Per my last post, you are all aware of my recent infatuation with the Vonage lady. It is with a tinge of regret that this promising relationship has cooled a bit due to several factors:
1) Corn Dog advised me that she is wearing a wig, and as such that is NOT her natural hair. This would make her look just like everyone else;
2) She has yet to acknowledge any of my correspondence or return any of my calls;
3) I worry that, being a nobody, she doesn't consider me to be in her league.
So what is a bright and gifted young canine to do? I suppose I could lower my standards and mingle among the hoi polloi. Oh, please don't take offense! I'm certainly not thinking of any of you fine folks! Most of you live too far away (thank God ... oops, I mean, "darn").
But why should I give up on my dream of rubbing, um, elbows with celebrities? How did THEY become so polished and popular?
It's obvious that I need to do something to get there, as last night's cocktail party would suggest. Normally I wouldn't share the sordid and embarrassing details with anyone, but over the past couple of years I have come to know you - my fellow bloggers - as compassionate and supportive individuals who would never take delight in my misfortune. So here are some of the faux pax that I have yet to completely obliterate from memory via repeated immersion in alcohol:
Mistake #1: Bad fashion and entrance advice. "He walked into the party, like he was walking onto a yacht." This might be "hip" imagery for an early '70's Carly Simon tune, but in retrospect I should've realized that I would look like a total dork. So much for swaggering into the room, wearing Sperry topsiders with no socks, white canvas pants, navy blazer over horizontally-striped t-shirt, and Skipper's cap. And a pipe. Let's just say I didn't get nearly the reaction I'd anticipated.
Mistake #2: Poor powers of observation. Me: Have you tried the hors'd oeuvres? She: Yes. They are on this half-finished plate I am holding. Me: Oh. She: Well, it's getting late ... for this conversation. (walks away)
Mistake #3: Not having a compelling enough bio. Me: So what do you do? She: I just did a spread for Maxim, and my interpretive sculpture exhibit is just about to open at the Guggenheim. And you? Me: I'm a research consultant for the Nielsen people. I help determine television programming trends. She: I have to go ... over there.
Mistake #4: Uninteresting / creepy / off topic conversation material. She: ... and so, there are many intricate layers of complexity to even the most apparently basic forms of abstract art. Me: I purposely won't listen to The Beatles for long periods of time, because I don't want to take them for granted. She: I have to go purge now. This little chat of ours should expedite the process.
The evening just became increasingly crueler from there.
So what to do? How can I achieve my goals, and snare the lady of my dreams, all with minimal investment on my part? I suppose the logical approach is to identify (and identify with) celebrities who also lack "traditional" attributes for attaining star power, such as:
1) personality; 2) talent; 3) good looks; 4) charm.
We all know who we would include on our list, and I'm sure many of our choices would coincide. I was going to name a few, but knowing my luck, I would end up bumping into some of them at the liquor store.
Anyway, thanks especially to the insightful advice of my dearest Pinks on how to process these things, I think I know what I need to do. That will be revealed in the followup to this post, which you can expect to see within the next 7-days. I would've included it here, but again, we DO have a few whiners in the crowd who piss and moan about long posts (and - alas - long comments as well).