Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Injunction Junction

Hi everybody,

So sorry for the delay, however because of the impending legal action, I was required to wait 90-days before posting anew. Thankfully that requirement has now been met and I can fill you in to the extent that the law allows.

Suffice it to say, Black Bart and all Puglypaloosa funds are nowhere to be seen. I am hoping for the best, and that this will be revealed as pure coincidence. However there are many indications that the 2-disappearances may be related.

Authorities are searching for Black Bart and the missing monies, and attorneys are diverting all attention from Serena's Workperson's Comp case to instead focus pro-bono on formal charges and protection from Puglypaloosa creditors. I am presently dealing with the aftermath of Black Bart's apparently endless, shady business dealings, least of which include the truckloads of illegal Mexicans and Canadians that he snuck in as cheap labor.

I've been able (until now) to placate both groups, pending a plan for repatriation to their respective banana republics. However I've run out of cheap beer and World Cup Soccer for one group, and even cheaper beer and Regional Curling rebroadcasts for the second. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Meanwhile, if anyone spots Black Bart, please report his whereabouts to the local authorities or dogcatcher. And remember that while he is not armed, he can be dangerous (mostly as a trip hazard). So use extreme caution, especially around stairs. Also be wary of his ability to charm and manipulate. As many of us can attest, he makes "The Most Interesting Man in the World" from those Dos Equis commercials look like a schmuck amateur.

Here at Puglypaloosa "Command Central", we've already been fielding reports of Black Bart spottings across the globe. Let's keep those updates coming in, and keep each other abreast* (* usually - in more carefree days - I would attempt a sophomoric aside here, however this is not the time for titillation) of developments.

So far these are a few of the unconfirmed Black Bart sightings:

- Seen at the World Cup in South Africa with Paris Hilton; reportedly showed little interest in her Vuvuzela; unlikely to be the real Black Bart, as he is a notorious horn-dog. Paris later detained for marijuana possession / tried to pin it on Black Bart.

- Allegedly duped British Petroleum into believing he was an "Oil Spill Consultant"; being blamed for failed design of first containment seal, which is identical to twist-off cap from Boone's Farm wine bottle.

- Multiple sightings with Lindsay Lohan; reportedly convinced her to invest in and become a celebrity endorser for "BLOactive", a cocaine-based topical acne treatment; also reputedly duped her into drinking by falsely claiming she could slip skin from a cadaver betweeen her ankle and the alcohol monitoring bracelet to fool the authorities.

- Identified as Mel Gibson's new sidekick; overheard convincing Mel that it was okay to "get crazy" and "tie one on", on occasion; also observed convincing "Braveheart" that his views were "spot on" (particularly the ones on relationships and minorities) and meant to be shared with others; then leaked (after first leaking on) the tapes.

- Allegedly convinced Larry King to "try other things while he was still young", allegedly to entice Larry into resigning so that Kathy Griffin* (* a suspected Black Bart associate) could take over (Disclosure: I am also  currently being considered as Larry's replacement) and install Black Bart as Producer.

- Suspected of orchestrating a Yankees coup where he is running the team by October (don't know how he plans to get rid of George Steinbrenner)

More reports to follow, as they become available.