Sunday, July 29, 2007

Birds: A Give AND Take Proposition

Hi everybody,

Okay, so I've been slackin' much more than even by my own pathetic standards. But I know I haven't been (and won't be) getting any sympathy from you people. I get the message. In fact, I have a fittingly pathetic anecdote that reinforces it. Here goes.

A few years back, I was looking to sell a couple of exotic birds that proved unamusing within 2-days of original acquisition. Turns out exotic birds are like fruitcakes (which probably explains why it's ONLY fruitcakes who can enjoy their company for longer than the aformentioned 2-days). There's the original purchase, and then the inevitable never-ending quest for the next owner/victim, usually in the form of a "gift".

Anyhow, I posted an ad in the paper, with an "attractive" price for quick sale. Attractive being - of course - a misnomer, since anyone with common sense wouldn't be interested even if the price was FREE, and the bottom of the cage was littered with five dollar bills.

It was during this period of irrational belief in the value of exotic birds, and irrational optimism in the sanity of "bird buffs", that I foolishly and anxiously waited for my phone to ring with excited offers.

Okay. Let me cut to the chase. After all, this is only supposed to be an anecdote. I received a total of two calls. One was from a guy apparently just coming down from a Rubbing Alcohol binge (probably "sans-pants" and wondering if I'd throw in a roll of duct tape); and the next and final ringy-dingy was from a lady who - at first - sounded reasonably normal.

But then she made me realize that perhaps the "Birdman of Alcatraz" had a daughter who somehow up to this point managed to "fly the coop" and elude authorities. Again, since this is only an anecdote, I'll spare you the sordid details of our "convo", other then it wrapped up with the following exchange.

Lady Bird: "Why are you getting rid of them?"

World Weary Pug: "Because I don't have the time for them."

Lady Bird: "You have to MAKE the time."

World Weary Pug: "Huh?"

And so, the same irritating message that made me want to give that nutjob a "bird of a different feather", somehow reaches across the years to the present. And though no less irritating, it does unfortunately ring true in the case of my posting. Indeed, I have to MAKE the time. Because after all, who knows? Lady Bird may be one of you people.

Stay tuned next time for my "Interview with the (Cruel) Virgin", as part of my "Salute to Virgins and the Fleeting Nature of Their Existence" series!


Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A Special Post for Virginity

U.K. schoolgirl loses ‘virginity ring’ court battle
Lydia Playfoot says ring should be exempt from school ban on jewelry

LONDON - A teenager whose teachers had stopped her from wearing a “purity ring” at school to symbolize her commitment to virginity has lost a High Court fight against the ban. Lydia Playfoot, 16, says her silver ring is an expression of her faith and had argued in court that it should be exempt from school regulations banning the wearing of jewelry.

“I am very disappointed by the decision this morning by the High Court not to allow me to wear my purity ring to school as an expression of my Christian faith not to have sex outside marriage,” Playfoot said in a statement Monday. “I believe that the judge’s decision will mean that slowly, over time, people such as school governors, employers, political organizations and others will be allowed to stop Christians from publicly expressing and practicing their faith.”

Playfoot’s legal challenge was the latest in a series of disputes in British schools in recent years over the right of pupils to wear religious symbols or clothing, such as crucifixes and veils. Last year, the Law Lords rejected Shabina Begum’s appeal for permission to wear a Muslim gown at her school in Luton. That case echoed a debate in France over the banning of Muslim headscarves in state schools.

Playfoot’s parents are key members of the British arm of the American chastity campaign group the Silver Ring Thing, a religious group which urges abstinence among young people.

Those who sign up wear a ring on the third finger of the left hand. It is inscribed with “Thess. 4:3-4,” a reference to a Biblical passage from Thessalonians which reads: “God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin.” During the case, Playfoot’s lawyers argued that the ban by her school in Horsham, West Sussex, breached her human rights to “freedom of thought, conscience and religion” which are protected by the European Convention on Human Rights.

Lawyers for the school denied discrimination and said the purity ring breached its rules on wearing jewelry. They said allowances were made for Muslim and Sikh pupils only for items integral to their religious beliefs and that, for the same reason, crucifixes were also allowed. But it argued that the purity ring was not an integral part of the Christian faith.

Playfoot said in her statement she would consult her legal team to consider whether to appeal.


The Pug Responds

I would like to start off by thanking Puerileuwaite, my "brother from another mother", for allowing me the use of his blog in order to express my outrage. This time, my target is the aforementioned Reuters story from today's MSN. Now open your hymenals to page 69.

To begin, what kind of name is "Lydia Playfoot"? You're putting me on, right? Or, since you're from England, rather should I say, "What's all this, then?". Thanks but no thanks to that name. Not when "Linda Lovelace" is already a firmly entrenched part of the Pug's daily lexicon. And what is the origin of "Playfoot", anyway? I can't avoid the image of that erotic Jennifer-Beals'-footsie-teasing-the-man's-groin-under-the-table-scene from "Flashdance" as I read your surname, Lydia.

And let me be among the first (of many to follow; of that I am quite sure) to conversely impart my disappointment in your desire to wear a ring as a symbol of your aversion to sex. This is an affront to the multitudes who haved EARNED that right through the sanctimonious binds of marriage.

Hold on un momento: did you actually disparage the fine human beings who serve as school governors, employers and in political organizations? Just because lions were once turned on the Christians for savage amusement, it doesn't mean these folks' lion-sized appetites for illicit sex will result in a renewed open season on Christians. In fact, many of these same upstanding and perfectly erect citizens may be church members, elders, priests and pastors that you embrace. You never know.

Now I don't want you to think that the Pug is a hardass. Even though I don't hold your beliefs, I will defend to the death your right to argue them with me over a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 in a secluded conversation spot. Of course I debate much better when my body's vital pathways are not constricted by items of clothing most likely produced by non-Christian heathens in hedonist countries. There. That's better.

Anyway, as I was saying, I would allow any kook to wear or do any damned thing they want. Take Shabina, for example. I'd go as far to say that I'd personally enjoy nuzzlin' that Muslim. And why? I like her name. Shabina. Why, she could be the object of desire in a vintage 50's doo-wop song. "Sha-bina! That scarf makes you too mean-a. Come and be my Queen-a. Let me introduce you to my w ... ". Anyhoo, you get the point.

Oh, and the following line from the article is priceless: "PlayFOOT’s parents are key MEMBERs of the British ARM of the American chasTITy campaign group the Silver Ring THING". Did you spot ALL of the various embedded body parts? (Tip for undiagnosed dyslexics: LIVER is not one of them. Go get help.)

Anyway, I think I made my point. Allow me to leave you with this (potentially legs) parting final thought: if - heaven forbid - you die while still a virgin, AND Al Qaeda turns out to be right, you will be aiding and a-bedding a terrorist, ringo.


(Disclaimer: this blog and it's owner do not necessarily agree with, or endorse, the Pug's rebuttal. But we will fight to the death his right to sway the occasional virgin. However, if any readers do agree with the Pug and want to show your support, purchase, wear and frequently use one of those novelty ring whistles on the middle finger of either hand.)


Monday, July 09, 2007

Eight Weird Things

Hi everybody,

Though I've managed to avoid my share, this time I've been "tag-teamed" by no less than 3-bloggers (Gautami, Little Lamb, and Cathy) to do the same damned meme. And since it IS the easiest of my current post ideas to implement, here goes. I hope this brings the happiness at my expense that you so richly deserve.


Eight Weird Things About The Pug

1) I have an unhealthy obsession with the eSurance Gal.

Sure, I KNOW she's a friggin' cartoon, for Chrissakes. But she's a redhead, and not only a redhead, but a PINKish redhead (wink). And those green eyes are the clincher, because for me it's like a sexual Christmas with one big present under the tree. Actually in this warped holiday, her present IS my "tree". Have any of you paid serious attention to the way she darts her eyes as a form of exclamation, as she delivers each witty insurance-themed innuendo-strewn punchline? I can only imagine the joy in generating similar eye movement through pervertedly dissimilar activities.

I could see it now. She would say in her sexy voice, "That was SO good, Pug, SO dangerous, and perhaps even illegal in a couple of states. You are way better than Michael Hutchence of INXS at this, dead OR alive. Maybe eSurance should have a policy to cover ME when I'm with you".

Not only that, she seems like a constant go-getter. So I know I could enjoy an extended "post-claim-submittal" nap, secure in the knowledge that she would efficiently and athletically deal with any non-eSurance threats as they may arise.


2) I have the almost uncontrollable urge to punch out any "guy" wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

This is why I am forced to avoid childrens' Pizzaria establishments. That, and the unrelated restraining order.


3) In lumberyards, hardware and auto parts stores, I'm the one who always seems to get to the ONLY roving employee just seconds before you do.

Then I proceed to keep you waiting and ignored for the next 30-minutes or so, as I ask him to go into exhaustive detail about the fictional item that I am seeking. For instance, I don't just want to know in what bin I can find an outdoor faucet assembly. That would be too brisk and polite. No, I've done my homework, and have imagined a faucet that has yet to exist. I want to know the evolution of the faucet, debate the merits of existing product offerings, and riff about fixtures from other worlds.

Being the Bobby Kennedy of Hardware, I see employee and fellow shopper time-wasters as they never were, and ask "Why not?".

And while I'm at it, I want to enlist his immediate participation in the plumbing design for my dream home. Next, I will ask him where's he's from, in the hope that I am from the same area, and can tack on another 10-minutes discussing shared local experiences. Perhaps this is not so weird after all, and perhaps you have encountered a similar slightly-eccentric consumer in one of your own neighborhood mercantiles.


4) Jeez, I'm only up to four? Okay, here's another one. I get bored easily.


5) Surprisingly enough, I actually believe there is WAY too much sexuality and crude language on television.

This is weird coming from me, I know. But it's true, with one glaring exception: I think Women's Figure Skating should be performed nude, except for the skimpy dress bottom. I know this may seem hypocritical, but I've always been fascinated by female body parts in cold environments. Wait, that reads back to me as "creepy". Of course, I mean "still alive" body parts still attached, and performing due to free-will, and not as a result of coertion on the Pug's part.


6) I find myself frequently wondering how penguins wound up in Antarctica in the first place.

My theory is that they are the souls of people who screwed up royally in their previous lives. In fact, one of my proposed religions is based on this premise. I just need a few Hollywood celebrities to provide backing. I even have a documentary in the works that matches specific penguins to their past personas. One is gay, introspective and resembles Jeffrey Dahmer; another is sadistically charming a la Ted Bundy. He even walks more exaggerated, as if he has a bum leg. I have footage of him pushing other penguins into the water and holding them under. And fess up: "Ed Gein the Penguin" has a nice ring to it.


7) I also am intrigued with the lady who plays "Mrs. Bob" in those Viagra commercials, and need to know if a perpetual "pocket rocket" available 24/7 would make her - or any woman - that happy in real life.

Let's face it, SO WHAT if she does look a lot like the mom from "That 70's Show"? Let us here and now admit what many employers already know: enthusiasm is usually the most desirable trait in a "temp".


8) For the life of me, I cannot figure out why Poker is on ESPN.

Sure, I like playing cards, smoking cigars, telling jokes and getting shit-faced. In that precise ascending order. But Poker is no more a sport than masturbation, and is often less gratifying, as - so I've been told - my "Poker face" pales in comparison to the other face when I have a good hand.

Hell, I'll even tolerate NASCAR as a "sport", due to the skills and extreme endurance required in maintaining it's circular motion. Even televised bowling arguably has it's merits. But Poker? And not even Strip Poker with the eSurance Gal, but a table of losers with no other means of "contributing to society"? It needs a Royal Flush from the airwaves.


Well that's it for this installment of "Eight Weird Things". I can only hope it was offensive and disappointing enough to discourage any future tags in this direction. Ciao for now, mon amis!