Sunday, June 08, 2008

Unfinished Pug

Hi everybody,

Per my last post, you are all aware of my recent infatuation with the Vonage lady. It is with a tinge of regret that this promising relationship has cooled a bit due to several factors:

1) Corn Dog advised me that she is wearing a wig, and as such that is NOT her natural hair. This would make her look just like everyone else;

2) She has yet to acknowledge any of my correspondence or return any of my calls;

3) I worry that, being a nobody, she doesn't consider me to be in her league.

So what is a bright and gifted young canine to do? I suppose I could lower my standards and mingle among the hoi polloi. Oh, please don't take offense! I'm certainly not thinking of any of you fine folks! Most of you live too far away (thank God ... oops, I mean, "darn").

But why should I give up on my dream of rubbing, um, elbows with celebrities? How did THEY become so polished and popular?

It's obvious that I need to do something to get there, as last night's cocktail party would suggest. Normally I wouldn't share the sordid and embarrassing details with anyone, but over the past couple of years I have come to know you - my fellow bloggers - as compassionate and supportive individuals who would never take delight in my misfortune. So here are some of the faux pax that I have yet to completely obliterate from memory via repeated immersion in alcohol:

Mistake #1: Bad fashion and entrance advice. "He walked into the party, like he was walking onto a yacht." This might be "hip" imagery for an early '70's Carly Simon tune, but in retrospect I should've realized that I would look like a total dork. So much for swaggering into the room, wearing Sperry topsiders with no socks, white canvas pants, navy blazer over horizontally-striped t-shirt, and Skipper's cap. And a pipe. Let's just say I didn't get nearly the reaction I'd anticipated.

Mistake #2: Poor powers of observation.
Me: Have you tried the hors'd oeuvres?
She: Yes. They are on this half-finished plate I am holding.
Me: Oh.
She: Well, it's getting late ... for this conversation. (walks away)

Mistake #3: Not having a compelling enough bio.
Me: So what do you do?
She: I just did a spread for Maxim, and my interpretive sculpture exhibit is just about to open at the Guggenheim. And you?
Me: I'm a research consultant for the Nielsen people. I help determine television programming trends.
She: I have to go ... over there.

Mistake #4: Uninteresting / creepy / off topic conversation material.
She: ... and so, there are many intricate layers of complexity to even the most apparently basic forms of abstract art.
Me: I purposely won't listen to The Beatles for long periods of time, because I don't want to take them for granted.
She: I have to go purge now. This little chat of ours should expedite the process.

The evening just became increasingly crueler from there.

So what to do? How can I achieve my goals, and snare the lady of my dreams, all with minimal investment on my part? I suppose the logical approach is to identify (and identify with) celebrities who also lack "traditional" attributes for attaining star power, such as:

1) personality;
2) talent;
3) good looks;
4) charm.

We all know who we would include on our list, and I'm sure many of our choices would coincide. I was going to name a few, but knowing my luck, I would end up bumping into some of them at the liquor store.

Anyway, thanks especially to the insightful advice of my dearest Pinks on how to process these things, I think I know what I need to do. That will be revealed in the followup to this post, which you can expect to see within the next 7-days. I would've included it here, but again, we DO have a few whiners in the crowd who piss and moan about long posts (and - alas - long comments as well).

So ciao for now, mon amis.



Anonymous said...


i see no flaws
in either your personality,
approach, conversational tone, style, or demeanor (in general) -- you strike me as a perfect gentlepug and a real party animal -- what do women really want anyway?!?

we seem to have much in common!

uh oh


she said...

nice outfit thurston howell the third!

the vonnage lady? what happened to the pink haired cartoon esurance motorcycle chick? she was hawt.
my God why didnt you tell the sculptress about your walmart shopper research? your tours of truck stop cuisine? dolt! no wonder youve run aground.


if movie stars are stars by virtue of personality good looks talent and charm how does one explain sarah jessica parker?

Little Lamb said...

Perhaps while I'm putting you in a box I can take you to a celebrity party that we can crash. That way we both can meet famous people.

We'd be quite the spectacle, a lamb and her dog.

leelee said...

whats all the bru ha ha about celebs anyway...they put their pants on just like everyone leg at a time..

They don't hold a candle to Pug!


NYD said...

I didn't even realize that you were supposed to hold a conversation at a soiree. I always believed that posing was the main activity.

Pink said...

me? Insightful? I think you MUST have misunderstood the advice



Corn Dog said...

It's all in the swagger, Pug. I think that impresses the ladies. ANd how about ascots?

limpy99 said...

I think you're missing the most obvious approach, which is a shot to the back of the head and then comfy restraints in a basement rec room.

Might I suggest you start with Lindsay Lohan? I don't think she'll be missed for quite some time.

Note that this approach isn't "legal" or "moral" or in any way "decent, acceptable human behavior", but little things like that shouldn't stop a go-getter like yourself.

Anonymous said...

Oh how I missed you! You must remember when you can't find the person in the room with all the charm, looks and personality... it's ME! JP!

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I've suspected this for quite some time now ... if only ... you weren't ... Canadian. Too much for me to switch sides, I'm afraid. So close, yet so far out of my country comfort zone ...


She - I probably should point out that I've had designs for you to be my Lovey (a k a - Mrs. Thurston Howell III). But as I recall, the original Lovey wasn't nearly as opinionated or abusive. Or lovely.


Lamby - I know this crowd all too well. They would simply dismiss us as "performance art". Then they would embrace you for your 100% wool content, and throw a bucket of blood on me for wearing fur. Let's just stay at home and watch Cinemax together instead.


Leelee - I know. And I keep trying to remind myself of that. But then I recall a feature on E! about how they hire people JUST to put their pants on and off, so they don't have to be bothered with it.

And "speak of the devil", I have been tricked into attending parties where they DID hold a candle to me. They also forced me to stand inside a pentagram, and swear an oath of loyalty to their blogs. They were all wearing masks but some of them reminded me of my current readers ...


NYD - I tried that too. But they started throwing their coats over me. So I had to keep moving. Then Madonna showed up, and started posing alongside me. I didn't want to show up (again) in her next book, so I starting circulating like bad currency. Parties seem to be all about "measures and countermeasures".


Pinks - Au contraire, mi amore. You have taught this "grasshopper" very well indeed. When I'm not distracted by a piano on the roof in this "Mad World" of ours, I do my best to absorb and take heed. Who knows where it will take me? I could even have my own public television special some day ... and for the RIGHT reasons.


Corn Dog - I thought I HAD the right swagger! But apparently it just made everyone seasick. ANd don't get me started on the whole ascot deal. Let's just say they're not the proper statement in a room with ceiling fans.


Limpy - I am so with you on that one, pal. But in this "post-cocoon" stage of my life, I view abducting my dates with the same distain as telling them I'm rich. I want to be like those happy couples in the eHarmony commercials, where she likes me for me, even if I'm good for shit.

Lindsay Lohan? How large of a liquor budget do you think I can support? I WOULD need the Pulp Fiction "gimp" outfit for sure. Probably two (one for each of us).


Anonymous JP - Yay! It IS true what they say: if you love something, set it free. If it loves you, it will come back to you. And I really loved that boomerang as a kid. Until that one day when I became distracted. Love demands attention. Maybe that's why it needs to be set free in the first place.

Alex the Handsome Bloggin' Kitty Cat said...

I am a kitty cat so I am not sure if my experience helps you since you are a doggie, but if girl kitty cats ignore me and my handsome and refined nature, I just ignores them too ‘cause there are lots of pretty girl kitty cats around but only one Alex. OK?

Anonymous said...

aw...It's good to know I can still distract a doggies boomerang! Jmeped.

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Alex - Welcome, buddy! Say hi to your human for me. Unfortunately it seems to work differently for me, being a canine and all. If I ignore females, they attempt to have me neutered. So I'm damned if I do, and diminished if I don't.


Jmeped - You can certainly make it alter direction by as much as 80 degrees! So does this mean you've come back for me in sort of a spin on "An Officer and a Gentleman"? I'll even give you your icon back.

Anonymous said...

Don't expect me to carry you out of that factory you work at, someone needs to pay the gas card bill. You can be romantic during your hydrant brake.

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped!!! It IS you! NO ONE ELSE would write that! So where the hell have you been?

Sassy Blondie said...

Social tards are sexy.... ;)


Anonymous said...

Now that's the homecoming a girl wants to hear! You could have chased after me, but I suppose the public would fall into depression with out their pug.

limpy99 said...

Little Known Fact: Dr. Neil Clark Warren is the Devil and eHarmony exists to create a race of horrific pod people who will consume us all.

I either read that in "The Economist" or dreamed it last night after too many spicy beef chimichangas.

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy - Well then no wonder the ladies weren't takin' the bait ... the social tards were stealing them away! Curse those handsome devils!


Jmeped - Besides, it would've been so pathetic for folks to see yet another pug chasing down the highway after its beloved ... dodging cars and whatnot.

And thanks for the kind words. Normally my very presence gets blamed for their depressions.


Limpy - That is why, now more than ever, we must remain vigilant:

1) of supposed "doctors", especially those who actually ENCOURAGE folks to hook up, and - presumably - mate. In this case, I mean Dr. Neil Warren Clark. To borrow a line (directed at Bill Murray) from the Ghostbusters' nemesis (played by William Atherton): "What exactly are you a doctor of?"

2) of anything that includes a "Personality Profile", as it almost certainly excludesall of us who are forced to make do without;

3) of any service which claims to easily match up someone who closely resembles Uncle Fester or Curly from the Three Stooges;

4) of people who clap on the wrong beat, as witnessed in the eHarmony commercials (and also in Great Britain, I'm afraid).

puerileuwaite said...

Part 2 will be coming soon! Plan accordingly. In fact, comment here to let me know how you plan to plan.

Anonymous said...

i am
to not have a plan
for aforementioned second part

rather, i will permit myself to just live in the moment and allow part 2 to wash over me like the refreshing river mist on a bright summer day, or, the smoke from a flaming barrel of fermenting dog crap, depending on just how worthy this much touted 'part 2' actually turns out to be...


ps: we can only hope that it might contain a quantity of quality canadian content, sadly lacking in an otherwise fine part 1

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Quality Canadian content may be as difficult to locate as Bigfoot. I'll see what I can do.

dianne said...

Oh dearest Pugsy if they cant accept you for the debonair,intelligent,interesting gentledog that you are then they're not worth knowing or pursuing, they are such shallow people! :)

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne -I really, truly appreciate your very kind words of encouragement. Thank you. Mom tells me the same things, but I must admit that I'd rather have YOU on my arm at these types of events than mom.

dianne said...

Well that can easily be arranged dear Pugsy, but what about Lil Lamb and Pinks I think they might be broken hearted! :)

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - No worries there, m'lady, as they are well aware of my "One Woman Per Country" rule* (* actually it's more of a guideline!).

Serena Joy said...

So sorry to hear it's not working out with the Vonage girl. You know, the Progressive girl is kind of cool. Not, perhaps, as cute as Miss Vonage, but she sort of grows on you after a while. Of course, all any girl really wants is that the Pug not pee on the rug, and I'm pretty sure you're house-trained.:-)

Enemy of the Republic said...

Ah, Pugster, I'd talk to you all night. To hell with these soulless females!

Enemy of the Republic said...

LoL at She.

dianne said...

Thats a good rule Pugsy, you little heart breaker, a girl in every port!

dianne said...

I guess you have so much love to give we will just have to share you. :)

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Funny you should mention her, as the Progressive girl is the kooky sort that I could really go for. I just worry about her ability to get serious when it would come to our relationship. But then I remind myself that insurance is a form of gambling.

And not to worry on the rug situation, as I treasure a fine Persian as much as The Big Lebowski. All bets are off with commercial grade, however.


Enemy - You may be just the one to prompt me to swear off soulless females. Might as well swear off any form of alcohol too, as that really seems to attract them.


Dianne - Well as you can see in my response (immediately above) to Enemy, I have sworn off soulless women. This apparently will restrict me to my loyal readers, and perhaps Martha Stewart ( but only if she TRULY is a changed woman) as well. And so begins the shift from quantity to quality. So maybe I can cross some of the "seedier" ports off of my itinerary.

dianne said...

Well dont cross me off your list dear Pugsy, I'm all soul and all woman and I can be your gal in Oz!

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - It's a deal. Rest assured that you are indeed on my list. I'll simply have to kick Toto out of the basket in order to claim my rightful place.

dianne said...

Well I'm not being soulless I can be your 'good friend' in Australia and this is no slight on your desirability but I do have a fear of commitment, you are so popular a gal could get hurt and I have been before, but I dont expect you to give up your other admirers. I think we can all enjoy your company OK. :)

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Don't worry. I get that a lot. Women always seem to have a fear of commitment around me. It makes me wonder if they mean commitment to our relationship, or that they're afraid of being institutionalized if they're caught associating with me.

dianne said...

No Pugsy dear it wasn't a rejection, I just meant that we didn't have to be exclusive, you are free to pursue whomever you want! * (*

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - That clinched it! You are definitely my kind of woman! And your timing is excellent, as every year at the start of (our) summer, I dress up as a priest, put down a few cold ones, and watch "The Thorn Birds". I never make it all the way to the end, because it does tend to drag on (and in these parts, being mistaken for an actual priest, tends to bring the authorities to one's door, usually during the telecast), but that's besides the point. Wait. What was the point? Oh, I know. The point is that I dream of life in the land of the 'roos with the right gal. So thank you for making that dream seem "theoretically" possible.