Wednesday, October 25, 2006

This Just In - Working Sucks!


Hello everyone,

A thousand pardons for taking so damned long to pinch out a new post. The least I can do is subject you all to an excruciatingly long and dull explanation. So here goes.

I am now over a week into my new job. And for the first time in quite a while, I am being forced to consistently earn my pay. Now I understand what one or two of you go through on rare occasions. Holy crap! Work totally bites. There's virtually no time for me to masturbate at my desk, let alone blog* (* the "other" form of gratification with the "other" white meat ... the whites of your eyes!).

I've been run ragged. Is it normal to experience "burn out" after only 8-days in a new job?

I travel quite a bit, but it's all driving, which I don't mind nearly as much as flying. And the new slavemasters really seem to like me. Which is nice, but totally unnecessary, since I'm still under the influence of "New Employee Stockholm Syndrome". I praise memos, send out "great idea" emails, and remain attentive in meetings. The exceptionally kind treatment (I get TWO helpings of gruel, plus one "courtesy reacharound" per day) appears to be making the other prisoners both jealous and surly.

I'm beginning to suspect that they are plotting to throw this particular pug and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat down the nearest well until I can be sold to Egyptian slave traders. Hating me because of my beauty and innocence is an ugly thing. Bastards.

I work with many different accounts, and as a result I meet a wide spectrum of interesting people. But unfortunately so far there have been no offers of sex. However the new compensation plan is due by December, so there is hope on the horizon.

I appreciate everyone who stayed in touch by continuing to comment on my previous post. Moving forward I'll try to be more regular in my posting, commenting and even my bowel movements. I know that some of you are wondering if there's much difference between the three.


Sunday, October 15, 2006

Decoding the Signals

Hello everyone,

Though I do strive for variety in my posts, a trend has become blatantly apparent. One that threatens to morph me into a dreaded "advice columnist". The cruelly elusive hope of interacting with other humans (?) in a romantic context is of great appeal to some (okay, all) of you. So why not borrow from a "Kinks" album title and "give the people what they want"? At least for one more post.

So here goes. For now. I hope you find this helpful. And if not, keep your chins up and remember that self-pleasure has a lot of the same guilt without the expense, emotional investment or need for restraining order.

It’s no secret that the language of love isn't always the most, well, direct. Or socially acceptable, for that matter. That’s why so many single people spend hours analyzing emails from dates trying to figure out if “Please leave me alone” is a brush-off, or wondering whether that invitation of “I’ll make dinner for you” indicates a desire to share a whole lot more than a favorite keilbasa recipe. So how can you figure out the real message? Since I care so very damned much for every one of you, I shall decode eight common lines so you’ll spend less time scratching your head, armpits or nether regions and more time spreading the love.


Line: “I’d love to stay out, but I have to get up really early tomorrow.”

What it means: “The prospect of waking up early is infinitely more appealing than pissing away any more of my evening with you."

Of course, if it’s 2 a.m. or your date follows up with, “But let’s get together soon — how does February 29th sound?”, the fact that he or she wants to end the date is no big deal. Unless last year was leap year. Or if it's March. But if the night is young or your date mentions an aversion to staying out late in the middle of, say, greeting you at the start of the date, that’s not a good sign. Your date may sense there’s no connection and may be contemplating a fake seizure in order "pop the escape hatch". At least look at the upside: This person’s also freeing you from a situation that’s not going anywhere, so just enjoy your dinner, then pretend you're going to the restroom and skedaddle out back so it doesn't set you back monetarily.


Line: “I had such a good time with you.”

What it means: The use of past tense indicates that the good time was fleeting at best, and has since elapsed. Your date senses that your ability to entertain is not sustainable, and if he or she cuts it short now, there's the possibility of sex with the usual backup.

You may have to carefully consider if it's your lot in life to be the "warm up act". Every great baseball team has to have a good set-up man. A batter who sacrifices the runner over to 3rd base, or a pitcher who guides the game through the doldrums of the middle innings. Take solace in the fact that at least you're on the team.


Line: “I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

What it means: “I’m just not ready for a relationship. With you."

It’s hard when someone you like tells you he or she’s not in a place to seriously date anyone. But it also makes you hope that the problem is timing, not your lack of a "desirable" personality. If you can just be patient, you think, things could percolate, right? Wrong. Don’t be fooled — when this person does meet someone who has that spark, he or she will indeed be ready for a relationship. It doesn't matter if the "spark" is Ted Bundy or Courtney Love. As long as it's not you.


Line: “I’d love to meet up, but I’m just really busy with work right now.”

What it means: Since being "busy" at work is a voluntary condition, and is rare for most of us, this line is the equivalent of telling someone that you're "married to the sea". Even if you both live in Nebraska. Take the hint and move on. Or join the Navy and search for his or her ship at the rail every night.

Of course, this person could very well have a full schedule that week. But if he or she doesn’t offer any alternative dates to hang out, what you’re really being told is that this person would rather work than hang out with you.


Line: “So, gotten any other emails on lately?”

What it means: “Hopefully you have other potential victims that you can pursue.”

It's a subtle and convenient way of breaking things off while convincing your date that he or she may have "virtual" appeal to other strangers.


Line: “So, want to meet for coffee?”

What it means: “Want to meet for a coffee and then have dinner if we like each other?" Though it most likely means, "I want to be as alert and vigilant as possible, so if you try any shit, I'll be ready for it. Plus we'll be in a public place with scalding coffee within ready reach."

It’s always smart to schedule a short, easy-to-end date when you’re first meeting a new person. This is why I recommend meeting at a bus stop. If you don't make a connection by the time the bus arrives, get on. If he or she follows you, get off. Continue this process until it becomes obvious to your date that the date has concluded. And hopefully, it will. Eventually.


Line: “I’m meeting my friends for a drink — want to come?”

What it means: “I really like you and want to know if you get along with my pals. Plan on footing the entire bill if you REALLY want us to like you.”

It may sound like a casual invite, but what your date is saying is that he or she is totally comfortable being seen - after dark - with you as a couple, and is interested in how you’ll relate to his or her "orgy circle". Meeting the friends is an approval thing. Women want to see how he treats their friends, and men want to know if his friends like the girl. It may seem intimidating, but it should actually boost your ego: You’ve passed the first tests and are now on your way to becoming a full-time boyfriend or girlfriend—provided the buddies sign off. If you’re feeling just as positive about the relationship, say “Yes,” and start signing your way through the mountain of paperwork.


Line: “Why don’t you come over and I’ll cook for you?”

What it means: “You may get lucky ... and NOT get indigestion.”

Cooking for a person is a show of intimacy in a couple of ways. The person is really inviting you into his or her life. Don't get too excited though. It doesn't mean you get to STAY. Someone’s apartment is their whole world, so they’re obviously comfortable enough to make an effort to trap you into it. Then, of course, there’s the fact that you’ll conveniently be just a few steps from the couch — and the bedroom — and the dumpster - later that night. If it’s a first or early date, this might actually be a bit too personal, especially if you’re not sure how you feel about your future together. Unless you're the average guy. In which case "the future" is not a consideration at all. But if you’re pretty sure you’re ready to explore things further, congratulations, tonight could be the night. So be prepared. Have your flashlight, rappelling gear, and protective devices at the ready.


Southwestern advice columnist Puerileuwaite has written for his blog and "other" publications that so far refuse to acknowledge his contributions.


Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Pick-up Lines

Hi all,

As "The Pug's Farewell Tour" winds down its final week, it's starting to feel long and tedious, just like The Judd's Farewell Tour(s) did.

You have been way too kind with your insightful(?) and numerous comments. The attention has been wonderful and fulfilling. So much so, that I no longer feel the need to ambush people with 45-minute monologues whenever they're foolhardy enough to ask me, "How's it goin'?".

Conversely I no longer have the desire to feign interest in the lives of any actual people that I know or meet during my occasional forays into the daylight. I've morphed into one of the "Sims", which couldn't have been possible without your participation. So thanks, I guess.

Since this is a rare week where I feel the compulsion to be CONSISTENTLY productive (don't worry, it'll pass), I don't have the time or energy to create another ingeniously clever original post. So, I did what comes natural. I stole from Crimson, another blogger. Don't worry, she's cool. So much, in fact, that she doesn't even know I exist. A beautiful woman cannot call you a creep until she crosses paths with you. This is why I prefer to take the path less traveled. The illusion of potential attraction remains intact.

Mention of this takes you back, doesn't it? Back to the days before you learned of my existence, when there was no need to REALLY question God's Plan.

Certainly who am I to offer justification for what the Supreme Being does? But perhaps, just perhaps, I can momentarily boost what little value I have, in the form of helpful knowledge for my female readers in dealing with us pigs, er, pugs.

Crimson's latest post offered the Top 10 Best and Worst Pick-up Lines. All I have to "contribute" are some optional responses to consider.

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Top 10 Best(?) Pick-up Lines:

10-- "I was wondering if you have a moment to spare for me to hit on you?"

Response: "I was wondering how you slipped past the velvet rope."


9-- "What's a sexy woman like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?"

Response: "Research on effects of botched lobotomies. Thank you for participating. They have a cookie and some orange juice for you at the bar."


8-- "Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package."

Response: "Yes, I was checking out the whole package. I didn't know they accepted fruit shipments."


7-- "Who's your friend?"

Response: "At this moment? Dr. Kevorkian, if he'll take my call."


6-- "I'm new in town and can't find my way around; could I have directions to your place?"

Response: "Real men never ask for directions. You should emulate one."


5-- "I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you."

Response: "I may not be the most virus-free chick here, but I'm the only one willing to sleep with you."


4-- "You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy."

Response: "Well you must be Jamocha, because the repulsion is making me shake."


3-- "What's your name?"

Response: "No, What is on first. I am heading home."


2-- "See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute."

Response: "That's not important. Why does he need the validation? What IS important is that HE thinks you're cute. It shouldn't matter what other people think if you two are in love."


1-- "So what haven't you been told tonight?"

Response: "Beware of freaks asking stupid questions. That advice would have proven timely. I SO need to find a new fortune teller."

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Top 10 Worst Pick-up Lines:

10--"Hey, I was just thinking of you! Okay, I'm all cleaned up now though."

Response: "Well that's good. I was telling my friend when we arrived, 'Doesn't that loser look like he just shit himself?' "


9-- "How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?"

Response: "I am unable to have children, you thoughtless, insensitive prick."


8-- "What do you say we go back to my place and do some math? Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply!"

Response: "What do you say we add one bouncer boyfriend who pummels you out back, subtracts your wallet from your person, divides the money with yours truly, and multiplies with me in the back of your car?"


7-- "You might as well sleep with me because I'm going to tell everybody we did it anyway."

Response: "You may as well write your suicide note now, because I'm going to tell everybody that's what happened."


6-- "Hey babe, do you know that my bedroom is soundproof?"

Response: "Not airproof? What a pity."


5-- "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag."

Response: *Kicks oaf in the groin* "Mistakes happen. I thought those were soccer balls."


4-- "I just want to tell you that you have a price to pay for being this cute, and I'm here to collect... your phone number, that is."

Response: "Sure! Got a pen? It's 1-800-4-A-TRANN(Y)"


3-- "Did you know women are like parking spots? All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. Which are you?"

Response: "I'm over the sewer grate, next to the fire hydrant, with all of the ashtray dumpings. And yet, despite my humble location, allowing a moped on me seems like such a waste."


2-- "Can I buy you a drink or do you prefer the cash instead?"

Response: "Silly, you can't buy tampons with drinks."


1-- "If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?"

Response: "Only if I can meet the man who took yours."

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Ladies, everything I do, I do it for you.


Saturday, October 07, 2006

Seed of Power

Some bloggers felt uneasy about Puerileuwaite's feeble come-on's. RevRee was warned about the Southwestern Blogger in September of 2006

By Reardon Pounding

In the summer of 2006, bloggers were warned to steer clear of a freshman blogger from the Southwestern U.S., who was already learning the sexual habits of commenters, dashing off notes, letters and e-mails to them, and asking them to join him for ice cream, according to Lamby, a current reader. When the naive commenters asked why, they were sternly reminded that he was a PUG! "Nuff said.

Leelee said that Puerileuwaite was known to be extraordinarily friendly in a way that made some of them uncomfortable. He would comment inappropriately on their blogs. He would lead them on, then back off, and then repeat the process. This both confused and titillated the bloggers.

Dykesdog provided a handwritten letter that Puerileuwaite had sent her, suggesting that they get together during the Republican National Convention in New York City in 2004. RNC's have long been rumored to be hotbeds of "anything goes" sexual liaisons involving cattle mutilations and tupperware parties.

"Puerileuwaite knew that he could get away with this type of behavior with his readers because they were "needy"," Fair Mayden (another loyal commenter) said. "and would meekly agree to anything in order to retain his attention".

The four-month blogger threatened to resign Friday after ABC News questioned him about sexually explicit electronic messages he had sent to multiple bloggers. Examples of such messages included, ""Let me show you the post I M working on", "I know U want it", Let me Spam all over you", "C U in Clown School", and others.

Puerileuwaite was popular with many bloggers. They come from all over the nation (and Canada, as you would expect, since blogging is now that "country's" third most popular pastime after hockey and curling) to share their semi-coherent ramblings with the Pug, despite his tepid interest.

A Canadian blogger by name of /t. is but one of the Pug's many Canuck followers. In a statement, /t. mentioned that he was not "burly" enough to be a LOGGER, unlike most Canadians. So he simply added a "b" to his job title and learned basic computer skills on his Commodore 64. The rest is history.

/t. with his good friend Little Lamb (in human form)

Bloggers' lives are tightly controlled. They seldom leave their homes and their computers are monitored. They never attend social functions and spend virtually all of their time alone. So when they do receive rare one-on-one attention, it is a big deal.

The commenters did, however, receive a lot of attention from Puerileuwaite. He attended one of their parties in a pants-less tuxedo. He wrote suggestively about them in bathroom stalls. He learned their interests and asked them about themselves. For many, it was welcome attention.

Jmeped had won a lunch with the pug with a rare, intelligently constructed comment. When she asked to go to Morton's steakhouse, Puerileuwaite replied that the two of them "will cruise in my BMW to Morton's". Instead, he took her to the nearest Captain D's in his severely damaged Ford Escort".

In the comments section of a recent post, Puerileuwaite praised his readers for their maturity. "Now, I know you have one more year of high school to conclude and that probably is some degree of relief or maybe, to those you feel like you are probably well equipped to enter your first year of college," he said. "Some of you, I think, in conversing with you, some are actually mature enough to enter college right away."

Willo Keays said that Puerileuwaite's attempts to socialize with other bloggers went beyond the ordinary. In the manner of "Eddie Haskell" from the classic "Leave It To Beaver" sitcom, he left a comment on her blog that unsuccessfully attempted to shamelessly suck up to her mother and sisters in order to win their affection.

K9, a moonshining blogger from the back woods, said that, "If Puerileuwaite took the time to eChat with you, that was a big deal. That was a huge deal."

Pud, who said she never heard about Puerileuwaite's advances, remarked that some of her blogmates may have been tempted to correspond with the Pug because they were eager to land future jobs as guest posters on his enormously popular blog. "I can see how a 16-year-old would be vulnerable to that. But us grown adults should have been more capable of seeing through his bullshit."

Dykesdog, a blogger whose younger brother also is a blogger, said: "I certainly warned my little brother, who stopped blogging last year and then returned. A few bloggers are a little too friendly to the newbies."

Crash Test Comic, who occasionally performs in clubs but refuses to let folks know the locations, dates and show times, swapped links (talk about a double-entendre) with Puerileuwaite a couple months ago. He said that numerous bloggers told him to be "very careful" of the Pug. Within weeks, Puerileuwaite learned his name and asked at least twice to adopt his suggestions for the name of Crash's next "comedy" tour. He stroked the Pug along, leading him to believe that he was a shoe-in "Name The Tour" contest winner. This angered the freshman blogger, who proceeded to exchange "Yo Mama" jokes with the "comic".

"It was an odd series of comments and replies," Crash said.

After he completed a recent "By Special Invite Only" blogger orgy, Puerileuwaite wrote thank you emails to all who participated. He received a reply from Party Girl almost immediately, suggesting that the two meet up during the Republican convention in San Diego.

Staff researcher Girl Goyle and research editor Malnurtured Snay contributed to this report.

© 2006 The Pug News Agency


Monday, October 02, 2006

Career Opportunities - Part I

Hello everyone,

I can manage just a few paragraphs today to let you know I'm still alive and thinking of (most of) you.

I realize that some of you have been wondering, WTF? Do I EVER plan to post again? Well excuuuuuuse me for trying to get a life! I had no idea that blogging is creepily similar to that movie, "The Firm". Or maybe it's just like the "Hotel California", the way they* (* Lamby and /t., usually) stab at my blog with their "steely knives", but they just can't (totally) kill my zest for blogging.

(Though try, they do.)

Perhaps it's more akin to "The Devil's Advocate", where I'm granted modest blog popularity, just to have Heckle and Jeckle* (Lamby and /t., usually) descend, devour and devastate like crows on a field of prize winning corn.

(But I kid.)

Okay, since I'm currently "between ideas", I'll go with the truth for this post. I've been in the midst of career planning - a new concept I've wanted to try out for awhile now. And it has paid off. I'll be moving on to a better opportunity (Hurray for me! Hurray for everything!). So today I gave 2-weeks notice. I feel like 120 lbs.* (* about what Lamby weighs ... /t. weighs much less) has been removed from my shoulders!

(I am SO glad those two have a great sense of humor. Maybe not in their comments. But perhaps in their reactions to this post.)

Two weeks from today, I'll be starting my new job. I will meet a whole new bunch of coworkers who have no natural immunities to my bullshit. I'll be able to exclaim that "I'm on it!", with no one being the wiser. I'll also be able to confirm that "I'm all over it!", without them realizing until much too late that I was past it; not concerned with it.

Presently, my boss and the Business Office Beotch (just one of the "BOB"s) are the only one who know. The rest of the torture weasels will, as soon as they open their emails (to which I should have attached viruses ... oh well, live and learn).

Serves 'em right for leading me to believe I'd be handsomely rewarded for my efforts, just to find out they had no intention of doing so. Just like how CrashTestComic shined me on about being the front-runner in his "Name The Tour" contest, just to find out that he went with some totally obscure reference that none of us have ever heard of (Kubla Khan? WTF?!).

So how will they respond? Dull surprise? Outrage? Counter-offer? Sexual favors? To be continued ...