Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas Everybody!

I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

First off, a heartfelt thanks to the talented and sultry K9 for Christmas CDs past, present and (hopefully) future. I shall dream of her sitting on my lap, listing for hours and hours every single present she would like for herself and for each one of the other xx-billion people inhabiting the planet.

And of course I also would like to thank everyone for your comments, visits and friendship. I wish I could be there to drunkenly impose myself on each and every one of you during the holidays. But alas, that is not possible. So please accept the following token of my appreciation.


Monday, December 08, 2008

Moana Lisa

Hi everybody,

Still no time or energy just yet to resume my normal trickle of insipid posts. So instead I thought I'd share an image courtesy of Dianne.

And let me tell you, it was quite the challenge for me to even get to see "the goods". Which seems to mirror this particular pug's real life most poetically these days.

I'd like to tentatively rename it "The Pug's Moana Lisa". I'll leave it to all of you to analyze the image for hidden symbols and clues.

So I need you to put on your "historical art detective caps" and help me out.

Why is she smiling? Why is she covering up? What is the significance of red in the picture? Is this REALLY a "thinly-veiled self-portrait" of the pug? What secret message(s) do the garter and armband convey? Why is there a noticeable absence of belly button bling? What is that green, conical object in the lower right of the frame? What exactly is a "Louvre"?


Sunday, November 30, 2008

Rejected Video #6

Hi everybody,

Well I was going to stop at #5 (and save the vast supply of rejected Lamby tribute videos for future generations), but moving on takes work; and I haven't had the time and energy for it.

So consider this an encore. Enjoy.

Dolly Dagger by Jimi Hendrix

Here comes Dolly Dagger
Her love’s so heavy, gonna make you stagger
Dolly Dagger
she drinks the blood from a jagged edge
aw, drink up baby

Been riding broomsticks since she was fifteen
Blowin' out all the other witches on the scene
She got a bullwhip just as long as your life
Her tongue can even scratch the soul out of the devil’s wife
Well I seen her in action at the Player's Choice
Turn all the love men into doughnut boys
Hey, red hot mama you better step aside,
This chicks gonna turn you to a block of ice
Look out!

Here comes Dolly Dagger,
Her love's so strong gonna make you stagger, baby
Dolly Dagger
She drinks her blood from a jagged edge
Uh, right on
Drink up, baby

Yeah, look at old burnt out Superman
Tryin' to shoot his dust on the sun
Captain Karma kids, they're dead on the run
Oh the words of love, ah
Do they ever touch Dolly Brown?
Better get some highway an' clear outta town

Here comes Dolly Dagger,
Her love's so heavy gonna make you stagger
Dolly Dagger
She ain't satisfied 'til she gets what she's after
She drinks the blood from a jagged edge
Watch out Devon
You give me a little bit of that heaven

Dolly, heavy mama, get it on, get it on, get it on
Dolly, heavy mama, get it on, get it on, get it on
Dolly, heavy mama, get it on, get it on, get it on
Dolly, heavy mama, get it on, get it on, get it on
Get it on, get it on, get it on, get it on, get it on, get it on
Woo, yeah, yeah, yeah
Woo, yeah, yeah, yeah
Woo, yeah, yeah, yeah
Woo, yeah, yeah, yeah
Woo, yeah, yeah, yeah


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Rejected Video #5

Hi everybody,

I almost forgot this (probably) last video to (possibly) close out our inaugural "Lambypaloosa".

It's rather tame, and yet the "sharks" still had a few issues with it representing our Little Lamb. See if you can see what they saw.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Rejected Video #4

Hi everybody,

Let us continue with our intimate little "death march" of videos that the legal beagles deemed "inappropriate" for my Lamby tribute.

For some reason, this one in particular had them squealing their disapproval.

Let's see what you think.


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Rejected Video #3

Hi everybody,

Shall we press on with the latest installment from videos submitted to and rejected by the attorneys, for fear of drawing the vicious wrath of the Lamb Anti-Defamation Society (LADS)?

Okay, you win. By now you should have the rules down pat: carefully view the selection and see if you can spot any of the same concerns as the lawyers.

(Darn ... I really thought I'd captured Lamby in her native habitat with this one ...)


Saturday, November 15, 2008

Rejected Video #2

Hi everybody,

Today's video selection, for some odd reason, was even more vehemently rebuked by the legal eagles than the last one.

Perhaps the lines between fantasy and reality for this canine should not have been laid in chalk. Some may see this vignette and ask "Why Lamby?", while I see it and ask "Why not?".

Anyway, check it out and see if you can spot anything that the lawyers found to be objectionable.


Friday, November 14, 2008

Rejected Video #1

Hi everybody,

As "promised", here is the first of the tunes* (* more so than the videos themselves) that didn't "pass muster" with the lawyers. See if you can determine why.

For those just tuning in (who weren't here yesterday), please refer to the previous ("A Tribute to Lamby") post, to get up to speed.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

A Tribute to Lamby

Hi everybody,

Serena recently posted on the topic of "promises" which I found to be a fascinating concept that I wish to someday explore a bit further.

Apparently one of the "caveats" of a promise is that "ideally" it should be kept. But this shouldn't discourage any of you from also seeking to learn more on the subject.

Anyhoo, I though I would "test the waters" by keeping a sort-of promise that I made to Lamby. I said that I would post "her video" after getting the previous offering out.

Well let me admit here and now that this was no easy task. Lamby has many rabid, er, AVID followers who would turn on me even more mercilessly than they already do; if I were not "extremely careful" with my choice.

So as a precaution, I ran each and every "proposed video selection" by my company's legal department* (* access to these folks is a perk they arranged for me, for some strange reason, as a condition of employment), before they FINALLY approved this one.

As such, I would like to present Melanie's "Brand New Key" as my (officially approved) choice for the tune that represents the essence of Lamby.

Who among us cannot picture a cute little woolen creature on roller skates screeching down the broken pavement of our imperfect world, seeking to make it a better place? Here she comes! Now where did I misplace that brand new key?

As an added bonus, each day I shall post one of the videos that the legal team rejected.

Litigiously yours,
Pug Puerileuwaite, Esq.


Saturday, November 01, 2008

An Independent Choice

Hi everybody!

First off, I would like all of you to note the exclamation point at the end of my greeting above, as it boldly punctuates my genuine joy in seeing your bright shiny faces today!

I'm delighted to have you here; since I have a hastily thrown together, surprise announcement to make: This Humble Pug is throwing his collar into the ring as YOUR candidate for the Presidency of these United States of America! Including Texas (for now)!

So be sure to WRITE ME IN as YOUR CHOICE for President when you go to the polls tomorrow. And if you've already voted, I have great news: you can STILL vote again. We'll simply arrange for them to "lose" your original ballots. And if you vote within the next 24-hours, I'll throw in Black Bart as my "Vice" President at no extra charge!

Also, I want to give a HUGE shout-out to my Future First Lady, the lovely Sparring K9, who not only convinced me that I could get some change out of running, but also provided ALL of the images for this post. Together in the White House, she and I will make JFK and Jackie look like Ozzie and Harriet (or Ozzie and Sharon, if you prefer)!

You probably want to know (a) little about me, so here is where I stand on our most popular issues:

Economy - I am for a strong economy. As such, there will be no Republicans, Texans or women advising me in this area.

Iraq - I am committed to withdrawing ALL troops and oil by Christmas.

Health Care - Everyone will be provided with "goodie bags" containing prescriptions of their choice. Additionally, all of you will be automatically enrolled as "Beta Test Subjects" in all current and future testing of new pharmacueticals.

Terrorism - I am firmly opposed to terrorism in any form. As such, anyone suspected of planning or being engaged in terrorist activities will also be enrolled in my aforementioned pharmaceutical beta test program.

Joe the Plumber - Enough with the division and wisecracks already. "Joe the Plumber" must mean more to us than a political device used to manipulate morons who can barely manage to read something other than "Letters to Penthouse" or pull a lever other than the tiny one in their pants. Anyone with a fat ass and droopy drawers should and will be entitled to a trade that provides frequent thrills for neglected housewives. So let us reverently embrace those among us who fix our leaks without toiling at a clinic.

Ellen DeGeneres - Will be shipped to Guantanamo immediately along with Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah for "reprogramming" sans any video cameras. Let's see how enthusiastically she dances after the enemas, boarding, and other "waterpark activities".

CEOs - Orange will be the "In" color this year for the current crooks. Be sure to wave as you pass them by on the road. Or rather, on the side of the road; where chained together they will be seen breaking up rocks, serve as a natural protective barrier for loose, tumbling boulders, and catch those discarded hot coffee containers that we were almost finished consuming.

Abortion - Although The Pug is currently Pro-Choice, I think we all agree that abortion should be eliminated. Life is precious. I certainly know how fond I am of my own* (* from there, it of course becomes increasingly less precious, based on a sliding scale of inverse proximity). So the best way to prevent abortion is to prevent conception in the first place. But HOW can we promote abstinence using a "holistic" approach? My plan is to equip all women with Birkenstock sandals, "alternate" lifestyles and corporate middle management positions. The men will be provided with unlimited access to video games of all forms, which they will be encouraged to discuss incessantly in their places of employment. These enhancements should reduce social mingling of the sexes, and keep conception to a minimum (if not eradicate it entirely).

Taxes - My plan is to eliminate all federal, state, local and sales taxes within the next 2-years. Instead the government will generate revenues by installing pedestrian and vehicle toll booths at every intersection. Also, all Internet Pornography will be strictly pay-per-view and taxed at a rate of $1 per genital. No exceptions or "free samples". Not even for politicians or clergy.

Illegal Immigration - The ugly truth is that we need illegals to cheaply perform the jobs that pampered Americans find reprehensible. This includes any task that actually requires Americans to earn their pay. But the problem is that they also occasionally try to benefit from our education and medical institutions. My plan - instead of a border fence - is to install a wall containing inlet tubes that funnel these workers to the work, and then returns them safely across the border at night. And no place else. A human "habit-trail", if you will, where "who moved my cheese?" will REALLY be a relevant complaint.

Celebrities - All celebrities will be required to report for their shifts at their local rendering plants, effective immediately.


Darn. I can see by the clock on the wall that our little "fireside chat" has to be extinguished for now. Tomorrow we will take up where we left off, when I share my thoughts on some or all of the remaining issues facing us as a nation* (* including Canada, Australia and Japan: all of which I plan to annex during my first 30-days in office).

Social Security
The Stock Market
Dick Cheney
The Bush Family
Materialism and Greed
The Environment
International Relations
Our Veterans
Campaign Reform
Separation of Church and State
The Biased Media
Small Business
Insurance Companies
Banking and Finance
The Military
Oil Companies
The Arts
Zamboni Operators
Chicago Cubs Baseball

Tagline #1: The Pug - Will Work For Change

Tagline #2: The Pug - A Trying President For Trying Times

Tagline #3: The Pug - If You Shoot Me, Black Bart Becomes President

Tagline #4: NPR, NRA - The Pug Will Eliminate One of Them


Friday, October 17, 2008

A Bridge To Fargo

I knew she was trouble the first time we met in that seedy karaoke bar to cement the deal.

"Ya der hey. I'm Sarah." I scolded her for her tardiness, introduced myself and my associate Black Bart, and then asked if she brought the $40 grand. "I made it clear to Phil (Gramm, the middleman in the deal) that it was the Ciera up front, and then the $40K after the ransom is paid." She was wearing her trademark revealing white blouse and tight skirt, so I was in no position to stand up and argue. At least not comfortably or without embarrassment.

"Okay, let's go check out that Ciera, Sarah (I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at my clever play on words)."

I knew little about her, other than she had once placed second in a beauty contest, was a weather girl on TV, and apparently served as governor of one of the more insignificant states somewhere west of Brainerd.

Maybe I was better off knowing as little as I did.

And thankfully in retrospect, much of what subsequently transpired was a blur. I'm in a much better place now. The mind works in mysterious ways and decides on it's own what should vividly be remembered. For me, one thing in that particular category was the long drive in our Ciera to the Twin Cities.

I chided Black Bart for lighting up in the new vehicle and exposing me to carcinogenic second-hand smoke. Bastard could've at least cracked open a window. I tried to make small talk about downtown Minneapolis skyscrapers, and asked if he'd ever been there. Nothing but silence in return. "Would it kill you to say something?", I said. Not a word. Screw it. Here I was, doing all of the driving with no conversation to break up the monotony, while all he could do is chain smoke Marlboros and sneer like Sting.

Fine. Two could play that game, fella.

As I later found out, Sarah had made a series of poor decisions that led to this fateful one, and continued to compound the misery and stress with further bad judgement.

For instance, the state auditor started to make inquiries about 2-motor pool vehicles that were unaccounted for. The VINs on the paperwork were not legible, due to the low quality of the faxed submissions. And despite the auditor's repeated insistence on clearer copies and no more faxes, Sarah continued to fax ones of increasingly bad quality. Rumor has it that Sassy landed her recent promotion in much the same manner (unreadable resume and transcripts, plus lord knows what other chicanery), but that's a Coen Brothers story for another day and an audience with a stronger collective stomach.

Anyhoo, the job was to kidnap her husband, who by all accounts was a meddling hayseed with no apparent career of his own.

She could no longer manipulate the rube into participating in fictional cross-state snowmobile endurance races in order to buy weeks of blessed domestic solitude, so she devised another plan. We would kidnap him and demand a quick ransom before his true market value could be assessed (a tactic brazenly stolen from NASDAQ and NYSE operational models). We would get our 40-G's (plus another 10 for NOT returning the hubby), and Sarah would keep the rest.

All initially went according to plan, until Black Bart and I were pulled over by that State Trooper. He noticed we were driving a fuel-efficient, American made product, which aroused his suspicion. A quick glance at the name plate on his uniform made Black Bart and I do a double-take, as we both realized he was Palin's brother-in-law. His disappearance would net us a $20,000 bonus, per Sarah. Cha-ching. In the trunk he went.

In addition to her state motor pool audit woes, Sarah now had another problem. She had gone to John McCain for the ransom money, but the old curmudgeon wouldn't simply give it to her "no questions asked". Despite his woeful interpersonal skills, the damned coot insisted on being in on the negotiations, also demanding that his confidante Carly Fiorina be included in every aspect. Carly suggested merging another current yet unrelated ransom deal into this one, in order to "maximize the synergies" between the two. What a nutjob.

We pressed on to the big city. The hubby started to whimper again from the back seat like the wuss that he was. "Shut the f*ck up, or you're going in the truck too!" shouted Black Bart.

"Jeez, that's more than I've heard you say all week," said I.

Back in Brainerd, a very pregnant Sheriff Serena received a late night call. A State Trooper had gone missing in her jurisdiction. She tumbled out of bed, soldiering on despite her perpetual morning sickness. Her highly-domesticated, balding artist husband /t. insisted that she eat a meal of runny scrambled eggs before heading out, mentioning with every bite she took that he needed her to pick up night-crawlers (which he described in great detail, to ensure she'd select the right ones) so he could go ice fishing later on.

At the scene of the empty State Patrol car, Deputy Boneman offered Serena a coffee and a damp, doughy red-jelly-filled cruller. With each bite she took, the Deputy explained how grisly traces of blood and flesh had been found close by, indicating a possible skirmish or gator attack.

"I'm not sure that I agree with you on your police work there, Lou." "Yah?" "Yah, ya see, there are no gators in Minnesota. It's way too cold." "Yah?" "You betcha." "I'll be damned."

Back at the Police Station, /t. brought Serena lunch from Arby's. As she struggled to consume her cheddar melt, /t. rifled through the bag of night-crawlers the wife had picked up, carefully inspecting each one in front of her and the light on her desk while shrieking with delight.

At this point it was revealed that /t. was a "Code Poetry Painter", and had been feverishly working on a digital Looney motif for the 3-cent eStamp. He was worried that Foam would beat him out of being awarded the design, so Serena had to constantly reassure him, which tested even her considerable patience* (* comparatively speaking, being that she was a natural redhead).

Just then, Deputy Boneman informed Serena of a report that 2-pugs in a Ciera stayed at the Blue Ox Motel last night with 2-girls they hoped would help ease the pain of their recent dumpings by Cathy and Dianne.

Sheriff Serena met the 2-girls at a local watering hole for questioning. Both seemed naive and wordly all at the same time. Britney mentioned how she was with the little fella, and that he was funny lookin'. "How so?" asked Serena. "Well, he looked a lot like Steve Buscemi if he were a canine." "Oh, I see ... will you excuse me one moment? My morning sickness seems to have returned."

Serena then asked Paris what she could remember about the other fella. "Well, he was taller and uncircumsized. The little fella called him 'Black Bart'. I called him the 'Malboro Pug' because he chain smoked Marlboros and wheezed a lot. Plus he insisted on wearing spurs and having his horse join in." "Oh, I see. Well, thanks for coming in, ladies."

Calls from the Blue Ox were traced to Phil Gramm, and in turn, calls from Phil's home were traced to Governor Palin's office. The noose was rapidly tightening. Sheriff Serena decided to pay Mrs. Palin a little visit.

"May I call you Sarah?" "No." "Okay b*tch, have it your way. MRS. PALIN, have you noticed anything missing lately? A couple of cars from the motor pool? Your husband? Your soul?"

"Look, Sheriff, this is obviously an attempt by:

- the Democrats
- my opponent
- the "gotcha" media
- informed, biased citizens
- people who watch MSNBC and Comedy Central
- people who produce and appear in MSNBC and Comedy Central shows
- ugly folks with self-image issues
- "Big Oil"
- Washington insiders
- library patrons
- non-hockey moms
- pitbulls
- Katie Couric
- lamb mistreaters
- Tina Fey
- Californians, Oregonians, Washingtonians (the state), New Englanders, Midwesterners, Mid-Atlantic staters
- blondes
- people who wear contact lenses
- former city employees
- former state employees
- former pageant competitiors
- Russians
- bridge builders to nowhere
- [your name here]
- anyone else I haven't mentioned

to slander my good name; because John McCain, James Garner* (* but not Mel Gibson), Tom Cruise in 'Top Gun', a former Ford Motor Company product, and I are all "mavericks". Would it make you happy if I perform an internal investigation of these allegations?" "No, not really, since it would obviously reveal nothing and claim to exonerate you." "Darn tootin'. Okay then, I'm off to perform the investigation." "I can't believe it!  She's fleeing the interview!"

Meanwhile, I was on my way to pick up the ransom money at our arranged meeting spot, adjacent to an Obama rally at the local Elks Club. Little did I know that McCain himself would be making the drop, making disrespectful facial gestures the whole time, and referring to me as "that pug". Though he was packin' heat, I took advantage of his inability to look down due to the lack of a neck, and snatched the satchel from below.

I then returned to our cabin hideout yonder at Moose Lake, where I discovered that Black Bart had "offed" Mr. Palin. "He was being a pain." I couldn't argue with that statement: I had seen the news footage of him and realized Black Bart's reasoning was sound.

We then started to fight over who got the Ciera. Being an American auto, neither of us wanted to be stuck with it, and there was no budging. As I was already wounded due to McCain stepping on my tail, I could only offer feeble resistance as we grappled. Black Bart dragged me to the wood chipper and started it up.

He then held me directly over its gnashing blades.

Fortunately, just then Sheriff Serena (who had spotted the Ciera) raced toward us with her gun drawn. "DROP THAT PUG!"


Sunday, October 05, 2008

An Aussie Dedication

G'day "mates" and "cobbers",

This "bludger" still needs to finish his latest "spiffy" post, which he hopes will be "fair go". But for now this "bloke" wants to confess his "perve" for a special "beaut sheila" who happens to give this "dag" the "wobblies" .

So without further ado, here is one of my favorite videos, which I dedicate to Dianne. So why not crack open a "tinny" while you give it a "burl"; and let yourself become "gobsmacked" in the wonders of futuristic Australia. Meanwhile, this "root rat" will be on the lookout for "white pointers".


Saturday, September 20, 2008

Democratic Convention - Special Report #2


Hi everybody,

How many of you (other than NYD) thought/hoped you'd never see a SECOND Special Report in your lifetime from this intrepid reporter? Well that makes all of us. Now I know some - okay, all - of you may feel inclined to take a cheap shot at me for my tardiness in whipping it out. I expect a couple of wisenheimers to demand an "equally timely" news report on Hurricane Gustav. But rest assured for once there's a good reason for the delay.

Suffice it to say, I never should've gone to Bill Richardson's post-Day-1 party. That way I would've never encountered the bad Peyote which at the time went rather nicely with some bad tequila. The next thing I recall is waking up in Tijuana along side Bill and a tranny named Juanita. It took forever to convince border guards that I wasn't a Chihuahua with a thyroid problem.

Okay, I suppose the only way to deal with my various hangovers is to get them over with. So here goes with the wrap-up of my DNC coverage.

Mark Warner (Former Governor of Virginia) led off the "major" festivities. By "major", I mean that there was a steady "stream" throughout the convention of "lesser" speakers using the podium approximately every 10-minutes. In fact, yours truly accidently got in that line by mistake, thinking it was for the port-a-potties. Turns out that my moment of "relief" was way more appreciated than anything the others had to offer. This just goes to show that you can make lemonaid from life's lemons.

Warner, otherwise known as "Mr. Charisma" almost makes Ralph Nader seem interesting. Somebody should've changed the lock so his keynote speech couldn't gain entry.

The gist of his tedious rambling was how he had a vision of cellphones transforming the world into a place where no person would ever feel as important as someone who was not actually present; and no motorist, bicyclist or pedestrian could ever feel safe outdoors again. Thank you for that, dipshit.

Next batter up was Ted Kennedy, who mentioned that nothing was going to keep him away: not cancer nor conspiracies, not Oliver Stone nor even his ex-wife Joan. He noted that America was at a crossroads. It could either return to the party that had led it astray, or it could choose a treacherous, dimly lit bridge to a safe but distant shore.

Uncle Teddy admonished us to make the bold choice, much as his brother Jack had done when deciding that the moon was not just a destination for Alice Kramden, but for America as well. We answered JFK's call and met the challenge. And it was only because of our courage and dedication, that today we can proudly boast of an American flag, lunar rover, several golf balls, a used condom, one empty Jack Daniel's bottle, and the contents of one ashtray as permanent lunar evidence of that conquest.

Terrible Ted then went on to compare our country of 8-years ago to a trusting floozy who simply elected to leave the bar with the wrong frat boy. Sure, at first we agreed that it might be a good idea to walk along the shore and gaze out toward Afganistan as we were coaxed out of our nylons. But that's as far as we wanted any troops to march.

The headliner of Day-2 was Hillary Clinton, who was introduced by her daughter. Chelsea has blossomed into a striking young woman, which makes it difficult for me to accept that Hillary has forbidden me to see her. Now this is where it gets awkward: my parents and Bill have already arranged for me to take her on a date. I know Hillary will be furious, as she thinks of me as her own "Little Intern". Love can take many forms. Why then, for me, does it always have to be in the shape of a triangle? These Clintons will be the death of me yet.

Remember when we found out that, instead of wanting to kill him - Darth Vader was actually Luke Skywalker's loving dad, and longed to rule as father and son? Well, this is the closest similarity I can muster (sorry) to depict the atmosphere as Hillary took the podium.

Was she going to unsheath her purple lightsaber and slay her nemesis, Obi Wan Obama? Or was she going to extend her gloved hand with an offer to unite so that their progeny may one day rule the galaxy together? She chose neither, electing instead to (apparently) back Obama. And yet there remained a lingering, uneasy, palpatine feeling of a sinister sequel looming as she continues to tighten her grasp on the Senate.

The next day, Joe Biden spoke. He started to apologize for being from a state so puny that even Rhode Island tries to bully it at the beginning of every new Congressional session; but then he caught himself and told everyone to go screw themselves. After all, Delaware WAS the first state in this glorious "conga-line" of democracy. Plus, why does almost every company clamor to be incorporated there, if it's not the coolest state?

He then pointed out that he accepted the nomination for "second banana" because "Dick" Cheney had set the bar low enough to stumble over. He pledged to not laugh at every one of Obama's jokes and skits, and to pay off his mortgage instead of dinking around. This alone should make him the best thing to come out of Scranton, Pennsylvania since ... ever, I suppose.

As a kid, whenever he got knocked down by guys bigger than him, his mom taught Little Joe* (* not to be confused with the beloved Michael Landon character from "Bonanza") to get back up and grab a lead pipe as he headed out the door. Soon, he was the bully. Now, the rest of us instinctively reach for lead pipes as Joe enters the room.

John Kerry spoke next, bitterly noting how four years ago he was swiftly screwed out of becoming President of the United States, but that this wasn't about him and his shattered dreams. So instead he emphasized how we must listen and lead by example because even a nation as powerful as the United States needs some friends in this world. No country likes to sit alone eating their lunch from a tray at the distant end of the world cafeteria. Nor does any nation enjoy not having friends to hang out with on coffee shop couches while listening to acoustic guitar.

Kerry noted how perhaps we can befriend Georgia. Not the sweaty and dull "southern girl next door" Georgia, but rather the timid yet exotically "stripper-attractive" foreign-exchange student Georgia. Perhaps all that is needed to scare off her abusive ex-boyfriend Vladimer, is to show up in front of his house in a souped-up GTO with a "coalition" of buddies in leather regalia.

Former President Bill Clinton came on to an exuberant roar of the crowd. As expected, he was very candid in sharing how, in the end, his candidate didn’t win. So much for all of the unaccounted-for Hillary-free time he was eagerly anticipating. And if there was barely any living with her before, this setback would make Dante's Inferno seem like a sauna.

And yet he knew that like America, he cannot be strong "abroad" unless he is strong at home. So maybe he will stand up to Hillary, since appeasement never works with dictators. People the world over have always been more impressed by power of example than by example of power. Except for Hillary. So good luck with that.

Al Gore started out by briefly dancing in front of the podium with the Elaine Benes character from Seinfeld. Then he spoke to an appreciative audience that clearly showed prodigious reverence for this esteemed inventor of the Internet, since Internet porn could not exist without it.

One of the greatest gifts of our democracy is the opportunity every four years it provides for Democrats to "kick the football through the uprights" a la Charlie Brown. So what if most times the powers that be and a whole bunch of dumbshit voters are able to cruelly swipe the ball away at the last second?

Under his Presidency, Al would have pursued bin Laden like so many discarded Florida ballots. And Chad would be one of the first places we searched.

Tipper's Skipper then noted how voting for McCain was a form of recycling, but not in the beneficial "circle of life" affirming Soylent Green context; rather in the disgusting manner that used sardine cans and old milk containers are reclaimed "as is" for consumer reuse.

Instead of letting lobbyists and polluters control our destiny, we'd invest in solar, wind and geothermal power. Not a ray of sunshine would touch the ground without being redirected onto a electricity generating panel. Nor would a cool breeze ever again evade a turbine-fueling propeller until it was thoroughly spent. We would replace every hideous oil rig with not quite as hideous but more ubiquitous geothermal extraction rigs.

Al then drew parallels between Obama and Lincoln, noting how Honest Abe came from Illinois with seemingly little political experience, and how The Great Emancipator also took over for a horseshit President whose last name started with a "B". He then segued into a meandering explanation of how Lincoln had a manservant named Obama, while Obama once rode in a Lincoln, but by this time the crowd was clearly distracted by the buffet that was being set up to sate the post-speech "munchies".

What can I say about Obama's speech on the final hour of the final day, that the scriptures and Nostradamus haven't already foretold?

And a man of color shall appear before the colorless and mostly odorless
The chosen one chooses not to grace the arena named for a popular beverage
So in it's place he appears in a great edifice graced by a white stallion
Between massive columns of styrofoam he speaks to the masses washed and otherwise
For our future and for our childrens' future we must and shall beat these other guys

The chosen one gave a concise and powerful speech. The image of him, with each of his arms chained to a column, was too much for some and yet not enough for others. At the conclusion, he appeared to gaze at the heavens and mumble to an unseen force. It was then that the columns appeared to ever so slowly nudge toward each other, eventually toppling over into the now horrified crowd. Then the moneychangers* (* these days more commonly referred to as ATM machines, which of course really have no relevant place in this vignette) were driven from the temple, but I think it was captured on one or more surveillance cameras.


This wraps up my coverage of the Democratic National Convention. I hope your expectations were sufficiently low enough for me to meet them (or at least head them off before they reached the exit). See you next report, where we'll meet again. Don't know where, don't know when. May the force be with you.


Friday, September 19, 2008

A Foamy Dedication

Hi everybody,

I still need to finish Special Report #2. But I thought I would take a brief moment to give a shout out to a special little lady who has captured my rapt attention and wrapped it in barbed wire.

So without further ado, here is one of my favorite videos, which I dedicate to Foam. Enjoy.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Democratic Convention - Special Report #1


Hi everybody,

I'm interrupting my regularly scheduled programming for a special report from the Democratic Convention, which opened last night in Denver. No time for pictures: I'm on deadline, people!

[Editor's Note: I added some photos for that lazy shit reporter. - Black Bart, Editor-In-Chief]

Unfortunately I was not able to attend, but did happen to be in an "adult" establishment that was piping in a feed from one of the cable channels. I couldn't hear the audio and was frequently distracted by females curious about my laptop, so my following impressions are based purely on lip-reading ability and an uncanny knack for intense, occasional focus.

Nancy Pelosi (D - California) opened the convention by extolling the benefits of a Reverse Mortgage, and how every American was entitled to a free gold kit. Nancy clearly demonstrated that she was still a "looker" for her age, and she will make a fine addition to my "D.I.L.F." list. Instead of being hung-over, the sparse crowd actually hung on her every word, since the first hour was a wee bit early for the alcohol "downslope", even by politico timetables.

In this way, she was not unlike the opening act in 1969 at Altamont Speedway, warming up the placid, law-abiding audience for the rock stars to follow. The attire and hairstyles of those in attendance served to reinforce the connection between past and present. Perhaps the only tangible difference was the abundance of crack pipes and the notable absence of Hells Angels.

Next up was Michelle Obama, who was introduced by her brother (who thankfully neither resembled nor behaved like Billy Carter). Mrs. Obama is a very striking woman, and she was absolutely regal in her delightfully form-fitting green dress. I could certainly get behind her message.

A video montage prior to the future First Lady's introduction illustrated her "Janet Jackson-like" metamorphosis over the years, from chubby female "Webster-clone" to "All For You" nubile hottie. My mind drifted to thoughts of Justin Timberlake gayly, patiently and mediocrely standing by her side throughout her speech in anticipation of a revealing finale. But regrettably and tastefully, it wasn't in the tarot cards.

So instead, Ms. Obama provided us with a powerful, emotional speech, recounting sacrifices* (* mostly of the non-human variety, which served as a refreshing counterpoint to the Clintons) made, values learned, and hopes for our future. She repeatedly emphasized how all people should be treated with dignity and respect even if they probably don't deserve it; including Republicans, frequenters of this blog, and Lamby in particular.

She went on to say that she learned tolerance while growing up on the south side of Chicago; where blonde, mostly-white Republicans with sweaters draped over their shoulders would drive by in Mustang convertibles blaring Beach Boys tunes. It would have been so easy to give into hate, but she chose the higher path of compassion, personal growth, belief in a greater purpose and the distant promise of Hair Metal.

Perhaps it was fitting that any revenge would be divinely exacted in the form of the Beach Boy's later efforts, such as "Kokomo", and of course in Ford's bloated Mustang designs of the 70's and 80's.

Lady Obama went on to explain Barack's background and how - contrary to what Republicans would like you to believe - he was not an elitist child of privilige.

Sure he grew up in Hawaii. But this wasn't the island paradise of today that we would readily recognize from the postcards of lucky bastards who get to go there and then rub it in. No, this was the "hard-scrabble" Hawaii of New Jersey-esque pineapple mills, hula-skirt factories, and scuba-equipped aquatic chaingangs. This was a union-thug, Papillion-tormenting, pre-Don Ho circle of hell that no self-respecting Japanese tourist would visit.

It was a swirling tan-or be tanned, riptide of tropical cruelty and certainly no place to raise or even accidently conceive a child.

And so, eventually a still-youthful Obama learned to time the waves, noting how every 7th one would sway a makeshift coconut catamaran away from this foul place and eventually carry him to that paradise known to the natives simply as "Chicago". It was there that he met Michelle during her Rhythm Nation phase, and became enthralled. Though she was initially repulsed, Barack plied her with his Urkel-like looks and charm, eventually talking his way into her "oval office".

Together, they encountered more adversity on the path to the promised land, with the idiot waiter at Chotchkie's (who would make annoying "dual-machine-guns firing simultaneously" gestures while repeating his first name, staccato-style) being just one example. But they overcame all, including incessant death threats from Hillary at all hours.

Well that's all I have time for, for now. Being in a hurry, I'm sure it's chock full of grammatical errors, although I do guarantee its accuracy. So consider this as Report #1 from your Special (Education) Correspondent, Pug "Scoop" Puerileuwaite.

And now, as "The Cisco Kid" would say, "Adios, amigos! See you real soon with Part-II !"


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Nugget from Craig' s List

Woo hoo! I'm off to pick up discount cinder blocks!

Hi everybody,

First off, I hope I caught most of you sitting down, just in case anyone has a stroke from seeing a new post within 8-days of the last one. And get this, I'm planning on trying to squeeze out a new offering EVERY week or so from here on out.

It certainly helps when I can steal the occasional bit of content from someone else. In fact, I just received the following actual Craig's List ad in an email from a good friend, and instantly it reminded me of a certain Cantankerous Confederate Clown who happens to reside in the same city as the poster. Coincidence? Or is it the same Bozo? You be the judge.

From richmond craigslist > materials

8x8x16 Cement Block - $1

I have approximately 275 to 300 cinder blocks for sale. They are standard 8"x8"x16". They cost about $1.75 plus delivery fees if you buy them somewhere else. I'm asking $1.00 per block.

You pick them up and move them yourself.

Please don't waste my f*cking time with endless emails. These are plain old cinderblocks. for f*ck sake. You don't need to do an engineering study on the feasibility of using these f*cking things as building material. That's what they're for, you f*cking idiots.

Now listen, we're all busy people here. You want the blocks? Come get the f*cking blocks and give me one dollar for every block you take. How f*cking hard is that? You don't have to tell me what you're building. I don't give a f*ck. I'm not interested in helping you build it either. Why? Because I don't give a f*ck. I just want to get these f*cking things off my property.

So if you want them, get the f*ck over here with some money and take them.

The next f*cking moron that emails me with "I'm building a blah blah blah, and was wondering if ..." The answer is NO. Come get the f*cking blocks and build it yourself. If I knew how to do masonry, don't you think I'd be using the blocks myself instead of selling them to you for half f*cking price? What the f*ck is wrong with you people?

The next one of you f*cking jackasses that emails me with some sob-story bullshit is getting his email address added to the North American Man/Boy Love Association mailing list.

You want the blocks? Come get the blocks, and don't f*ck with me!


(For those of you with excellent eyesight, this is the original ad.)

I could have a blog with an endless supply of material just from Craig's List. Bless you, Craig's List. Keep on keepin' on, despite the morons.

Friday, August 08, 2008

News by the Foot

Hi everybody,

I'm interrupting my usual steady stream of posts with a painful, festering story fresh out of the creepy Pacific Northwest. This will not only help quench your thirst for tidbits in the "Twin Peaks" motif, but should also allow Yours Truly to hone my mad topical commentary skillz in the Lamby posting style.

The practice can only help in my quest to serve as guest news commentator on MSNBC's Morning Joe, and get me "restraining order" close to Mika Brzezinski, with whom I may or may not be infatuated. Enjoy.


Human foot in shoe washes up on Washington beach
Officials examine whether find is linked to others found on Canadian coast

updated 7:55 a.m. MT, Tues., Aug. 5, 2008

PORT ANGELES, Wash. - An athletic shoe containing a human foot was found on a Washington state beach, and authorities are investigating whether it may be linked to a series of human feet found in shoes along the coast of British Columbia.

It could be just a coincidence.

Undersheriff Ron Peregrin said Monday that the King County medical examiner determined the foot was human and detached from its body naturally after floating in the water.

I mentioned to Undersheriff Peregrin how I can attest to that. My appendages come loose all the time while swimming. Sometimes things from inside are also involuntarily expelled. I asked if he could use his clout to convince the people at the Water Park to give me another chance. I then inquired why he was Undersheriff, since he was apparently "almost" named after the majestic, soaring falcon; to which he replied that Sheriff Paul Eagle was in charge.

Peregrin said the foot will be sent for a forensic investigation, including DNA testing to see if it matches feet found washed ashore in British Columbia. Results are expected to take six to eight weeks.

In a closely related development, I'm currently working with both David Lynch and the Disney people on an updated version of "Snow White". In this installment, she plays a Forensic Detective who finds love while matching up feet. In the final, dramatic scene, the man she loves (who is also a Forensic Detective, but doesn't know that she is too) bursts through the door holding the other, matching foot (to the chagrin of her evil step-sisters, who both possess obviously unrelated feet in crappy Walmart bargain-bin shoes) in the same high-end Nike.

Authorities said a woman told the Clallam County sheriff's office on Saturday that she found the black, high-top shoe along the beach on the Strait of Juan de Fuca, about 30 miles west of Port Angeles.

The woman stated that as she was getting ready to depart the beach, she arose from a prone position to put her Crocs on. It was then that she noticed the foot and black high-top right next to her own footwear.

Five athletic shoes containing human feet have been found along the Strait of Georgia between Vancouver Island and the British Columbia mainland since August 2007. The Strait of Juan de Fuca separates the Canadian island and Washington's Olympic Peninsula.

According to detectives, this appears to indicate that anywhere from 2.5 to 5 people may have been affected. A further analysis of the sizes and specific models of shoes should help determine the actual number of people involved.

A sixth foot found in June in British Columbia was determined to be an animal paw that had been shoved inside a shoe as a hoax. "We're a little apprehensive since the last one was a hoax," said Detective Sgt. Lyman Moores.

I mentioned to Detective Moores that the word "hoax" had already been used in the previous sentence. Appearing to be irate, he curtly responded that I frequently reuse the same tired words and phrases in my posts. To which I replied that my blog is not part of the investigation, but thank you for being a regular reader. Then I asked if this could be deemed a "cruel" hoax, and if anyone was "apprehensive" prior to the discovery of the animal paw. At that point he requested that I move on to my next interview.

DNA testing linked one of the Canadian feet to a depressed man who went missing a year ago. Investigators have also concluded that two of the five feet belonged to one man and that one foot was from a woman.

Amazed at this new development, I approached Detective Moores once again, inquiring if indeed it was true that DNA testing can now determine nationality and a person's state of mind. I also ran my own theory by him that the man and woman could have been engaged in an "old movie" kissing embrace when the feet were severed. The woman's other foot would have been up in the air, explaining the absence of her second foot. At this point I was handcuffed and led to a patrol car.

British Columbia coroner Jeff Dolan has said there was no evidence the feet were severed. Experts say that when a human body is submerged in the ocean, the arms, legs, hands, feet and head usually come off the body.

I mentioned to Coroner Dolan that this is probably why mobsters prefer to use oil drums when disposing of bodies (so that everything stays close together). He suggested that I run this by Detective Moores.


Monday, July 28, 2008

How to be Happy

Hi everybody,

Lately I can't help but wonder if its been "too much about me", regarding the subject nature of recent posts. Sure, it IS my blog and - as the immortal Bobby Brown so eloquently put it - "my prerogative" to post as I please. And we are all guilty to some extent of seeking gratification in its various forms wherever we can, whether it's through our blogging or by cruising the seedy areas of town (and then blogging about it).

But sometimes I feel the need to "give back" to the community, and I don't always have the luxury of drinking until that uncomfortable feeling goes away. Now don't take me literally. I certainly don't mean "giving back" in the form of returning all of the crap I've stolen oven the years. Thanks to the reach of eBay, those items could be anywhere by now.

However I CAN adopt a minimalist approach to this affliction by - at least - posting just once in a way that reaches out to others without the usual inappropriate groping.

So here goes.

I noticed that - while "needy" in some way or another* (* which I am NOT disparaging, since if you folks WERE well-adjusted ... there goes my audience) - the majority of you appear to be fairly happy. Sure there are a few who wish their life could be better, or existent, but - to give the benefit of the doubt - that seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

But for each of us, there is a time when perhaps we should take inventory (as my neighbors have learned to do with their possessions), in the form of calm, lucid moments of self-reflection (clothed or otherwise). Are we truly as happy as we can be? Do we set ourselves up for happiness through our thought processes and actions? If not, how can we improve in this area?

Well, here are some tips for doing just that.

1) Take a Pass on Perfection

Trust me. I know you people enough by now to confidently state that in all of your cases this is a futile effort. So let's lower the bar a tad, and simply have you strive to annoy others as little as possible. That may boost their happiness, which should make you happier. Remember that we are all part of the fabric of society. Don't be the itchy part of the fabric.

2) Find Your Balance

I know this may be a foreign concept, so stay with me on this one. While walking upright does indeed require some degree of balance, "finding your center" is really what I'm talking about. It's being comfortable within your own skin, unlike the creepy Buffalo Bill character from that Jodie Foster movie* (* the name of which escapes me, it may have been "Nell", but I'm sure someone will remember the title in the comments). Perhaps for some of you, it's realizing that holding this Pug captive in your cellar as a sex slave is merely a temporary solution at best.

Wait ...

With the possible exception of one or two of you, I just realized that I don't nearly have enough time or space to properly explain how to find your balance. So let's find your center. As homework, I want each of you to look through your local phone book for any type of center that will keep you off of the streets. Could be AA, the YMCA/YWCA, Gambler's Anonymous, Army Recruiter, or even the local Recreation Center. Anything to keep you busy and your mind occupied.

3) Don't Try to Buy Happiness

Especially late at night by the airport. They just might mistake you for the next Green River Killer. Trust me on this one. 'Nuff said.

4) Switch Gears

My personal preference is "Park". That's when the booze in the glove box, blanket in the trunk, and Air Supply CD in the stereo come to party. For the rest of you, at least try to get out of first gear.

5) Lose Yourself in the Moment

The key is to focus on the moment in the same manner that you do on your cell phone conversation. Pedestrians and fellow motorists, and their self-centered attempts to live and distract are completely blocked out, aren't they? Use this same technique to visualize the moment (whatever the hell that is) as the only thing that matters and therefore exists.

6) Develop an Attitude of Gratitude

You can start by thanking me for this advice. And then, assuming the acid reflux hasn't gripped completely, you may want to thank me for my friendship. Then gradually work to the point to where you can even appreciate stop-and-go traffic.

7) Share the Love

By this, I don't mean that you should participate in orgies. So get your minds out of the gutter. This means you, Lamby. No, I mean that we should be more loving of each other (at least initially) without our own self-gratification in mind. When is the last time you went up to a total stranger and hugged them for no reason? Probably the last time you were arrested. Well, haven't you waited long enough to try it again? Do what I do: ease into it by starting with attractive members of the opposite sex. Initially stay north of the equator. If the reaction is not positive, pretend that you thought she/he was someone you knew from church.

8) Help Yourself by Helping Others

How often have we seen one of our neighbors moving in or out? Have we even once stopped to offer our assistance? Why not? Well, stop asking questions and get involved! You just may make a new friend, or perhaps acquire a new stereo that you didn't have to budget for. This is known in my circle as "paying it forward".

9) Choose to Choose Less

Think you own your possessions? Quite the opposite, my friend. Your possessions own YOU. They keep you from being nimble in your life choices and your decision-making. Be like me, and learn to envy those who can make a home from a poorly guarded foreclosure, with nothing but a knapsack and some basic tools to rip out the copper plumbing.

10) Introduce Your Body to Your Mind

I try to do this at least twice a day. But this is a personal journey that I'd rather not share on a blog that does not require a paid subscription.

11) Be More Forgiving

You can start by forgiving me for this and the other posts of mine that you've been subjected to over the past few years. Later on we can continue to test your resolve in this area by having you lend me money.

12) Pick Out the Positives

Everyday, I see many of my fellow motorists "picking out the positives" from themselves when they think no one is looking. That isn't one-way glass, pal. But that isn't what I want to talk about here. I'm thinking more in terms of reflecting on aspects of yourself and your world that you can feel good about. You haven't killed anyone, right? Well that can be considered a positive, depending on where you live. See? It's that easy.

Anyway, I hope this "advice" has been helpful; and that in some small way it has you convinced that you are entitled to happiness, despite anything your fellow bloggers may say to the contrary. Live well, my friends, and go in peace. Or better yet, just go.