Monday, November 09, 2009

Mid-Season Lineup


Hi everybody,

First off, whew! What a comeback! That wore me out for well over a month! But as the immortal writer Jack Frost once, ahem, wrote: "I have many promises to go before I sleep around".

And one promise of mine was a continuation of my Comeback Tour post. So here goes, as promised.


When we last left off, this Pug was busy "copping a plea", er, sincerely explaining why I hadn't posted all summer. Please allow me to pick up where I left off.

However, not exactly where I left off.

You see, in retrospect I realize that my last post was chock full of what some of you may perceive as "negativity". Frankly, it seems strictly to be a list of downers which served as a catalyst for my summer seclusion. And while in some so far undiscovered circles this could garner me some "pity sex", rest assured that this was not my intention. Entirely.


Rather, perhaps on a semi-conscious level it was a "cleansing" of toxic vibes that must occur before creativity can once again blossom just in time for winter.

So in the guise of that spirit I dedicate this post to one of our most positive endeavors: creativity.

And as you shall see, my hiatus from blogging did not completely consist of scampering away from the bad, but also a reaffirmation of the good. For without it, this butterfly likely never would have emerged from his humble cocoon as a PROFESSIONAL writer.


It all started back in late April when some network suits discovered this blog and approached me about applying my skills to television. As you can imagine, I was highly insulted at the suggestion that I would readily lower my standards for a quick wad of cash. And also by their unwillingness to let me keep the briefcase along with the cash.

However I was intrigued by the offer. Perhaps they came to me not unlike the Three Wise Men following the UFO to Britney Spears' house. Was this a case of divine intervention? Lord knows, I've become so weary of the other forms.

Maybe it was indeed my calling to restore originality and fresh non-cocaine-fueled* (* not until I'm successful; it's a vow I've taken) thought to a cultural outlet which has sadly lacked any genuine cultural significance for quite some time. So I turned insult into challenge; poverty into promise. And in the process, yours truly has developed a few new show concepts that you just may enjoy come January as mid-season replacements. Such as ...


Small Medium At Large

A certain Pug (whom by now we should all be uncomfortably familiar with) discovers he has Extra-Sensory Perception. And rather than taking the obvious path of ensuring he is always present for female celebrity wardrobe malfuctions and lottery outcomes, he chooses instead to use his powers to help others. The Pug alerts what is left of the unbiased media to upcoming bribes of Republican congressmen, feeds information of impending stock upticks to worthy, underfunded charities (such as public education), and warns of planned Nora Ephron films, amongst other noble pursuits.

As you can imagine, this makes him a target for retribution from an array of villians, including Rush Limbaugh, Silvia Browne and even Miss Cleo. And so our intrepid do-gooder must always remain in the shadows and on the run.


Survivor: Kanye West, Meet Kenya East

Think you're a bad-ass mo-fo here stateside? Well then we are all sure you'll do just as well in the wilds of Kenya. Hopefully for your sake we won't have to remark on how the previous seasons' survivors did a better job of, um, surviving.


There's Something About Cheney

No longer is he supposed to be serving our country, so there is no better time to come out of hiding and into the limelight. However there are a few notable differences from the film of a plagiarizingly similar name and concept. For example:

- Cheney does not look as delicious in HIS micro-skirts and other outfits as Cameron Diaz
- The Tucker character is on crutches due to being shot by Cheney on a hunting trip
- I had to remove all references to charity work
- The bleeder was shot in the crotch by Dick Cheney during a hunting trip
- Had to combine the "Woogie" character into Cheney's in order to infuse personality and increase likability with test audiences


Intervention: The Town Hall Hecklers

Was this Pug the only one to notice that virtually EVERY Town Hall Meeting heckler was unhealthy in appearance? Here's a thought: maybe if most* (* except of course for those with true disabilities) of them gave up cheap beer, overflowing nacho platters and endless cartons of smokes; perhaps even - perish the thought - occasionally choosing to park more than 10-feet away from any given building entrance, you wouldn't constantly NEED the equally bloated health care system currently in place.

(And this Pug wouldn't need to chastise you with his trademark, horrendous run-on sentences.)

Just a thought. But what do I know? I'm only one of the many dumbasses who pay into a system that I never use, and cringe at the thought of using, for fear of the hellacious lines of overindulging self-absorbed 300-pounders, hypochondriacs and yes - illegal immigrants - ahead of me.


So here is my idea. Let's take these system-clogging forms of human cholesterol and make them contestants on MY version of one of the better reality shows already out there: "The Biggest Loser". Not only would this give us an endless stream of entertainingly whiney participants; it should also reduce our health care costs via either death or improved health.

Winner gets 3-lifetime prescriptions of their choice along with tax-free, rent-free relocation of their mobile home to a Republican district.


Jon and Kate Plus Hate

No one enjoys a good train wreck like yours truly. Along with 99% of the rest of us. So why not keep this show going? All it needs is a little fine-tuning in order to make it more "accessible" to older demographics. They already have the classic / traditional large family. So all we need to do is compensate for relatively Gen-Y aspects such as the interracial couple and Kates' hairstyle. We can accomplish this with "retro" introductions such as chronic alcoholism, verbal abuse, domestic violence and the Bupkis family pack of dogs next door. Perhaps even add a prize lamp in the window that gets smashed as part of a recurring South Park ("You Killed Kenny! You bastards!") style hook.


Jurassic Park IV: The Republicans

Admit it. How many of you thought this particular movie franchise had run its course? All of us, right? Well not so fast. We're not out of predatory dinosaurs just yet. Only this variety are trapped in their own yellowing skin instead of amber. Plus curiously and instinctively they leave the rich alone, preying only on the leaner "free-range" middle-class and poor. And adding to the paranoia, based on early focus group suggestions: they are capable of reproducing asexually.


So You Think You Can Polka?

I don't have to tell you just how popular those television reality dance shows are with the viewing public. Or how popular certain "folk dancing" establishments are for a certain intoxicated Pug on a business trip and expense account. Or how the fine art of Polka dancing has been blatently ignored as the mainstream entertainment juggernaut that it should be. Picture frosty steins of beer, large-breasted women in dirndls (Polka-ing with other large-breasted women in dirndls) and Polka-Polka-Polka! Why it would only be a matter of time until Polka bars and Polish cuisine* are all the rage.

(* which should also supply more contestants for my aforementioned "Intervention" show. This is known in the industry as "symbiosis". Cha-Ching!)


MTV Crypts

A film crew shows up to the home of a new annoying celebrity* every week. Under the promise of featuring them on "MTV Cribs", the crew steps through the ruse until it's time for a break over cocktails. It soon becomes apparent to the celebrity that his/her drink has been laced with Rohypnol. The second part of the show reveals the now fully conscious and horrified celebrity in a specially designed crypt which "echos" the decor of their crib.

(* assuming we can identify / locate any)


I Am Legend: The Last Ethical Businessman

This premise should be self-explanatory. The major concern here is managing to last an entire half-season.


Are You Smarter Than An OctoMom?

You already know the answer to this question: NO, we are not. For the rest of us are apparently too stupid to parlay socially reckless behavior into serious amounts of cold, hard cash and fame.

However I was tasked with development of the proper vehicle for that fame. So here goes ...

In a bastardization of "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?", the Einsteins of NASCAR face off against OctoMom and her octets for knowledge supremacy. Categories will include "Boring Sports - 1st Grade Level" and "Methods of Birth Control - 5th Grade Level".


Shim-Pak: Carpenter by Day, Rapper by Night

From nailing the wood to delivering the goods. Is this homie on the level, or simply framed for failure?


Finding The Next Kardashian

Discovering legendary cultural and entertainment talent a la the Barrymores - as Hollywood insiders will attest - is rarer than finding that hooker with a heart of gold. However just as in the case of the hooker, we should never stop trying. This reality show seeks to expedite that quest via a methodical approach based upon the most current, proven template.



***


I hope you enjoyed this little foray into the creative development process that we PROFESSIONAL writers go through in order to feed the public's insatiable appetite for quality placation.

Until next time, I bid you happy viewing.

.

90 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

Pics to be added when/if I find the time. Hope you like it.

foam said...

first off ....
i was completely shocked to find a post ...


but that was to be expected ...
and thank goodness for the shot of whiskey at hand ..
it quickly calmed my shocked nerves.

i read to "please allow me to pick up where i left off".
i figure if i read a paragraph at a time this might last me to xmas or valentine's day ... i might stretch it out to a sentence at a time.

i have to leave now .. for some reason i'm in the mood to fill up my steins with foamy beer, eat polish sausage and rock away .. oops, polka away the night.

leelee said...

Oh that was wonderful...look its about Quality not Quantity..well thats what "they" keep telling me...

Seriously (or not) that was wonderful. I especially liked the mention of Drindls..you know that holds a special place in my heart...as do you Puggles!!

HUGS 4 PUGS!

/t. said...

i wish
that more
writers like
you WOULD go
to television -- it would make paying those cable bills through the nose seem less of a rip off

great piece, guy -- truly a pug creative masterwork

/t.

dianne said...

I started to read this before my sweet but had to go out for a while...gosh when you come back you really do come back!
Well it is lovely to have you here with us and you are in fine form with your ideas.
I don't know of all of these shows that you mention, they must all be American and I am guessing that these are your ideas to improve the shows and make them more entertaining.
I have heard of Jurassic Park, Southpark and Survivor, I'm sorry sweet I don't watch much TV.
I did however get a cringe out of your mention of 'octomom', I think that is a disgrace and feel for the welfare of those babies.
Also I cannot get the vision out of my head of large breasted women in dirndl skirts dancing the polka with other women dressed the same...now you have made me feel like trying a large frosted stein of beer...where will this all end?
Great to have you back. xo ♥

Helene said...

You had me at 'Pity Sex' lmao... but then I got to the 'So you Think you can Polka' concept... Wow! hehehe Btw I CAN actually polka. (ya little known fact) Although I dont look nearly as cute as your girl... I may just audition...

Very funny and creative pug! You always deliver (well in your posts at least... Im staying outta your personal life! hehehe)

Have a great day and thanks for the early morning chuckle!

Serena said...

What?! A new post? So soon?! Color me shocked! I'm sorry for all your trials and tribulations and awed by the HUMONGOUS amount of work that went into this post, but all I really want to know is, where can I get the Pity Sex tee-shirt and the Cheney poster?;)

dianne said...

Wow that's more colourful my sweet, you have added some pictures. ♡

dianne said...

Lol, Puggles I just love the 'pity sex' tee shirt... but I wonder how many 'pug pelts' went into the making of that fur coat?
Scary to think about it!!! xoxoxo ♡

Little Lamb said...

You have come back to us!

foam said...

you always find just the right visuals to go with your posts .. :)
although the dirndl i had when i was twenty did not look anything like what is pictured above ...
never could quite fill it out either .. :/

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Is it my fault I've been reprogrammed to do things in moderation? It's supposed to be healthier, and reduce swelling.

***

Leelee - FINALLY! A woman who prefers quality over quantity. And unlike Foam, you probably wouldn't mind me taking my time. This has me smilin' even more than Smilin' Bob from the Enzyte commercials.

And yes, thanks to you I know my way around a dirndl.

***

/t. - Thanks buddy. I really appreciate the kind words. And remember: it only takes one to start a petition* (* as I unfortunately know too well).

If everyone could get me to Hollywood, I solemnly promise to send for each of you. Time permitting.

***

I have to run out for a bit, but shall be back soon to resume catching up on comment correspondence!

***

bearly domesticated boneman said...

wait!
You forgot the commercials!

(geez...always someone complaining....

bearly domesticated boneman said...

)

puerileuwaite said...

Diane - Once again, it truly is good to be back. I always miss blogging with my friends when I cannot do so. Hopefully I can get back into a much more frequent and consistent groove.

I fought the urge when writing this particular post, to not break it up into installments and instead stay in the flow. I know the resulting length may make it tough on those with short attention spans* (* which I often suffer from). But of course it's perfectly alright to read over multiple visits.

I don't watch much TV either. Mostly due to my crazy lifestyle (or lack thereof), but also because most of it is really bad. There ARE way too many poor examples of human beings being rewarded for their behavior with television exposure.

***

I still need to catch up on my replies (and also with all of you on your blogs). Stay tuned. See you tomorrow! Same post, same comment section!

ANNA-LYS said...

I knew it ... ESP

:-O

puerileuwaite said...

Diane - Women who don't watch a lot of television tend to scare me. I worry that they'll try to force me to go out and do things. That could be a problem unless there's dirndls and beer in the deal.

puerileuwaite said...

Helene - Technically, I'd prefer to also have you WITH the pity sex. We could even slip some Polka somewhere in the middle.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - I'll color you anything you want, but I get to use body paint and my highly-personalized tactile approach.

I'm not sure I can stomach the Cheney poster request, however I AM willing to work out some sort of arrangement for the pity sex t-shirt.

puerileuwaite said...

Diane - Glad you liked the pix. You were one of the early birds who were "privileged" to see the post in mid-construction. Perhaps you even glimpsed me in my hard-hat, shouting sexual innuendoes from the scaffolding above.

However, no worries about the fur coat, as it is actually constructed from would-be Pug rivals. PROFESSIONAL wrting is a cut-throat business.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Indeed I have. Hope you enjoyed my ideas, Lambycakes.

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - It doesn't matter if your dirndl was different. The Pug embraces dirndls in all forms. It also doesn't matter if you didn't fill out your dirndl. It simply allows more freedom of Pug movement. You should know that the Pug is NOT a "dirndl discriminator".

puerileuwaite said...

Boneman - Hmmmm ... commercials, you say? Gee, I hadn't thought of those. Let me see if I can dredge up some sponsors.

puerileuwaite said...

Anna-Lys - I KNEW you'd know about the ESP. Now let me work on my telepathy skills, and see if I can compromise Swedish neutrality.

puerileuwaite said...

Yay! All caught up on my comments!

K9 said...

grrrrrrherhahahahaha watching out for the next nora ephron film! thats funny.

all of these show concepts are far better than what is actually offered! i liked your idea for mtv crypts but thought it might be about former hot entertainers now saggin and baggin like pam anderson and steven tyler. or just plain weird like madona the other white meat. come to think of it, you start in a crib and ya end in a crib too.

your description of the town hall hecklers reminds me of the people of wal mart website. have you ever seen that? its a lot of fun, but of course i know you see these kinds of things all the time as you search for the next miss pity sex.

you know, i have never ever ever felt that sorry for anyone.

dianne said...

Have a Happy Thanksgiving my sweet and don't eat too much turkey or you might pass out then some opportunistic woman might take advantage of you in your weakened state. :D xoxo ♡

puerileuwaite said...

K9 - Yes, I HAVE seen the "People of Walmart" website. But I try to stay off of it because I think romance should be spontaneous.

BTW I have good news! My motto* dove-tails quite nicely with your last statement. So I'll be right over with a twist-off bottle of bubbly!

(* "Pug means never having to say you're sorry")

puerileuwaite said...

Diane - Thank you for the well-wishes and warning. I shall do my best to stay alert by eating in moderation and avoiding the stuffing.

Little Lamb said...

I like it when you call me lambycakes.

puerileuwaite said...

Lambycakes - Thy will be done, my wooly little dessert item.

Little Lamb said...

Ig I'm your little dessert item, you can be mine too. I'll put you in box and box you all in and take you home.

bearly domesticated boneman said...

DANG!
I just GOTTA get to Roscoes for one of those rugs!
(my hair's starting to thin, don't you know)

Helene said...

Pug I invited you... feel me 'waving'? lol

/t. said...

HEY...

is MY lamb
flirting with YOU?!?

fickle being she be

/t.

dianne said...

Well Puggles, I didn't say you had to avoid the 'stuffing', that's the best part my sweet.
I see you have already chosen Lil Lamby for your dessert item and have plans for the rest of the girls.
I don't watch a lot of TV and that should not scare you, I wouldn't force you to go out and to do things, surely we could reach a compromise. ♡

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Pink said...

damn it! I knew I should have renewed my cable subscription.

drats!

xx
pinks

Serena said...

I'm willing to forego the mask for the shirt -- IF the body paint colors are pretty enough. Deal?;)

/t. said...

i only
come here for
the chinese porn

:)

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - It's a deal. From now on I'm your little Terror Misu.

***

Boneman - You'd better hurry. I hear they're closing soon.

***

Helene - I feel like Steve Martin in The Jerk: "things are gonna start happening now!".

***

/t. - Did you say "pickled lamb"? Mmmmmmm.

***

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - It's a deal. You can go out and then report your experiences to me on the couch in 2-minute sound bites. That's a relationship that could possibly work for me

***

Anonymous - Easy for you to say.

***

PINKS!!! - WHERE have you been? I missed you. Trust me, we won't need cable to entertain ourselves. (That's what satellite is for.)

***

Serena - The way I apply them, color will be the least of your concerns.

***

Anonymous - Please, call me Wang, and promise that it won't leave me hungry again in 5-minutes.

***

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - That's exactly why we need tariffs on that stuff. I need people visiting my blog for the domestic product that's been subjected to careful government inspection, regardless of cost.

***

dianne said...

Nice to see you visiting again my sweet, you have been gone for too long. ♡

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/t. said...

i also
come here for
the financial advice

:)

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - The doctor said I could venture out again under supervision.

***

Annoynymous - Once again, you have guessed correctly. You probably are really good at that "Lady or the Tiger" game. I should like to find out.

$2,000 per day x 265 = $530,000, assuming one does not take time off.

I think I could live on that. Perhaps even flourish. Plus I could have my enemies vanquished.

Now I simply need to come up with 20 100-dollar bills, so I may buy into your offshore advanced asset management technology.

Which is brilliant, by the way. We all know how volatile oil and gas can be. But the PIPES for them are not, so there's little danger in getting shafted.

And though I am glad there are structures around the world, I've been infatuated with Panama ever since Van Halen's "1984".

And like Manuel Noriega, I too am ready to surrender. To my fantasy of quick wealth, that is. Then maybe I can get women investors to be interested in my pipe for taking up income.

They too are probably tired of having their savings used in the wrong way, and are fed up with the nastiness of the life.

***

/t. - No fair, buddy. This opportunity was clearly intended for yours truly. But if all goes according to plan, I'll soon cut you in on the action and at least help "mitigate" some of the nastiness of the Canadian life.

/t. said...

pug,

MERRY WHATEVER
VOODOO YOODOO, BUDDY
&
BEST WISHES IN THE NEW YEAR

/t.

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dianne said...

Merry Christmas Puggles my sweet, I couldn't let the day go by without wishing you a lovely Christmas.
I did my Christmas post just after 12am this morning, didn't think I would get it done and I haven't had the time or the energy to visit all of my friends...I've been in hospital with heart problems...have to take it quietly for a copuple of days and I will be OK.
Love and blessings to you, Dianne. xoxo ♡

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsly, darling, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and will enjoy a happy New Year. I took a page from your book and just stopped writing because I must make some time to sleep, right? However, my hiatus is never missed as much as yours.

Perhaps in the New Year I might have something to say, eh? xoxo

foam said...

ditto what chinese anonymous said .. i think .. hmmm ..

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Thanks. It was a Merry Christmas. Hope yours was equally nice. Happy New Year to you and the entire /t. family.

***

Anonymous - Scientology is COMPLETELY legit. I would check your sources. Good thing me and my minions cannot determine who you are.

***

Dianne - OMG, I hope everything is okay. My thoughts are with you. Please take careful care of yourself.

Thank you for the well wishes, and I am wishing you them back in double the amount!

XO

***

Sassy - I sure hope so. I have missed you and your always entertaining blog updates. Though I'm not sure I want to know what you've been up to, especially if you've been unfaithful to me.

Hopefully you've simply just been locked into the same horrible work-sleep-work cycle that I've forced to endure* (* until my Princess Charming rescues me ... hint, hint).

***

Foam - Et tu, Foamy? I would expect Anonymous to be brazen in his/her/it's commentary. But from you it really hurts* (* assuming you were sober at the time). But in the spirit of the season I'm willing to forgive.

Anonymous said...

An Original recording of a Lady GaGa Hit was Dug Up this morning with no traces of where it originated from.
Some say that it was found in GaGa's Record Label's headquarters.

More info at http://ladygagaunreleased.blogspot.com

Free Download of the single at http://tinyurl.com/gagaunreleased

puerileuwaite said...

Anonymous - How COULD you? I buried it for a reason. Thanks a lot.

foam said...

sober, moi? neva ..
anyways,
happy new year, puerileuwaite ..

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Happy New Year!

puerileuwaite said...

Happy New Year, everybody! Be safe and take care. See all of you in 2010!

dianne said...

Happy New Year my sweet, I hope 2010 is a great one for you. ♡

My heart, whether it be broken or a little damaged, not a good asset for a girl really but I am on the mend.
Coming over here is the best medicine for me, your comments are so very clever and you always make me laugh. :-) xo ♡

Serena said...

Happy New Year, Pugsley! I hope 2010 is very, very good to deserving little pugs.;)

ANNA-LYS said...

Happy New Year <3

Serena said...

Pugsley, is it going to take begging and groveling to get a new post out of you? I'm not so good at groveling but, okay, here goes. Please????? ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - I DO have a feeling 2010 shall be one of the better years in ... well ... years!

And ditto for you. The cream always rises to the top, as they say. And you deserve the best that life has to offer.

Thank you for your kind words. I love making others laugh (when I can). That makes me feel good.

XO

***

Serena - How about non-deserving Pugs? Please say we too are included.

***

Anna-Lys - Right back at ya, my delicious Swedish little meatball.

<# ... oops, I had the Shift-Lock on ... I meant <3

***

Serena - Eureka! You've discovered THE secret for painfully extracting a new post out of me!

(Normally I wait until Sassy says that it's time.)

But since you ARE a natural redhead, I MUST do your bidding, gorgeous.

A new post to follow shortly ...

/t. said...

pug,

    <3 = heart
    E> = mechanical heart
    £> = gay heart (careful!)
    <# = heart attack, call 911

know yr code, buddy,
knö yr cöd

/t.

Anonymous said...

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bearly domesticated boneman said...

well, sorry buddy but the secret's out.
Poked a picture of you and your girlfriend over at silly stuff.
OK OK I did it a couple days ago.
And, sure....
I posted something else.
But, dog!
Even I been to FLORIDA and back!
shoot.
I thought we were all going to meet for Mai tais (if they're non-alcoholic, that is) (well...in fact, I'll just have apple cider) and seagull grabbing!
Takes a bit before you can get a good enough grip on their shoulders without losing a finger to their beaks.


d=))

ANNA-LYS said...

Hello Pug,
Are You posting somewhere else, so I can return a comment upon Yours, this is a extremely old one, guess You never visit it Yourself?

(( hugs ))

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/t. said...

anonymous,

you have real way
with words there, buddy

actually, having my money utilized by your companion so that you can share the profits sounds a lot like the deal i get now from my own bank -- thanks, though

/t.

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/t. said...

now yr talkin'!

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/t.

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Thank you for your patience (except for YOU, anonymous, if indeed that IS your real name). I hope you enjoy Puglypaloosa. I shall revisit these comments and finish my responses real soon.

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Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

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