Friday, October 17, 2008

A Bridge To Fargo


I knew she was trouble the first time we met in that seedy karaoke bar to cement the deal.

"Ya der hey. I'm Sarah." I scolded her for her tardiness, introduced myself and my associate Black Bart, and then asked if she brought the $40 grand. "I made it clear to Phil (Gramm, the middleman in the deal) that it was the Ciera up front, and then the $40K after the ransom is paid." She was wearing her trademark revealing white blouse and tight skirt, so I was in no position to stand up and argue. At least not comfortably or without embarrassment.


"Okay, let's go check out that Ciera, Sarah (I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at my clever play on words)."

I knew little about her, other than she had once placed second in a beauty contest, was a weather girl on TV, and apparently served as governor of one of the more insignificant states somewhere west of Brainerd.

Maybe I was better off knowing as little as I did.

And thankfully in retrospect, much of what subsequently transpired was a blur. I'm in a much better place now. The mind works in mysterious ways and decides on it's own what should vividly be remembered. For me, one thing in that particular category was the long drive in our Ciera to the Twin Cities.


I chided Black Bart for lighting up in the new vehicle and exposing me to carcinogenic second-hand smoke. Bastard could've at least cracked open a window. I tried to make small talk about downtown Minneapolis skyscrapers, and asked if he'd ever been there. Nothing but silence in return. "Would it kill you to say something?", I said. Not a word. Screw it. Here I was, doing all of the driving with no conversation to break up the monotony, while all he could do is chain smoke Marlboros and sneer like Sting.


Fine. Two could play that game, fella.

As I later found out, Sarah had made a series of poor decisions that led to this fateful one, and continued to compound the misery and stress with further bad judgement.

For instance, the state auditor started to make inquiries about 2-motor pool vehicles that were unaccounted for. The VINs on the paperwork were not legible, due to the low quality of the faxed submissions. And despite the auditor's repeated insistence on clearer copies and no more faxes, Sarah continued to fax ones of increasingly bad quality. Rumor has it that Sassy landed her recent promotion in much the same manner (unreadable resume and transcripts, plus lord knows what other chicanery), but that's a Coen Brothers story for another day and an audience with a stronger collective stomach.

Anyhoo, the job was to kidnap her husband, who by all accounts was a meddling hayseed with no apparent career of his own.


She could no longer manipulate the rube into participating in fictional cross-state snowmobile endurance races in order to buy weeks of blessed domestic solitude, so she devised another plan. We would kidnap him and demand a quick ransom before his true market value could be assessed (a tactic brazenly stolen from NASDAQ and NYSE operational models). We would get our 40-G's (plus another 10 for NOT returning the hubby), and Sarah would keep the rest.

All initially went according to plan, until Black Bart and I were pulled over by that State Trooper. He noticed we were driving a fuel-efficient, American made product, which aroused his suspicion. A quick glance at the name plate on his uniform made Black Bart and I do a double-take, as we both realized he was Palin's brother-in-law. His disappearance would net us a $20,000 bonus, per Sarah. Cha-ching. In the trunk he went.


In addition to her state motor pool audit woes, Sarah now had another problem. She had gone to John McCain for the ransom money, but the old curmudgeon wouldn't simply give it to her "no questions asked". Despite his woeful interpersonal skills, the damned coot insisted on being in on the negotiations, also demanding that his confidante Carly Fiorina be included in every aspect. Carly suggested merging another current yet unrelated ransom deal into this one, in order to "maximize the synergies" between the two. What a nutjob.

We pressed on to the big city. The hubby started to whimper again from the back seat like the wuss that he was. "Shut the f*ck up, or you're going in the truck too!" shouted Black Bart.

"Jeez, that's more than I've heard you say all week," said I.


Back in Brainerd, a very pregnant Sheriff Serena received a late night call. A State Trooper had gone missing in her jurisdiction. She tumbled out of bed, soldiering on despite her perpetual morning sickness. Her highly-domesticated, balding artist husband /t. insisted that she eat a meal of runny scrambled eggs before heading out, mentioning with every bite she took that he needed her to pick up night-crawlers (which he described in great detail, to ensure she'd select the right ones) so he could go ice fishing later on.

At the scene of the empty State Patrol car, Deputy Boneman offered Serena a coffee and a damp, doughy red-jelly-filled cruller. With each bite she took, the Deputy explained how grisly traces of blood and flesh had been found close by, indicating a possible skirmish or gator attack.

"I'm not sure that I agree with you on your police work there, Lou." "Yah?" "Yah, ya see, there are no gators in Minnesota. It's way too cold." "Yah?" "You betcha." "I'll be damned."


Back at the Police Station, /t. brought Serena lunch from Arby's. As she struggled to consume her cheddar melt, /t. rifled through the bag of night-crawlers the wife had picked up, carefully inspecting each one in front of her and the light on her desk while shrieking with delight.

At this point it was revealed that /t. was a "Code Poetry Painter", and had been feverishly working on a digital Looney motif for the 3-cent eStamp. He was worried that Foam would beat him out of being awarded the design, so Serena had to constantly reassure him, which tested even her considerable patience* (* comparatively speaking, being that she was a natural redhead).

Just then, Deputy Boneman informed Serena of a report that 2-pugs in a Ciera stayed at the Blue Ox Motel last night with 2-girls they hoped would help ease the pain of their recent dumpings by Cathy and Dianne.



Sheriff Serena met the 2-girls at a local watering hole for questioning. Both seemed naive and wordly all at the same time. Britney mentioned how she was with the little fella, and that he was funny lookin'. "How so?" asked Serena. "Well, he looked a lot like Steve Buscemi if he were a canine." "Oh, I see ... will you excuse me one moment? My morning sickness seems to have returned."

Serena then asked Paris what she could remember about the other fella. "Well, he was taller and uncircumsized. The little fella called him 'Black Bart'. I called him the 'Malboro Pug' because he chain smoked Marlboros and wheezed a lot. Plus he insisted on wearing spurs and having his horse join in." "Oh, I see. Well, thanks for coming in, ladies."


Calls from the Blue Ox were traced to Phil Gramm, and in turn, calls from Phil's home were traced to Governor Palin's office. The noose was rapidly tightening. Sheriff Serena decided to pay Mrs. Palin a little visit.

"May I call you Sarah?" "No." "Okay b*tch, have it your way. MRS. PALIN, have you noticed anything missing lately? A couple of cars from the motor pool? Your husband? Your soul?"

"Look, Sheriff, this is obviously an attempt by:

- the Democrats
- my opponent
- the "gotcha" media
- informed, biased citizens
- people who watch MSNBC and Comedy Central
- people who produce and appear in MSNBC and Comedy Central shows
- ugly folks with self-image issues
- "Big Oil"
- Washington insiders
- library patrons
- non-hockey moms
- pitbulls
- Katie Couric
- lamb mistreaters
- Tina Fey
- Californians, Oregonians, Washingtonians (the state), New Englanders, Midwesterners, Mid-Atlantic staters
- blondes
- people who wear contact lenses
- former city employees
- former state employees
- former pageant competitiors
- Russians
- bridge builders to nowhere
- [your name here]
- anyone else I haven't mentioned

to slander my good name; because John McCain, James Garner* (* but not Mel Gibson), Tom Cruise in 'Top Gun', a former Ford Motor Company product, and I are all "mavericks". Would it make you happy if I perform an internal investigation of these allegations?" "No, not really, since it would obviously reveal nothing and claim to exonerate you." "Darn tootin'. Okay then, I'm off to perform the investigation." "I can't believe it!  She's fleeing the interview!"


Meanwhile, I was on my way to pick up the ransom money at our arranged meeting spot, adjacent to an Obama rally at the local Elks Club. Little did I know that McCain himself would be making the drop, making disrespectful facial gestures the whole time, and referring to me as "that pug". Though he was packin' heat, I took advantage of his inability to look down due to the lack of a neck, and snatched the satchel from below.

I then returned to our cabin hideout yonder at Moose Lake, where I discovered that Black Bart had "offed" Mr. Palin. "He was being a pain." I couldn't argue with that statement: I had seen the news footage of him and realized Black Bart's reasoning was sound.

We then started to fight over who got the Ciera. Being an American auto, neither of us wanted to be stuck with it, and there was no budging. As I was already wounded due to McCain stepping on my tail, I could only offer feeble resistance as we grappled. Black Bart dragged me to the wood chipper and started it up.

He then held me directly over its gnashing blades.

Fortunately, just then Sheriff Serena (who had spotted the Ciera) raced toward us with her gun drawn. "DROP THAT PUG!"


.

48 comments:

/t. said...

ha
ha hah
ah haha hah
ah haha ah aha haha
hah ahah ha ha hah ah haha ahah hah ahaha ha ha hah aha hah ah ahah ha haha ha hah ah aha hah ah ha hah aha ahah ah ahah aha ha hah ha haha hah aha aha haha ah ha ha haha ah ha ha!

hard to imagine how the coen bros managed to miss all of this dramatic potential!

most excellent work, guy -- thanks :)

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks buddy. I hope it was worth the wait.

foam said...

oh mannnnn... lol ..
i was on the edge of my seat, cheering along bart ..
oh, yes .. and that other pug too .. :)
i enjoyed this very much ..
ditto what /t. said ..
most excellent, pug ..
thanks ..
and really worth all the wait .. :)

but, i'm worried about the pug at the very end..
just exactly on what was he dropped?

Little Lamb said...

Very enjoyable.

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Thanks! I'll tell you what happened to the Pug, but the end of this story is as FAR-as-i-GO.

***

Lamby - Thank you. You can be a tough customer, so I'm glad you liked it.

leelee said...

amazing....thanks for the nod...Pug, Black Bart and the Coen's rule!!

I like it in your world..


HUGS 4 PUGS!!

dianne said...

Oh Puggles honey,first rate story, you are so clever, you should be an artistic adviser to the Coen bros.
Lol, thanks for the nod, but I wouldn't dump you or leave you in some sleazy motel and I'm surprised that Black Bart with his bad habits and wheezing turned on you like that my love 'cause he looks so cute and innocent in that photo. :) ♥ xoxo

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Good, then it's agreed that you'll join me on occasion? I suppose I should like it too. After all, I might as well make it my own, being that I seem to be in it for awhile.

***

Dianne - Don't I wish! Are you sure they won't think I'm too weird?

And so far, so good: you passed the test (I wanted to see how you'd respond to the dumping remark).

Sure, he looks sweet and innocent, but I must remind of the trademarked statement about Black Bart: "don't let him fool you". Place him in a turtleneck sweater and a VW Bug, and you have a little canine Ted Bundy, I'm afraid.

NYD said...

Look I love to be in stories, but why oh why do I always end up in the trunk.

Good work, Pug! I wonder how the other folks are going to like their roles.

leelee said...

"Leelee - Good, then it's agreed that you'll join me on occasion? "

Why pug..I'd be honored...I'll let you know what time I arrive..

;-)

Serena said...

A post! A post! A NEW post. And a darn fine one at that. You may have outdone yourself this time. What a great story, absolutely worthy of being memorialized on film by the Coen Bros. Or somebody. I think I like Sheriffdom, but I do have just one teensy question -- how'd I end up married again? And -- pregnant?! Yikes!:-)

puerileuwaite said...

NYD - I think it may have something to do with "implied mobster affiliation", being that you're originally from The Big Apple. A least a car trunk means travel, versus a trunk that might wind up in the ocean or a bay, if that's of any solace. Ba da bing.

***

Leelee - Not too much in advance, I hope. I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep! I only seem to be cool, sophisticated and debonaire here on the blogs.

***

Serena - It was just another sorry attempt on my part to tame and fully domesticate you. But as you can see in the story, it barely slows you down. I suppose this makes you the Sacajawea of the law enforcement set. Plus, I like to think of the immortal Serena as always having a pair of handcuffs at the ready for this bad pug.

GirlGoyle said...

Phew! Thank god for Deputy or you'd be toast!

puerileuwaite said...

GG - And they say the women of today can't pay attention to detail! Thanks for proving them wrong.

Enemy of the Republic said...

So you forgot about my dalliance with Black Bart. I will have you know that the nightie Sarah is wearing came from ME! Republican thief--first my dog, then my threads!

dianne said...

Puggles my love, do ya really look like Steve Buscemi? Thats OK, he's really funny, do you remember 'The Big Lebowski' and 'Billy Madison' two really cool movies. :) ♥ xoxoxo

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - How could I forget? Black Bart makes a point of bringing it up at every opportunity. He really knows how to rub it in.

***

Dianne - Unfortunately I do not. I wasn't blessed with Steve's movie star looks. I suppose I'm more average to way above average looking. Better to let you know this up front, so you can lower your expectations accordingly,

dianne said...

My darling Puggles , thank goodness you dont have Steve Buscemi's movie star looks. Give me average to way above average looking any day, you must be hot.:) I have no expectations of your physical attributes, I love you for your brilliant mind, I will love you just the way you are. :) xoxoxox ♥

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Wow! Thank you for your wonderful comment, beautiful.

Hot? I don't like to brag, but I seem to get hit on by females from 15 to 85. Unfortunately they're usually either 15 or 85. So thank you for trying to help fill in the (lower) middle. And I think it's swell that you don't have any expectations of my physical attributes. Pressure can be very deflating for my ego. But again, unfortunately I now have that Billy Joel tune stuck in my noggin', squeezing out all of the brilliance.

xoxox!

Sassy Blondie said...

*Sigh* Pugsley, this is why I want you...

The Social Reformer said...

lol I can see russia from my house hahahaa

Enemy of the Republic said...

Did you hear that McCain aides are calling Ms. Palin a -ohmygod--DIVA! I mean, really!

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy - WHICH thing in particular? I need to know where to really lay it on thick!

***

Social Reformer - Well SOMEONE had to back her with the photographic proof!

***

Enemy - Well, still, I'm hers if she'll have me. Otherwise I go to the highest* bidder.


(* MONETARILY, just to clarify)

cathy said...

I'M GOING TO READ THIS AGAIN WHEN I'VE HAD SOME MORE COFFEE AND FOUND MY GLASSES. I LAUGHED MYSELF SILLY AT YOUR COMMENT:)

( THE CAPITALS ARE SO I CAN SEE WHAT I'M WRITING, LOL)

K9 said...

yay! you got another dig on sting in. i think "cieras" come preloaded with his library of songs. what do you think "elements" come preloaded with? the complete works of karl marx narrated by rev. wright? come to think of it, wasnt maverick a shitty four cylinder ford from the 70's? we'll ALL be driving those soon. like in cuba. grrherhahaha

i like the dark quiet type. when he does speak up - i tend to agree with him. for example: STFU! i like black bart. he's better than white noise!

hayseed does to have a job! its a great vacation package: para sailing with sarah palin! yep. over glaciers and bears and whales, and timber, salmon, eskimos, and oil and shale and water and a bunch of other insignificant shite from a loser state. grrrherhahaha

georgian artists are sexy and bad to the bone. jus sayin'.

puerileuwaite said...

CATHY - THEN I WILL DELAY REACHING INTO MY BAG OF "WITTIER" COMMENTS UNTIL YOU ARE ABLE TO READ THE POST AND COMMENT ON THE POST ITSELF.

IN THE MEANTIME I CONSIDERED USING THIS SPACE TO EXPRESS MY ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR YOU BUT FOR SOME REASON IT LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE A RANSOM NOTE.

I SURE HOPE YOUR HEARING IS GOOD BECAUSE I WORRY THAT IF I ALSO HAVE TO SHOUT SWEET NOTHINGS INTO YOUR EAR INSTEAD OF WHISPERING, IT WILL BE PERCEIVED BY NOSY THIRD PARTIES AS ABUSE INSTEAD OF AFFECTION.

***

K9 - I meant to type "sneer like Sting doing his SNL impression of Billy Idol", but failed to catch it "before going to press".

I too like the silent types! Particularly in public and in the workplace. Also in the bedroom during "prearranged verbal blackout periods".

We continue to have so much in common. Although I couldn't tell for sure if you like Elements or not (I enjoy their funky styling). I cannot tell what the future holds for us, but I can confide that - thanks to you - I am about to make a stunning announcement that should change everything.

Finally, I must agree with your statement about Georgian artists, though I cannot lump all Georgians into that same category. I mean, look at Stalin: sure he was bad to the bone, but sexy?

K9 said...

funky styling = toaster. ;-)

Sassy Blondie said...

I want it all...

puerileuwaite said...

K9 - I happen to like toasters. I even keep one right next to my tub, plugged at all times into a non-GFI outlet. So don't bash the toaster.

***

Sassy - Okay then. I call that the "full enchilada", and it comes with a "churro" on the side along with a small beverage of your choice. So be sure to visit my drive-thru when you're in town.

dianne said...

Hello Puggles my love, your little 'thorn bird' has just come over to see you 'cause I've missed you. :)
Oh and Lol loud at what Cathy, my partner in crime said to you.
Maybe I should have typed this in capital letters.
I'm pleased to see you have put me in the lower end of your 'age demographic' of your many admirers.
It just must be a curse to be so desirable. ♥ :) xoxoxo

puerileuwaite said...

Talk about coincidence! I must confess that I'm here in my Catholic priest Halloween attire reading your Thorn Birds reference! Good timing too, seeing how this is probably the last year I can get away with looking like a priest without getting lynched.

BTW, the second "L" in lol does stand for "loud" already, but me and the Good Lord forgive you for the faux pas.

Unfortunately I cannot surrender to vanity (unless it's the Vanity that Prince dated) while wearing clergy cloth, so I cannot entertain the concept of admirers until my return to heathenism is complete.

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley, can I supersize my order?

puerileuwaite said...

Sure! I call that a "wrap". It doesn't do much for me, but it really seems to be popular with the customers.

dianne said...

I knew about the 'L' Puggles my love, it was a typo, I get so excited when I come over here to visit you, so anything is likely to go awry. :)

Somehow I can't imagine you dressed as a priest but you would have to look better than that wimp Richard Chamberlain who starred as the priest in the movie, talk about procrastinate...I'm sure it wouldn't have taken you that long 'to get on with it' if you know what I mean and Jesus Christ what kind of a bird impales itself on a thorn? ;) ♥ xoxoxo

puerileuwaite said...

Just teasin' about the redundancy. The devil made me do it. This outfit seems to attract all types of temptation!

The right gal has been known to turn me Pentecostal before making it even 1/4 of a circuit through the stations of the cross, I'm afraid.

And I would call that kind of bird a "dodo".

foam said...

pugs,
since you seem to be into outfits ..
it's about time to get outta that priest outfit and done your turkey outfit ... :D
gobble, gobble ..

puerileuwaite said...

Actually it is time for me to get into my "Uncle Sam" outfit! Be sure to vote early and often for Your Humble Servant, Yours Truly!

**¤ ¤** said...

oh, i did, i did ..
i voted early..
you know, when you turn the ballot over there's a little place waaaaaay at the bottom where you can vote for the official white house lawn sprinkler ..
i wrote you in..
hope you don't mind ..
i think it's a high honor.

puerileuwaite said...

Wait. They HAVE that?

foam said...

;)

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