Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Lamb Tips: Don't Try Them at Home

Hi everybody,

I am currently working on and off on a new adventure. However, I was just over at my (very) dear Lamby's place catching up on her posts; and I was inspired to leave the following feedback to a recent one where she provided insightful helpful tips incorporating common household items. I thought I would share my own results after playing "Guinea Pug". Enjoy.


Everyone knows Clorox's catchy ditty about keeping clothes bright, but all you need is pepper. Add a teaspoon of pepper to the wash before you add in your clothes and it will keep the colors from fading.

The only problem is that I now sneeze constantly.


Deodorant stains can ruin a perfectly good shirt. Save your whites by spraying white vinegar (no need to mix with water) onto the underarm areas. Then you can wash per usual.

I don't like to waste anything, so I poured the vinegar THROUGH the pit areas onto the big salad I had prepared for my guests. They didn't seem to enjoy the salad as much as usual. But I DID get positive comments on the shirt.


For a natural solution to diaper rash, try coating the area with a thin layer of shortening. It will act as a moisturizer.

I tried this with my nephew, but his butt was a tough squeeze into the Crisco can. I barely got him out before having to use the Crisco to cook for some Blogger guests. There HAS GOT to be an easier way.


Too much to drink last night and now you have puffy eyes? Apply a thin slice of cold potato to your eyes and leave on for five minutes. Then splash with cool water, put on your makeup (or just some moisturizer -- this means you, too, guys!) and head to work!

Oops. So THAT explains the "shrinkage" when I placed a potato in my Speedo to impress the gals at the beach.


Don't you hate it when you have to start a fire and little bits of newspaper are flying everywhere? Next time, air-dry orange peels, which contain flammable oils that burn longer, and use those instead of the paper. The delicious smell is a bonus.

The only complication when I tried this, is that my house caught on fire. Unfortunately a nearby orange grove went ablaze at the same time, so the firemen couldn't follow the scent to my home.


Does it seem like nothing is working for your bad skin? Use 4 tablespoons of salt and 3 tablespoons of olive oil to create a paste. Leave it on your face for 2 minutes and rinse with warm water. Then wash your face as normal. Use every day for a week and then cut back to 3 days a week and you should notice an improvement.

All this did was make my pizza face more "authentic". Thanks a lot.


It may make you smell like a hot dog, but rubbing a thin layer of mustard over your chest and covering with a hot towel can relieve a stuffy head and chest.

They kicked me out of the ballpark when I tried this. Maybe I should've discretely used mustard PACKETS, instead of the huge pump-bottle at the hot dog stand.


Oh no! You forgot to put the cap on your pen and now there is ink seeping into your shirt. No worries -- just grab some milk and soak the area. Depending on the type of ink, this process can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 24 hours. Patience is a virtue.

This was a fun one, actually. The key is to find a lactating woman who is approximately the same shirt size, and have her wear the shirt bra-less for a day or so.


Dandruff can be an embarrassing health problem, but the special shampoo often smells yucky. Try massaging 2 tablespoons of lemon juice into your scalp and rinsing with warm water. Follow with a leave-in rinse of 1 teaspoon lemonjuice in 1 cup of warm water. Use this daily until your scalp is healed.

No thanks. Isn't it bad enough that I look like the dude on the "Lemonheads" box? I have to SMELL like him too?


You have an ant problem but are worried about the poisonous ant traps around your pets. Just sprinkle flour wherever you see ants entering the house and along the pantry shelves, since they are most likely after your food.

This is another bad idea. Don't you remember what happened to the bad guys in "Billy Jack" who poured flour onto the Native Americans in the Ice Cream Shoppe? They got their butts kicked by Billy Jack! What if there is a "Billy Jack" ant? No thanks.


No time to hit the salon before your big event? Get your hair super shiny and conditioned with eggs! Take two beaten egg yolks and massage into hair. Start at the scalp and work in small sections. Then gather all of the hair in a shower cap, wrap in a warm towel and wait 30 minutes (you could cook the kids' dinner). Rinse with cool water and shampoo as usual.

I heard a rumor that this is how Benedict Arnold became forever associated with eggs.


While most of us associate castor oil with constipation or childbirth, did you know it can also help get rid of pesky moles in your yard? Just mix a 1/2 cup of castor oil with two gallons of water and pour the mixture down the mole(s) hole(s). Don't worry, the solution is animal friendly and they will likely relocate.

Great. Now they're under my house, they're pissed, and I'm out of Castor Oil. What now?


A jewelry box can help you organize, but sometimes those thin-chained necklaces just want to get tangled and you can't stop them! Rub some butter into the knot and lay on a flat surface. Then take a sewing needle to untangle. When finished just run under hot water to rinse off the butter.

I also use these same techniques to untangle human knots. In fact, I wouldn't even attempt to use the Kama Sutra without a stick of butter close by.


Before you throw your banana peel in the compost pile, remove any stringy pulp and use the peel as a buffer. This works with silverware as well as leather shoes and leather furniture. Just rub the peel over the object and buff with a soft cloth. Be sure to test a small section of your furniture first!

I tried banana peels on my shoes, and the last time I went to the zoo, every monkey in the place tried to hump them.

Thank you for trying, Lamby. That is one reason among many why I think you are wonderful! And yes, I mean it.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Lady, when you're with me, I'm smiling
Give me all your love

Your hands build me up when I'm sinking
Touch me, and my troubles abate

Lady, from the moment I saw you
Standing all alone

You gave all the love that I needed
So shy, like a child who has grown

You're my lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes

Sparkling, clear, and lovely
You're my lady

Lady, turn me on when I'm lonely
Show me all of your charms

Evenings, when you lay down beside me
Take me gently into your arms

You're my ...
Lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes

Sparkling, clear, and lovely
You're my lady

Lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes

Sparkling, clear, and lovely
You're my ... lady

Happy Valentine's Day. Be mine.


Monday, February 04, 2008

Where Have I Been? Off Feeling Super!

Hi everybody,

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Jeez, where HAS the time gone? I suspect some of you have even given me up for dead, or perhaps it was just wishful thinking. Tell you what. Rather than try to come up with some lame-ass excuse for why my posting has decreased to a painful, diseased trickle, why not instead come up with an equally lame-ass post to make up for it?

I suppose I owe you an explanation for where I've been all this time since my last post. Okay, here goes: I caught Super Bowl Fever! And the only cure? (Besides MORE cowbell?) A trip to THE Super Bowl!

{{{{{{Pug Flashback}}}}}} It all started immediately after my last post. I started feeling melancholy, with a sense of loss that this most excellent of posts was no longer just in my head. It was now separate from me. Call it "Post-Part 'Em Depression" if you will. It's the same feeling I get after a date with (let's see ... who's turn is it for me to pick on ... ?) RevRee.

Anyhoo, I sensed that a change of scenery would be welcome, and though I hear London is both vibrant and tropical during this time of year, I was worried that the current exchange rate for this colonial roll of dimes in my front pocket might not adequately convert into royal "wanderlust". And so rebelliously, I decided to "live free" to pursue other "liberties".

I contemplated a trip to sunny Florida, where perhaps I could while away the hours on an adventurous picnic past the point of no return with my dear Lamby.

However, I realized that Lamby is slightly too chaste and wholesome for the likes of this Pug. And who am I to suffocate in all of that fluffy woolen virtue? No, perhaps it was time to embrace the animal within, and pay a visit to the local "cathouse".

Was I even half-way there, roll of impetuous dimes given way to nickels of passion, when I realized that this was a futile scramble from leash of reality? After all, had I not been banned from that place less than 6-months prior, for behavior so disgusting that decorum prevents me from disclosing it here?

Maybe, just maybe the answer - not unlike in a Menage a Trois - was somewhere in the middle. Perhaps exposure to professionals of a similar yet different pastime were what was called for. The Super Bowl was beckoning.

I don't know how old I was when I first developed a passion for the game. Ten? Eleven? I can't remember exactly, except that it was a lonely time, when all I had for companionship in that desolate attic were the countless stacks of National Geographics along with the occasional "Land O' Lakes" butter carton.

One crisp fall day, that Spartan existence changed. It was my very first football game. I didn't have a ticket, so I had to sneak in and find a vantage point under the bleachers from where I could voyeuristically participate in the action. It was magical. Tight end passes, getting the pigskin to receivers on a fly pattern, the occasional end-around play: it had it all! The proverbial icing on the cake was that the Cheerleaders' Section was directly above, which did anything but make yours truly want to split.

Needless to say, from that point on I was hooked on football. And hookers. Okay, just kidding about the hookers.

And so I was off. To Arizona. Never actually made it though, since as it turns out, at night it is "Bat Country".

In the end, I ended up watching the Giants upset the Patriots at home, in the sans-clothing comfort of my den. And now football season is over, and again I am feeling a sense of loss. Maybe I should get into volleyball.