle - Thanks! Like they say in prison: "I was a little nervous at first, but it does feel good". BTW, didn't you get my questions? I mailed them the very next day, as promised. Should I resend?

***

Kate - Hey, then it worked! I'd been told (repeatedly) that it's hard to miss me unless I leave. Turns out to be some of the best advice I've ever received.

And not to worry. Since "pride goeth before the fall", I still have an entire summer before I start referring to you all as "my peeps", and respond only in the third person.

gautami tripathy said...

Glad to see you back.You were missed.

And pug is happy wherever he is. Don't worry about him.

RevRee said...

Welcome back babe

puerileuwaite said...

Gautami - This may sound cliche, but he is still and always with me. Thank you.

***

Rev - Thanks, my sweet. I feel good* (* don't worry, it'll pass, and I'll soon be back to my evil ways).

tfg said...

Glad you're back. Are you going to get another dog?

puerileuwaite said...

TFG - Thanks. Actually, I did. I'll include the details in a future post.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Welcome home Pug-
This was a beautiful tribute to your dog. I saw a cute little Pug card the other day at the drug store and thought of you~ made me miss the little pooch- and I never met him:)

Sorry about the new "clothes-on" policy at my place ;) Shall I send you an email before I post another video- just to be safe?
:)

she said...

you were right. i AM ruggedly unshaven..on my legs. yes i am back and about *let's see* about a roll of quarters short? grrherhaha thanks for the warm welcome back.

did you save pug's christmas album for your scrapbook?

Party Girl said...

Nice to read you, again.

It's hard losing a friend, a family member.

I never knew how hard until we lost our little pug a year ago.

Heartbreaking.

cathy said...

My avatar is old enough to be your mother.peep ooo = boo

puerileuwaite said...

FM - What a coincidence. I was at the drug store the other day, and immediately thought of my readers. The clothes policy was just for me (and actually, it's more of a "recommendation"). You can still be naked.

***

She - That's alright. With my roll of dimes, we can still play the slots. And yes, I still have the pix.

***

Party Girl - Thank you. I just knew we had sex, Pugs, and Rock 'n' Roll in common.

***

Cathy - There's no stopping me. Much older women are HOT. Even though your avatar may indeed be twice my age, I am up for the challenge. If I can win you over in time to take you to my Prom, I want you to take me on a cruise. Deal?

Enemy of the Republic said...

Muffin is pro-gay rights; he wants to both defeat this stupid gay marriage amendment as he thinks it interferes with our founding fathers seperation of church and state. He also believes that it is a smokescreen for the current administration to avoid using the litter box as they shit on the world with this damn war. Muffin wants to leave Iraq and he does not support any more wars in the middle east. Muffin is a heterosexual cat who like Bill Clinton, liked the lady kitties, but stayed away from interns.

Lesbians have nothing to fear from Muffin. He thinks sexual orientation begins at birth. He had known a few animals who do find the same sex attractive. He also believes the bedroom is a private place, one for sleeping mainly next to my ear.

Muffin is wise and good; he has not served in the military, but neither have our recent presidents, unless you want to chalk up Bush's minor stint.

Position papers are coming. So are the bumper stickers. Vote Muffin in 2008.

Love you, my Pug.

Serena Joy said...

Shoot, I'm probably old enough to be your mother, too. BUT -- I got spam yesterday offering me cut-rate prices on prom dresses. So, you wanna take Cathy to your prom and then take me in my price-cutter gown to mine? LOL.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Well at least I already have the campaign song picked out:

from Walk This Way by Aerosmith

backstroke lover always hidin' 'neath the covers
till I talked to your daddy, he say
he said "you ain't seen nothin' till you're down on a MUFFIN
then you're sure to be a-changin' your ways"

We can bastardize the title by changing it to "Vote This Way".

(p.s. - since there's no sax in the tune, I recommend that Muffin learn the guitar, so that we can wow the MTV crowd a la Clinton)

- Pug "James Carville Jr." Puerileuwaite
Political Consultant Pro Bono* (* not boner)

***

Serena - Gee whiz, is EVERY ONE of my readers older than me? It sure seems that way. If dad will let me use the Grand Marquis that evening (he says I can ... if my grades are good, and I have my license by then), I would definitely like to take you. To the prom. I heard the theme this year will be, "I Want To Know What Love Is (I Want You To Show Me)", which for some reason I am really excited about.

Serena Joy said...

Well, I don't know how old you are, Puggy. If you're over 100, chances are you're older. LOL.

So, yeah, I'm excited about the prom theme, too. Get those grades up so you can get the car keys, because I want to know the answer to that question sometime this century. I'm still trying to decide which cost-cutter dress I want. What color is your tux? Just so you know, I'm not going with you if it's like powder blue.:)

leelee said...

Oh its so wonderful to read your comments sections Pugsly...I've missed EVERYONE it seems

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Age is meaningless. Some objects acquire a greater mystique over the years. The California Redwoods and the U.S.S. Constitution are but two examples among many.

And no; I'd NEVER inflict a crappy "Powder Blue" tux on you. How gauche! Mine is "Pink Champagne", which - I've been told - is more "color wheel" friendly.

***

Leelee - I missed it too. It's like ants at a picnic, only way more enjoyable.

It's Me... Maven said...

Fantastic! He's back in action... for me to poop on! :)

Doggy style all the way:)

Hey, thought I'd share this with you!

puerileuwaite said...

Thank you Maven. How did you know that I'm a fan of Triumph? Good stuff.

Serena Joy said...

LOL. Pink Champagne works for me. What kind of corsage are you getting me?

limpy99 said...

Glad your back. As someone who has buried three dogs, (once in the neighbors yard but I swear that was an accident), I know how much that sucks. My sympathy.

It's Me... Maven said...

A woman just knows these things, Mr. Pug...

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - The very best one that I can dig up. Oops. I meant, the very best one that I can buy.

***

Limpy - Thanks for the welcome back, and for the condolences. When I don't care that much for the person, er, pet, is when I venture across my property line for some midnight trenching.

***

Maven - It's like you can read my thoughts. That's it. The tinfoil hat is going back on.

Corn Dog said...

I'm so sorry. I am wandering over a bit late and I didn't know your little dear died. You wrote a wonderful tribute to the pug. I always loved your avatar. I'm glad you have a new soul who has taken up residence with you. Hugs and pats to the new kid.

puerileuwaite said...

Corn Dog - Welcome! Thanks for the comment. The Pug would have loved you, as he did most food items. The New Kid (I like that sobriquet, BTW) is a chip off the old block. He's quite the terror, and has quite a few of the same features and mannerisms as The Pug.

Serena Joy said...

Anything will do, as long as it's not chiggers or poison ivy.

Hey, that's great that you've got a new baby. Ain't nothin' sweeter than a warm puppy.:)

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Whew. I see you left me a Poison Oak loophole. For it is my hope that our date to the Prom will only serve as a beginning, and that our relationship will be strong and lost-lasting. Not unlike the mighty oak.

puerileuwaite said...

Oops. pardon the Fruedian Slip. I meant "LONG-lasting".

Serena Joy said...

I meant "LONG-lasting".

Well, I should hope so, Dr. Freud. I have my dress, and I paid a whole $20 for it, too. What are you planning to spike the punch with?

puerileuwaite said...

This may surprise you. I don't plan on spiking the punch at all. Intoxicants shouldn't be necessary until later on in the relationship.

Serena Joy said...

Ahhh, I see. You're planning to get me high on the flowers, aren't you? I'll have to check the corsage for hallucinogens.

puerileuwaite said...

I am so disappointed. Why don't I just stay home that evening? I'll lament what might have been as I listen to Elvis' "Suspicious Minds".

Serena Joy said...

Ahh, mea culpa. The flowers are perfect. Rev up your motorcycle and come get me. I'll be dressed to kill and singing Elvis tunes.

puerileuwaite said...

Alrighty then. I've taken the liberty of listing pre-approved and forbidden Elvis tunes for you to sing.

Approved:

Teddy Bear
Stuck On You
Love Me Tender
Too Much
Love Me
Don't Be Cruel
I Want You, I Need You, I Love You
I Beg of You
Wear My Ring Around Your Neck
One Night
I Need Your Love Tonight (very appropriate)
A Big Hunk O' Love
It's Now Or Never (see comment 2-songs up))
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Surrender (see comment 4-songs up)
Can't Help Falling In Love (though I'll try real hard)
Good Luck Charm
Bossa Nova Baby
Devil In Disguise (if devil = puts out)
The Wonder of You

Forbidden:

Suspicious Minds
Heartbreak Hotel (the hotel sounds okay, though)
Little Sister
Hound Dog
All Shook Up
In the Ghetto
Jailhouse Rock (you ARE at least 18, right? right?!)
Don't
I Got Stung
A Fool Such As I
I Feel So Bad
His Latest Flame
She's Not You
Return To Sender
Devil In Disguise (if devil = high maintenance)
Crying In The Chapel (whoa! slow down!)
Don't Cry Daddy (a crying dad? sounds gay)
Burning Love (it should be an STD free night)

***

Alternate Selections by Elvis Costello

Approved:

Pump It Up

Forbidden:

Accidents Will Happen

Serena Joy said...

Aw, come on, Pug, let a girl have some fun -- I do the forbidden ones so much better. I have no problem dropping them all in favor of Elvis Costello, though.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I like the song! We'll get the college and the baby boomer vote. Go Aerosmith. And Muffin is drug free too, like them--he knows about living in the streets like Steven Tyler did for a while. I wonder if they would do a promotional gig.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Forbidden fruit. Alternative rock. Both a rebel. and a gal after my own heart.

***

Enemy - I'm just a punk on the street. And from what I hear, if we hold the promo gig at a strip club, it'll better our chances.

Serena Joy said...

So, like, do I get to wear your class ring and letter jacket now? I may start singing Ronnettes tunes. I hope you were a Boy Scout because you need to be prepared.:)

Little Lamb said...

Still no new post. That's ok. I have trouble myself in knowing what to write. I don't want to pressure you or anything.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Class ring and jacket? Gee, that depends how "well" Prom night goes. And I agree. Dating should be no different, say, than striving to become a Master Chef. Preparation is key, and it's important to not overly tenderize.

***

Lamby - One thing I decided upon my return, is that I would only post when I could. And I can see my schedule is getting crazy again. So thanks for being patient.

Little Lamb said...

Ok, since you're back, post when you can. Sometimes life gets hectic.

It's Me... Maven said...

Tin foil hat? That wasn't where I was getting my telepathic thoughts from... how about a tin foil codpiece?

Serena Joy said...

I dated a Master Chef once. He knew some wicked moves with Ginsu knives. He also helped me figure out that the right tenderizer just melts my heart.

puerileuwaite said...

Little Lamb - It sometimes makes me wish I could quit life for awhile. But cryogenics scares me.

***

Maven - Sure! As long as I can spray it with Pam (or have Pam spray it herself) first.

***

Serena - I thought it was his erotic radish carvings that steamed your veggies.

Little Lamb said...

puggy, maybe it's time for a vacation.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Vacation? Did I hear Vacation?

London awaits.
:)

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - A vacation? What's that? i vaguely remember the term ...

***

Reverend - I would love it. But if London called me, I just know it would attempt to reverse the charges.

GirlGoyle said...

I did get your questions. They are great but are requiring deep thought and time to respond thoroughly. I have neither lately so I'm going to piece it together slowly. You'll get your answers eventually. :) Patience m'dear!

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Silly Puppy.

Its so easy to call America from London. Just 5p a minute. What fool would reverse the charges on you, my cute little pug?
xx
pinks

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Virgin flies every day.

But then...you're hardly a virgin are you? ;)

Little Lamb said...

vacation - try it sometime, it's a lot of fun!

Steve G said...

A funny tribute. I enjoyed the pee out of it.

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle - Like the immortal Richard Marx sang, "I'll be right here waiting for you".

(Well, not LITERALLY waiting, but you get the idea.)

***

Reverend - What kind of fool? Well, Lady Diana for one. And fool that I was, I yelled at her for it. Lord, it was ugly. She screamed that she was running off to Paris with a Muslim, just to spite me and my passion for saving on international long distance. Then she slammed the phone down (and my heart along with it). The rest, as they say, is a tragic footnote to history. Screw Paris, indeed. No longer am I a virgin to heartbreak. And seeing one of Branson's planes just brings it all streaking back. Maybe I've said too much. Maybe not enough.

***

Lamby - Good idea. I think I'll go to Paris!

***

Steve - Welcome! Well then, that means "urine" as the newest member of The Pug's extended family. Thanks for your comment.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Paris?

You can't vacation in Paris. They don't like your kind there. Its all poodles and caviar.

Diana was a fool indeed dear pugsy.

xx
pinks

PS did you like my photo in the park? I was giving you a big big smile.

Enemy of the Republic said...

New post, baby!

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Plus I enjoy bathing and NOT surrendering.

And yes, the photo was nice. It made me want to venture back into the park, something I've refused to do since Diana Ross' "Macarthur Park" came out.

***

Enemy - Thy will be done.