Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Puglypaloosa Award: The Pug Scores a Bogey


Hi everybody,

I know there's been a delay in delivering the next round of entertainment here at Puglypaloosa. For most of you, the effect of alcohol has worn off, and ugly regret is starting to once again seep to the surface. So what do you say I make it up to you with my award acceptance ceremony as today's humble offering?

The rules that go with this award (thank you Boneman for deeming me worthy) are to list five things about yourself and pass the award on to other bloggers.

1) I worry that people will notice I tend to dwell a bit too long on art that features female nudity.

I fully became aware of this "quirk" (along with my blossoming sexuality) during my first visit to a world-renowned art museum. I tended to linger longer in front of paintings featuring exposed breasts and nether regions.

Gauging by the numerous old-timers in trenchcoats around me, I was reassuredly not alone in my new-found legal voyeurism.

However before you judge too harshly, "bare"* (* note the clever wordplay) in mind that the ladies of my admiration were universally "Reubenesque" and thereby fostered a future appreciation of the typical female blogger.

(UPDATE: I just realized the previous sentence may be horribly misinterpreted by one or more readers** (** well, the honest ones)! By "Reubenesque", I - of course - did not mean to imply that anyone out there is "plump" or not in shape, as measured by today's unrealistic*** (***  geez, apparently) standards! I simply meant that with liberal applications of sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, Russian dressing, Black Bart and yours truly, you would make a fine sandwich.)


During the same visit, I chanced upon a full-size plaster sculpture of a naked woman in a brass bed* (* also rendered in plaster). Long story short: I wound up explaining to security that another patron squeezed her bottle of baby powder on me for calling her "Reubenesque". Plaster fallout: I've been hooked on unclothed gals in full-body casts ever since.

2) I am obsessed with collecting applications for my iPhone.

It wouldn't be fair to the one or two non-geeks inadvertently stumbling across this post, for me to inflict a narrative of EVERY application (or "app" for us hipsters) that I have (so far). So allow me to share just two for now.

"Earthquakes": This app alerts me everytime an earthquake occurs somewhere in the world. Which apparently is every 15-friggin' minutes. So bite me, Haiti, I thought you were unique. And just so you know, I've cancelled my plans to abduct, er, rescue your orphans and convert them to my new servitude-based religion.

"MoonPhase": As the name implies, this app tells me what phase the moon should currently be in. Then, when another app (I lied, and snuck in a 3rd app. So sue me. There's an app for that.) called "Planets" confirms that the moon should be visible, I scamper outside and compare phases. Everytime they do not match, I write an angry letter to my congresspersons, urging them to cut NASA's funding.

3) I don't think any golfer should be popular enough to have groupies.

This gives false hope to pseudo-athletes everywhere. Soon: bowlers, curlers, synchronized swimmers, Frisbee-golfers, bocce-ballers and cricket players everywhere will start desiring opposite-sex companionship. And that means increased competition for this Pug, Ben Rothlisberger - and even possibly Black Bart - at every Denny's, porn convention, strip club, Vegas casino and church parking lot.

4) I believe that Facebook and Twitter will ultimately make you boring even if you normally weren't.

My apologies to my readers with Facebook or Twitter accounts. I certainly didn't mean to imply that YOUR Facebook and/or Twitter accounts were boring! In fact, in particular I LOVE keeping tabs on expensive new purchases and when you leave the house. 

However, are those "tweets" about every bowel movement and how much you enjoy vanilla ice cream REALLY necessary? If you're going to tweet, at least use it to report on the neighbors': probable terrorist activities, excessive purchases the I.R.S. would be interested in, swinger parties or crack-dealing.

Ditto for Facebook. And while I'm on the subject of Facebook, WHO THE F**K are these people who comment that they "approve" of a new activity?! For those (in this case: fortunate) cave-dwellers who may be unfamiliar, here is an example (citing a fictional Facebooker named "Doris") of a typical Facebook exchange:

- Doris commented on Suzette's trip to the Piggly Wiggly (grocery store).
- Jerry likes Doris' comment (shows a "thumbs up sign).
- Doris became a fan of Ravi Shankar's Muzak blog.
- Gunther approves.

(... etc., ad nauseum ...)

I just don't get it. Maybe you need friends to get it. However since in my case that isn't an option, perhaps the key is to "adapt" Facebook more to my liking. Here is an example:

- Bob commented on Gunther's Aryan Nation wall.
- Pete likes Bob's comment (shows a "Sieg Heil" sign).
- Puerileuwaite became a fan of Bob's and Pete's respective employers' HR sites.
- Puerileuwaite commented on Bob's and Pete's respective employers' HR sites.
- Bob became a fan of Denver Post's Now Hiring website.
- Pete became a fan of Miami Herald's New Job Opportunities website.
- Black Bart likes living in Bob's recently vacated house.
- Puerileuwaite approves.

5) I want there to be one global conspiracy that systematically eliminates all conspiracy theorists.

I had a lot more to say on this topic, however I was advised by certain unnamed moles in Google / Blogger management to keep it to one carefully worded sentence.

.

39 comments:

Serena said...

Oh, dear. I'm not very Reubenesque, but I do enjoy the occasional voyeuristic session in a trenchcoat, assuming the moon phase is correct (never mind what the iApp says) and provided I'm treated to a nice Reuben with extra dressing afterwards. So, how about we go scope out the golf course and don't Twitter about it?;)

foam said...

exsqueezeme,

but i've been a huge groupie of the famous male synchronized swimming pair,martin short and harry shearer since 84.

on the other hand, one of my favorite art experiences is from the famous art movie, "Don't Eat the Pictures: Sesame Street at the Metropolitan Museum of Art". oscar sings an ode to beautiful trashy and broken old greek sculptures which depict rather nekkid males and females. it brings tears to my eyes ..

/t. said...

tower to pug

tower to pug

you have a bogie
at 12 oclock high
&
another at 6

/t. out

boneman said...

well, if you're one to appreciate figures (as it were) then you've probably noticed that I change out First Farm and Weather Report everyday with a new weather photo?
No?
http://firstfarmandweatherreport.blogspot.com/

(I believe the theme today is breezy...just like yesterday)

d=))

Little Lamb said...

Wow! I'm impressed! A new post. That puts me to shame, however. I should post soon, too.

dianne said...

I have been here a few times Puggles my sweet and have laughed at your list of 'five things about yourself'...I could not think of what to write after reading your first offering and Serena's comment... Lol :)
You are a very interesting person my sweet, this has been quite an insight ... I like visiting the art gallery too, but not in a trench coat, just something pretty and I always keep my hands off of the exhibits.
xoxoxo ♥♥♥

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - A hot redhead in a trench coat? I am SO there. Even if it turns out to be the cruel "Ninth Green at Nine" trick (a la "Happy Gilmore). We can solve mysteries together. We'll start with the mystery of "What is under your trench coat?".

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Excellent. Kudos on the Harry Shearer / Martin Short reference. I remember that SNL "mocumentary" very well, and it did in fact inspire my inclusion of synchronized swimming.

I'll have to search for the Oscar MoMA tribute on YouTube, to make sure you're not pulling any of my legs. Hopefully that Puritan pr!ck John Ashcroft didn't get to it first.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I thought I had Gary Cooper at Twelve O'Clock High. Maybe this Pug has flown too many missions, and needs some "rack time".

puerileuwaite said...

Boneman - Isn't the First Farm and Weather Report for early birds?

THIS farmer likes to sleep in. That's why he opted to grow 2000 acres of medical marijuana.

puerileuwaite said...

Little Lamb - No need to post. Instead, let's channel that shame into a special art project. My working title is "The Seven Year Itch: Under The Wool".

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Just remember that this Pug is strictly a hands-on exhibit. I cover myself in gold paint and pose right next to the water fountains, thus taking advantage of thirsty, distracted tourists.

Helene said...

Puggggggggggggggggg! Hello!
As per usual your comment cheered up my day! Tyvm!

This post though, is a bit on the depressing side... Thinking that all the Facebooking I have been doing is making me boring not exciting??? Naw cant be... just ask my kids =p
Wondering how your art appreciation can be deemed a problem??
I do have to agree with the Golf Groupie deal, though Its worked out well for some.

Nice to get to know 5 more things about you. You are, as interesting as ever despite Facebook and Twitter!

dianne said...

Just checking on you my sweet, I do hope you are not still wearing that gold paint I have heard it can be toxic ... you would be a hands on exhibit paint or no paint. :) xoxo ♥

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsly, my dear, you never fail to amuse.

/t. said...

just out
of curiosity,
where were you saturday
between the hours of 8 and 10 pm?

someone crapped om my lawn

/t.

cathy said...

Reubens was a realist and is worshiped by all women of proper proportions :)

dianne said...

I came over to say Hi! Hope you are well? I haven't seen you for a while my sweet, you have probably lost interest in my blog since I have turned it into a gardening format ... haven't got a poem in me at the moment but I live in hope.
Love the Leslie Feist song 1234, what a great voice she has. I found a cute video of her quite a while back and bookmarked it, it is called 'one evening' where she does this dance with a guy and sings, only trouble is that it has been cut to 1 minute 30 seconds, such a shame.
Here is the link to what is left.
xoxoxo ♡

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MG2hJA4ag-0&feature=related

puerileuwaite said...

Helene - Wait. "As usual", "my comment made your day"?! What kind of twisted, alternate universe is this? And how do I manage to stay here? I'm off to Facebook and Twitter to find out.

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - I'm only wearing the gold paint because they told me they were remaking "Goldfinger". But now I'm getting woozy, waiting for them to return.

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy - Where have you been? Please tell me you've been busy working, or that you ran away to a convent in order to remain chaste for me. I refuse to believe the numerous rumors to the contrary.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I have an alibi. During that precise timeframe, I was getting drunk at a tavern I'd never been to before. All I remember about that place, is that it had a beautiful brass toilet. The next night, I went back to retrieve my collar and was accused of crapping in some guy's tuba.

Did your crap look like the Blue Oyster Cult logo? If yes, then it had to be a copycat, er, copypug.

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - Wait. There really was a "Reubens"? I thought they were referring to Reuben Kinkaide (The Partridge Family's manager).

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Not at all! I have been busy, but continue to at least visit everyone even if I haven't been able to leave my usual witty commentary.

I love to garden and work outdoors. Mostly, I fertilize, of course (tell me you didn't see that coming). However, here in "The Great Southwest", Mother Nature has the same attitude as the Sheriff in that Bob Marley tune: "kill it before it grows".

:-(

So, with a few exceptions, I mostly vicariously garden through your blog, and maintain a tolerant outlook toward your covert marijuana operation.

Finally, I am a huge Leslie Feist fan! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE her "One Evening" video. Very sexy. SHe is the best thing to come out of Canada since Ed the Sock Puppet, Rush, and /t. Rumor has it that she wrote "One Evening" about her fling with yours truly. However she had to "go human" in the video, because we Pugs always want to lead, and prefer the Tango.

puerileuwaite said...

Anyhoo ... stay tuned very soon for more Puglypaloosa action!

dianne said...

I'm sorry that you have been so busy, I really miss your witty commentaries.
My sweet you must take that gold paint off straight away if it is making you sick ... you can always re-apply a fresh coat when you get the part in the remake of Goldfinger.
I'm pleased to hear that you live your garden fantasies vicarously through my blog, its nice to know that you might be there somewhere peeking through the foliage at me, but please no fertiliser. :)
Gosh my covert marijuana operation! It is so covert that I don't know about it, you will have to come and point out the weed for me.
I'm so pleased that you like the 'One Evening' Feist video, I love the music and her voice.
I had a dress just like that once but not the daggy stockings, maybe one of these moonlit nights you and I could go dancing, I'm sure we could dance a tango to that music. xoxoxo ♡

foam said...

ack .. it's still alive!

i was going to come by and make some pithy comment about my cats getting the pug's tongue and more ..

but there are signs of pug life here after all ..

that's good .. :)

Helene said...

ppp-pugggggggggg!
How r u big guy?
OMG your stalking comment made me giggle... darn my cover is blown! hehehe

Happy Memorial Day! Doing anything special?

Malnurtured Snay said...

Holy CRAP you're ALIVE.

dianne said...

Thank you my sweet for your creative comments you have left at my latest art posts ... I always leave a reply for my commenters if you care to come back.
I seem to be wavering between gardens and art posts recently, I don't feel inspired to write any poems, I have half written a few but they remain unfinised. xoxoxo ♡

Helene said...

knock knock...

Anonymous said...

who's there?

Pink said...

You've been reading my facebook account, haven't you?

You're looking fetching, puppy.

xx
pinks

/t. said...

awesome

this blog post
is now several months
older than moses

/t.

foam said...

just came by to say hello ...
but there's tooooooooo many cobwebs .... !!!

Pink said...

moses was pretty old.

but i'm sure he didn't have this many cobwebs.

hi puggly wuggly poo

xx

puerileuwaite said...

Wow! I am humbled by all of the comments that I now have to catch up on and reply to, and grateful to you all. Please read the new post, as it sheds light on my absence. Hopefully I'm back to making the rounds on a more regular basis.

Helene said...

Boo!

Kevin Yuh said...

Sassy - Where have you been? Please tell me you've been busy working, or that you ran away to a convent in order to remain chaste for me. I refuse to believe the numerous rumors to the contrary.