Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Welcome to Puglypaloosa

Hello everybody,

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Black Bart. Perhaps you have heard of me. Perhaps you have seen the Wanted posters, high-school abstinence instructional videos or even one of my ubiquitous Craigslist p4ww ads. If not, you lead a wretchedly sheltered life, and in that case it's a good thing I've come along.

As Chairman of the 1st Annual Puglypaloosa, I would like to welcome all of you to the festivities. I would, but let's not kid ourselves. I would take out restraining orders on certain ones (I'm sure you know who you are; if unsure, ask a coworker), if it were within my power to do so. So let's simply say that more than a slight majority* (* when factoring in first-time blog visitors) are welcome, and leave it at that.

Rest assured my cohort Puerileuwaite has been busy tending to all aspects in preparing the 1st Annual Puglypaloosa to - indeed - be the best damned Puglypaloosa ever. As you can imagine, this is no easy feat. It has required months of blog (and personal hygiene) neglect. Relationships with fictional role-based online virtual companions have suffered, as have his stud duties at the local puppy mill.

And please don't get him started on the loss of Ted Kennedy's vacant Senate seat to a Republican during his extended absence from the campaign trail. The regret is almost too much to bear, and he has many nightmares about beloved "Uncle Teddy" rolling over his Oldsmobile in his grave.

Fortunately Puerileuwaite accepted my humble offer of Chairmanship (and CFO) of Puglypaloosa, as this has eased the burden of cash and (immediate) responsibility, allowing him to focus his energies on the logistics.

I believe the results will speak for themselves, both through the actual experience and eventually - plaintiff and defendant testimony.

It started as a dream. A vapor, perhaps. A festival of fun and enlightenment, devoid of commercial trappings, pandering to celebrity, and quest for profit. Then reality set in. "Pug, (I said) won't this type of festival attract free-loaders, deadbeats, ne'er-do-wells, and - at the risk of being redundant - non-Americans?"

He saw my point.

"Okay, I see your point. I'll place you in charge of turning a profit to cover expenses. You'll run concessions, concierge and medical services. Just make sure prices are fair, products and amusements are of good quality, and all services are non-exploitative of our patrons."

At least that's what I think he said. I get distracted after 3-consecutive sentences. The same thing happened in prison.

Throughout Puglypaloosa, I shall be checking in with tips and advice to maximize your experience, and make sure you are enjoying yourselves (even if no one else enjoys you).

Remember to visit one of our fine concession stands, concierge desks, or medical huts during your all-too-brief stay. We take paper or plastic.

Altruistically yours,


bearly domesticated boneman said...

Welcome, Sir Black Bart!
And, let me share my Favorite King with you!
(you'll love it! I make the best anywhere!)

anymoose said...

i have read your post and find it highly informative on the subject matter you are writing of. it will help and aid me in any research concerning future projects of mine. if you would like to know of said future projects you can click and go to this link "www.bigboobsz.com". before you go there you must comply with my rules. it is vitallly important that you leave me a tip. if you do not you will be visited by my big boys named ivan and sven. so, now that all is clear, please direct me to your pharmaceuticals and the stand with the foaming beer.

Anonymous said...

it's uh...
wow, man...

so many colors!

uh, are you expecting many chicks? you know... with bigboobz... just wonderin'


Little Lamb said...

Black Bart is so adorable! Can he show me around?

puerileuwaite said...
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Black Bart said...

Boneman - Thanks for the offer, but I am not ready for Don King in culinary form.


anymoose - You found my post "highly informative"? Looks like you dipped into the pharmaceuticals and beer prior to arrival, so you are therefore denied admission.


/t. - Of COURSE I'm expecting many chicks. No way I'm getting fooled again by man-boobs. This time a mandatory back-hair checkpoint shall be in place.


Little Lamb - Why honey, I'll be glad to show you things in different shapes

bearly domesticated boneman said...

no no
Chicken ala....
Don...that's funny.

dianne said...

Welcome Black Bart, you are such a sweet little thing, I cannot believe that you would be capable of the crimes you have mentioned in your first paragraph ... you are too damn cute.

So I see you are the Chairman of the 1st Annual Puglypaloosa and you are taking care of things here while Puerileuwaite puts the finishing touches on the prepartions for the festivities.
I hope that since I am a 'non American' that I will be invited to atttend? xo ♡

dianne said...

That was meant to be 'attend' with two 't's' not three, forgive my stutter, but I was overcome with anticipation of my acceptance. xo ♡

Black Bart said...

Boneman - "Chicken a la" is the last selection from either list that I would have predicted in your case. You, sir, continue to amaze.


Dianne - Why thank you. I'll need you to write letters to the authorities in my defense. They just may believe it if it's coming from you.

And maybe we can work out some sort of "dual-citizenship" deal in order to make us both legit.


Helene said...

soooooooooo cute!
Though judging from his signature (and you might want to have that formally analyzed...) he is clearly bad bad bad to the bone!

Happy Weekend!! =]]

boneman said...

I noticed your chest full of medals!
All previous conquests? or did someone take you to the Army Surplus store?
Actually (no...not really)
Maybe they are your present duties.
One of them has on it, "Bark at strangers"
Another, "Go outside for business"

Unfortunately you barked out the window at strangers to let you out, then, none coming to do so, you businessed by the door?
(You can always tell your people..."You can have the money in the envelope, or, what's in the box, ...or DOOR NUMBER TWO!" which, by the way will be easy to spot as there's some #2 waiting there....)

(Don't you hate nit-picking computer contraption? They've gone and put red wavy lines under my "businessed" and i meant it as a verb. Picky computer contraptions!)

foam said...

i'll just stand at the gate and peek in with forlorn eyes since i'm denied admission. ._.

Serena said...

Oh, bloody hell, it finally started and I missed the premiere! Will Black Bart ever forgive me? Oh, of course he will. I always have puppy treats in my pockets and will scratch his adorable little ears 'til his eyes roll back in doggie delirium. I'm going to stroll around now and take in the sights -- and try to avoid the medical huts.:)

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leelee said...

Oh Black Bart...SWWOOOOOOOON...he is the cutest ever.

K...got my wine sack and peasant blouse..I'm ready for the festivities..albeit quite late...hope its still going on!