Thursday, January 22, 2009

Special Announcement!

Hi everybody,

Wow! I forgot how easy it is to create a NEW post! You simply TYPE as you transcribe at least ONE of the voices in your head! It's THAT easy!

Okay. I've calmed down a bit. I thought I'd interrupt my "regular" schedule of "Resolutions for Others" to make a SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

I'm all riled up again! Sorry! Please forgive me, assuming you can search somewhere in those cold black hearts of yours to locate that gesture! Sorry again! That was totally uncalled for in the majority of cases!

Okay. Without further ado, I would like to announce ...


That's right! My VERY OWN festival!

Let's take some of the inevitable questions in advance:

"Will human sacrifice be involved? Because I have a list handy." - GirlGoyle a.k.a. Ed

"Won't this just be a cheesy recreation of 'Lambypaloosa'? Been there, done that. No pullin' the wool over these eyes a second time. BTW, I need my skirt back." - Jin

"Can I go topless in the crowd? Otherwise I may have other obligations." - Serena

"I see you have finally sold out. I KNEW this would happen with liberals now in charge." - Sparring K9

"The current Canadian-to-U.S. dollar exchange rate is 1.2578 : 1. If you're going to do this please hurry so I can attend." - /t.

"This may just be the ticket to me visiting your stupid blog again. Will it be good for once? Will there be booze? Please answer the 2nd question first." - Party Girl

"Not if there's nudity." - Pud

"Will it be tasteful and embrace everyone in the spirit of friendship and tolerance? Also, will there be a Nachos Tent?" - Dianne

"Is there any possibility that it will consist of huge crowds with people packed like sardines; sandals and mopeds serving as the only sources of transportation? Plus will it smell of squid? I like to feel at home. Plus, any chance of fisticuffs? It's been a while ..." - NYD

"Your festival sucks. I will NOT be attending. Oh wait. This is supposed to be a question. Unlike some of the other dumbasses, I shall comply. Okay here goes: will anyone at the festival NOT be gay?" - Mighty Dyckerson

"As I write this, I am unsure of what /t.'s question will be. But I am certain it will have me LOL at /t." - Enemy

"ANYTHING to escape this LIVING ABSOLUTE HELLHOLE of a small town I am trapped in. Even it's your LIVING ABSOLUTE HELLHOLE of a festival. As long as it's not taking place here in the same LIVING ABSOLUTE HELLHOLE of a small town I am trapped in. It IS, isn't it? I KNEW it. F*ck." - Sassy

"I've never been to one of these things. There is a prayer service and a collection for the homeless, right?" - Lamby

"If it's a cross between "Burning Man" and "The Lottery", count me in." - Boneman

"Will I have unrestricted access as "Official Photographer"? I don't want to lead you on, but there is always the chance I could become the Linda Eastman to your Paul McCartney." - Foam

"I have extra curtain fabric from my kids' "basement oasis" project. I can provide the curtains to hide the shame of the rampant fornication that's sure to take place from the opening act onwards." - Helene a.k.a. Kate

"Sex AND drugs AND Rock'n'Roll? I am SO there!" - Leelee

"Don't have public showers where men can bathe together. Trust me on this." - Cathy

"Sex at your event is one thing I haven't crossed off of my list! See you there!" - RevRee

"I've heard that your event will make the film "Midnight Express" seem like the Disney version of a Turkish prison, only with poorer quality hashish." - Bespelled

"Your blog may have "jumped the shark" with this promotion. Unless you actually have a "Pug Jumps the Shark" event. Then it would be SO cool!" - Anonymous from California

I will field more of your questions in the comments section (pics to be added BTW). I hope to see all of you real soon at THE FIRST ANNUAL PUGLYPALOOSA!!!


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Resolutions for Others: #2

Hi everybody,

The first thing I will ask you to do is click the play button on the music machine to your right.

Okay, now we're cookin'.

We're all WAY "politicked off" by now, so I'll keep today's resolution short and bittersweet.

Today's resolution is simple: let's be careful from here on out who we elect to run the country.

NEVER again. Peace out.


"ANY job that one is INCAPABLE of performing, can be considered a TOUGH job. Doesn't matter if we're talking about W's Presidency or even Yours Truly in the bedroom."

- Pug Puerileuwaite, in an excerpt from his interview with Larry King


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Resolutions for Others: #1

Hi everybody!

Sorry for the belated post, and welcome to 2009 here at Why Oh Why. I have a crapload of exciting new post ideas to assault your senses with in the coming weeks and months.

But first I wanted to linger in the spirit of the new year by officially designating the remaining days of January for resolutions.

Not to worry. These aren't for me. Been there, failed that, have the post to prove it. What a disaster that turned out to be.

No, rather these are for a few select corporations and individuals to adopt and become the better for it. So here goes.

Resolution #1: Less humans manning the checkouts

I first noticed this phenomenon at one and then all of my 10-local Home Depot stores. For those who may be unfamiliar, Home Depot is a vast chain of massive home improvement centers with armies of employees who are skilled in the art of avoiding us during our visits.

But until a year or so previous, we could rest assured there would be at least two unfortunate short-straw drawing humanoids shackled to their "strategically placed furthest from the exit doors" posts amongst the vast ocean of checkouts, anxious to avoid any semblance of sincere interaction as they converted our patience, funds and remaining dignity into commerce.

Then one day a couple of lanes appeared like weeds in the consumerist garden of mixed metaphors. The "Self Checkout" had emerged, seeking its projected margin of fluorescent light in the zero-sum soil of DIY retail.

While initially an exotic curiosity, these new lanes quickly proved doldrumic Sargasso Seas (for those keeping track, we're back to oceans/seas and away from gardens for the moment) from which easy escape would prove futile.

Expecting the average consumer with an IQ of 70 to scan and follow instructions is a recipe for disaster. Adding a demonic intelligence that anticipates a scanned item (at a pre-calculated weight) being placed into a bag on a scale at THE PRECISE MOMENT, just adds to the fun.

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR WRETCHED SOUL if you neglect to place the item into the bag as (and when) directed, or if you sneeze in the direction of the bag, or if you place the sample that you brought along for comparison into the bag. Or if your nut sac accidentally rests onto the scale next to the bag.

Anyhoo, I chalked up this disturbing new "innovation" as an isolated annoyance to be avoided by shopping at the competition, and gave it no further thought.

Then Walmart followed suit. Gone were the humans. Replaced by these same hellish point-of-sale gauntlets.

In partial fairness, there typically IS one actual person per lane (consisting of 2-or-4 self-checkouts each) who is on-hand to assist the 10-out-of-10 shoppers who experience difficulty. This person is usually benevolent and even helpful: correcting overages, pointing out that one's nut sac accounted for the erroneous grapes line item, and in general slyly training us for a job that this machine has already taken.

And so it appears to be just a matter of time before every big-box retail location in our universe consists purely of self-checkouts.

The First Self-Checkout?

But why stop there?

I propose a resolution to eliminate those obsolete, helpful humans who misguidedly try to save us from ourselves. Let's make the checkout process 100% free of carbon-based lifeforms.

As such, I recommend that each retail location install a self-aware supercomputer similar in concept and identical in name to "Hal" from "2001: A Space Odyssey". "Hal" will be responsible for overseeing the checkout process. If you fail to properly follow directions, a jolt of electricity is conducted through your body into the grid below.

Attempting to abandon your transaction and flee the store? Hal also controls the exit doors. And the heating/cooling system. And the oxygen supply.

In fact, Hal is SO self-aware, there no longer remains a commerce locale in existence with which he is not in constant communication. Hal knows the parameters of consumer brand loyalty. He sets those parameters.

And perhaps, just perhaps, he makes us more aware - and therefore better - consumers.