Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Musical WTF?!

Hello fellow "Musicphiles",

(Hopefully this is the only noun ending in "phile" that geniunely applies when describing your interests. Because I have no tolerance for stamp collectors.)

Anyhoo, the time has come for yet another tedious and juvenile installment of "Musical What The F*ck?!"

WTF?! 001 > "Badge" by Cream

Thinkin' bout the times you drove in my car
(Well, RODE, technically)

Thinkin' that I might have drove you too far
(Guilt? Obviously he is NOT a playa)

And I'm thinkin' bout the love that you laid on my table
(So far, so good. It has a pleasant, laid back tempo, and it alludes to car sex and possibly on a table as well, which hopefully means the kinky fun kind and not getting screwed in a Poker game. On the other hand, what if this happened at Thanksgiving, where the bimbo was from the local strip joint, and there she was, drunkenly spread-eagled naked on the table amidst the turkey [insert stuffing joke here] and "fixins'" just as the family converged on the dining room? Oops. That was MY Thanksgiving. Nevermind. Moving on ...)

I told you not to wander round in the dark
(She has to be TOLD this little nugget of wisDUMB? Wait. Un momento por favor! Perhaps this makes her the IDEAL one-nighter)

I told you bout the swans, that they live in the park
(No shit, Sherlock. Where the hell did you think they lived? In that goofy* (* no pun intended) "Swan Hotel" at Walt Disney World? Why the hell do you think they call that tune "Swan Lake"? Because the swans just happened to go on a picnic that day? Dumbass)

Then I told you 'bout our kid, now he's married to Mabel.
(Mabel?! C'mon everybody, join in with me and shout at the top of your lungs: WHAT THE F*CK?! How did he ever tear "Mabel" away from her job at the Hooterville Telephone Company switchboard? And what's with this "now" crap? How many times has he been married, and why does his mother* (*presumably) have to be "brought up to speed"? Damn, and I thought my family was disfunctional ...)

Okay, there ARE more lyrics to this song, but quite frankly, after that stupid-ass "Mabel" line, I generally lose interest. Sorry.

WTF?! 002 > "Don't Sleep in the Subway" by Petula Clark

Actually this observation isn't mine. It belongs to a very funny female comic (whose name unfortunately escapes me) from a few years ago, who came up with it. Her perfectly timed remark was: "What kind of guy is this woman going out with?

You wander around on your own little cloud
(Sounds like an addict. If not, he doesn't sound like the aggressive provider that women seek to ensnare and emasculate)

When you don't see the why or the wherefore
You walk out on me when we both disagree
(Okay, so maybe he is an okay dude ...)

'Cause to reason is not what you care for
(So far, so good ...)

I've heard it all a million times before
Take off your coat, my love, and close the door
(Can I close the door and THEN take off my coat? The other way just seems so awkward. After all, here I am at the damned door, so WHY THE F*CK do I have to do all of that other shit first? [We guys think like that when all we really want is to have a quick drink, bite to eat, get laid, and rest up for tomorrow's "hunting and gathering"])

Don't sleep in the subway, darlin'
Don't stand in the pouring rain
Don't sleep in the subway, darlin'

Once again everyone, join in with me and shout at the top of your lungs: WHAT THE F*CK?! Don't sleep in the friggin' subway?! Don't stand in the pouring rain? WTF? Is this guy Canadian for Chrissakes? Dayum!)

The night is long
Forget your foolish pride
Nothing's wrong
Now you're beside me again
(Ho hum. This section could be from any Toni Braxton or Sade song, in which case, if you're actually listening to the lyrics instead of copulating, then you DESERVE to sleep all wet in the subway. Dumbass)

You try to be smart, then you take it to heart
'Cause it hurts when your ego is deflated
You don't realize that it's all compromise
And the problems are so overrated
(Sounds here like the "lucky gal" is attempting to cheer the loser up for "underperformance" issues, when instead she should be immersed in a world that rocks. But on the other hand we must remember that this "tune" was written in the days before Viagra or attractive women)

WTF?! 003 > "Lovely Rita" by The Beatles

Screw the lyrics. When have you ever seen an attractive Meter Maid? 'Nuff said.


Saturday, January 13, 2007

You Say You Want a Resolution

Well, I know
You all want to change the Pug

You tell me that it's evolution

Well, I know
You all want to change the Pug

But when you talk about castration
Don't you know that you can count me out

Don't you know it's gonna be - all right
all right, all right

You say you want a real solution
Well, you know
I think I came up with a plan

You ask me for a new post to elaborate
Well, you know
The Pug is doing what he can

But when you want new material
for people with minds that vegetate
All I can say is people you have to wait

Don't you know it's gonna be - all right
all right, all right


Happy New Year!

Who among us isn't sick of saying and writing that crap? But will it truly be a happy year? Or are we doomed to repeating the past?

Will 2007 be THE year? Will I have to say goodbye to all of you?

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". So goes the classic quote; variants of which have been attributed to a multitude of different sources (Einstein, Kipling, an ancient Chinese proverb, Al Gore and others).

So in the spirit of the new year, I want to make a bold move, and only behave in a manner that will set me on the right path. I've already purchased a Mercury Milan and paid for a random stranger's dry cleaning. I also joined a health club and vow to workout at least 5-times per week, every week, in 2007. N'yuk, n'yuk, nyuk. Those suckas at Gold's Gym are going to lose money on me. Big time. Just like those idiots running the "all you can eat" buffets used to.

But one problem is that I'm not all that creative when it comes to identifying areas for my own self-improvement. So as a starting template, I 've selected the 7-Deadly Sins.

But first, a definition:

The seven deadly sins, also known as the capital vices or cardinal sins, are a classification of vices used in early Christian teachings to educate and protect followers from (immoral) fallen man's tendency to sin. The Roman Catholic Church divides sin into two types: venial (forgiven through any sacrament) and capital or mortal (meaning they kill the life of grace and risk eternal damnation unless absolved in the sacrament of confession, or taken away by a perfect contrition, or discretely swept under the rug by church officials).

So here goes.


1) Lust

Resolution: I will no longer objectify women, nor will I treat them as "outlets" for my temporary amusement.

Also, I will not ogle packages of nylons, women's underwear ads in the Sunday paper pullouts (nor will I "pull out" anything of my own), or double-fold the Land O' Lakes Butter package so that the Indian maiden's knees become her boobs.


2) Gluttony

Resolution: I will learn when to say when, in the area of food consumption. I will skip the after-dinner mint. If I do binge, then I will purge. In fact, I resolve to purge more than I binge, especially as a guest in one of your homes.


3) Greed

Resolution: I will no longer be preoccupied with money. Instead, I will shift my focus into more "real", long-lasting and tangible pursuits, such as women, cars and bling.


4) Sloth

Resolution: I will take a renewed sense of pride in my appearance, and attempt to be high-brow in all that I do. Except for my blogging, of course.


5) Wrath

Resolution: I will no longer "lose my cool" with the people that I encounter during my daily travels through life. Instead, I shall do my best to treasure each and every one of them as the fascinating and valued contributors to societal fabric that they theoretically may someday become.


6) Envy

Resolution: I will be satisfied with my lot in life. Sure, maybe other people are a little better off. Perhaps they have indoor plumbing, real mates instead of costly time-shares, and loyal readers who don't have to visit the library's computers to visit their blogs. But I too can count my blessings as I stumble across any.


7) Pride

Even though my locks are 50% more flowing than Fabio's, and my testicles are both descended and (presumably) larger than his, I will not take an inordinate amount of pride in this knowledge. Instead I will stay "real" by roaming the land, serving as a surrogate husband to hot, misguided single mothers.


Thank you for your patience as I've taken the time to perform a protracted self-assessement in the development of these resolutions. I know that I can count on your encouragement and support as I struggle to comply with these inhuman demands.