Saturday, November 01, 2008

An Independent Choice


Hi everybody!

First off, I would like all of you to note the exclamation point at the end of my greeting above, as it boldly punctuates my genuine joy in seeing your bright shiny faces today!

I'm delighted to have you here; since I have a hastily thrown together, surprise announcement to make: This Humble Pug is throwing his collar into the ring as YOUR candidate for the Presidency of these United States of America! Including Texas (for now)!

So be sure to WRITE ME IN as YOUR CHOICE for President when you go to the polls tomorrow. And if you've already voted, I have great news: you can STILL vote again. We'll simply arrange for them to "lose" your original ballots. And if you vote within the next 24-hours, I'll throw in Black Bart as my "Vice" President at no extra charge!

Also, I want to give a HUGE shout-out to my Future First Lady, the lovely Sparring K9, who not only convinced me that I could get some change out of running, but also provided ALL of the images for this post. Together in the White House, she and I will make JFK and Jackie look like Ozzie and Harriet (or Ozzie and Sharon, if you prefer)!


You probably want to know (a) little about me, so here is where I stand on our most popular issues:

Economy - I am for a strong economy. As such, there will be no Republicans, Texans or women advising me in this area.

Iraq - I am committed to withdrawing ALL troops and oil by Christmas.

Health Care - Everyone will be provided with "goodie bags" containing prescriptions of their choice. Additionally, all of you will be automatically enrolled as "Beta Test Subjects" in all current and future testing of new pharmacueticals.

Terrorism - I am firmly opposed to terrorism in any form. As such, anyone suspected of planning or being engaged in terrorist activities will also be enrolled in my aforementioned pharmaceutical beta test program.

Joe the Plumber - Enough with the division and wisecracks already. "Joe the Plumber" must mean more to us than a political device used to manipulate morons who can barely manage to read something other than "Letters to Penthouse" or pull a lever other than the tiny one in their pants. Anyone with a fat ass and droopy drawers should and will be entitled to a trade that provides frequent thrills for neglected housewives. So let us reverently embrace those among us who fix our leaks without toiling at a clinic.

Ellen DeGeneres - Will be shipped to Guantanamo immediately along with Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah for "reprogramming" sans any video cameras. Let's see how enthusiastically she dances after the enemas, boarding, and other "waterpark activities".

CEOs - Orange will be the "In" color this year for the current crooks. Be sure to wave as you pass them by on the road. Or rather, on the side of the road; where chained together they will be seen breaking up rocks, serve as a natural protective barrier for loose, tumbling boulders, and catch those discarded hot coffee containers that we were almost finished consuming.

Abortion - Although The Pug is currently Pro-Choice, I think we all agree that abortion should be eliminated. Life is precious. I certainly know how fond I am of my own* (* from there, it of course becomes increasingly less precious, based on a sliding scale of inverse proximity). So the best way to prevent abortion is to prevent conception in the first place. But HOW can we promote abstinence using a "holistic" approach? My plan is to equip all women with Birkenstock sandals, "alternate" lifestyles and corporate middle management positions. The men will be provided with unlimited access to video games of all forms, which they will be encouraged to discuss incessantly in their places of employment. These enhancements should reduce social mingling of the sexes, and keep conception to a minimum (if not eradicate it entirely).

Taxes - My plan is to eliminate all federal, state, local and sales taxes within the next 2-years. Instead the government will generate revenues by installing pedestrian and vehicle toll booths at every intersection. Also, all Internet Pornography will be strictly pay-per-view and taxed at a rate of $1 per genital. No exceptions or "free samples". Not even for politicians or clergy.

Illegal Immigration - The ugly truth is that we need illegals to cheaply perform the jobs that pampered Americans find reprehensible. This includes any task that actually requires Americans to earn their pay. But the problem is that they also occasionally try to benefit from our education and medical institutions. My plan - instead of a border fence - is to install a wall containing inlet tubes that funnel these workers to the work, and then returns them safely across the border at night. And no place else. A human "habit-trail", if you will, where "who moved my cheese?" will REALLY be a relevant complaint.

Celebrities - All celebrities will be required to report for their shifts at their local rendering plants, effective immediately.

***

Darn. I can see by the clock on the wall that our little "fireside chat" has to be extinguished for now. Tomorrow we will take up where we left off, when I share my thoughts on some or all of the remaining issues facing us as a nation* (* including Canada, Australia and Japan: all of which I plan to annex during my first 30-days in office).

Republicans
Democrats
Crime
Education
Defense
Social Security
The Stock Market
Dick Cheney
The Bush Family
Materialism and Greed
The Environment
International Relations
NASA
Autism
Our Veterans
Patriotism
Energy
Lobbyists
Campaign Reform
Separation of Church and State
NRA
NPR
The Biased Media
Small Business
Insurance Companies
Banking and Finance
The Military
Oil Companies
The Arts
Zamboni Operators
Chicago Cubs Baseball



Tagline #1: The Pug - Will Work For Change

Tagline #2: The Pug - A Trying President For Trying Times

Tagline #3: The Pug - If You Shoot Me, Black Bart Becomes President

Tagline #4: NPR, NRA - The Pug Will Eliminate One of Them

.

35 comments:

foam said...

wow..
a trying pug with ambitions beyond being a lawn sprinkler ..
verily .. i think i'm impressed.
i did vote a few days ago. i voted for winnie the pooh .. you know .. he's stuffed with fluff and all. seemed like an appropriate write in candidate. but, i reckon i can go back and vote again. i wonder where the polling places are for foams.

ps: i think from now on k9 should do all promotional visuals for all the candidates ..

Little Lamb said...

Hmmmm, let's see you do it.

Little Lamb said...

You're going to be one busy pug. Will you have time for me?

dianne said...

Wow, Puggles my love you are sure cutting it a bit fine to run for a candidate for the Presidency.
Thats quite an ambitious platform you have to live up to but I'm sure you can handle it if elected.
You would have my vote but it wouldn't count.
Great artwork by K9, she is sure a talented girl. :)
I can just see you sitting there in the oval office with K9 as your First Lady but I have my doubts about Black Bart as your Vice President as I dont think he is loyal, he has his own agendas.
Another point too, I think you have broken Lil Lambie's heart and I'm not too impressed by being passed over either; so will you make some time for us both?
♥ :) xoxoxo

leelee said...

I like the sound of "Obey The Pug".....you certainly have MY vote!

HUGS 4 PUGS!! and votes too!

/t. said...

pug,

that's great!

but you're gonna need
many more attack ads to win

too much 'content' (attention to issues) and not enough crapping on whatever the other guys are doing just doesn't cut it any more -- yanks are far too sophisticated voters to elect someone with a clear and good idea -- so get with the program, buddy...

WHERE'S THE MUD?!?

we're pullin' for ya

/t.

GirlGoyle said...

I was torn between writing you in or Just a Cool Cat. See you have something in common - you both like puppies. Maybe you could join forces and go as a cohesion. Then I read your opinion on Ellen Degeneres and I was swayed. So here it is! Pug for President! Pug Forever!

K9 said...

pugs for mange! er, wait. i mean CHANGE. and im not talking changing the puppy's papers. grrherherhahahaha! i like your platform buddy. you have trouts vote as well, and goofy, rin tin tin, lassie and old yeller who votes at the old firestation.

my first act as first lady is to give the art credit to
http://www.obeythepurebreed.com/ and offer tax breaks to dog owners with lifetime passes to every national park.

obey the pug

Enemy of the Republic said...

From now on I will obey the pub, er, pug.

Wish I had read this before voting for my cat, Artemis.

Enemy of the Republic said...

May I put your image on my blog?

Serena said...

I can get with your programs, and I wrote you in. And listen, if you get shot, I'm okay with Black Bart. Um, he doesn't wear lipstick and/or a topknot, does he?:)

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - The Pug is Back! I'm already ordering a treadmill for the Oval Office, for my twice-a-day "walkies". Besides, I can't compete with those new-fangled in-ground automated sprinkler systems. I'm no John Henry in that regard.

***

Lamby - I'll consider that an endorsement. And if Slick Willy could make time for Monica, I'm sure I can find a way to sneak you in.

***

Dianne - I purposely waited until the last minute. Americans are notorious for their short attention spans. That's why ideally as a candidate I prefer to accompany each one of them to the voting machine. But there's unfortunately a new law prohibiting pugs from being within 10-miles of a polling place. i suspect discrimination.

And admittedly Black Bart is a question mark. But if I can find a way to harness and focus that evil, I think we can accomplish some good.

Finally, not to worry: if Slick Willy could make time for Monica, I'm sure I can find a way to sneak you and Lamby in (though I may have to "double my pleasure" with both of you at once, for better two-timing management.

***

Leelee - I knew I could count on you! Now I need for you to assist other voters down there who may still pose a threat to competent voting.

***

/t. - You're right! I KNEW I could rely on your common-sense Canadian logic! I shall take your advice, and refuse to discuss any of the additional issues.

***

Girlgoyle - Thanks, but no can do. I already went as a cohesion to this year's Halloween party.

***

K9 - For once, it's a good thing to have a campaign go to the dogs. Thanks for rounding up the stragglers. I can't wait to populate the White House with multiple litters of our offspring.

(p.s. - Will I still be able to disturb National Park tranquility with my snowmobile and drunkeness?)

***

Enemy - Of course you can! I would be flattered. (And now I'm off to start on my separate list of things that will specifically require your obedience.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Thanks! I knew I could sway you, other than on the dance floor and in paying for dinner!

The bad news is that Black Bart DOES have lipstick and a knot, but fortunately they are both located in the undercarriage region. Now all we need to do is convince Bart that he can't see Russians everywhere he looks.

foam said...

well, pug ..
maybe you can become the presidential advisor for the security of all dogs in national parks..

..................... said...

...and there's always 2012 ..
maybe you should start printing t-shirts ..

/t. said...

well,
the best pug lost --
i chaulk it up to one campaign
comment from your opponent, "you can put lipstick on a pug..."

who knew?!?

but hey, the best man won!

CONGRATULATIONS TO USA!

/t.

NYD said...

I was hoping that America would come to her senses and vote for you. Well it seems that you will have to try again in 2012.

dianne said...

Oh Puggles my love, better luck in 2012, I think that Black Bart and the lipstick comment was your undoing. ;)
And I was so looking forward to our clandestine 'meetings' in the oval office but that's ok, now you will have more time for Lambie and myself and the rest of your harem. :)
I think you will be happy with Obama as your President, he seems like a really good guy. ♥ :) xoxox

Little Lamb said...

Such a busy pug.

ANNA-LYS said...

Better luck next time :-)

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - To heck with that! This thing ain't over until the Obamas pick their official White House pooch. Why can't it be a pug? Why can't it be THIS Pug? All I have to do is continue to look cute and adorable, and hire a good Press Agent.

***

(back with more replies in a bit ...)

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Why stop at t-shirts? I want the "Pug in 2012" message everywhere. We'll start with thongs and g-strings and work our way up from there.

***

/t. - I expected more from people. They should have seen the lipstick as part of a smear campaign.

***

NYD - Easy for you to say. That's 28-dog years, pal.

***

Dianne - Well if Plan-B goes according to plan (and the Obamas adopt humble-yet-lovable Yours Truly as their White House canine), we'll STILL have use of the Oval Office. In fact, marking it as "Pug Territory" will be my first official act.

***

Lamby - I always make time to put the make on you, my little Q-Tip.

***

Anna-Lys - My luck is already improving with you here! Welcome, gorgeous!

/t. said...

maybe
a new wardrobe...

/t.

foam said...

ummmmmm ...
if you are hypoallergenic
you just might have a chance at being adopted ..
who can resist such charm and cuteness after all.
you're not a leg humper, are you? that probably wouldn't go over very well though ..
unless they neutered you, of course..

/t. said...

re: foam,

HA HAHA HAHA AH AHHA HA AHA HAHA HA AH AHA HAHA HA AH AHA HA HAH AHA AHAH HA HAHA HAH AH HAH AHA HA HA AH HA HA!

sorry, pug, but that strikes me as kind of humorous

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - No thanks. Unfamiliar wardrobe is a breeding ground for "wardrobe malfunctions". Plus I don't want to have to wait in line at Walmart to return the stuff in order to avoid charges of gold-digging.

***

Foam - We need to learn from the shortcomings* of the outgoing administration. One of many* was the brazen insensitivity to other cultures. I read somewhere that in Socialist Muslim countries, leg humping is a sign of genuine affection. So maybe this behavior needs not only to be tolerated, but celebrated. Leg humping just might be my path up the proverbial ladder to dizzying heights of distinguished diplomacy.

***

/t. - I want full credit for bringing Foam out of her shell.

K9 said...

....I read somewhere that in Socialist Muslim countries, leg humping is a sign of genuine affection...

grherhehrhahahaha!

cathy said...

As a replacement for Bush even your last bowel movement would be an improvement!

piktor said...

OBEY DAH PUG!

puerileuwaite said...

K9 - I just don't want the leg humping to be considered "bad" because of the association. Socialist Muslims probably like ice cream too (just only at certain times, and everyone has to chip in).

***

Cathy - I already tried that in 2004. But of course, one of his evil spin doctors pointed out that it looked just like a swift boat. Pretty soon everyone was wiping their hands of it.

***

Piktor - Welcome, buddy! You'll do well here with that attitude! And despite what our moms might say, blind obedience won't REALLY make you go blind.

Enemy of the Republic said...

PUG!


Sarah Palin may run in 2012! Quick! Get your platform ready--get thee hence to Iowa and start campaigning. Pick K9 as your running mate or Artemis if you don't mind a cat. May I have the honor of serving on your campaign as advisor to the Midwest voters--if I stay here any longer, I'll throw in the East Coast for free.


Think I'm going to use one of your pics on my silly blog.

foam said...

re: pug and leg humping ...

HA HA AH AHA HA HAH AHA AHAHA HAH AH HAH AHA HA

dianne said...

Well if they adopt you as the White House pug that would be lovely for you my sweet, all you will have to do is look cute and adorable which you are. Just think what a privileged life you will have, all of those big rooms to run around in, lots of trees to mark and lovely lawns to play on. So if they choose you please dont forget about us. :) ♥

Lol at Foamie. :)

piktor said...

O serene and pugnacious Pug of pugsters!

I thank with reverence your serene, auspicious and undeserved words of welcome and visionary commendations to not blindly be blinded by mom caveat emptorisms.

How true, how wise, how edifying, oh Pug of pugs.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - I'm way ahead of you. I've already selected a nice pair of platform shoes from the thrift store. And I humbly accept your offer (assuming it wasn't one of those "call within the next 20-minutes" deals). We have our work cut out for us, though. Sarah has FOUR years to get smart ... that's A LOT of magazines.

***

Foam - I will go ahead and assume you are laughing because of the sheer incongruity of those 2-images.

***

Dianne - I just want to go on record that any bare lawn spots and piles of excrement were caused/left by the previous administration.

***

Piktor - Thanks again. I don't mean to brag, but I find that my ongoing "thirst for knowledge" has served me well. For instance, I keep a dictionary at my side at all times; which of course I shall now use to decipher your comment.