Saturday, September 20, 2008

Democratic Convention - Special Report #2

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Hi everybody,

How many of you (other than NYD) thought/hoped you'd never see a SECOND Special Report in your lifetime from this intrepid reporter? Well that makes all of us. Now I know some - okay, all - of you may feel inclined to take a cheap shot at me for my tardiness in whipping it out. I expect a couple of wisenheimers to demand an "equally timely" news report on Hurricane Gustav. But rest assured for once there's a good reason for the delay.



Suffice it to say, I never should've gone to Bill Richardson's post-Day-1 party. That way I would've never encountered the bad Peyote which at the time went rather nicely with some bad tequila. The next thing I recall is waking up in Tijuana along side Bill and a tranny named Juanita. It took forever to convince border guards that I wasn't a Chihuahua with a thyroid problem.

Okay, I suppose the only way to deal with my various hangovers is to get them over with. So here goes with the wrap-up of my DNC coverage.


Mark Warner (Former Governor of Virginia) led off the "major" festivities. By "major", I mean that there was a steady "stream" throughout the convention of "lesser" speakers using the podium approximately every 10-minutes. In fact, yours truly accidently got in that line by mistake, thinking it was for the port-a-potties. Turns out that my moment of "relief" was way more appreciated than anything the others had to offer. This just goes to show that you can make lemonaid from life's lemons.

Warner, otherwise known as "Mr. Charisma" almost makes Ralph Nader seem interesting. Somebody should've changed the lock so his keynote speech couldn't gain entry.

The gist of his tedious rambling was how he had a vision of cellphones transforming the world into a place where no person would ever feel as important as someone who was not actually present; and no motorist, bicyclist or pedestrian could ever feel safe outdoors again. Thank you for that, dipshit.


Next batter up was Ted Kennedy, who mentioned that nothing was going to keep him away: not cancer nor conspiracies, not Oliver Stone nor even his ex-wife Joan. He noted that America was at a crossroads. It could either return to the party that had led it astray, or it could choose a treacherous, dimly lit bridge to a safe but distant shore.

Uncle Teddy admonished us to make the bold choice, much as his brother Jack had done when deciding that the moon was not just a destination for Alice Kramden, but for America as well. We answered JFK's call and met the challenge. And it was only because of our courage and dedication, that today we can proudly boast of an American flag, lunar rover, several golf balls, a used condom, one empty Jack Daniel's bottle, and the contents of one ashtray as permanent lunar evidence of that conquest.

Terrible Ted then went on to compare our country of 8-years ago to a trusting floozy who simply elected to leave the bar with the wrong frat boy. Sure, at first we agreed that it might be a good idea to walk along the shore and gaze out toward Afganistan as we were coaxed out of our nylons. But that's as far as we wanted any troops to march.



The headliner of Day-2 was Hillary Clinton, who was introduced by her daughter. Chelsea has blossomed into a striking young woman, which makes it difficult for me to accept that Hillary has forbidden me to see her. Now this is where it gets awkward: my parents and Bill have already arranged for me to take her on a date. I know Hillary will be furious, as she thinks of me as her own "Little Intern". Love can take many forms. Why then, for me, does it always have to be in the shape of a triangle? These Clintons will be the death of me yet.


Remember when we found out that, instead of wanting to kill him - Darth Vader was actually Luke Skywalker's loving dad, and longed to rule as father and son? Well, this is the closest similarity I can muster (sorry) to depict the atmosphere as Hillary took the podium.


Was she going to unsheath her purple lightsaber and slay her nemesis, Obi Wan Obama? Or was she going to extend her gloved hand with an offer to unite so that their progeny may one day rule the galaxy together? She chose neither, electing instead to (apparently) back Obama. And yet there remained a lingering, uneasy, palpatine feeling of a sinister sequel looming as she continues to tighten her grasp on the Senate.


The next day, Joe Biden spoke. He started to apologize for being from a state so puny that even Rhode Island tries to bully it at the beginning of every new Congressional session; but then he caught himself and told everyone to go screw themselves. After all, Delaware WAS the first state in this glorious "conga-line" of democracy. Plus, why does almost every company clamor to be incorporated there, if it's not the coolest state?

He then pointed out that he accepted the nomination for "second banana" because "Dick" Cheney had set the bar low enough to stumble over. He pledged to not laugh at every one of Obama's jokes and skits, and to pay off his mortgage instead of dinking around. This alone should make him the best thing to come out of Scranton, Pennsylvania since ... ever, I suppose.

As a kid, whenever he got knocked down by guys bigger than him, his mom taught Little Joe* (* not to be confused with the beloved Michael Landon character from "Bonanza") to get back up and grab a lead pipe as he headed out the door. Soon, he was the bully. Now, the rest of us instinctively reach for lead pipes as Joe enters the room.


John Kerry spoke next, bitterly noting how four years ago he was swiftly screwed out of becoming President of the United States, but that this wasn't about him and his shattered dreams. So instead he emphasized how we must listen and lead by example because even a nation as powerful as the United States needs some friends in this world. No country likes to sit alone eating their lunch from a tray at the distant end of the world cafeteria. Nor does any nation enjoy not having friends to hang out with on coffee shop couches while listening to acoustic guitar.

Kerry noted how perhaps we can befriend Georgia. Not the sweaty and dull "southern girl next door" Georgia, but rather the timid yet exotically "stripper-attractive" foreign-exchange student Georgia. Perhaps all that is needed to scare off her abusive ex-boyfriend Vladimer, is to show up in front of his house in a souped-up GTO with a "coalition" of buddies in leather regalia.



Former President Bill Clinton came on to an exuberant roar of the crowd. As expected, he was very candid in sharing how, in the end, his candidate didn’t win. So much for all of the unaccounted-for Hillary-free time he was eagerly anticipating. And if there was barely any living with her before, this setback would make Dante's Inferno seem like a sauna.

And yet he knew that like America, he cannot be strong "abroad" unless he is strong at home. So maybe he will stand up to Hillary, since appeasement never works with dictators. People the world over have always been more impressed by power of example than by example of power. Except for Hillary. So good luck with that.


Al Gore started out by briefly dancing in front of the podium with the Elaine Benes character from Seinfeld. Then he spoke to an appreciative audience that clearly showed prodigious reverence for this esteemed inventor of the Internet, since Internet porn could not exist without it.

One of the greatest gifts of our democracy is the opportunity every four years it provides for Democrats to "kick the football through the uprights" a la Charlie Brown. So what if most times the powers that be and a whole bunch of dumbshit voters are able to cruelly swipe the ball away at the last second?

Under his Presidency, Al would have pursued bin Laden like so many discarded Florida ballots. And Chad would be one of the first places we searched.

Tipper's Skipper then noted how voting for McCain was a form of recycling, but not in the beneficial "circle of life" affirming Soylent Green context; rather in the disgusting manner that used sardine cans and old milk containers are reclaimed "as is" for consumer reuse.



Instead of letting lobbyists and polluters control our destiny, we'd invest in solar, wind and geothermal power. Not a ray of sunshine would touch the ground without being redirected onto a electricity generating panel. Nor would a cool breeze ever again evade a turbine-fueling propeller until it was thoroughly spent. We would replace every hideous oil rig with not quite as hideous but more ubiquitous geothermal extraction rigs.

Al then drew parallels between Obama and Lincoln, noting how Honest Abe came from Illinois with seemingly little political experience, and how The Great Emancipator also took over for a horseshit President whose last name started with a "B". He then segued into a meandering explanation of how Lincoln had a manservant named Obama, while Obama once rode in a Lincoln, but by this time the crowd was clearly distracted by the buffet that was being set up to sate the post-speech "munchies".



What can I say about Obama's speech on the final hour of the final day, that the scriptures and Nostradamus haven't already foretold?

And a man of color shall appear before the colorless and mostly odorless
The chosen one chooses not to grace the arena named for a popular beverage
So in it's place he appears in a great edifice graced by a white stallion
Between massive columns of styrofoam he speaks to the masses washed and otherwise
For our future and for our childrens' future we must and shall beat these other guys


The chosen one gave a concise and powerful speech. The image of him, with each of his arms chained to a column, was too much for some and yet not enough for others. At the conclusion, he appeared to gaze at the heavens and mumble to an unseen force. It was then that the columns appeared to ever so slowly nudge toward each other, eventually toppling over into the now horrified crowd. Then the moneychangers* (* these days more commonly referred to as ATM machines, which of course really have no relevant place in this vignette) were driven from the temple, but I think it was captured on one or more surveillance cameras.

***

This wraps up my coverage of the Democratic National Convention. I hope your expectations were sufficiently low enough for me to meet them (or at least head them off before they reached the exit). See you next report, where we'll meet again. Don't know where, don't know when. May the force be with you.



.

35 comments:

K9 said...

it must be quite painful to end up with anakin when you couldve had obi wan kenobi....oh but there was that little problem of ....the "triangle" i believe you called it? the battleship was a she; a steady steely thingy; but they traded for he; a poseur in a dingy.

good luck with that!

grrrherhahaha! a chihuahua with a thyroid problem!

excellent reporting, puerileuwaite!

Little Lamb said...

This was a most enjoyable post. I love Pee Wee Herman and the Planet of the Apes.

puerileuwaite said...

K9 - Thanks. It felt like it was years in the making. I kinda feel like George Lucas, except for money, talent and looking like an Ewok.

***

Lamby - That's what took so long. It's almost impossible to seamlessly "knit" Pee Wee AND Planet of the Apes into the same, incoherent post.

Serena said...

We don't really have to vote for anybody, do we? I think I'll opt for ingesting the bad peyote and contemplating the ramblings of Nostradamus -- who I think also may have gotten hold of some bad peyote before that nasty light saber shock.

K9 said...

the planet of the apes is truly disturbing.

ewok? you think youre cute, dont you?
grrherhahahaha

Sassy Blondie said...

This strange obsession with all that is Clinton concerns me for our future, Pugsley dear. Chelsea has finally grown into her teeth, but to call her "striking" might be a stretch, my sweet.

Lots of gasbags there, as with any convention...you know they all went just to get laid...

dianne said...

Lol at all of the comments so far! I must ask did Sassy Blondie mean 'striking' as in lightning? Haha. Very funny post my sweet, no wonder it has taken you so long, you have had so much research to do. I do lead a sheltered life, I must confess I had to look up the meaning of 'peyote'.
It must be a curse for you being so handsome, intelligent and desirable! :) xoxoxoxoxo

foam said...

i'm here for the bad peyote ..
well, i see you've already ingested it all ..
you stingy curr, you ..
next time .. SHARE..

this was a very enjoyable read this sunday morning ..
i think i'm gonna vote for peewee herman now ..

ps: i was up at 3:45 letting my beloved mutt out to tinkle .. err/ i meant i was stargazing with bleary bloodshot eyes..
where wuz you?

Enemy of the Republic said...

Where did you get that photoshop of Obama with a light saber? I suppose the Republicans are the Sith Lord and apprentice. IMHO

I guess you will get to the Republicans by December. But please, don't do it on my account. How about a Pugster reportage of the debates!

Enemy of the Republic said...

And if Bill says you can go out with Chelsea, that is good enough. He is a man of great restraint when it comes to young ladies; his judgment on any other man besides himself is so humble and compassionate; Pug and Chelsea.

Sniff...an engaged Pug--now we will never get a post!

Corn Dog said...

That is my all time favorite Pee Wee Herman clip. Yah!

NYD said...

So how exactly did you make your way back over the Mexican border, young pup?
Some Jedi mind trick no doubt.

I am uncertain if you are a Democrat with a reprehensible sense of conformity or a Republican spy. There is of course a third option. You are the spawn of boba fett which would explain the desire to mate with a member of the Clinton clan.

/t. said...

conga-line

HA HAHA AHA HA AHA HAHA HAH HA AHAH AH HA HA HAHA HA HA HAH AHA AH AHAH AHA HAH HA HAHA HA HAH AHHA HAHA HA HA HAH AHA HA HAHA HA HA HAHA HA HA HAH AHA AH AHAH AHA HAH HA HAHA HA HAH AHHA HAHA HA HA HAH AHA HA HAHA HA HA AHA HA AHA HAHA HAH AH AHA HA HAH AH HA HAHA HA HAH HA HAH HA HA HAHA HA HA HAH AHA AH AHAH AHA HAH HA HAHA HA HAH AHHA HAHA HA HA HAH AHA HA HAHA HA HA AHA HA AHA HAHA HAH AH AHA HA HAH AH HA HAHA HA HAH HA HAH AHA HAHA HAH AHAH HA HA HAH AHA HAHA AHAH AHAH HAH AHA HAHA HAH AHAH HA HA HAH AHA HAHA AHAH AHAH HAH HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HAH AHA AH AHAH AHA HAH HA HAHA HA HAH AHHA HAHA HA HA HAH AHA HA HAHA HA HA AHA HA AHA HAHA HAH AH AHA HA HAH AH HA HAHA HA HAH HA HAH AHA HAHA HAH AHAH HA HA HAH AHA HAHA AHAH AHAH HAH AHA HA AHA HAHA HAH AH AHA HA HAH AH HA HAHA HA HAH HA HAH AHA HAHA HAH AHAH HA HA HAH AHA HAHA AHAH AHAH HAH AHA HA HA HAH AHA HAHA AH AHH HA HA!

/T.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - We should always vote with our conscience. That's why you must write me in as your candidate. I command it! (You may want to take some peyote and then come back and read this. It helps.)

***

K9 - Why yes I do. Because if I don't, who will? Nobody, that's who. Self-esteem has to start somewhere.

Ewoks are cute. Who wouldn't want to be one?

(p.s. - I don't like to brag, but I once read ALL of the Planet of the Apes books. I'm starting again to be convinced that we need to hand it over to our simian friends in a Property Management capacity.)

***

Sassy - Well I will grant you that Chelsea does have Bill's nose (poor girl). But if she has even a tiny fraction of his sex drive, then she's the gal for me.

Amen for getting some at conventions! Just learn from me and avoid certain ones ... like the Shriners'and the Trekkers'.

***

Dianne - Well I'm glad that someone FINALLY acknowleged all of the infrequent work I put in for you people. Why I even bother is frequently beyond me.

I'm also glad about the peyote. I wanted your first* time (* at least for the peyote ... lord knows how many other things I'm too late for) to be with me (assuming that you are able to lead me off this straight and narrow path that I'm on ... to actually partake of illegal substances).

Finally, people curse me ALL the time. Usually in traffic. Maybe it's because they're jealous of those qualities that you mention. I suppose everyone has their cross to bear.

***

Foam - I continue to find your honesty refreshing. Especially with this crowd. Most of them would at least pretend they were here for me, then casually get around to inquiring about the peyote.

Glad to be able to at least satisfy your Sunday morning reading needs. That's a foothold.

You didn't see me? They put me up in orbit once again; amazed that I continue to return alive. I flew over at least twice, trying to get a street address for future stalking.

***

Enemy - I actually Googled something along the lines of "Obama Jedi Knight" and it came right up. I did the same thing to find the Messiah pic. How cool is that?

Oh ... I have some thing in mind for the Republicans, so never fear. I will be closely watching the debates (can't wait), but don't know how much I will post about them (if at all).

Finally, I pledge to never shirk my blogging obligation for a woman. If anything, I imagine a new love would drive me deeper into the escape that blogging provides.

***

Corn Dog - I like the one where he's arrested in a movie theater, and he shouts: "Do you mind?! I'm trying to use the bone!".

***

NYD - After being probed for narcotics, I was on my way! And I deny nothing that you mentioned, except for being a Republican spy.

Though I am extremely conservative in some areas (especially crime and taxes), because of the recent damage, we need those bozos and their cronies as far away from Congress and the White House as possible.

***

/t. - We need a conga-line of lambs, stat!

boneman said...

what's really surprising to me is, how come you hadn't 'shorted out' the mic when you were...er...at the podium?

Did you not notice all those folks watching you?
Wait...I know.
You thought it was one of those really REALLY fancy restrooms with a long mirror at the urinals?

You d'DOG, man!

..................... said...

here's an estremely rare foam opinion on politics ..
re: we need those bozos and their cronies as far away from Congress and the White House as possible - i'm with you on that one, pug..

GirlGoyle said...

I think the Darth Vader outfit really suits Hillary and helps hide her big brass balls. Though I just can't see Obama as a Jedi. He just looks like he'd fit the character of Curious George so much better!

NYD said...

You haven't given the Repulican'ts their equal time, lil Pug.

puerileuwaite said...

Boneman - As it turns out, my urine has insulating properties. I learned that one time when I peed on the spark plug wires of a running engine as part of a drunken bet.

And I simply thought that the folks watching me were part of my therapy to overcome "shy kidney syndrome" or "SKS".

***

Foam - Thank you for being with me. Now I need you against me.

***

Girlgoyle - Oh no. YOU"RE RIGHT! Since the current idiot looks like one too (check out the "Bush or Monkey" website sometime), it appears we're doomed to 4-more years of either the President looking like a monkey - or - Republican mismanagement and greed. Either way: more of the same.

***

NYD - Oh, I WOULDN'T miss THAT opportunity. So look for it soon at a Pug's blog near you.

dianne said...

Oh Puggles my sweet there are still lots of 'firsts' we could share. :) xoxox

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Well in that case, I'm starting a list, and checking it twice ...

K9 said...

boy was i glad to see you today. *im hiding from my blog here, okay?* grrrrherhahahahahaha

its about time for us to sail away to dog island. we'll have piles

of....money and the globalists will leave us alone or we'll give them a flea infestation that will make a neutron bomb look like a kiss on the cheek!

puerileuwaite said...

K9 - I thought you'd never ask! Yes! Yes!!*









(* unless you plan on bringing the husband)

**¤ ¤** said...

okay, no problem ..

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Yes! They always crack in the end.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I just want you to know that the last photo is now my desktop wallpaper.

K9 said...

i cant WAIT for the pug's eye view of the shake down.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Sorry, but I have you beat. It is now my bedroom wallpaper. And I'm really excited about having some of my readers come over to see it!

***

K9 - Thank you. I know I say this line a lot to the female gender, but this time I really mean it: I'll try not to let you down!

foam said...

shake it on down then, pug ..
if so inclined..

cathy said...

Seeing hilaey peeking out of darth's black getup has completely destroyed one of my bad man fantasies...

... Oh well Batman is waiting in the wings to take up the slack:)

dianne said...

Just wanted to ask Puggles my sweet, is that Obama's light saber or is he just happy to see us? ;) xoxox

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - I'll try. (You meant a new post, and not a body part ... right? I can do either ... I just need to know how to prepare)

***

Cathy - If you're willing to settle for the Joker, I'll be right over!

***

Dianne - Us? This evil empire doesn't swing that way.

**¤ ¤** said...

well, pug ..
i had meant post, but if the other will help you get ready ..

but then again ..
i shouldn't be talking..
when it comes to my own blogging, i've been completely uninspired lately for a while now.

**¤ ¤** said...

..and into redundancies apparently..
lately for a while? .. tsk .. :)

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - I appreciate the slack. You have given me hope that -yes - I CAN post again. Maybe even tomorrow! I had a post under way, but it wasn't as inspired as I prefer. However I've just figured out the proper tweaks. Now all I need is for life and work to cooperate, so I can finish it.