Saturday, December 22, 2007

Black Bart


Howdy folks!

Pull up and rest a spell, as I introduce you to the baddest gunslinger these parts have seen in quite some time. Ladies and gents, meet Black Bart.

Chapter I: The Early Days


They say the storm came out of nowhere that January morning when Black Bart made his first appearance. Most folks had never before seen both snow and lightning all at the same time, except perhaps during one of Lamby's Wicca Rituals. There wasn't the instantaneous bonding between a mother and her child that you so often learn about from the Hallmark Channel, but Rosemary had remarkably flexible standards and did eventually adapt to her son after little time had passed. And he in turn took to her breasts as if he had already known of their usefulness from past lives, or perhaps from an innate awareness of the postings on Limpy's blog.


He brought into this world a head of hair as black as Sassy Blondie's heart, and it wasn't long before his body was covered as well (perhaps this was how he differed from Sassy, perhaps not). It was around this time that he acquired his nickname, though it had yet to strike fear in the hearts of both the evil and innocent the way it does today.

If judging by appearance alone, Black Bart was a handsome and appealing young lad, pure as an Altar Boy, and unfortunately for his innocence, just as deferential to authority figures. But there was always an uncertain uneasiness about him. You see, he had a knack for taking an innocent rite of rural adolescence, and twisting it into something perverse or sadistic.


He would earn pennies by shoveling the neighbors' steps and walkways, just for them to subsequently discover - at the most inopportune moments - that their outhouses had completely been filled in with the removed snow.

Oh sure, lots of youngsters would steal the occasional apple pie from the window ledge where it had been left to cool. But only Black Bart would leave the pie in place, carefully extracting only the filling and placing a rat trap under the undisturbed top crust.


Other times he would wear a cap that he turned slightly sideways, and head down to the train depot with his shoeshine kit. Looking like a hapless orphan, he would dupe travelers into 5-cent shines. Often they would tip him a few pennies more for the mirror-like gloss he would coax out of their footwear, only to realize that he had used a razor knife to score the leather so that it would separate from the soles after a half-dozen steps.

And did anyone ever again trust the rope swing by the watering hole after Black Bart was through stringing grids of barbed wire (stolen, of course) beneath the water just far enough to not be seen from above?

The Annual Barn Dance was always THE social event of the season to look forward to, that is, UNTIL Black Bart. What compelled him to lace the punch with laxatives and nail the restroom doors shut? And wasn't that enough to satisfy him? Was it really necessary to pile manure in front of every exit and stampede the horses through as well?


What inspired him to convince the chubby kid down the road that he should carve his own baseball bat out of that lightning-damaged hickory tree? Was it a rare case of encouragement and friendship? Perhaps we will never know, as the same bat - soon after its creation - was later found at the scene of a grisly crime, covered in blood. The chubby kid was quickly convicted and sent away to do hard time at Pelican Island, and hasn't been able to speak since.

Maybe this final "attempt gone awry" to "reach out" to the community and make a positive difference is what finally turned Black Bart onto the dark path of outlaw and gunslinger. Your guess is as good as mine. This will give you something to chew on until our next chapter. Until then, keep your weapons holstered, but keep on the lookout for that desperado known as Black Bart.

.

58 comments:

Enemy of the Republic said...

More facts on Black Bart:

1. Like all animals, he has a soul.

2. He has mastered the art of soul travel.

3. He is an old soul; he has lived many lives, some as dog, some as human, some as bear, some as homegrown weed.

4. He was my lover in one of my past lives. I was a mere wench of 15. Black Bart was my first.

5. Only Black Bart and I know what form he took during those days of passion AND WE AREN'T TELLING!!

Merry Christmas, oh Pugster.

Now let's see /t top that one!

/t. said...

real
facts
about black bart:

contrary to the beliefs of some, black bart has no soul -- he is the illegitimate and ungodly spawn of a demon spirit in the form of a horse and a fifteen year old crescent wench...

<3 enemy ¤ ¤ ¤ ;)

/t.

she said...

another black bart fact: he received marty feldman's eyes in a transplant. thank God for donor cards!

merry christmas!

Corn Dog said...

Another fact about Black Bart - he is totally hugable. I'm setting him a switchblade for Christmas, the little cutie pie.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sassy has a black heart??! You can't talk that way about the woman I love!!! The woman sent me baked goods, for chrissakes!!! I don't see your sorry ass sending me baked goods!!!

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley-You wound me deeply with such a barb! If it weren't for that cute dog, I might have left the post immediately following your assertion that I have a black heart.

And by the way, how could you ever come to such a conclusion? Enquiring minds want to know...

(Dyckiepoo, gimme a lil sugar for being so sweet!)

Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, She, he didn't have Marty's eyes when I knew him. But I did have to go through an involved past life regression to remember those splendid days with him.

/t: Remarks such as yours show that Black Bart has always suffered from THAT accusation--that he is demonic and satanic. Yes, Black Bart has committed some cruel acts. But I tell you, he is a kindhearted...well, in this incarnation, dog. His deeds are often a result of feeling so misunderstood. Pug explained it well.

Oh, /t, he wore a condom, so no little Black Barts were birthed from me.

Pink said...

Another black bart fact or two:

1. he DOES have a soul and its zebra striped cuz even like his daddy, he's got some pure bits too...but don't tell anyone.

2. he likes to nibble my kibble and bits

3. he's quite kissable

Happy Xmas BB and Pugsy!
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Wow! It seems most of you know more about Black Bart than I do. I certainly didn't envision that possibility.

***

Enemy - As always, you are BEYOND simple perception. Might I add re: #2, that he DOES take the "Soul Train" when traveling, and often wears a giant "fro" in order to travel "incognito". Also, re: #4, legend has it that this is how he first ran afoul of the law. Finally, re: #5, some have claimed that he appears as Merv Griffin, but those sources are "dubious" at best.

***

/t. - "Chapter II" will help validate your claim of no soul. But nothing makes him more rabid than when folks refer to his first love as a "crescent wench", and suggested they all "get bent".

***

She - Excellent observation on the eyes. And in homage to the great Marty Feldman, he is planning to do a remake of Marty's remake of Beau Geste.

But that is not all he inherited, so when you see him sporting a hump, please try to ignore it.

***

Corn Dog - How did you know? Some folks just have a knack for picking out the perfect XMAS gift. In fact, when Elton John sang, "a couple of the sounds that I really like, are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike", THAT was a reference to Black Bart. Now all we need is someone to pony up a motorbike (he already has the leather jacket).

***

Mighty D - Relax. It was simply her turn for some mention and harmless teasing. What happened to Karla? Oh, and have you ever tried to actually bake metallic objects (razor blades, needles, safety pins, et Al.) into cookies? They sink right to the bottom of the sheet.

***

Sassy - Au contraire, my pet. I adore you, despite sharing your "cookies" with other bloggers. Hence my playful teasing at your expense. And yet, I didn't even get to dance the Lambada once with you while you were in town. For shame! But I forgive you, because love and forgiveness are unsufferable, oops, inseparable.

***

Enemy - This is further proof that you are truly on a higher plane of consciousness. Most regression testing only reveals the "false positive" of an alien abduction and probing experience. You are one of the few to recall that it was actually a Black Bart encounter of the 4th (and perhaps a 5th) kind.

It takes a woman to first understand Black Bart, in order to tame him. Not that it's possible, but it is considered a prerequisite (and worth 1-Credit Hour at many a Junior College).

Fear and loathing often stem from jealousy and unfamiliarity, so find it in your heart to forgive /t., if that is an option for you (for many, it is not).

Finally, Black Bart tends to take advantage of the darkness (of both his soul and the room itself) by "claiming" he's wearing a condom. So you may want to get tested.

***

Pinks - Good points (ESPECIALLY #2 ! Though most gals prefer #3 be done first). And might I point out that his soul is symbolically "zebra-striped", as he sees himself as a referee of sorts, in assessing and punishing worldly infractions.

Merry XMAS!

Party Girl said...

Adorable!!!

Black Bart is a one-of-a-kind, gunslinger!

Course, I'm partial to pugs.

Little Lamb said...

I don't know anything about Black Bart. The dog in the picture is adorable. Can I have him?

Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, Pug, it was all in a past life, so the counselor and I uncovered no itty bitty Barts. This took place in England--15th century--no testing available. But I did die at age 23, a common fate for a peasant wench of that time. No, I don't blame Black Bart--if anything, he gave me something to live for. We women are fools for the bad boys, even in dog form.

/t rocks as you know. He is just wrong about Black Bart or perhaps his past life experience with him was one of a hostile persuasion.

/t. said...

(             )
  ¤ ¤       •
    ¤ ¤ ¤ ·
      × • ×
      · ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤
    •     ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤
  •        ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤
(t.       ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ )

Pink said...

Happy Kiss Mouse!
xx
pinks

leelee said...

Merry Christmas Puggles!

HUGGLES!!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl - Now you tell me. All this time you've been attracted? Think of all we could've done together during the past year and a half!

***

Lamby - Brace yourself for what I'm about to say ... are you sitting down? THAT'S BLACK BART!!! He's like the Ted Bundy of Pugs ... only multiply the evil by 10!

***

Enemy - Women like the bad ones? Who knew?

***

/t. - Cool. Looks like a giant ribbon.

***

Pinks - You too! It's good to have you on the "proper" side of the globe for the holidays.

***

Leelee - You too, my friend!

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley-I knew you didn't mean it! I just KNEW it! ;)

Merry Christmas! XOXO

Pink said...

how's black bart doing in all that snow?

oh and your team beat my team at hockey this week

Fluke!

;)

hope you had a lovely Christmas sweetie!
xx
pinks

limpy99 said...

That dog looks far too innocent to be spending any time at my site, but maybe he's just trying to improve his geography.

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy - Of course not. I gotta be cruel to be kind, baby.

***

Pinks - I saw that (3-1). Yay. And we're getting even more snow today. D'oh!

***

Limpy - Don't let him fool you. The pictures are misleading. He only LOOKS clean-cut and innocent.

cathy said...

Oh! Bad boys are sooo GOOD!!!
I'm not giving up my secrets about Black Bart, except to say it takes a special kind of woman to make that baby drool.

Happy Holidays Pug:)

Pink said...

Black Bart's paws must be all covered in the white stuff. Mine are too. I had the joy of driving for 2.5 hours last night for a trip that normally takes an hour. I'm not so worried about me - having driven in Whistler and Toronto and Montreal - except that I was driving a rental Ford which likes to skate across any type of precipitation. But Vancouver drivers?! Maniacs!

Hope you're having a good and RESTFUL and REJUVENATING holiday. Even BB looks tired trying to keep up with your schedule :)

kisses
xx
pinks

Little Lamb said...

Does this Black Bart belong to you?

Serena Joy said...

I'll be on the lookout for the desperado Black Bart, but if I catch him I plan to smother him in hugs and smooches. And I ain't giving him back, no matter how big the reward is. How impossibly cute is he?!

Happy New Year, Puggy.:)

Crashtest Comic said...

Black Bart looks like a vicious attack dog if ever I saw one.

Michael Vick will be out in a couple of years...

Sic 'em, boy!

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley, darling, I want a New Year's post. You need to get right on that, k?

And you must give me that dog. I'll straighten him out...he'll be eating out of the palm of my hand in no time.I got skills..

XOXO

Pink said...

Ya!

New Year's post!

xx
pinks

/t. said...

           ×
   (         ×
      ¤ ¤ ¤ ×
        ¤ ¤ ¤ ×
          ¤ ¤ ¤ ×
             2 0 0 8
    ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ×
  ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤     × ¤
¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤         × ¤
              ¤             ×  )
           ¤
         /t.

Pud said...

Ahhh...you got a another cute little doggie!

cathy said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR PUG!

puerileuwaite said...

Happy New Year, everybody! Unlike some of you who have hangovers this morning, I do not. So Yours Truly gets to go skiing! Be back later ...

Party Girl said...

Well, I like to keep the boys guessing...and chasing my tail.

GirlGoyle said...

Black Bart Rocks! Hope you had a wonderful New Year!

Pink said...

woo hoo skiing!

I'm jealous :(

Have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xx
pinks

Pink said...

Does Black Bart ski too?

and...do you use two skis or four (one for each paw?)

xx
pinks

leelee said...

swoosh!! How fun..

That black bart is cute as anything..

I want to squeeze him....

Happy New Year Puggles!!

HUGS!!

Sassy Blondie said...

All right, Pugsley! You got two options:

1. Give me that cute dog.
or
2. Write something instead of living the life on the slopes!

ENOUGH of this TORTURE!

Pink said...

I've come to a conclusion

Pugsy has some bitch on the slopes and the pup has one too.

Only a real girl could keep the pug from all these sexy vixens filling his box with longing.

Come on Girls. We'll get her. We'll rig her bindings!
xx
pinks

/t. said...

pug,

thinking
you might want
to post something new here as the crowd grows restless... and that troublemaker pinks is busy trying to round up a lynch mob -- just saying

/t.

leelee said...

yeah, what pink said!

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - That is exactly why I pattern my life after those you see on "Cops". Not so much for the trailer park lifestyle, but more for the attitude, baby.

***

Pinks - Work has been a cruel mistress, without any of the romantic benefits.

***

Lamby - Technically? Yes, he does. But don't tell him that. It makes him angry.

***

Serena - Redheads are kryptonite to him. Also, women in general. In that way he is like the original Pug. So I make a point of forcing him to watch "Samson and Delilah" at least once a week, so he is on his guard for women and Philistines (in that order).

***

Crash - I can't even walk with him past the Vick's Vapo-Rub display at the local Walmart. V is for Vendetta where Black Bart is concerned.

***

Sassy - Soon, my pet. You know the drill: the new post is already written in my tiny brain. It's just finding the time and energy to post it (hopefully tomorrow!).

Black Bart wants to know if - technically - it HAS to be your hand, or can he choose the body parts to eat from? He is claiming that this is how he invented the "Lazy Susan".

***

Pinks - Okay, I'll see what I can do this weekend (maybe), my little Nanook from the North.

***

/t. - Okay, I give up. That looks like a noisemaker, am I right?

***

Pud - It was either that, or wait for you to come back. But often do women run off and actually return? So I played it safe.

***

Cathy - Same to you, sexy!

***

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl - Would you at least make it less challenging by choosing a multiple choice answer format, and grading on a curve?

***

Girlgoyle - I KNEW you would like him. Same to you! I'm right there in Italy with you in spirit, so don't do anything I wouldn't do.

***

Pinks - I did! It was a blast! Black Bart needs FIVE skis (I think you can guess why).

***

Leelee - Me first! Me first!

***

Sassy - You are way too kind. Most people consider it torture when I DO provide some new crap to read. Maybe I can allow weekend visitation rights, but not for Black Bart ... for ME.

***

Pinks - No woman could tame the Pugster. You ought to know that by now!

***

/t. - Well, if it HAS to come to that, I want them all to be topless and chase me off of a cliff, just like in Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". That WOULD be one preferred way to go.

***

Leelee - It's possible YOU could tame this Pugster, if it wasn't for that darn husband of yours and his mad dancing skillz (and Lord knows what else ... I don't even want to think about that).

puerileuwaite said...

Anyway, I've been a bad blogger. So I will try to make up for it this weekend by finally completing my rounds and - who knows? - maybe sling out a new post and see if it sticks to the wall.

leelee said...

P- just knowing you are out there...reading the comments left on your blog and relpying to us are ALMOST enough...almost..

(((((((((((((((PUG))))))))))))))))

you've been virtually squuezed ;-)

Pink said...

Almost.

But not quite.

Better make your rounds mutley or you'll get squeezed by me too! I've got a gaggle of vixens about to rig every girl's bindings on that slope. And their little dogs too!

Oh and /t - stop being a tattle tale or we'll flip you by your moustache!
xx
pinks

GirlGoyle said...

"so don't do anything I wouldn't do...."

ahem...you may want to qualify this response cuz you sure leave a ton of open doors....I'll at least try not to follow in Black Bart's example and behave myself a little less like a rascal.

Enemy of the Republic said...

The forces of evil surround me. I need Black Bart to defend me. Here, doggy doggy.

The Phosgene Kid said...

He was always quiet, a loner, we never expected him to do that...

Quotes taken shortly after Black Bart went Columbine on his obedience class...

Pink said...

you know black bart is looking a little frowny in that first photo. i think even he is getting tired of standing there.

i'd get a new post up before bb goes postal!
xx
pinks

she said...

im waiting..............for the candidate..........i can believe in and OBEY!!! grrrerhahahahaha! meaning.....wheres your platform...and im not talking about those white patent leather shoes in your closet. grrrerhahahaha

NYD said...

I think it's a good thing that you have a new friend.

Bart is beautiful and I hope he stays that way despite your zany influence.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - At least I can still do that (read comments). I just haven't been able to do much of anything else lately. And again, it's not for lack of wanting to. Fortunately I am NOT "Charmin bath tissue", so squeeze away!

***

Pinks - Awwww, nothing says "love" like inspired / implied threats of violence! I am totally enjoying this different side of you! Maybe I bring it out in women. ;-)

***

Girlgoyle - That is actually a very sound strategy. My antics there would likely be a more risque version of "La Dolce Vita", and rest assured NO ONE would want to use that fountain after we were done with it. Also, Black Bart INSPIRED the "Spaghetti Western", so - while he IS revered by the Paisans - it is wise to not follow to closely in his pawsteps.

***

Enemy - I'm here to assure that you are NOT alone in this time of crisis. You see, the forces of evil are ganging up on me, too! We're in this together babe. And if by chance, you free yourself first, please come to MY rescue!

***

Phosgene - He explained that episode to me. Turns out, he thought the class was to teach others to be obedient to him. And so he was outraged when he found out different. Still, I should have realized that you don't need those many weapons and propane canisters for a simple B-B-Q* (* the reason Black Bart provided). Maybe I should have been a better foster parent and mentor to him. Oh well.

***

Pink - It's much too late for that. I think we're ALL past THAT point! The good news is that I have yet another post written in my head, so now ALL useful knowledge has been effectively displaced. The bad news is how work has really gotten crazier, thus further putting a damper on my blogging efforts.

***

She - Soon ... the world will be ours ...

So in the meantime, might I recommend repeated listenings of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing", along with some reddish wine, preferably from twist-off containers, mixed in with some "Ring My Bell" by Anita Ward? That should help us keep our eyes on the prize, until I can make the "big announcement".

***

NYD - Don't let him fool you, my friend. He is not all that different from the Kevin Spacey character in "The Usual Suspects". He's like a Chevy Nova that looks stock, but actually has a Nitrous Oxide kit. In fact, I heard a rumor that role was based on Black Bart. So it's important not to be the usual "open and trusting" New Yorker, and to keep your guard up instead.

***

Everyone: I am trying to find some way to post - and visit all of you - soon. Honest. Thanks for not giving up on me just yet.

leelee said...

Puggles...whenever you can....ok...ASAP

:-)

Pink said...

grrrrrrrrrr-arrrrrrr-lllllllll!!!!

Black Bart needs to go out. He's about to leave a 'present' for you right here.

And I'm about to reach through this screen and....
xx
pinks

Kate said...

ahhhhhh Pug... youre sucha proud Papa! ..."He's like the Ted Bundy of Pugs ... only multiply the evil by 10!" No wonder you chose him!

He really looks sweet (especially in the photo where he is looking up to you (as all good dogs should do!)!

Have a great weekend

cathy said...

I can't complain about your infrequent posts, I'm blogging without obligation.

Never seen "cops" as for trailor parks only a rich country like America has such things. Here in Greece poor folks sleep on park benches.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Thy will be done.

***

Pinks - Okay! Jeez, no wonder we had to free ourselves from the British Empire!

***

Kate - You have a point. I suppose he IS a chip off the old block. Cheers!

***

Cathy - They SLEEP in Greece? I had no idea, as the energy there seems to be limitless.

***

Okay, I FINALLY published my latest "masterpiece". Started on 1/7, finished today (1/12), and inspired by my dear Lamby. Hope you like it.

Kate said...

First, thank you for the musical selection while reading... I chose to listen to a bit of lou Reeds Walk on the Wild Side... In honor of the Hilary photo... If I looked like that in pleather I might just have to wear it... to work... out to dinner... to the PTA meetings... Just call me Kat-woman! =]

Oh nice post too! lol