First off, I would like all of you to note the exclamation point at the end of my greeting above, as it boldly punctuates my genuine joy in seeing your bright shiny faces today!
I'm delighted to have you here; since I have a hastily thrown together, surprise announcement to make: This Humble Pug is throwing his collar into the ring as YOUR candidate for the Presidency of these United States of America! Including Texas (for now)!
So be sure to WRITE ME IN as YOUR CHOICE for President when you go to the polls tomorrow. And if you've already voted, I have great news: you can STILL vote again. We'll simply arrange for them to "lose" your original ballots. And if you vote within the next 24-hours, I'll throw in Black Bart as my "Vice" President at no extra charge!
Also, I want to give a HUGE shout-out to my Future First Lady, the lovely Sparring K9, who not only convinced me that I could get some change out of running, but also provided ALL of the images for this post. Together in the White House, she and I will make JFK and Jackie look like Ozzie and Harriet (or Ozzie and Sharon, if you prefer)!
You probably want to know (a) little about me, so here is where I stand on our most popular issues:
Economy - I am for a strong economy. As such, there will be no Republicans, Texans or women advising me in this area.
Iraq - I am committed to withdrawing ALL troops and oil by Christmas.
Health Care - Everyone will be provided with "goodie bags" containing prescriptions of their choice. Additionally, all of you will be automatically enrolled as "Beta Test Subjects" in all current and future testing of new pharmacueticals.
Terrorism - I am firmly opposed to terrorism in any form. As such, anyone suspected of planning or being engaged in terrorist activities will also be enrolled in my aforementioned pharmaceutical beta test program.
Joe the Plumber - Enough with the division and wisecracks already. "Joe the Plumber" must mean more to us than a political device used to manipulate morons who can barely manage to read something other than "Letters to Penthouse" or pull a lever other than the tiny one in their pants. Anyone with a fat ass and droopy drawers should and will be entitled to a trade that provides frequent thrills for neglected housewives. So let us reverently embrace those among us who fix our leaks without toiling at a clinic.
Ellen DeGeneres - Will be shipped to Guantanamo immediately along with Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah for "reprogramming" sans any video cameras. Let's see how enthusiastically she dances after the enemas, boarding, and other "waterpark activities".
CEOs - Orange will be the "In" color this year for the current crooks. Be sure to wave as you pass them by on the road. Or rather, on the side of the road; where chained together they will be seen breaking up rocks, serve as a natural protective barrier for loose, tumbling boulders, and catch those discarded hot coffee containers that we were almost finished consuming.
Abortion - Although The Pug is currently Pro-Choice, I think we all agree that abortion should be eliminated. Life is precious. I certainly know how fond I am of my own* (* from there, it of course becomes increasingly less precious, based on a sliding scale of inverse proximity). So the best way to prevent abortion is to prevent conception in the first place. But HOW can we promote abstinence using a "holistic" approach? My plan is to equip all women with Birkenstock sandals, "alternate" lifestyles and corporate middle management positions. The men will be provided with unlimited access to video games of all forms, which they will be encouraged to discuss incessantly in their places of employment. These enhancements should reduce social mingling of the sexes, and keep conception to a minimum (if not eradicate it entirely).
Taxes - My plan is to eliminate all federal, state, local and sales taxes within the next 2-years. Instead the government will generate revenues by installing pedestrian and vehicle toll booths at every intersection. Also, all Internet Pornography will be strictly pay-per-view and taxed at a rate of $1 per genital. No exceptions or "free samples". Not even for politicians or clergy.
Illegal Immigration - The ugly truth is that we need illegals to cheaply perform the jobs that pampered Americans find reprehensible. This includes any task that actually requires Americans to earn their pay. But the problem is that they also occasionally try to benefit from our education and medical institutions. My plan - instead of a border fence - is to install a wall containing inlet tubes that funnel these workers to the work, and then returns them safely across the border at night. And no place else. A human "habit-trail", if you will, where "who moved my cheese?" will REALLY be a relevant complaint.
Celebrities - All celebrities will be required to report for their shifts at their local rendering plants, effective immediately.
Darn. I can see by the clock on the wall that our little "fireside chat" has to be extinguished for now. Tomorrow we will take up where we left off, when I share my thoughts on some or all of the remaining issues facing us as a nation* (* including Canada, Australia and Japan: all of which I plan to annex during my first 30-days in office).
Republicans Democrats Crime Education Defense Social Security The Stock Market Dick Cheney The Bush Family Materialism and Greed The Environment International Relations NASA Autism Our Veterans Patriotism Energy Lobbyists Campaign Reform Separation of Church and State NRA NPR The Biased Media Small Business Insurance Companies Banking and Finance The Military Oil Companies The Arts Zamboni Operators Chicago Cubs Baseball
Tagline #1: The Pug - Will Work For Change
Tagline #2: The Pug - A Trying President For Trying Times
Tagline #3: The Pug - If You Shoot Me, Black Bart Becomes President
Tagline #4: NPR, NRA - The Pug Will Eliminate One of Them