Sunday, October 14, 2007

Getting Your Dating Mojo On - Part II

Hi everybody,

I think we'd all agree that a non-political post would be a welcome respite at this point. So what would you say to the continuation of your "virtual date" with the Pug?

Wait, before you roll your eyes and make that "gagging with your index finger" gesture, please remember that I have feelings. Even though not readily apparent, they do exist under a protective candy shell where only through careful licking they can be exposed and savored. So please resist the urge to crunch and destroy them in your hunger for instant gratification at my expense.


Besides, on our "virtual date" you are guaranteed to get lucky, as there is no threat of an awkward goodnight kiss or the possibility that someone you know will spot us together and think less of you (assuming THAT'S even possible).

Since the virtual Rohypnols may have already started to take effect, allow me to refresh your memory on where our date left off. We had just finished "the 5 things The Pug likes to hear on a date" appetizer, along with a couple of drinks and some witty banter from the Pug's side of the table.

So let's continue on with the main course, shall we?

***

The 5 things The Pug hates to hear on a date:

“My last boyfriend...”

No one wants to hear about your past flames. Even if they were really flaming flames. The Pug likes to pretend that his date is similar to a virginal young Brooke Shields, waiting for the right "pro" (tennis or otherwise) to come along. And of course by "right pro", I mean somone with an comparable set of bushy eyebrows that match up with hers. Okay, just kidding about the eyebrows. Though it is important to create the illusion that the girl has remained chaste in anticipation of her date with the Pug (similar to Brooke's character in "The Blue Lagoon", or - if you're extremely creepy - "Pretty Baby"). Wearing a Catholic school girl outfit probably wouldn't be a bad idea either.



“Do you mind if I take this call?”

Yes, I DO mind. Because The Pug has been burnt before. Whether it's covert camera phone pictures (for later posting) snapped of The Pug eating like a pig, or a competing male caller looking for a last minute "escort", he's been betrayed in virtually every way possible by this seemingly innocuous device. And don't get me started on those games that come with the damned things. I once had a girl knock out 12*-games of "Dig Dug" before the check arrived (* my projected estimate, as I seldom stay for the check).



“So how do you feel about religion?”

This is tricky subject matter on a date, for several reasons. First of all, the Pug does not want to be reminded that God may be monitoring his activities this particular evening. As this is a momentary escape from his responsibilities, the Pug also expects the Supreme Being to take the occasional evening off from his hindrance and persecution of yours truly.

Secondly, if you play your cards right, the Pug will provide the religious experience. In fact, (I hate to brag) a handful of women have been so profoundly affected, they subsequently chose to continue on the path of righteousness and became nuns full-time.

Thirdly, we already know (with the exception of a few rather unfortunate and disturbing episodes, no thanks to Craig's List) that the physical parts likely match up. So why bring religious affiliations into the equation? So what if you're a Fanatical Muslim and I'm Selective Pentecostal? Can't we for just tonight adopt the military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy in order to team up, take those hills, dig a foxhole, and deploy our own "weaponry"?



“And then I found this cute pair of sandals...”

It's not so much that the Pug is not into footwear. To the contrary! By the time this sordid little affair of ours winds down to its inevitable conclusion, my obsession with "all things feet" will be painfully apparent.


But a recollection of your recent shopping excursions is hardly appropriate dinner conversation, as it creates the impression that your credit may be maxed out, and therefore not available for securing my loyalty. This will likely cause indigestion.

“How do you feel about having a family?”

The Pug no longer lives in the deep South. So trust me. Offering up your family members for his sexual amusement is not a good idea. Yet. There will be time for that once a relationship develops.



***

Well, that concludes our virtual date. And please, no calls in 2-weeks about how I allegedly knocked you up. This will improve your odds of hooking up again, most likely at my company's Christmas party (anything to dispel those nagging gay rumors ... so try to wear some makeup and let me lead during the slow dances). I had a good time, and I'll blog you.

.

67 comments:

gautami tripathy said...

What do you tell someone who has no interest in datng the pug..virtual or otherwise?

Pink said...

:-o

Gautami dissed the pug but good.

I just popped in to say I'm licking the candy shell delicately...now back to the story.
xx
pinks

Pink said...

:-o

I was so naive. I should have listened to Gautami.

Having gotten to the end of our blog date, after paying the bill on my already maxed out credit card because my last boyfriend failed to call me with that 'rescue call', I'm going home to mother!

phhht! Don't blog me, I'll blog you!
xx
pinks

Serena Joy said...

This is all too much to remember. Now I remember why I'll never date again.:(

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Gautami - I don't know, as that has never happened before. But just in case it ever does, here is what I would say (in poem format, of course):

The line of women with no interest
including
those who may consider me a pest

Encircles the Earth more than once
however
the typical gal is certainly no dunce

So rather than wait in the long queue
anxious
to finally be rid of you-know-who

They choose the path that is shorter
warily
watching as they wait on their order

(p.s. - you KNOW you want me!)

***

Pinks - I don't want to disappoint you, but it does get noticeably softer once you get past the shell.

And hey! Don't get mad at me. Why do you think I gave you that "look" when you ordered the most expensive item on the menu? I KNEW you couldn't afford TWO of those entrees!

Not to worry though, as my "satisfaction guaranteed" policy will award you a SECOND date, since you weren't completely satisfied with the first one.

***

Serena - You are not alone in that sentiment, m'lady. I get that second line a lot.

cathy said...

I'm way too old to be a convincing virgin but my toy boy thinks that wobbly woman of the world has it's advantages. Even old dogs can learn new tricks if they have the right incentive. LOL.

/t. said...

well, pug,
what can i say?

you're obviously way up
on this dating game, as evidenced by your enlightened views on chastity & credit, among other things...

so just allow me to say, nothing at all -- rather, i marvel & wonder in silence -- awed to be in the presence of a master such as yourself!

/t.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, I haven't dated in a very long time, but here are 5 things I hate:

1. Do you have change for a twenty?
2. After we are done, I got some buddies to meet.
3. All my ex girlfriends say I know how to please a lady.
4. Loud belching.
5. When I am speaking and his eyes are rolling around, generally resting on some other woman.

Little Lamb said...

I think we would have fun on our date.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Why do chicks have to talk so much anyway? Can't they just shut up and put out??

Scary Monster said...

What be the meaning of this date stuff. Me believed that all a pug needed were one decent butt sniff to know if she be the one.

STOMP.

Enemy of the Republic said...

LMAO at Scary Monster--that's the way!

jin said...

Wait, I'm confused...
where does
"Can I tie you up & have my way with you?"
fall on your list?
For
or
Against
hearing it?

Um... not that I'd ever say something like that...uh-uh. No. Certainly not. Uhhh... the sugar made me do it. Er... I mean say it. Yeah.

Corn Dog said...

Oh yeah. I laughed at Scary's remark too. No talking about shoe's, huh? What about space toilets?

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - Aw, c'mon, I've seen lots of older folks who may still be virgins. Usually - surprisingly enough - in the tecnnology field, of all places. And I've heard of "boy toys" ... but "toy boys"? Have you built yourself a robot, lady? If so, be careful (if you don't believe me, you may want to check out "I, Robot" sometime)!

***

/t. - Why thank you, my friend and colleague from the frozen north. But it's nothing, really. Women can be quite predictable, even in their unpredictability.

***

Enemy - That's why it pays to remain attentive. For instance, this may come as a shock, but yours truly has said the same things. However, in each case, there was more to each line, as follows:

1) I can give you the twenty later, if that's okay.

2) You are welcome to join us, but just bear in mind that we're such good buddies, we "share" everything.

3) In fact, they were estactic when I left.

4) Sorry! Wrong end. It's much quieter via the alternate exit.

5) Trust me. When I do it, it's funny and cute in that classic Groucho Marx way. And besides, tonight I have no plans to rest on some other woman. This is OUR night.

***

Lamby - Me too. Especially if that Office Skills Technology course of yours is as "comprehensive" as I hope it is.

***

Mighty D - That is one of the topics for Part III: "What HE'S really thinking". Okay, so it's the ONLY topic.

***

Scary - Don't I wish! But it's not that easy anymore, my green friend from Sushi Island. Sarbanes-Oxley has made life much more complex in every way.

***

Enemy - Let's not encourage him!

***

Jin - Well, I used to enjoy hearing it. But not so much anymore. Not after that unfortunate and freaky "Silence of the Pugs" incident. So now I only allow myself to be tied up and taken advantage of at work, where H.R. can monitor the situation for Sarbanes-Oxley compliance.

***

Corn Dog - Sure, as long as we're not eating chili and drinking lemonade while on a rollercoaster. This Pug has his standards.

Kate said...

I am soooo out of the dating loop! lol I guess, meeting your mate young has its advantages...

-neither of us had a $20 bill on them when we went anywhere in those days...

-I was in college, so most of our dates were 'group'dates to the local pub! lol (no sharing anything other than drinks though)

-no cell phones back then in the US at least...

-no personal computers either. (Gosh I am freaking dating myself!!)

-no awkward first kiss... we were both usually drunk...

Ah the simple days... If I liked a guy I sent had my girlfriend go and ask him if he liked me... or sent him a note in class! lmao

Enemy of the Republic said...

Was there ever a part 1? Just saying...

Hell, I'll date the pug...

Pink said...

I don't think I can afford a second date.

And as I'm a chartered accountant, if you're not SOX compliant, I'm not touching you with a ten foot pole.

And you're not touching me with a ten foot pole either. You haven't got a ten foot pole. That was a dream brought on by the rohypnol.

xx
pinks

Sassy Blondie said...

Pug! I don't know why you insist on flirting about in blogland when you know our love is true.

It hurts my feelings.

*sniffle*

Crashtest Comic said...

Here's a few things I hate hearing on a date:

1) I'm not smart enough to install the "14-and-under-" filter on My-Space, but I sure do love the mall, mister.

2) Please don't make me leave the heels on...

3) Hey--there aren't any puppies in this van?!

4) This last tattoo I got in prison--(was it Joliet or Sing-Sing? I can't recall?)

5) I'm taking medication for that.

6) Pull over--I need to bomb a clinic.

7) Is that a banana in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Oh, it's a banana.

8) This drink tastes like roofies--

9) Not on my dress, Mr. President.

10) Did someone just $hit in my rubber tree plant?

Serena Joy said...

LOL at Scary's remark. He hit the nail on the head, Puggy. Keep it simple!:)

MyUtopia said...

People and their cellphones drive me nuts on a regular basis, date or no date.

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - Wow! Thanks for taking me down your own personal Memory Lane. It was like watching an episode of The Flintstones!

;-)

***

Enemy - Okay, I accept. But first I need to read a few thousand books so I can hold my own* (* intellectually), and keep you and your Jedi mind tricks from bending me to your will!

***

Pinks - That could be a problem, as I have often been referred to as the "Enron" of the dating industry. This doesn't seem to be a problem for some women, who still are interested in becoming "shareholders".

***

Sassy - I'm doing this for US! By demonstrating that other females find me marginally desirable, it will stoke your passion even more. And besides, what if love is not a "true / false" question? What if it's REALLY "multiple choice"?

***

puerileuwaite said...

Oops, outta time this AM, as I now have to race out the door to my job at Spacely Sprockets. I will be back tonight. Stay clean and sober!

limpy99 said...

"Stay clean and sober!"

Speaking of things I hate to hear on my dates.

leelee said...

JETSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RevRee said...

Have you seen my bra? I think I left it somewhere in your blog, during our virtual date...

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - Hey! Leave the jokes to the pros!

Okay, actually THAT was some killer material. Plus I'm sure it will attract a few of the authorities to my humble blog (anything to boost readership, I suppose). So thank you for that, I guess.

***

Serena - Curse that monster for stealing my thunder! Color me green with envy.

***

Myutopia - I don't know which is worse: cellphones, or the bozos who inflict them on others.

ESPECIALLY in the hands of motorists. That is why every place should have the same law as Santa Fe, NM, where it is illegal to talk on one while driving (unless using it hands-free [the phone, not the steering wheel]).

These little annoyances are just another way for the masses to be asses.

In fact, up until recently I refused to have a cellphone, except ones provided by my employers (which I had to carry).

***

Limpy - I agree, as it is especially those types who make it so difficult to STAY clean and sober in the first place.

***

Leelee - I thought we agreed to keep my true identity a secret! Next you're probably going to tell everybody how I've been gettin' busy with Rosie.

***

Revree - Yes, and did it ever come in handy!

First I placed a bowling ball in it, and used it as an industrial slingshot to slay the angry Goliath that came around looking for you the next day.

Then I fashioned it into a 2-seater kiddie swing for when my nephews and nieces come to visit.

Finally, I waterproofed it, and used it as a 2-person rain tarp for outdoor sporting events.

Then some hooligans stole it, and draped it over the giant McDonald's sign next to the Interstate.

:-)

cathy said...

ummm...
boy toys, are those toys for boys to play with?

I thought toy boys were boys for women to play with. But I may be wrong this is unfamiliar territory.

I haven't seen "I robot" but I read the book about 25 years ago.
(maybe longer)

RevRee said...

I didn't think my breasts were that big.

Whatever

Kate said...

Flintstones???? OMG I AMMMMMMMMMMM old! *sob

Did I mention that my birthday is on Tues? ugg

I think I will just have to have a party for myself! wanna come... Ohhhhh this is a great idea I have just come up with... I think I need to make up an invitation... and send it out!

hummmmm How does one do party favors on a blog???
Hope you are having a good weekend!

Crashtest Comic said...

(you're not chastising me for trying to boost readership, are you?)

Pug the Plug! lol

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - Well then, let ME be your tour guide until you have the lay of the land.

***

Rev - I don't mean to milk laughs at your expense, but in my fantasies, they ARE that big. And there I am in my hiking attire, singing "Climb Every Mountain".

***

Kate - I'll be right over. and not to worry. I AM the party favor.

***

Crash - I just worry that they'll impose a 2-drink maximum to go with it.

she said...

sadly i can report that i have actually played mystery date. before you can go on the date you must have won, in the course of a tedious card game, an entire outfit that matches the date: ie a ski parka, boots, googles and a hat..then you open the door...you must open it to find a pug dressed for skiing....if he is dressed for bowling...you stay home.
or you might get the "dud" who was defined by his sloppy attire ...an attire that most americans could only aspire to look that polished today.

glad to see your rules require no dress code other than not discussing dress codes....im dressed and ready for our evening...im wearing a satellite dish around my neck...im wondering what kind of date my outfit is appropriate for...other than an evening where i am unable to lick my own..er, nevermind

Pink said...

oh heck, pugsy

why not?

you know i have a weakness for your 'insider' trading!

xx
pinks

GirlGoyle said...

If you can actually knock someone up on a virtual date....you got some serious guiness book of world record swimmers!

Ok...so no calls, no pics, no shoe talk, no man bashing. Mind any of the texting?

Punny Yumpkin said...

A virtual date. Fabulous way to get the girl of your dreams and remain AIDS free. Good thinking, Puerileuwaite. STOMP!

puerileuwaite said...

She - Alas, you evoke painful memories of women winning yours truly in card games. But I suppose it's my own damned fault for falling in with the wrong crowd.

And not to worry on your attire. The dish is a perfect metaphor, since you ARE a dish. Plus it will keep you from stopping my advances as the night moves on.

***

Pink - That's the spirit! Dates with me should hold no one accountable, and I think I have THE attractive vehicle for you to invest in.

***

Girlgoyle - My swimmers would've led the vast armada on D-Day to take those beaches in record time.

Texting is okay, but only to each other. That way we won't annoy each other; only the wait staff and our fellow diners.

***

Punny - You vaguely remind me of another blogger of a different color. And how did YOU know that the girl of my dreams is one I can admire from afar?

Enemy of the Republic said...

Pug--I'm pregnant! I think it's you. My husband, oh no--Pug, be a father to my child!

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Are you SURE it was me? While I did mention that I have excellent swimmers, they DO tend to stick to short laps back and forth.

Besides, the local Catholic parish asked me to be a father first, so you see, I'm already committed to a life of semi-celibacy.

Crashtest Comic said...

it's my freaking birthday!

It's Me... Maven said...

Rohypnols? Can't date rape the willing, Pugster!

Scary Monster said...

with all sexual activity going on in these comments it's no wonder that there be no new post. Yer keyboard must be all sticky and crusted over by now.

STOMP!

Pink said...

Here's a handiwipe. You've had your twenty minutes to nap after all that 'relief'

New Post!

C'mon...I know you can rise again to the challenge.

;)

xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - That's another thing I don't like to hear on date!

***

Maven - I need to add that to my list of questions to ask when planning the date.

***

Scary - Just real busy these days (though my keys DO get sticky ... how did you know?).

***

Pinks - Gee, those handiwipes ARE very handy! Enough of them, and I don't even have to bathe. I've been maxed out lately with non-blogging stuff, and will post (and visit) as soon as I can. Thanks.

Crashtest Comic said...

lol

Pink said...

what is 'non-blogging' stuff?

how come I don't have any?

;)

Hope she put out.
xx
pinks

Sassy Blondie said...

Still waiting, Pugsly dear...

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - Another year older and wiser, my friend. Nothing wrong with that (well, except for the "older" part).

***

Pinks - It's mostly work related demands, so yes, unfortunately you do, too.

And unfortunately "she" said she needed to save her libido and energy for blogging.

The good(?) news is that I've started my next couple of posts in my tiny brain. Now I just need to find the time and reserve power to publish them.

***

Sassy - Wow! Normally whenever a hot blonde is patiently waiting on yours truly, it's because she either needs my parking spot or my bar stool. Oops. You said "patiently" waiting. Okay, so I've never had a hot blonde patiently waiting on me for anything.

she said...

still with the date? thats another one of MY pet peeves the date that never ends...lemme just make this one quick stop.....oh wait, how about a nightcap??? oh look...theres a cute pair of red wing telephone linemine boots...grrrherhahah


i was hoping for a post on the pug's run for the presidency and who your cabinet might be....however you may be the type to uncurl your tail at the last momement and throw a wrench into the party's monkey.

maybe as an independent?

i stole some campaign posters for you ....and was hard to do with a satellite for a necklace *sniff* check your mail and get busy

Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, I just had the ultrasound and they said it was a virtual fetus conceived on a virtual date. So that's why I thought of you. Fine, my husband will divorce me for virtually sleeping around.

Crash is a fine addition to your posse.

Party Girl said...

Religion, I can handle that conversation, all the others, yeah. Let me down my martini why I try and think of an appropriate first date answer.
Except for the "my last ex..."...I so don't care. I don't talk about mine, don't talk about yours. There is a reason they are an ex, that's why you're on the date with me. Duh.

puerileuwaite said...

She - I would never want OUR date to end. So consider yourself forewarned. And yes, thanks to your efforts, I AM considering a run for the Presidency. I just need to construct a platform that is worthy of my platform shoes. Oh, and I LOVE the posters! But if you think my blogging has been neglected, you should see my inboxes ...

***

Enemy - Well in that case I would like to refer to you as the Virtual Mary!

***

Party Girl - That is why you and I are like peas and carrots! We think the same. Exes SHOULD be off-limits. Don't ask, don't tell. Besides, my job is to make you forget that you ever had an ex, and vice-versa.

/t. said...

dude,

happy halloweening

/t.

Sassy Blondie said...

Good GOD, Pugsley! Write something new already...! XOXO

CruiserMel said...

Pugman - I'm sorry I mentioned my last shoe-shopping expedition and played games on the cellphone. I didn't realize I'd hurt you so much that you had to blog about our date and now, you've been gone so long... people will start to blame me. So sorry, I'll leave the phone behind for the Christmas party. Appropriate slutty shoewear will not be an option though. Ya game?

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Thank you. It WAS happy. I went as a Priest, and people ACTUALLY believed that I was one! Score!

***

Sassy - Are you saying that my posts DON'T have an infinite "shelf-life"? Well in that case, okay. I'll do it! Tomorrow at the latest ... maybe.

***

Cruisermel - You have ruined me for other women, and I mean that in the best way. But since you've owned up to it, I suppose I can go on ... not only with living, but also with blogging!

cathy said...

I love this blog.

It makes me feel less guilty about how infrequently I post.

LOL.

she said...

frustrating! how dare you have a life?

Scary Monster said...

Hmmm, seems like me has read something like this before.

STOMP.

/t. said...

this post
makes donald
trump seem young

/t.

Pink said...

Have you seen that movie Groundhogs day?

Every time I click on your blog lately, I'm reminded of that film.

NEW POST!
xx
pinks

Little Lamb said...

I agree totally with Cathy.

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley, darling, if you can't keep your promises about a blog post, then how is this relationship ever going to work? Hmm? Without trust, all we have is sex and tv...

MyUtopia said...

I don't think I ever played that board game.

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - It's not how often we have it; it's how good it is once we do.

***

She - Make up your mind! First I'm told to get a life; now I'm told it's a problem having one. Jeez, lady!

***

Scary - Wha? Who's been stealing my crap?

***

/t. - Maybe. But is "The Donald" as rich as this post?

***

Pinks - I love that movie. That puts me in some fine company!

***

Lamby - You KNOW the rules. We are NOT to encourage Cathy in any way, shape or form.

***

Sassy - As long as we have sex and TV, who needs work? But then, I TRUST you knew that already ...

***

Myutopia - For some reason, me neither. The commercials were hilarious, though ...

"Is he a DREAM?" (The cutest girl opens the door, and the date looks like the "Preppie Killer". The rest of the girls sigh ...)

...

"Or ... is he a DUD?" (The plainest girl opens the door, and the date looks like a tall Charles Manson. The rest of the girls let out an "ughhh" ...)

There was even a catchy jingle that went with it. Good times, good times ...