Monday, April 28, 2008

Draft Pug on Tap


Hi everybody,

Sorry for the delay, but Yours Truly was on a secret assignment - which only now can be declassified, as the mission is now complete.

No, it wasn't a covert op* (* operation) to Iraq. That was aborted, due to my turban being detected as a towel from Holiday Inn (damn you, corporate branding and defense budget cuts! damn you to hell!).


So instead I served as "Commander-in-Chief" of my own "fantasy" football team.

It was a chilly weekend on the frozen tundra of Lambo field ... wait, actually it was Ed's Sports Bar, and besides, Lamby hates that nickname. Anyway, it was just the boys, as much to our surprise and chagrin there were few obvious females present. Maybe it was all for the best. A drinking establishment is no place for a woman. Still there remains almost three quarters* (* note the football tie-in) of action remaining in that new bottle of Old Spice, so there will be other opportunities to score.


Before I begin, allow me to bring those of you who may be somewhat unfamiliar* (* ladies, Canadians, folks from Detroit) with football, up to speed. In the interest of brevity, I will only seek to explain principles of the draft itself (as those are the only principles I feel comfortable with).

The NFL Draft is an annual event that occurs every April. It consists of 7-rounds, where each team, in order from worst (by record) to best (Superbowl champ) within each round, selects an eligible college player. Once chosen, that team owns the rights to a player (similar in concept to the first blogger kidnapping Yours Truly and possessing exclusive conjugal privileges). The players have no say over which team picks them. It could be the New England Patriots (Pinks), or the Detroit Lions (Crash Test Comic). That is part of the fun and intrigue.


Packaged in with the draft is this unusual and shadowy fellow by name of Mel Kiper Jr., who - not unlike the groundhog - appears above ground once once per year to prognosticate. Here is where I would poke fun at Mel's distinctive hairstyle and flamboyant manner, but I prefer to not wind up in an oil drum or landfill somewhere. This young don suspects Mel doesn't innocently hang-out at the Elks Lodge with his approximately 51-weeks of free time. Unless of course there are Teamsters present.

And I certainly don't want to wind up like this guy (below), with Jack Nicholson camping it up on the big screen as The Pug. Who needs that? Still, I have been discretely informed that Yours Truly(!) will have the inside track for next year's draft if I show up at the Machus Red Fox Restaurant in Bloomfield Township, Michigan, early. And alone. I can't wait!


So now that I have briefed you* (* this time only / from here on out, your panties come OFF during our more common "de-briefing" sessions) with the pre-draft analysis, let's recap how I did:


Round 1: Worried that the Detroit Lions would once again this year snap up all of the good Wide Receivers, I had to strike quickly. In a nod to the immortal Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, I used my first pick on Billy "White Sheets" Johnson. To the casual observer, these two are "night and day" different. "Shoes" is an African-American Houston Oiler from the 1970's; known for his trademark white shoes, flashy persona and blazing speed. "Sheets" white-shirted for the Klansman of the Mississippi Valley conclave, has a knack for finding the seams in coverage, and runs a blazingly crisp cross(ing) pattern. No one is faster at eluding black defensive players as if his very life depended on it; the sheet serves to conceal the sudden zags after zigs, and is there anything more aerodynamic than a pointy hat? Meet the "White Missile*" (* not to be confused with my own "Mr. Happy").


Round 2: Attempted to stay closer to team "needs" with this pick. Deficiencies in several key areas required immediate attention: 1) low percentage of illegitimate children in the red zone; 2) outmuscled by opponents in tittie bar fights; 3) inadequate completion ratio at Playstation; and, 4) uneventful drives. Unfortunately no prospects appeared to meet any of these criteria. So I selected Maurice Clarett as a rehabilitation project instead out of the supplemental (penal) "system".


Round 3: Decided to think "outside of the box" with this pick, trading up to select a NON-promiscuous cheerleader. I'll take the heat for going with "less experience" at a skill position, but hey, that's what practice is for. And it never hurts to have a Tight End who can block against opposing penetration.


Round 4: At this point, it seemed wise to go with the "best athlete available". Which is why I didn't. Instead, I decided to "fill another gap" with this pick. No, I did not choose another cheerleader. There will always be Free Agents for those positions still available up until "last call". Instead, I wanted someone with flair, in order to run the audio in our stadium.

It takes a rare bath-house, er, club-house leader to effectively convert androgynous glam-rock into testosterone-laden anthem as an essential addition to the sporting homophobe's playbook. And per my scouts, there was one clear choice in this area: an aural thoroughbred who seemed to effortlessly hit on exotically eclectic cylinders through "We Will Rock You", "We Are The Champions", and "Rock and Roll, Part 2" twenty-a-day drills. Since Freddy Mercury is no longer on the board, my choice is Gary Glitter and his right-angle penis (see photo below).



Stay tuned for the follow-through on Pug's Picks 5 through 7 !



.

30 comments:

/t. said...

first,
as a canadian,
please allow me to
express heartfelt thanks
for your rambling preamble to this scramble of a post

finally, allow me to remind you of this well known football fact: american football sucks and canadian football rocks -- why? because a canadian will score in 3 passes while a yank needs 4...

HA HAHA AH HAHA HAH AHA HA HA AHA AHAH AHA HHA HA HAH AHA HAHA AHHA AH HAHA AH HAHA HAH AHA HAHA AHAH AHAH AHAH AHA HA AHA HAHA HAH AHA AHA HAH HA HA AH HA HAHA HA HA HA!

( and please, let's not get started on those wacky europeans and their futbol -- what the?!? ;)

/t.

limpy99 said...

Isn't Gary Glitter currently committed to a long-term "contract" with the Cambodian Penal League?

leelee said...

Interesting. My fantasies about football players are nothing like this..hmmmm

:-/

leelee said...

oh and HUGS 4 PUGS!

Little Lamb said...

A post about football. I may have to kidnap you again, so BEWARE!!!!

Enemy of the Republic said...

I know you get bored with this, but LOLROTFLMAO at/t.

But I am a football fan and I am happy to see that you had DA BEARS crew in video, and yes, I do have that accent.

But now that you have posted, I suppose I must do the same, but I haven't felt like it. I haven't even been visiting blogs.

/t. said...

it's
a gift

:)

GirlGoyle said...

where do you find your crazy icons??? geesh man!
How are things?

she said...

grrrerhahahaha! first draft round goes to whoever makes the best looking package on PS2 all madden football.

/t: in futbol all passes are made with feet which may explain the declining birthrate in europe.

of course in atlanta draftees must massacre the kings english and dogs before consideration.

/t. said...

>8---:} )

dali

cathy said...

Oh no! sport.
I looked at the pictures.
Can't bring myself to read about football.

Can't even understand why they call it football when they carry the ball most of the time.

Soccer is the only real football.

Lol, who is going to scream at me first :)

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Well if Doug Flutie can go to Canada and become a star, then truly it must be the promised land for this Pug. Now all I need is to find a Canadian maiden who is willing to marry this pugly American ... but if they only require THREE passes, then maybe I can score.

***

Limpy - So I guess it's true what they say ... all that glitters is not gold. First I had to deal with The Beatles never reuniting, and NOW this. I don't know if I can go on living in a world with no hope of a "Rock and Roll - Part 3".

***

Leelee - Sorry. Maybe I can don my old uniform, and help you out in that department.

***

Lamby - In that case, I'll make sure the door is unlocked.

***

Enemy - Why do I get the impression that /t. could go on a killing spree, and you would LOL? Not that I'm jealous or anything. But I can't help but wonder if this unhealthy level of admiration is how Charles Manson got started?

Curse him for being so damned magnetic.

BTW I would love to hear that accent of yours, as I have one too. ;-)

***

/t. - That is what I was afraid of. Gifts without receipts are more difficult to return!

***

Girlgoyle - If you mean the pix in my posts, I collect all the nutty ones that I come across in my travels, and use them as (in)appropriate. Or, I search for specific ones, based on what I'm looking for in that spot. No mystery there.

Things are going well. Summer is on its way, life is good, and it's getting a little easier to blog again. And you? Drop me a line.

***

She - Now you know why, more than ever before, I avoid Atlanta. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

***

/t. - Hello, dali.

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - That is quite alright. I know there are certain posts that won't appeal to everyone. And in some cases: anyone.

We'll just have to think of some other participatory activity that we both agree upon. ;-)

Little Lamb said...

You may keep the door unlocked, as long as you find your way back to me.

Corn Dog said...

Football? PUG!!!!

cathy said...

I like dancing:)

leelee said...

Oh Pug..I have a thing for guys in uniform - 'cept perhaps prison garb.

football, baseball, Military, Cops.. firemen...oh yeah!

HUGS!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, I guess that would depend on his choice of victims--no,/t., don't do it!


I love my accent, and here it gets a lot of laughs--sometimes I will talk and instead of listening, people turn to each other and repeat it with my accent. I have been called Da Bears so many times, I've lost count. And here in Philly they have accents too!

Sassy Blondie said...

Puglsey, dear, I'm straddling the fence on whether to continue to love you or switch to being offended by your sexist remarks. Some of us ladies know quite a bit about football, and I'm sure we certainly know more than any Canadian!

Ah the dilemma...

/t. said...

LOL
back at enemy

¤ ¤ ¤

/t.

ps -- canadians love it when you yanks talk sassy! <3

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Okay, now I'm lost. I thought I should leave it unlocked so YOU can come over and kidnap ME.

***

Corn Dog - Nothing wrong with mixing in a little sports for variety, is there? That way my readers are exposed to my grittier, more macho side. And I think it is so important to expose as much of myself as possible, despite what "Johnny Law" might think.

***

Cathy - Me too, provided it's a good Tango, slow-dance, or even the Mambo* (* especially the horizontal iteration). Not so much that Zorba "Dancing on the Table" touristy stuff. I'll b right over to show you what I mean, after I'm done "limbering up".

***

Leelee - Now we're gettin' somewhere! I shall leave the prison orange ensemble at home, and show up at your door in a little number from the more civilized McDonalds collection. Just no "could you Super-Size it?" jokes, as they tend to hurt my feelings.

***

Enemy - Not to worry about /t. I'm sure he would go about it the right way. After all, he's not Australian.

I've also heard that they are very tolerant and supportive of their sports teams in Philly.

***

Sassy - Forgive me, mi amor. Oh, not for the sexist remarks; but rather because now I can't stop visualizing you straddling a fence.

But just remember this: only the love of a good woman can change me, perhaps even for the better. So - per David Soul of "Starsky and Hutch" - don't give up on us, baby.

***

/t. - Now I'm worried. I don't know how Enemy will respond to adoration in kind. Between you both, we may have some form of nerdy runaway reaction threatening existence as we know it.





;-)

***

Little Lamb said...

Oh, ok Pug. I'll be right over.

I thought once I kidnapped you, you wanted my door to be unlocked so you could come and go as you please.

Serena Joy said...

Now I know what you've been up to. Sort of. No, I lie. I have no clue. Football? You have fantasies about football? There's usually no football involved in my fantasies. I'm not sure what's up with that.:)

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - No problem there, Little Lambycakes. I bounce back even more than my checks.

***

Serena - Football? Not so much. But I DO admire the athleticism and super attitudes of the cheerleaders. You don't happen to OWN one of those outfits, by chance, do you?

Little Lamb said...

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh! That means if I don't lock you up and force you to stay with me, you'll stay longer.

Serena Joy said...

I believe I do still have a JV cheerleader outfit. Pom-poms, too, if you don't mind ratty and moth-eaten.:-)

cathy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cathy said...

My last comment had a typo, I must have gotten over excited.

Ah yes! The horizontal bop - one of my favourite dances, there's so many variations. lol.

There's a sexy naked woman waiting for you at my place :)

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Oh, not to worry, my pet. I have quite the knack for making it seem a lot longer than it really is.

***

Serena - I KNEW you had it still! A good set of pom-poms never goes out of style. And as long as you feel the same way about me (not minding the rattiness and moth damage), I think we'll both have something to cheer aside from when the team scores. Go, Cougars!

***

Cathy - There are? I only thought there was one. It appears I have much to learn from you, my little Grecian Ginger Rodgers.

(p.s. - I LOVE it when you write in the 3rd person!)

;-)

Zamorano said...

grrrerhahahaha! first draft round goes to whoever makes the best looking package on PS2 all madden football. /t: in futbol all passes are made with feet which may explain the declining birthrate in europe. of course in atlanta draftees must massacre the kings english and dogs before consideration.