Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Pug Pitch

Hi everybody,

As lamented in the previous post, it's apparent that I may need some help in boosting my popularity a wee bit. The cocktail party was a disaster, and I suspect it was partly due to not having a reputation that preceded me. I need some legal way to create a "buzz", so the ladies are more concerned with impressing yours truly than addressing their own selfish needs.

I think the answer is that I need a pitchman. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce someone who most of you may be slightly familiar with from various commercials for Oxiclean, Kaboom!, Power Putty, Orange Glo, Orange Clean, Hercules Hangars, and other products. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Billy Mays.

***

HI FOLKS! BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE PUG! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN ON BAD DATES THAT YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO BE OVER? WELL NOW WITH THE PUG, DATES WITH DOLTS ARE A THING OF THE PAST! THE PUG COMES WITH A PATENTED "DUAL CYCLONIC" ACTION WHICH WORKS IN SEVERAL WAYS TO ENSURE THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME! SCHLEPS WHO BREAK YOUR HEART AND YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NEED NOT APPLY ANYMORE, THANKS TO THE PUG!


HOW DOES THE PUG WORK? THE FIRST THING THE PUG DOES IS SHOW UP WITH YOUR FATHER'S FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE, WHICH THE TWO SHARE WHILE YOU ARE GETTING READY! THE BEVERAGE IS TREATED WITH A SPECIAL CONDITIONING AGENT WHICH PRODUCES EUPHORIA AND REMOVES ANY DISTRUST! THE PUG THEN USES HIS PORTABLE, COMPACT ANYTIME DIMMER TO SET THE LIGHTING IN ORDER TO SLOW DANCE WITH YOUR MOM! MOM WILL WANT ONE TOO!


THE PUG WHISKS YOU AWAY IN HIS PATENT-PENDING PUGMOBILE WITH SPECIAL HEATED, VIBRATING PASSENGER SEAT WHICH USES SPACE AGE TECHNOLOGY TO SAFELY HOLD MORE THAN 300 POUNDS!


AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD TO AWKWARDLY FUMBLE FOR YOUR PURSE DURING DINNER FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD TO PAY THE BILL? WITH THE PUG, YOU CAN RELAX AND ENJOY THAT HUGE PLATE OF PASTA! THE PUG COMES WITH A COMPLETE SET OF OTHER PEOPLES' CREDIT CARDS WHICH HE WILL USE TO WINE AND DINE UNTIL YOU ARE BURSTING AT THE SEAMS!


THEN IT IS OFF TO THE KARAOKE BAR, WHERE THE PUG WILL DEDICATE EVERY TUNE TO YOU, LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES AS HE CROONS AND INSERTS YOUR NAME INTO THE SONG! THERE WILL BE NO DOUBT TO ALL OF THE LOSERS PRESENT, ESPECIALLY THE ONES YOU HAVE FORMERLY DATED, THAT YOU ARE THE PUG'S SPECIAL GAL!


AND IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THE DATE TO THE NEXT LEVEL, THE PUG COMES WITH A FULLY-REFUNDABLE INTIMACY GUARANTEE! IF YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED, SIMPLY RETURN THE UNUSED PORTION FOR YOUR MONEY BACK!


PLUS AS OUR GIFT TO YOU, WE'LL ALSO THROW IN AN ENGRAVED SET OF THE PUG'S FAVORITE BLOG POSTS, ALONG WITH A LIFETIME CHAMOIS TO KEEP THEM POLISHED!


ACT TODAY SO THAT YOU DON'T MISS OUT! WITH AN OFFER LIKE THIS, THE PUG IS SURE TO GO FAST!

95 comments:

/t. said...

HA HAHA AHAH HAHA HAH AHA HA HAH AHA AHA HAH AHA HA AH HA HAHA HAH HA AHA HAHA HAH AHA HAHA AH AHA HAH HA HAH AH HA AHA HA HAH HA AHA HAHA HA HA HAH HA AHAH HAH AHAH HA HAHA HAH HA HA HA!

I'M ONLY SORRY THAT I'M NOT A GAL!

/t.

oh, and please tell me that billy is not canadian...

Little Lamb said...

Is this what you would do to go on a date with me?

Does this mean I don't have to kidnap you any more?

Enemy of the Republic said...

Please tell me that Billy is not American.

Pink said...

i think i have to wash my hair that night...

;)

xx
pinks

gautami tripathy said...

Come visit me. After that we see about a date.

:D

Sassy Blondie said...

Gee...I'm, well, overwhelmed! Such promises..

But please, make him stop shouting. He looks as if he'll have a coronary at any minute!


XOXO

dianne said...

Well thats very impressive Pugsy, I was beginning to think that the date also came with your own range of cleaning products. Mmmm to remove any unwanted stains... :)

dianne said...

Pugsy dear, I was just reading your 'sage advice' and can't stop laughing! :)

The Phosgene Kid said...

But wait, there's more...

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I'm not. Don't mean to hurt your feelings, but that moustache would be way too Frida Kahlo, even for this Pug.

No, he's one of ours, I'm afraid, along with:

Billy Jack
Billy Carter
Billy Corgan
Billy the Kid
Billy Goat's Tavern
Billy Jean King

So it would seem that Canada DOES have the edge on us in this vital area.

***

Lamby - This is a family blog with a loyal cult following, so I had to leave a lot of stuff out that would be particular to OUR date. Let's just say you'd be entitled to "V.I.P. Access". So yes, any kidnapping plans are now unnecessary. You're entering the brave new world of "Pug 2.0".

***

Enemy - Brace yourself. You may want to sit down for this ... remember how we were SHOCKED into wetting ourselves (or maybe it was just me) when Sigourney Weaver (in her undies! yeah!) discovered that the Alien S.O.B. snuck into the escape pod with her?

Sure, the undies provided adequate coverage for the Puritans among us; and she WAS able to jettison the Alien into space, so we thought we could FINALLY relax. And THEN we find out there are MORE of them in "AlienS"?

Well, I regret to inform that Billy Mays was born in PENNSYLVANIA of all places! So at one time he was RIGHT THERE in YOUR "escape pod"! And if this plays out similarly, there may be other "colonies" of pitchmen up there, possibly along with Winona Rider. So be careful!

***

Pinks - Darn. Why THAT night? I always seem to have the WORST timing! And I just KNOW that wig will take forever to dry. Maybe I should just come over with my portable Karaoke machine.

***

Gautami - I'm nervous about that arrangement. It's the exact same "First Lesson Free" method that the "Video Professor" used to rope me in.

***

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy - To borrow from Billy's pitch (which was heavily edited to fit the timeslot):

OTHERS PROMISE, BUT THE PUG DELIVERS!

And there's no containing this pitchman. He's a loose cannon!

***

Dianne - Great. I see that a spy must have slipped you the advance copy for the next commercial. I told my producer that this would happen if we didn't pay them and allowed them to live.

I'm glad you noticed and took advantage of the wisdom I've acquired through the years. Most are in a big hurry to gratify themselves and leave. It's good to know you are different.

***

Phosgene Kid - How did you know? That's precisely the line I use at the end of the evening as they're slamming the door ...

Little Lamb said...

Oh Puggy, you're such a flirt. ;- )

leelee said...

all for only 19.95 correct? BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. I'm hoping that if I order within the next 30 minutes (and I ASSUME operators are standing by) then you will send me not only 1 Pug...but 2 Pugs for the same low price...Plus a bonus of some sort..


Well I can dream can't I?

HUGS!!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Pug, being born in PA doesn't make him an American, but it does mean he supports prohibition or at least governmental control of alcohol. Try buying booze in this state--it's all regulated, you can only buy in state stores, only a few are open on Sundays, you cannot buy 6 packs only cases and kegs, the state has a separate juristiction on enforcing liquor laws, and someone in Harrisburg is getting lots of kickback cash from the liquor industy. So tell that to Mr. Mays--maybe that's why he got out.

Boy, talk about going off on a tangent. I hope he isn't trying to be McCain or Obama's VP?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - A flirt? This is just me being natural. If the ladies dig it, then color me flattered!

***

Leelee - Trust me, THIS operator is ALWAYS standing by. And I work so efficiently, you'll THINK there's 2-Pugs. The bonus is the multiple Kabooms! I'll throw in for no extra charge.

***

Enemy - Jeez, I had no idea! One would be better off getting between a bear and her cubs than between some of us and our booze! Now you have me starting to wonder if Pennsylvania FORCED the Amish into that lifestyle.

NYD said...

You actually got Billy's autograph?!?

Ohhhh lucky Pug, lucky!

limpy99 said...

Billy Mays sure is one loud Amish man.

Wait, not everyone from Pennsylvania is Amish?

I must have been shaken by the idea of having Billy Mays following me around and annoncing my every move with the same vigor he brings to the prospect of scrubbing my floors to cornea-piercing brightness with the miracle of Mop-N'-Glo. -shudder-

puerileuwaite said...

NYD - It sure wasn't easy. The man was clearly annoyed by me loudly breaking the relative calm and intruding into his TV viewing.

***

Limpy - Well if yours truly had his way, everyone from Pennsylvania WOULD be Amish. Think of the benefits! No more obnoxious sports fans. They'd also put that lazy groundhog to work pulling a mini-plow instead of coming out to see his shadow - just like that one loser everybody knew in their 20's - once a year. Finally: no more Rocky sequels.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I do not feel like reading or responding to your blog.

JMEPED said...

You had me at vibrating seat warmer. As long as I don't have to pack your lunch again. I'm out of tin foil and bananas...

puerileuwaite said...

MD - Um, okay.

***

Jmeped - Well in that case I'll settle for your milkshake in the car!

JMEPED said...

Cause my milkshake's better than yours, and it does bring all the boys to the yard!

puerileuwaite said...

I like that video! And I'd HOPE your milkshake's better than mine, otherwise I need to find another passenger. Plus as long as I manage to stay out of prison, the boys in the yard shouldn't be a concern.

Corn Dog said...

Pug, your spokesperson is doing steroids or snorting Kaboom up his nose. One of the two. He's shouting and hyper, not good for trapping the opposite sex, unless of course they are shouting and hyper.

puerileuwaite said...

Corn Dog - Good point, and thanks for the warning. No friggin' way do I want to START OUT with a shouting and hyperactive female. I'll make them that way in due time.

GirlGoyle said...

Looks like you have decided to go for the big guns!

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle - I pull out the big gun whenever possible, though not nearly as often as I prefer. Still, if you know your battle tactics, then you understand the importance of artillery in the effective deployment of personnel.

JMEPED said...

Thanks for putting me back on your naughty list.

puerileuwaite said...

Trust me. You've ALWAYS been on my naughty list.

dianne said...

Have a happy Summer Solstice little Pugsy! xoxox

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Thank you for the reminder, m'lady! Even though I do have it set as a recurring Microsoft Outlook calendar appointment, I almost completely forgot.

And if I don't dance naked in front of a campfire tonight, nor help the townsfolk pick out a tourist to sacrifice (so that our fall harvest will be plentiful), there will be little point in doing it again on December 21st.

Whew!

dianne said...

Well my dear I was thinking it would have been fun to pop over to Stonehenge for the festival, I would wear my embroidered flowing muslin dress (see through), garland my tresses with flowers & ribbons and we could go dancing through the meadows together. I dont think it is quite as pagan as it once was, I dont believe they sacrifice virgins or tourists any more to ensure the coming harvest,though we might have a few problems with those Druids, they get a bit 'ansty' about people trampling all over their ruins!Lol :)

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Sorry, but well have to pick an alternate location for that, perhaps in the Black Forest.

The rental agency at Heathrow neglected to reserve the Range Rover I requested. Plus the Stongehenge people are still upset by my recent book, "Dominoes of the Gods".

puerileuwaite said...

Wait. Did you say "see through" ?

Enemy of the Republic said...

Pug, I admire your ambition, but Billy Mays is not the way to go. I suggest /t.

/t. said...

HA HAHA HA HAH HAH HAHA HAH HAHA HA HAH AH AHA HAH AH AHAH AH HAH FOLKS!

I LOVE THE PUG & ENEMY!

/t.

dianne said...

Yes I said 'see through'- very sheer muslin, imagine that.
You are so funny and cute Pugsy, I like the title of your book, yes that wouldn't go over too well with the Druids and their ancient standing stones, looks as if its going to have to be dancing around the Black Forest hope we dont upset anyone there!

dianne said...

At least there will be plenty of trees for you in the Black Forest Pugsy so you wont get into trouble for peeing on the sacred stones. Lol :)

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Okay, let me try this again ...

***

Enemy - Do you think /t. is subtle enough for the job? We ARE talking about a sophisticated target demographic here ...

***

/t. - Enemy and I feel the same way, and we've both decided that we want to adopt you and have you come live with us. We couldn't agree on the religion to raise you under, so we've decided to compromise: you'll be Catholic on the weekdays and Baptist on the weekends.

***

Dianne - Not to worry on that front. Historically the Germans are very easy-going, non-territorial people. Plus even if we accidently burnt down the forest, it STILL would be the Black Forest.

***

Dianne - You remind me of someone I once knew ... but then we started to drift apart after her last comment ...

Maybe it's a good thing we did ... you seem more "real" ... (and just as cute!)

No worries on the pee., BTW. I had tests done, and it has a lower pH than acid rain ... so my bad habit should be encouraged by the locals, if anything.

dianne said...

Yes I am real and you are very cute! :)

leelee said...

Plus the Stongehenge people are still upset by my recent book, "Dominoes of the Gods".


too funny!

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Those are just 2 of the things I've never been able to get my blow-up doll to admit. Some folks would claim that sharing each others' thoughts and finishing each others' sentences should be reward enough, but still, it's good to "hear" them from an objective 3rd party. You have made me a very happy Pug!

***

Leelee - Why CAN'T I have my own books, detailing my own "unique" theories? Are they afraid that people will want to form a cult based on them? And what would be SO wrong with that? I wouldn't force the females to all have the same hairstyle and attire as that "wacky" sect in Texas ... in MY cult they would have SEVERAL "looks" they could choose from, as I do treasure individuality. Somewhat.

***

Okay, so I am trying to post closer to a weekly (or more frequent) basis, but I need another day ... so please check back tomorrow and HOPEFULLY you won't have to see Billy Mays staring back at you ...

Serena Joy said...

Nah, Bill wouldn't do it for me. Too pushy. I think a nice martini and the vibrating seat warmers would be incentive enough. Get out one of those other peoples' credit cards and gas up the Pugmobile.:)

dianne said...

Well Pugsy my sweet little gentledog I'm glad that I have made you happy - and someone as handsome & engaging as you are should not need a blow-up doll. What is wrong with the gals over there? :)

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Wow! Maybe I really don't need Billy Mays if I'm scoring redheads! Just give me another week to read a few books on lion taming first!

***

Dianne - Oh, I didn't mean to cause you any concern. The doll is just in case I ever get sent to a prison that is not "co-ed".

dianne said...

Well gosh Pugsy I hope you never get sent to a prison of any kind as someone as cute & attractive as you might find yourself in all kinds strife!! ;)

she said...

i think you should go with the guy that wears the headset and pitches the mega chamois or wahtever that thing is. er, never mind. i guess mays is better since i cant even remember the damn product name.

if your coat can pick up dirt and stains youre in!

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Maybe I need to do more research, as all I have to go on is Elvis in "Jailhouse Rock". If prison is not as fun and glamorous as that, I need to factor any "cons" into my career planning.

***

She - D'oh! Why didn't I think of your incredible "pinching the mega chamois" line while I was writing this crap? And not to worry, m'lady, as dirt and stains on my coat are a true indication of a successful date.

cathy said...

I want that vibrating seat!
Then I'll let you know if further steps are necessary.

Umm... isn't commenting on a post a response?

Serena Joy said...

I guess I could spare a week, because I'm all in favor of reading, but I should tell you that I prefer my lions untamed.:)

dianne said...

Oh Pugsy you are so innocent, if prison was anything like the place depicted in Elvis Presley's film clip of Jailhouse Rock I guess it would be fun. Great song BTW.
But back to reality, have you seen the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption'?
Guys like those 'Mothers' would be all over you like fleas on a dawg, pardon the pun. So please dont go getting any notions about prison being a fun place to be. ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - Curse that vibrating seat! It's supposed to be one of the many benefits of going with the Pug brand; it's certainly not supposed to be THE product itself! That's it. I'm firing my R&D people.

***

Serena - I was afraid of that. There goes my upholstery. Again. Can't say I blame you though, as I must admit I prefer my redheads untamed as well. Let's change plans and allocate that week for my post-date recovery, instead.

***

Dianne - Thank you for recognizing my innocence. I try to keep it hidden, lest it continue to be a target for unsavory types. It seems to be a full-time job these days trying to keep it intact.

And yes, I HAVE seen The Shawshank Redemption (good film!), but I'd always assumed that prison was the lesser of 2-evils (versus being defiled by Susan Sarandon on the outside) for Tim Robbin's character.

Okay, you have talked me out of it. I am now committed only to life as a "free range Pug".

she said...

grrrherhahahahaha! you mean the cheetos and spam oil stains? grrrrherhahahaha!

puerileuwaite said...

She - I love you though you hurt me so. Now I'll have to pack my things and go.

Little Lamb said...

Pug, I mentioned you and Serena in my most recent post.

puerileuwaite said...

Thank you Lamby. Geez, where have you been? I've missed you.

Serena Joy said...

I could go along with that.:)

Pink said...

Howdy Pug...just dropping by to say hi...haven't forgotten you
xx
pinks

Little Lamb said...

I've been lazy in visiting blogs. Maybe I should stop by more often.

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Serena - I knew you'd crack in the end. They always do.

***

Pinks - So then I won't stand outside your blog playing "Don't You Forget About Me" on my boom box then. That will free up some time.

***

Lamby - Yes, you should. You bring sanity and calm to these things.

Serena Joy said...

Perhaps, but don't forget -- I have paste.:)

Little Lamb said...

All right, I'll stop by more often hopefully.

You can come to my blog, too.

Sassy Blondie said...

I'm ready for something new, Pugsley! Whatcha got?

XOXO

dianne said...

Yes you remain a 'free range pug' and stay away from that Susan Sarandon! What was Tim Robbins thinking?

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Well, in that case and per Roxy Music's recommendation, "Let's Stick Together".

***

Lamby - Not sure about YOUR blog. You seem to have attracted one too many Strange Rangers. I would make it "two" too many.

***

Sassy - I have Yours Truly in a black polyester demin-esque "sports" jacket with contrast white stitching. Along with a fresh, masculine approach to women, I might add. Where should I pick you up?

***

Dianne - I have absolutely no idea. Perhaps while filming "Jacob's Ladder", he actually tried some of the "product" to be more "in" the experience. This may have skewed his perspective on the ideal woman.

***

UPDATE: I know I've been jerking your collective chains on the promise of a new post ... trust me, it's in the works. I just have to write and then run it through the usual 7-levels of Quality Assurance. And those ladies in latex gloves and hairnets are a tough bunch to please (they almost vetoed this last post ... I'm too ashamed to admit what I had to do to grease it through ... but you folks are worth it)!

Little Lamb said...

Oh Pug, that makes me very sad. I have to go now and cry because you won't visit me more often.

dianne said...

Good luck with your new posting Pugsy, I'm sure it will be a winner just like you! Please dont stay away too long... :) xoxox

cathy said...

Thanks

The Phosgene Kid said...

personally I'd like to Oxycute Billy boy....

Good luck on the new post!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - I've reconsidered, and YES!!! I WILL visit you more frequently! I refuse to let any weirdos scare me off! Heck, I'd have to quit blogging altogether if that were the case.

***

Dianne - That is what I love about you. From practically ANYONE else, I would detect more than a hint of sarcasm when they refer to me as a "winner". Thank you for making this cruel world a bit less cruel.

***

Cathy - Glad to oblige, little lady. Now what did I do to deserve it?

***

Phosgene - He does seem like a nice guy, so I'm leaning toward his having the right to exist.

And thanks for the good luck wish ... I'm going to need it ...

Little Lamb said...

I can stop crying now. Good. I'm glad to hear it. And to think I didn't even have to box you in.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Never cry, Little Lamb. As a reminder, I'm dedicating Guns & Roses' "Don't Cry" to you, my wooly blanket of goodness.

***

Update: slow going on the new post front (it's underway, at least) ... sorry ... to borrow from Earl's Oriental Rug Emporium (as advertised in my sidebar), could be any day now ... could be tomorrow!

Little Lamb said...

I think that's very sweet of you.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I pitch for a new post! I'm loyal to you, my Puggy, but I am going to smash in that mug of Billy Mays! Get rid of him!

Enemy of the Republic said...

And if we adopt /t., then we raise him to worship the Norse gods--Woden and Freya; he'll learn to cast runes and divine fortunes; another reason to get rid of that Billy Mays!

dianne said...

Take your time Pugsy my dearest, I'll be waiting for you! ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Well it was the least I could do, so it was therefore doable.

***

Enemy - Loyalty is very important, so thank you. You shall be rewarded with a top spot when I'm able to get my own polygamy cult off the ground (finalizing the dress code and official hairstyles as I write this).

And I'm thinking that we MAY need to raise /t. within the cult for "PR" purposes; and also because he'd make a way too funky Viking. I'll see if I can sneak in a bylaw to "grandfather in" the moustache.

Finally, just for you: no Billys in the NEXT post (except maybe for Billy Jack or Billy the Kid).

***

Dianne - Thank you! You are very sweet to me. Normally it seems like I'm ALWAYS being told by the lady that she can't wait. I try my best to insist that I am EXPECTED to stop and pay the check on the way out, or that I have to use the little pug's room and it will only take a minute, or I cannot drive on a flat tire, etc., but apparently "time is money" to THOSE types.

***

UPDATE: New post TOMORROW? Stay tuned!

Pink said...

did you have a happy Canada Day?









(time for a new post!)

xx
pinks

limpy99 said...

New post tomorrow? I think not! Damn you Billy Mays, I hold you responsible for this!

boneman said...

dang, dog, if this works for you, tell me so I can get some of that 'Mays' action promoting my lame butt!

But, how are you going to find the time to date what with your new job?
I posted your advertisement at my blog.
Heck, I figure you've got your work cut out for you now.

'Course, it doesn't have an hourly or even a salary, but we all figure you'll make your profit through volume!

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - You know me better than I know myself. Which - come to think of it - is kinda creepy, being that you're another dude.

Okay, new post by TOMORROW. And I really, really mean it this time! I'm not jerking anyone's chain on this!

***

Boneman - Thanks! And welcome, buddy. The theory is that volume on the front end produces volume on the back end. Even I'm not sure what this means, but my "marketing people" do; and they make a lot, so I feel the need to trust them.

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Every day is Happy Canada Day for me. A celebration of flannel, maple trees and Margaret Trudeau.

Pink said...

Here I thought it was Canada Day and I come to find its Groundhogs Day what with the SAME POST!

xx
pinks

JMEPED said...

As much as I hate Billy buy my shit I would like another cute little story....

leelee said...

86 comments...

I think you are holding out for 100..

HUGS 4 PUGS!

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - I sure hope you're happy now. The new post is ready, but at what cost? I had to skip out on meaningful work to get it done!

***

Jmeped - You've got it, my sultry little prodigal vixen of the south.

***

Leelee - Curses! You've foiled my evil scheme ... how DID you know?

***

Okay, hope the new post was almost worth the wait.

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