Wednesday, May 07, 2008

At Least One Heart Will Go On


The Pug had become quite adept at using his superior intellect and charms to survive in a world where nothing was given, just begrudgingly earned. And it was no different once he set his gaze on the lofty goal of a new life across the sea in America, where God willing he could perhaps form a crime family and get free produce whenever he wanted from street vendors. That way he could hopefully forget the woman who broke his heart and dumped him for Morissey.


And so The Pug soon made his way to the shore, until he was standing on the dock at Southhampton. It was there that he had the good fortune of bumping into a hippy stoner and his Asian girlfriend, who were trying to get to Holland or France. He quickly ingratiated himself to the unusual couple by complimenting the lady on her highly distinctive singing style, and how it curdled milk.


Possessing their confidence, The Pug was able to get the couple drunk and convince them that he knew the Dali Llama (who was in town for a Zen Blogging Convention), and could arrange for them to be wed by the holy man. Uncertain of how much the ceremonial fee would be, he talked the couple into handing over all of their cash to ensure coverage. He told them to retire to bed and stay there until he returned. Which they did.


The Pug of course used the cash to purchase a one-way steerage-class fare on that morning's White Star Line departure. Soon the couple discovered the cruel ruse, and severely distraught, remained in bed for quite some time. The hippy stoner wryly vowed from that day forward to catch any future supposed admiring loners before they could inflict damage, unless they appeared nerdy and harmless.


But it was too late to stop The Pug. He was on his way to the verdant valleys and smooth peaks in the land of milk and honeys.


The only damper was that steerage left a lot to be desired. It seemed the ship designers neglected to fully extend the bulkheads that separated first and second-class passenger solid waste containment from third-class sleeping compartments. The majority of the Irish didn't seem to mind, but The Pug had acquired a more defined sense of taste, no doubt from his dalliances with London gals. Repulsed by both the stench and the steady menu of potato-based entrees in steerage, he set about moving on up, a la The Jeffersons.


Seeing her for the first time, gazing out onto the water from her promontory high above, both ethereal and stunning as she emptied trash onto the squalid third-class deck and the ocean itself, only increased the urgency of the task at hand. Was it that the sun illuminated her heaving bossum as she proceeded to text persons unknown that so struck his fancy? Or perhaps the impish and delicate manner in which she flipped him the bird as their gazes briefly intertwined? Hell if I know.


It was shortly thereafter that Lady Luck again pitied him in the form of a rare, drunken attorney whose first-class ticket he was able to pick-pocket in the stairwell. Mission accomplished. (Wish there was a huge banner over the bridge to proclaim it, thought The Pug.)

And as it turned out, not only was this good fortune for our intrepid hero, but also for the attorney. Banished to steerage, the now nearly sober defender of justice quickly lined up a number of cases from the all-too-court-familiar Irish. The public intoxication and domestic violence charges alone would keep him busy for the next five years. And of course the first-class passengers were grateful to have one less lawyer at their dinner tables, taking unacceptable percentages of buffet-style meal items and trying to talk their women into accepting depositions beyond the filing window.


The Pug wasted no time exploring the many wonders of first-class. He marveled how they even had a deck just for pooping! Maybe the rich didn't just THINK they were happy. They WERE happy! Good for them. He had just finished his contribution to the aptly named Poop Deck, when he spotted her again. Disheveled, she was standing on top of the rail in her "Lose Yourself in Aruba" t-shirt. Half-consumed jello-shot in one hand, ever-present cellphone in the other, she appeared distraught and suicidal.


The Pug raced to the rail and firmly grasped her around the upper torso. Dislodged, both the jello shot and cellphone embarked on their long journey to Davy Jones's locker, where at least one of the items belonged in the first place. But the ocean would have to look elsewhere tonight in order to quench its insatiable appetite for tourists.

As it turned out, the femme fatale had no intention of jumping. However, as she was cute, he had to error on the side of chivalry and save her regardless.

After the lady was able to recompose and extricate herself from The Pug's firm grip, she realized - even though he was scum - he did have his heart in the right place. And he also appeared to have everything else in the right place, and in the right quantities.


The Pug told her he was an artist, which was all she needed to shed her clothing and demand that he sketch her then and there. To the dismay of some and the amusement of others, they were standing in the middle of a shuffle-puck game at the time. It was soon revealed that the only consistently identifiable image he could draw was that of Snoopy, only in this case Snoopy had tits and a pearl necklace. But she took it well.


Surrendering to their passion, they were soon making love like spider monkeys in heat. There wasn't a vehicle in the cargo hold that they didn't introduce to the soon-to-be "Mile Below Club", nor was there a station in the fitness center left that - in clear violation of the posted placard - didn't still need toweling off after use.


As dusk approached, The Pug took his lady to the stern deck, revealing the lone pair of binoculars that he secretly purloined from the lookout's station. He showed her how to look through them out into the vast expanse of ocean. Then in one smooth motion he embraced her as he casually tossed the binoculars over the side.


Shame, as that very same optical aid was, at that very same moment, being frantically searched for by the lookout.

The loving couple then made their way to the radio room. The Pug was keen on new technology, and wanted to share that passion with his lady. Fortunately the radio operator was at dinner and had not secured the door, so our intrepid hero sat down and familiarized himself with the Marconi apparatus. It worked just like a telegraph, where one pecks out a series of dots and dashes to transmit. Conversely, he could hear received transmissions from other ships through his headphones. One was clearly a greeting from a neighboring ship, the Californian. Mischeviously, Pug tapped out the response: F-*-C-K-O-F-F. Offended, the other operator replied: S-C-R-E-W-Y-O-U-I-D-O-N-T-N-E-E-D-T-H-I-S-C-R-A-P, and logged off for the night.


Bursting into laughter, The Pug and his lady emerged from the room, and sought out more places to defile. It wasn't long before even more ominous grinding joined in unison with their own, as the ship scraped an iceberg that - for some reason - could not be spotted in enough time to take corrective action.


The ship was doomed. To compound the panic, for some reason no one from the Californian would respond to the radio operator's frantic pleas for assistance.


As the ship settled deeper into the water, The Pug and his lady completed their lustful fornication, and sought rescue on the decks above. Knowing that Molly Brown - enormous as she was - could still only occupy one side of the ship, he donned some of Molly's spare clothing in order to board a lifeboat on the opposite side. Perhaps for levity more than any practical reason, he admonished his lady to dress as Charlie Brown, complete with damaged kite trailing behind to complete the look and increase the pity factor.


Unfortunately here is where The Pug's luck finally ran out. He was immediately recognized as too gorgeous to be the actual Molly Brown, and was denied access. Ditto for Charlie Brown, as it wouldn't be fitting for that character to catch a break.


And so the couple calmly awaited their fate on the stern, jumping into the water just moments before the ship slipped into the abyss. The Pug found a piece of wreckage onto which he could hoist himself. Realizing that two people could not fit, he had no choice but to keep his lady at arms length away. It was then that he realized his lifelong penchant for maintaining distance from his women was actually a form of preparation for this fateful night.

Incalculable time passed as The Pug faded in and out of consciousness. He slowly and painfully glanced over to realize that, though now deceased, his lady still had managed to sneak ahold of the makeshift raft. Tenderly caressing her hand and releasing her grip, he gazed into her lifeless eyes one last time as she lightly descended into oblivion. Only then did he realize that his wallet was in her other hand. He could only hope and dream that someday technology would afford him the opportunity to retrieve it.

Just then he heard subtle splashing and turned to see Wilson. No longer was he alone.



.

56 comments:

Little Lamb said...

A new post! And I'm the first one to notice it!

Nice story.

puerileuwaite said...

Thank you Lambycakes. I'm glad you were my first. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

I've been wanting to do a Titanic piece for some time, and FINALLY was able to devote the required time to do it justice.

leelee said...

Thats quite a tale my little pugsly...and darn it if you didn't find out about me and Mozzer.. he SWORE he would never let our relationship be known. He also told me his name was Smith..which I never quite believed.

I never meant to break your heart..as for me and Mozzer..it's over..

HUGS!!

/t. said...

was it
good for you, LL? :)

...

pug, this is... truly... and without doubt... really...

...it's a masterpiece!

i would like to see this stroy made into a big budget hollywood movie with stars like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, and a theme song by Celine Dion(!)

or Charlie Brown and Snoopy, and a theme song by Schoeder(!)

fantastic -- but i have one burning question for you... whatever became of the hapless hippy stoner couple? i can't imagine...

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Perhaps love IS all about second chances. I don't know if it's true, but heard something to that effect while watching the Lifetime channel.

And so I shall forgive you, as I also need your forgiveness for what I almost did. You see, I was going to make you the woman that Pugsly met on the ship, but thought that may be pushing things a bit. ;-)

So maybe love is all about forgiveness.

And you were wise to flee Morissey's evil clutches before it was too late, as I know that his last girlfriend was in a coma.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Thank you, my friend. I want you to consider becoming my agent. We can start by targeting Hollywood producers that are still doing copious amounts of cocaine.

But I would also "settle" for a book deal.

Regarding the couple, it's easy if you try.

leelee said...

Alas my puggles..Love IS about forgiveness, lets agree RIGHT NOW to forgive one another..here..let me stick your finger with this pin..

Yeah.. that Morrissey dude kinda creeped me out.

And most importantly,how did you know about my "Lose Yourself in Aruba" t-shirt. :-/

Little Lamb said...

Yes, /t. it was good for me.

Puggy poo, maybe you could have this made into a movie.

cathy said...

You did the right thing pug. I can only imagine what my life would be like if .... Nah, He swims like a goddamn fish!

Pink said...

oh come on now.

everyone knows that a hippy stoner couple that can't get out of bed would never amount to anything!

I heard they tried to go to New York, but you know the man in the Mac said they gotta go back...you know...they didn't even give them a chance...Christ you know it ain't easy...pug, comeon, you know how hard it can be...the way things were going...they probably crucified them.

Now...aside from those stoners... I'm sorry pugsy, but I used to work in the film business and a story like this...well...its just too melodramatic for the sophisticated American audience.

And Leonardo Di Carprio? Geez...you have a bit of an ego issue there puppy. Who do you think you are? King of the World or something?

xx
pinks

Enemy of the Republic said...

I think your heart will go on. But steerage is the best-all the fun is there. But I do like those little bottles of Grey Goose they give out in first class.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Lol to Leelee! Pug, you are no Leonardo--you are way better. That dude is a donkey's behind.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Wait. I thought love is never having to say you're sorry.

As for the t-shirt, I simply visualized you wearing one in the warm sands and wet surf of Aruba.

***

Lamby - Okay, but I'll need financial backing. How much can you give?

***

Cathy - Even in cement fins? Let's find out. Then I can make my move.

***

Pinks - It needs more violence and explosions ... am I right?

***

Enemy - I would give you a goose, regardless of class, as I couldn't contain myself.

And thank you for the compliment. I'm thinking of playing Howard Hughes in one of my next rolls, but am struggling with the eccentric aspect.

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley, darling, how old ARE you? ;)

But really, I loved it!

/t. said...

i know
it's sick

but i'd really like
to kick wilson in the head

/t.

Little Lamb said...

That depends on if I get to be in the movie with you.

leelee said...

As for the t-shirt, I simply visualized you wearing one in the warm sands and wet surf of Aruba.

That's hot!

Serena Joy said...

Amazing tale! Of course, it might have had a better ending if you'd booked first class passage. This is what happens when you go steerage.:)

cathy said...

such drastic measures may become necessary if the diet of bacon sausage and chips doesn't produce results soon.

I am nothing if not patient.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oops, sorry. The Leo comment was for Pinks. But everyone on this page is a joy. When are you going to have the party and invite us over? You provide the jet; I will make my famous sesame noodles.

Now you know what Grey Goose is, don't you?

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy - I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to go ahead and do it anyway!

And what is the deal anyway? Too young, too old ... who ARE you ... Goldilocks? Trust me, I'm JUST RIGHT, babe.

***

/t. - If you recall from "Castaway", Tom Hanks CREATED Wilson by lashing out at him. So there appears to be a precedent for that type of behavior towards Wilson. Maybe - like red vehicles on the highway - he subconsciously brings it out in people.

***

Lamby - I thought you would never ask! We can be that couple, and by casting you as the femme fatale, maybe we can slip by the censors with an NC-17 rating.

***

Leelee - I aim to please, m'lady. That's one reason I stopped the reference short of any mention of "going Dutch".

***

Serena - I can't help but wonder if the ship would still be afloat today, had I used Priceline and negotiated First Class with William Shatner's assistance.

***

Cathy - Just let me know how I can be there for you. I watch a lot of those crime shows where they almost get away with it.

***

Enemy - Great idea! Been moving on it!

In fact, I've located one of those "vintage" De Havilland Comet airliners that we can use. It was fortunately grounded before it ever had the chance to crash; and I got it for a song.

But I'm taking no chances with my beloved blog buds, so I've heavily insured each of you.

And yes, if that restraining order from the local Rest Home is any confirmation, I know EXACTLY what a Grey Goose is.

Pink said...

/t IS sick. I wouldn't kick poor Wilson. Punch the hell out of him and send him sailing over a net or something like that...ya...sure...

xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Maybe /t. is in turmoil, and simply needs our love and understanding. I know, I know, that's an awful lot to ask from us, so any solace we can send his way is entirely optional.

And any gym coach would be appreciative of your message reminding all of the importance of proper equipment use.

Pink said...

I failed gym in grade nine.

I guess I'm trying to make up for it now.

love and support? phhhhhhhht!

;)
xx
pinks

limpy99 said...

I come back from vacation, wondering why I was relegated to the "Irish" section of "It's A Small World" only to find that it was due to you stealing my ticket!?!?

You, sir, are no gentleman.

GirlGoyle said...

Damn I knew that the movie Titanic couldn't have come from someone's virgin imagination but had to be a depiction of some memorable character's life. You so rule Pug! I wanna be just like you minus the stealing money from the poor Hippie and his chick - that's just uncalled for.

Pud said...

Your creativity never cesases to amaze me.

NYD said...

Hmmm disturbing this sounds very much like an episode of M*A*S*H.

Hawkeye was trying to save "Hot Lips" Houlihan from a mismatched marriage, but then again I could be wrong.

she said...

this post is longer than the movie!

can i be the casting agent? i think alec baldwin makes a great wilson -bloated and full of hot air. for the asian girlfriend: jessica lange. whats that you say? shes not asian? but those eyes! grrrherhahahaha...

btw the lama taught me im just passing through this blog im not "of it" only "in it" briefly as i transcend toward the great blog in the center of the sun.

i am reading this massive story in sections. kind of reminds me of the summer reading list given to school kids. next week: steerage! grrrerhahaha

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Nothing is a permanent failure as long as we remain alive. So I want you to report at 0600 in your gym clothes to my office. We'll start with some light
calisthenics, an up-tempo circuit, then we'll hit the showers.

(p.s. - Sorry /t. ... I tried. And Pinks is a Canadian, too, so I anticipated a warmer response. Must be all of that time spent in England, I'm afraid.)

***

Limpy - Welcome back. I can only hope for your sake, that "It's a Small World" was the actual ride, and not a euphemism for activity involving Mr. Happy.

***

Girlgoyle - Why, thank you. It's important to also show the ladies a softer part of me that is free from embarrassment and social stigma. One that I do NOT have to blame on excessive alcohol consumption. With this post, I just may have pulled it off.

***

Pud - Thank you for your kind praise, and for proving to witnesses that I CAN be complimented on my creativity outside of the bedroom as well.

Perhaps this is what we need to keep you from running off to war zones in order to escape my passionate flanking maneuvers.

***

NYD - Perhaps you are on(to) something. Maybe this IS a case of life imitating art. You see, one of my missions here is to save as many bloggers (especially the females) from mismatched marriages whenever possible; including (and especially) unholy unions with Yours Truly.

***

She - I wanted to reinforce the concept that an ocean voyage (and romance) CAN indeed be long and tedious journeys, especially for many/all of us 21st Centurians suffering intermittently from ADD.

You would make a fine casting director. In fact, you're SO good, I shouldn't have to equip your office with a couch! It would only slow you down.

One suggestion though: I want Jessica Lange as Frances Farmer AFTER the lobotomy ... that should improve the odds of wild monkey* (* note the "King Kong" tie-in!) love with her on my own casting couch.

And just wait until I publish my homage to "War and Peace"! It will be SO long, I don't KNOW when/if I'll get to the peace!

Corn Dog said...

Wilson's scary. Throw that ball back into the sea with the ship

limpy99 said...

We shared a room with the kids. Mr. Happy was on furlough. it's a story almost as sad as your titanic romance.

Get it? "titanic" romance?

I'll show myself out.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Not sure what cowgirl is, but if it is what I think it is, then I voted correctly.

she said...

oh so you know about my casting wall, eh? who do you think advised francis ford copella for the infamous 'sonny sneaks off from the wedding" scene?

i concur with on jessica lange. she should have had a lobotomy not a face lift. grrrerhahaha

i'll be back in 2025 when ive completed reading this post. grrherhahaha

leelee said...

question of the day...you can't know specifically how people voted in your poll...can you?? ;-)

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Corn Dog - You know, you are the second commenter to hate on Wilson. I don't even want to speculate on the reasons why this is so.

Is he that different than you and I? Does he not seek to remain buoyant in a world that is seeking to bump and strike him down at every opportunity?

***

Limpy - No need. If bad puns* resulted in a demand for departure, this blog would have folded long ago.

No sex on vacation? Looks like a bad case of "Space Mountain"*.

(* see what I mean?)

/t. said...

pug,

it might be
his damned eternal
optimism that is most annoying about wilson -- that and his sickeningly cheery smiley face

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Depending on whom you ask, it may or may not involve roping.

***

She - KNOW about your casting wall? Heck, I DREAM about it!

***

Leelee - My official answer is "no". Pending a follow-up verification process, I can only know with ~90% certainty. However in the case of some of my blog buds, I have a pretty good idea already.

***

/t. - Not only that: I've seen on TV the groups of curvy gals that he hangs with. And there's always a lot of sweaty contact. What makes him so damned popular?

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Excellent!!!

Pink said...

ya, ok. I'm with /t...lets kick the heck out of that Wilson. He's too darn cheery.

And Pugsy...I'm not sure I want to go back to grade nine again...can't we just skip the gym class and head straight for the shower? We might find another way to work out after that.
xx
pinks

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
puerileuwaite said...

Sometimes Saintly Nick - Thank you and welcome back!

***

Pinks - It certainly looks like I WILL be able to "proficiency you out" of taking the class over again after all! Plus, you are well on your way to becoming THIS teacher's pet. Well done!

Enemy of the Republic said...

How's life, Pugster?

puerileuwaite said...

Hi Enemy! I can't complain ... "The Man" said I couldn't.

So not being able to complain has really broadened my horizons. I've been watching a lot of classic Disney films, and investing in Hello Kitty wares via eBay.

And you?

Pink said...

yawn...is it morning already?

;)

kisses
xx
pinks

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - I'm afraid it IS morning over here on the cool side of the pond. Did you brush BEFORE those kisses?

puerileuwaite said...

Geez, I need to get my next post out, stat.

leelee said...

Yes puggles..it's time...

for a new post..

HUGS 4 PUGS!!

Little Lamb said...

I like when you come to my blog to visit me. It think its time to kidnap you and put you in a box and take you home with me.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Now I just need to - once again - find the time AND energy to write it. Who knew surviving the Titanic could be so taxing?

***

Lamby - I'd love to. I am ready to be a kept Pug. Where do I sign? I'll even make sure the penguin ALWAYS faces north.

dianne said...

Pugsly my dear, that was amazing, you are amazing, that would make a great movie!

That hippy couple wouldn't have been John & Yoko by any chance would it?

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad to have you here.

Unfortunately I cannot confirm nor deny if it is them, as I am already anticipating litigation from the Titanic Historical Society, American Bar Association and the Aruba Tourism Board. You see, I have learned from the Military Channel on Cable TV, never to fight a war on 4-fronts!

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