My very good friend and alter ego, the Pug pictured in my avatar, died unexpectedly earlier today. I'm going to take a break from blogging for a while. I'll be back when I'm ready. Take care, my friends.
By this point, you're probably all "Bermuda Triangled" out, and might be ready for yours truly to disappear into the great beyond if he mentions the subject again (Oops! I just did ...). So I thought I'd switch gears and share my ideas on a vastly different topic; one that I've been ruminating on, as I wonder why things are the way they are.
I had an epiphany (I would've preferred "Tiffany", but I couldn't locate the mall she's singing at): we need to do much better in one key area of civilization: "On-Hold" and background music. Now if you're like me (and who isn't?), you'll listen to the occasional tune and think, "THIS would be the perfect background song for ___________".
So here goes. I've opened the phonebook and am targetting the major industries that require my help (and yours ... well, SOME of you ...).
You Never Give Me Your Money by The Beatles Welcome To My Nightmare by Alice Cooper Take The Money and Run by The Steve Miller Band Money by The Beatles Rambling Gambling Man by Bob Seger Mony Mony by Tommy James and the Shondells
I Bleed by The Pixies Under Pressure by Queen
Cool Jerk by The Go Go's
Crash by The Dave Matthews Band
We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel Let's Get It Started by The Black-Eyed Peas Fire of Unknown Origin by Blue Oyster Cult Fire Woman by The Cult Hot Fun in the Summertime by Sly and the Family Stone Fire by The Ohio Players Cities On Flame With Rock and Roll by Blue Oyster Cult Burnin' For You by Blue Oyster Cult Fire Lake by Bob Seger Fire Down Below by Bob Seger Light My Fire by The Doors Start Me Up by The Rolling Stones Puttin' Out Fire With Gasoline by David Bowie Oops! I Did It Again! by Britney Spears Pictures of Matchstick Men by Camper Van Beethoven Eternal Flame by The Bangles Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing by Chris Isaac If You Love Someone, Set Them On Fire by The Dead Milkmen Start a Fire by Graham Parker Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple Disco Inferno by The Trammps Burning Down the House by Talking Heads Cities In Dust by Siouxie and the Banshees Burning Down One Side by Robert Plant Fire by Jimi Hendrix Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil Heat Wave by Martha and the Vandellas That Smell by Lynryd Skynyrd
Mack the Knife by Bobby Darin The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia by Vicki Lawrence Slippery People by Talking Heads
Set Me Free by The Kinks
Beautiful Loser by Bob Seger Lola by The Kinks
Found Out About You by The Gin Blossoms
Touch Too Much by AC/DC (anything by Judy Garland)
I Loved You So I Told You a Lie by Ted Nugent Do The Brown Nose by The Dead Milkmen Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin
Ship of Fools by Robert Plant Love on the Rocks by Neil Diamond The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot Sloop John B by The Beach Boys
Maggie's Farm by Bob Dylan Junior's Farm by Wings Sex Farm by Spinal Tap
Dancin' Fool by Frank Zappa I'm So Tired by The Beatles Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springsteen When You Dance, I Can Really Love by Neil Young Shake Your Hips by The Rolling Stones
I Hear You Knocking by Dave Edmunds Who Can It Be Now? by Men At Work Love is Like Oxygen by The Sweet Give a Little Bit by Supertramp Lady by Styx Submission by the Sex Pistols Another Piece of Meat by The Scorpions Crying by Roy Orbison Slave to Love by Roxy Music Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones When the Whip Comes Down by The Rolling Stones I Didn't Mean To Turn You On by Robert Palmer Super Freak by Rick James That Ain't Love by REO Speedwagon Creep by Radiohead Breaking the Girl by the Red Hot Chili Peppers I Got a Woman by Ray Charles Sheep by Pink Floyd Don't Sleep In The Subway by Petula Clarke Big Time by Peter Gabriel People by Barbara Streisand Fire and Ice by Pat Benetar Promises in the Dark by Pat Benetar Goodbye to Romance by Ozzy Ozbourne Don't Speak by No Doubt Cracklin' Rosie ny Neil Diamond Turning Japanese by The Vapors Hair of the Dog by Nazareth These Boots Were Made For Walkin' by Nancy Sinatra Girls Girls Girls by Motley Crue Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye What's Your Name? by Lynryd Skynyrd Good Girls Don't by The Knack Love or Confusion by Jimi Hendrix
Pretty Baby by Blondie Baby Come Back by Player (courtesy of The Simpsons) Just Like a Woman by Bob Dylan Runaway by Del Shannon Runaway by Bonnie Raitt She's a Runaway by Bon Jovi Run Away by Jefferson Starship Touch Me by The Doors My Baby Left Me by Creedence Clearwater Revival Little Creatures by Talking Heads Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon by Neil Diamond Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter by Herman's Hermits
You Can't Catch Me by Chuck Berry Piss On The Wall by the J. Geils Band The River by Bruce Springsteen Purple Rain by Prince
Alive Again by Chicago (Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult Can't Find My Way Back Home by Blind Faith Alive by Pearl Jam If You Leave Me Now by Chicago Tombstone Shadow by Creedence Clearwater Revival That'll Be The Day by Buddy Holly Into the Great Wide Open by Tom Petty Don't Take Me Alive by Steeely Dan Goodbye to You by Scandal She's Not There by Santana Take Me With U by Prince Can't Stand Losing You by The Police So Lonely by The Police Enter Sandman by Metallica
No Woman, No Cry by Bob Marley Where Did You Sleep Last Night? by Nirvana Stir It Up by Bob Marley You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi Miracles by Jefferson Starship If You Loved Me, You'd Let Me Go by Huey Lewis and the News Just When I Needed You Most by Bread Love Is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar Just The Way It Is by Bruce Hornsby and the Range Nobody But You by Lou Reed and John Cale Hungry Heart by Bruce Springsteen Never There by Cake Goodbye to Love by The Carpenters Victim of Love by The Eagles Victim of Love by The Cars I Want You to Want Me by Cheap Trick Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen Wicked Game by Chris Isaac Maybelline by Chuck Berry Devil Woman by Cliff Richard Before You Accuse Me by Creedence Clearwater Revival You're Not the Boss of Me by They Might Be Giants Girlfriend is Better by Talking Heads Promises, Promises by The Thompson Twins Baby, Please Don't Go by Them Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp Haitian Divorce by Steely Dan Tainted Love by Soft Cell It's All Over Now by The Rolling Stones She's So Cold by The Rolling Stones This Old Heart of Mine by Rod Stewart You've lost That Lovin' Feelin' by The Righteous Brothers What'd I Say by Ray Charles Cruel To Be Kind by Nick Lowe You Don't Bring Me Flowers by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond
Don't Touch Me There by The Tubes Touch Me In the Morning by Petula Clarke (You've Got) The Magic Touch by The Platters I Have the Touch by Peter Gabriel Shock the Monkey by Peter Gabriel
Mental Health Services
Don't Bring Me Down by The Animals She Talks To Angels by The Black Crowes Can't Find My Way Home by Blind Faith Crazy by Patsy Cline (courtesy of The Simpsons) Runaway Train by Soul Asylum I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow by The Soggy Bottom Boys The Tracks of My Tears by Smokey Robinson If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow Up! by Shania Twain Fool to Cry by The Rolling Stones Happy by The Rolling Stones Everybody Hurts by REM Busload of Faith by Lou Reed Knock Me Down by the Red Hot Chili Peppers Shiny Happy People by REM Stop Your Sobbing by The Pretenders Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd Trouble by Pink Nobody's Fault But Mine by Led Zeppelin Friends by Led Zeppelin Crazy Train by Ozzy Ozbourne How Bizarre by OMC Bark at the Moon by Ozzy Ozbourne It's My Life by No Doubt Can't Get You Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai
Papa Loved Mama by Garth Brooks Lovers In a Dangerous Time by Bruce Cockburn Prove It All Night by Bruce Springsteen Anticipation by Carly Simon Double Life by The Cars Lust For Kicks by The Cars You're All I've Got Tonight by The Cars Stay the Night by Chicago Too Much Money Business by Chuck Berry Let's Go To Bed by The Cure Everybody Wants Some! by Van Halen Love In Action by Todd Rundgren Waterfalls by TLC Stop! In the Name of Love by The Supremes Stray Cat Strut by The Stray Cats Love the One You're With by Steven Stills Evil Ways by Santana Let's Spend the Night Together by The Rolling Stones Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby? by The Rolling Stones Love Rollercoaster by the Ohio Players Roxanne by The Police Since I've Been Loving You by Led Zeppelin Hey, Hey, What Can I Do by Led Zeppelin Gimme Three Steps by Lynyrd Skynyrd Locomotive Breath by Jethro Tull
Get Out of This House by Shawn Colvin Breaking Up Is Hard To Do by Neil Sedaka Time For Me To Fly by REO Speedwagon Walk Away Renee by The Association Gone, Gone, Gone by Bad Company She Caught the Katy by The Blues Brothers Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash
I'm a Loser by The Beatles Deadbeat Club by The B-52's War Pigs by Black Sabbath The Continuing Story of Bungalo Bill by The Beatles
Big Shot by Billy Joel Is that All There Is? by Brenda Lee Just a Little Is Enough by Peter Townsend One Tin Soldier (from the movie "Billy Jack")
Love Is The Drug by Roxy Music White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane Remedy by The Black Crowes Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi Toxic by Britney Spears Haven't Got Time For The Pain by Carly Simon She Sells Sanctuary by The Cult Don't Come Around Here No More by Tom Petty Get Off My Cloud by The Rolling Stones Mother's Little Helper by The Rolling Stones No-No Song by Ringo Starr Lithium by Nirvana Dr. Feel Good by Motley Crue Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce
Too Many People by Paul McCartney
I Don't Like Mondays by The Boomtown Rats Bad Boys Get Spanked by The Pretenders School's Out by Alice Cooper Imaginary Lover by Atlanta Rhythm Section Maggie May by Rod Stewart Lovers In A Dangerous Time by Bruce Cockburn Don't Stand So Close To Me by The Police Bang a Gong (Get It On) by T-Rex Smokin' In The Boys' Room by Brownsville Station Hot For Teacher by Van Halen School by Supertramp (She's) Sexy and 17 by The Stray Cats My Old School by Steely Dan Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkle Schools Are Prisons by the Sex Pistols To Sir With Love by Lulu Teacher by Jethro Tull Harper Valley PTA by Jeannie C. Riley
Sex Change Clinics
She's Always a Woman by Billy Joel Found Out About You by The Gin Blossoms She's Got Everything by The Romantics The Perfect Girl by The Cure Girl Don't Tell Me by The Beach Boys Something in the Way by Nirvana Maneater by Hall and Oates You Better Hang Up by Don Henley Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel Tell Her About It by Billy Joel Where's the Dress? by Brooks and Dunn Then He Kissed Me by The Chiffons Boys Don't Cry by The Cure Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndie Lauper Growing On Me by The Darkness Changes by David Bowie Rebel Rebel by David Bowie Natural Thing by UFO Here Comes My Girl by Tom Petty I'd Love to Change the World by Ten Years After Hurt So Bad by Linda Ronstadt Man! I Feel Like a Woman! by Shania Twain (also suitable for Prisons) Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? by Rod Stewart Hot Legs by Rod Stewart Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies Wave of Mutilation by The Pixies Get the Party Started by Pink When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge Evenflow by Pearl Jam Just a Girl by No Doubt Longfellow's Serenade by Neil Diamond Down Under by Men At Work Ohh! My Head by Richie Valens Are You Gonna Go My Way by Lenny Kravitz What Is And What Should Never Be by Led Zeppelin Moby Dick by Led Zeppelin Wang Dang Doodle by Koko Taylor Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas Any Way You Want It by Journey A Boy Named Sue by johnny Cash Thick As a Brick by Jethro Tull Uptown Girl by Billy Joel You Keep Me Hangin' On by The Supremes
Fairies Wear Boots by Black Sabbath
Every Breath You Take by The Police Private Eyes by Hall and Oates Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2 Lost In The Supermarket by The Clash Green Onions by Booker T and the MGs
Sweet Leaf by Black Sabbath Horizontal Bop by Bob Seger Bad Moon Risin' by Creedence Clearwater Revival Blister in the Sun by the Violent Femmes A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harem
Don't Follow by Alice In Chains You Keep Me Hangin' On by The Supremes Gimme Some Slack by The Cars Cruiser by The Cars Stuck In a Rut by The Darkness Cruisin' by Smoky Robinson Can't Get There From Here by REM
Congratulations! You are now cursed to walk the Earth, remembering these tunes (and looking like an idiot with that smirk) as you enter the aformentioned establishments.
Now is probably as bad a time as any to introduce a new type of post which I will call "Handling the Pug's Mailbag". In it, I will attempt to respond to anonymous questions from readers.
1) Does the Bermuda Triangle REALLY exist?
Yes it does. But the "powers that be" in the Pentagon, Oval Office, and even Red Square, are doing their best to convince us that there is no Triangle. And it's sad that this is the shape the world is in.
2) What really happened to "Flight 19"?
Unfortunately the "lost squadron" was at the mercy of a leader who exhibited sheer stubborn cluelessness. His version of reality had him over the Florida Keys, even though the flight had been heading due east from Fort Lauderdale for dozens of miles. Thus - over the arguments of his student pilots (who insolently wanted to fly west) - he led them on a meandering northeast path; farther and farther away from land. Furthermore, the flight leader apparently had a history of becoming disoriented during flight, reportedly having ditched his plane into the ocean on two previous occasions. If nothing else, we can take solace in knowing that - ever since - organizations have realized the importance of hiring intelligent and open-minded managers with track records of success and sound judgement.
3) When can we expect your payment?
I really don't see how this question has any relevance to the topic of the Bermuda Triangle, so I will have to handle this one "off-line". Unless ... of course ... my payment ... "disappeared" into the "Triangle".
4) Could spontaneous releases of methane gas be sinking ships and crashing planes into the Bermuda Triangle?
Sorry, but that theory doesn't retain solid credibility with yours truly. I know people who expel methane gas constantly, and there is no empirical evidence to support the assertion that objects situated overhead (such as ceilings, fans and light fixtures) have lost "buoyancy". Market value? Yes. Buoyancy? No.
5) Did Columbus really witness strange phenomena (dancing lights, compass variations, and a fireball crashing into the ocean) in the Bermuda Triangle during his first voyage?
Fortunately, we can get the answer directly from the man himself, as I've been known to "channel" on occasion. And surprisingly enough, Columbus looks and sounds a lot like Robert DeNiro. Let me ask him.
Me: "Columbus, did you see anything unusual during your first voyage to the New World?"
Columbus: "I seen lots of things."
Well there you have it. I hoped that you found this first delivery of "Handling the Pug's Mailbag" entertaining, and most important: educational.
Scary Monster left a comment yesterday asking about the meaning behind grouping bloggers into White Sheep and Black Sheep pens on my sidebar. I started to respond, but realized I needed a post that I could "phone in". So here we are with a classic "Win (me, for being able to phone it in) - Win (Scary, for receiving a more detailed answer than in a comment) - Lose (those of you who were hoping(?) for a real post)" scenario.
And what is the basic "politically correct" answer? It's the same as I explained to RevRee: White Sheep might use a feather during foreplay. Black Sheep would prefer the whole chicken.
But in "reality", it goes much deeper than that (I probably overuse that line more than I should).
It's a riches to rags tale that - alas - is too often recounted. When I started out blogging "back in the day", I fell in with a good crowd. They were wholesome and pure (except for Leelee, as I subsequently found out), and much too innocent for the likes of me.
Note: the western tip of the Triangle points to Leelee's Antique Shoppe. Coincidence?
My inner compass (which surprisingly works BEST in the Bermuda Triangle) advised me to take my blog in uncharted directions. Ones that pandered to my own whimSICKal version of life, and my penchant for burying treasure. So I reluctantly said goodbye to those landlubbers who would be appalled by my saltiness and nocturnal (brain) emissions, although I do sometimes miss and think about them as I'm "shivering me timber".
However, much to my delight, some of the White Sheep stayed on, and even new ones signed up for full shares on the voyage of this Ship of Fools into the "Bermuda Triangle of Short Subjects", or "Bermuda Shorts", if you prefer (and I know that some of you do ... sickos).
Only the White Sheep get regular floggings on this cruise, because the Black Sheep are too into it
So, I thought I would try to do my best to keep them in separate compartments below decks. Hence, we have the White Sheep and the Black Sheep (little did I know that Lamby would hijack the whole "sheep" concept for her own disgusting amusement).
But anymore, I can't tell the White Sheep from the Black Sheep, and nothing is as it should be. The compass says "north", but the moon isn't cooperating. I feel like Lt. Chuck Taylor of the ill-fated Flight 19 squadron, wondering if I'm actually in the Gulf of Mexico.
Well, like they say, when mixing metaphors, why not add the lemons that life drops into your lap for extra tangy-ness? We may as well enjoy ourselves on our little voyage of the damned. Here are a few activities (besides the floggings) for us to get our "Jolly Roger on":
On clear nights and calm seas (when vomiting is at a minimum), we can all gather on deck with our snifters of Cognac and stargaze. And unlike those Titanic idiots, we WILL have binoculars to view the wonders of the heavens, and to distract ourselves as certain passengers elect to play "sub hunt" with each other instead.
Another popular recreational treat is swimming. Even the more timid passengers are "encouraged" to partake in this often solo activity, and since the body does tend to stay afloat more readily in salt water, their fears quickly submerge, er, subside. And as such, being in the water theoretically improves their odds for survival versus being on-deck.
Who doesn't enjoy a good weenie roast? We can start with one of the White Sheep. Careful with that lighter fluid!
Before I wrap-up this installment, I would like to leave you with a relevant "Sea Chanty" that I know Mighty D in particular is quite fond of. And as a "Reader Rewards Bonus", I've taken "special liberties" with it, in the form of extra lyrics. So enjoy, mateys.
Love, exciting and new (Especially, when ... we first get nude)
Come Aboard. We're expecting you (On the lost voyage ... you are so screwed)
Love, life's sweetest reward (Until one month into it ... then I really get bored)
Let it flow, it floats back to you. (Not unlike ... a turd in the loo)
Love Boat soon will be making another run (As soon as I deposit this batch ... in the o-ce-an)
The Love Boat promises something for everyone (Hepatitis, Herpes and VD ... not all of it's fun)
Set a course for adventure (Our compass points to dementia)
Your mind on a new romance (Who may or may not be wearing pants)
Love won't hurt anymore (We have plenty of K-Y ... in our shipboard store)
It's an open smile on a friendly shore (How 'bout naked women? I'd prefer them more)
Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! (hey-ah!) (Cha cha cha)