Sunday, October 14, 2007

Getting Your Dating Mojo On - Part II

Hi everybody,

I think we'd all agree that a non-political post would be a welcome respite at this point. So what would you say to the continuation of your "virtual date" with the Pug?

Wait, before you roll your eyes and make that "gagging with your index finger" gesture, please remember that I have feelings. Even though not readily apparent, they do exist under a protective candy shell where only through careful licking they can be exposed and savored. So please resist the urge to crunch and destroy them in your hunger for instant gratification at my expense.

Besides, on our "virtual date" you are guaranteed to get lucky, as there is no threat of an awkward goodnight kiss or the possibility that someone you know will spot us together and think less of you (assuming THAT'S even possible).

Since the virtual Rohypnols may have already started to take effect, allow me to refresh your memory on where our date left off. We had just finished "the 5 things The Pug likes to hear on a date" appetizer, along with a couple of drinks and some witty banter from the Pug's side of the table.

So let's continue on with the main course, shall we?


The 5 things The Pug hates to hear on a date:

“My last boyfriend...”

No one wants to hear about your past flames. Even if they were really flaming flames. The Pug likes to pretend that his date is similar to a virginal young Brooke Shields, waiting for the right "pro" (tennis or otherwise) to come along. And of course by "right pro", I mean somone with an comparable set of bushy eyebrows that match up with hers. Okay, just kidding about the eyebrows. Though it is important to create the illusion that the girl has remained chaste in anticipation of her date with the Pug (similar to Brooke's character in "The Blue Lagoon", or - if you're extremely creepy - "Pretty Baby"). Wearing a Catholic school girl outfit probably wouldn't be a bad idea either.

“Do you mind if I take this call?”

Yes, I DO mind. Because The Pug has been burnt before. Whether it's covert camera phone pictures (for later posting) snapped of The Pug eating like a pig, or a competing male caller looking for a last minute "escort", he's been betrayed in virtually every way possible by this seemingly innocuous device. And don't get me started on those games that come with the damned things. I once had a girl knock out 12*-games of "Dig Dug" before the check arrived (* my projected estimate, as I seldom stay for the check).

“So how do you feel about religion?”

This is tricky subject matter on a date, for several reasons. First of all, the Pug does not want to be reminded that God may be monitoring his activities this particular evening. As this is a momentary escape from his responsibilities, the Pug also expects the Supreme Being to take the occasional evening off from his hindrance and persecution of yours truly.

Secondly, if you play your cards right, the Pug will provide the religious experience. In fact, (I hate to brag) a handful of women have been so profoundly affected, they subsequently chose to continue on the path of righteousness and became nuns full-time.

Thirdly, we already know (with the exception of a few rather unfortunate and disturbing episodes, no thanks to Craig's List) that the physical parts likely match up. So why bring religious affiliations into the equation? So what if you're a Fanatical Muslim and I'm Selective Pentecostal? Can't we for just tonight adopt the military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy in order to team up, take those hills, dig a foxhole, and deploy our own "weaponry"?

“And then I found this cute pair of sandals...”

It's not so much that the Pug is not into footwear. To the contrary! By the time this sordid little affair of ours winds down to its inevitable conclusion, my obsession with "all things feet" will be painfully apparent.

But a recollection of your recent shopping excursions is hardly appropriate dinner conversation, as it creates the impression that your credit may be maxed out, and therefore not available for securing my loyalty. This will likely cause indigestion.

“How do you feel about having a family?”

The Pug no longer lives in the deep South. So trust me. Offering up your family members for his sexual amusement is not a good idea. Yet. There will be time for that once a relationship develops.


Well, that concludes our virtual date. And please, no calls in 2-weeks about how I allegedly knocked you up. This will improve your odds of hooking up again, most likely at my company's Christmas party (anything to dispel those nagging gay rumors ... so try to wear some makeup and let me lead during the slow dances). I had a good time, and I'll blog you.