Sunday, May 27, 2007

Getting Your Dating Mojo On - Part I

Hi everybody,

I realized I've been neglecting those of you out there in Blogland who look to The Pug for guidance as you attempt to navigate the treacherous racetrack of romance. So allow me to inject some much-needed STD, oops - STP, into your crankcases, as you prepare for the goal of trading in your checkered pasts for checkered flags.

Ladies, this one's for you. By reading and learning what The Pug's "hot buttons" are, you should be able to apply this lesson in the event that you find a "real man" equivalent. So here goes.


The 5-Things The Pug Loves to Hear on a Date

“Then what happened?”

Even though (quite pathetically) it is not, a male likes to think that his life is reasonably interesting. And while interrupting him, changing the subject, or acting bored are well-known tactics for my female readers, it’s not enough to just sit there, smile, and say, “Uh-huh” every few seconds* (* after all, this is not intercourse). Actively egg him (on) with comments like, “Wow, I never knew golf could be so very, very damned fascinating.” or “Go on ... though there's the door (and freedom from your little vignette), strangely, I appear to be glued to my seat.” That way, he’ll know you’re genuinely interested versus just wanting to sign him up for DirecTV in order to get the $50 for "turning a friend on to DirecTV".

“That’s pretty impressive.”

Maybe he almost placed in the "Darts Tourney" at the local watering hole. Or got a fleeting "Great suggestion, but we only need ONE row of Twix bars in the vending machine" kudo at work. Or figured out how to use Yoga for self-pleasure. Whatever he’s done, if he’s mentioning it on a date, he’s most likely proud of it—and if you feed his ego by listing the 5-reasons why you'll never view the world the same ever again, he may overlook the fact that you'll never say the aforementioned 3-words when he's naked.

“Thank you.”

No doubt about it, manners matter—and are sorely lacking in today’s less formal dating scene. Tap into your inner Emily Post, and maybe he will want to tap into you using his. So, thank him when he tells you that you look pretty tonight, instead of responding with, "What? Just tonight? You bastard!". And so what if he had a 2-for-1 coupon? Thank him for dinner anyway. Also thank him for the "Fireman's Carry" to your car, even if you WERE marginally sober enough to make it on your own gams. It’s so small a gesture, but what you may receive in return could be equally touching (and small).

“What do you do when you’re not at work?”

This will indicate that you are ready for a serious relationship, as this is a question that wives and other co-dependents frequently ask. And if there's 2-things a male on a date is interested in, it's commitment and a voracious interest in every single minute of his day.

“I’d like to get your opinion on something.”

We "Mr. Fix-Its" LOVE when a woman voluntarily comes to us for advice. So DO ask a challenging question. One that forces us to employ our stupendous intellects. Here's an example: "I only sleep with men when I don't care about them. But I care for you so much. However if I slept with you tonight, I wouldn't want to ever see you again. What should I do?".


Pug on Date Night (Courtesy of Scary Monster)


Stay tuned next time for Part II.


Monday, May 21, 2007

Favorite Joke 001

Hi everybody,

I know. It's been awhile. I still have a couple of major projects that I'm working on. So I haven't had enough time to post any more of the Pug's adventures. Not yet, anyway.

But I do appreciate your loyalty in checking back frequently, and even your pestering for a new post I find endearing. So allow me to share one of my favorite jokes (slightly modified), from Drew Carey (one of the funniest comics ever, after CrashTest of course) and his book, "Dirty Jokes and Beer - Stories of the Unrefined".


There's a Pug who lives in The Great Southwest. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all of his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."

He goes to the roulette table.

The voice says, "Put all of your money on Red 23."

He puts all of his money on Red 23.

The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up Black 17.

The voice says, "Fuck."


Tuesday, May 08, 2007

An Unvarnished Account of an Unfinished Life - Part I

The Beginning

It had been rumored that Heaven was almost depleted of souls, and a most fearful prophesy was - as a result - on the verge of realization. For it had been said that the first souless birth of the new Millenium would trigger a chain of events so cataclismic, that the end of mankind would result. It would require nothing short of a miracle to save humanity from the great abyss. It would take a small, unassuming little Pug to emerge from oblivion in order to provide this miracle. His birth in a trailer during a pilgrimage to a Grateful Dead concert would herald the dawn of a glorious new age, and replenish the supply of souls, if only for the middle-to-low income bracket.

The Early Years

The Pug grew up in a small town where - despite his mischievous nature - he was much beloved. So much so, that even the most bitter, drunken motorists would be compelled to swerve in order to avoid hurting him. And so it was, that his brief disappearance during the blizzard of '03 served to coelesce the community of Hatsfields and McCoys into a Pug Posse that searched tirelessly for his frozen carcass. And even though the posse subsequently disbanded into violently opposed factions after his live discovery, for that brief moment in time the Pug indeed was a "Uniter".

Despite his youth, the Pug was a mature and natural leader, never hesistating to stand up for truth and justice. A rabid enemy of Temple Money-Changers, he was also a compassionate "annointer" of community cornerstones. He was renowned for his work with lepers, and legendary for his missionary work with women in leopard prints.

to be continued ...


Thursday, May 03, 2007


Hi everybody,

As inspired by Gautami's latest post, I would like to submit a poorly crafted and - therefore - humble poem.



Why must people stand around?
Heads up their asses,
knuckles on the ground.

Why must SUVs blaze away?
Yet in front of me,
they take all day.

Why is Happy Hour so adored?
Yet work itself is such a bore,
even that receptionist flirt - the filthy whore.

Why won't winter take the hint?
Triggering thoughts I cannot print,
that I lust for gals with healthy tint.

Why so challenging to post?
When it's my blog buds,
I enjoy the most.

Why just one word?
For all these situations,
mental masturbation.