Friday, February 17, 2012

Puglypaloosa News

Nigerian underwear bomber gets life sentence

DETROIT -- Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who tried to blow up a Detroit-bound international flight with an underwear bomb on Christmas Day 2009 on behalf of al-Qaida, was sentenced to life in prison without parole Thursday.

Photo of either Abdulmutallab or one of the Jackson 5

Abdulmutallab, 25, the son of a wealthy Nigerian banker, pleaded guilty in October and admitted he was on a suicide mission for al-Qaida when he tried to detonate explosive chemicals hidden in his underwear minutes before the plane landed at Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Fortunately there was no one in Detroit at the time, as they were all attending job fairs in other cities.

In order to illustrate the magnitude of the threat, Puglypaloosa spokespug Black Bart stated that - as part of the Puglypaloosa 4th of July fireworks extravaganza - he plans to demonstrate the destructive force of explosives similar to those Abdulmutallab carried, by placing some in a random diaper provided to visitors as one of many amenities available in Puglypaloosa public restroom facilities.

The government said Abdulmutallab first performed a ritual in the airplane lavatory — brushing his teeth, perfuming himself, then briefly making out with Britney Spears in a stewardess outfit — and returned to his seat.

The device didn't work as planned, but still produced flame, smoke and panic in the cabin. His groin was badly burned, similar in fashion to an infamous coffee spill / flirting rebuff incident suffered by a heavily-intoxicated Puglypaloosa patron during a return flight to Boston in 2011.

On a related topic, self-appointed "defendant-advocate" Black Bart so far has allegedly failed to return unused bail money wired to his bank account from Abdulmutallab's Nigerian relatives.

Reports from the prison where Abdulmutallab is being held, confirm that fellow inmates have so far been reluctant to approach the underwear bomber and introduce themselves to him in their traditional, amorous fashion.

- Scoop Puerileuwaite, Puglypaloosa Press / Neuters News Agency