Friday, February 17, 2012

Puglypaloosa News

Nigerian underwear bomber gets life sentence

DETROIT -- Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who tried to blow up a Detroit-bound international flight with an underwear bomb on Christmas Day 2009 on behalf of al-Qaida, was sentenced to life in prison without parole Thursday.

Photo of either Abdulmutallab or one of the Jackson 5

Abdulmutallab, 25, the son of a wealthy Nigerian banker, pleaded guilty in October and admitted he was on a suicide mission for al-Qaida when he tried to detonate explosive chemicals hidden in his underwear minutes before the plane landed at Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Fortunately there was no one in Detroit at the time, as they were all attending job fairs in other cities.

In order to illustrate the magnitude of the threat, Puglypaloosa spokespug Black Bart stated that - as part of the Puglypaloosa 4th of July fireworks extravaganza - he plans to demonstrate the destructive force of explosives similar to those Abdulmutallab carried, by placing some in a random diaper provided to visitors as one of many amenities available in Puglypaloosa public restroom facilities.

The government said Abdulmutallab first performed a ritual in the airplane lavatory — brushing his teeth, perfuming himself, then briefly making out with Britney Spears in a stewardess outfit — and returned to his seat.

The device didn't work as planned, but still produced flame, smoke and panic in the cabin. His groin was badly burned, similar in fashion to an infamous coffee spill / flirting rebuff incident suffered by a heavily-intoxicated Puglypaloosa patron during a return flight to Boston in 2011.

On a related topic, self-appointed "defendant-advocate" Black Bart so far has allegedly failed to return unused bail money wired to his bank account from Abdulmutallab's Nigerian relatives.

Reports from the prison where Abdulmutallab is being held, confirm that fellow inmates have so far been reluctant to approach the underwear bomber and introduce themselves to him in their traditional, amorous fashion.

- Scoop Puerileuwaite, Puglypaloosa Press / Neuters News Agency

.

50 comments:

foam said...

Aha! So here is the real scoop on the undie bomber. None of this fake news and conspiracy this conspiracy that b.s. to be found here. Way to go on stellar news reporting, pug.

/t. said...

life?!?

is that all?

i think this dickhead
should have been sentenced
to a live demonstration of how it
all was supposed to have worked -- not on an airplane, of course, but in his cell -- perhaps while engaged in a typical jailhouse amorous embrace with fellow inmate khalid sheikh mohammed

this line of thinking might explain why i am seldom called upon to testify at sentencing hearings

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Foamy - Thank you. I figure one more scoop like this one - maybe two at the most - and I am guaranteed for the Puglitzer prize.

***

/t. - I agree. But it is refreshing to hear it from one of my (presumably) peace-loving neighbors in the 51st state.

What angers me the most, is how this jerk managed to associate underwear with terrorism. Now, innocent citizens like myself and especially Foamy are afraid to wear undergarments in public.

foam said...

Pfffffff.. You are incorrigible, aren't you?

puerileuwaite said...

Foamy - That is what the conspiracy nuts want you to think.

Serena said...

My goodness, I've had some problems with undies before -- you don't want to know -- but they've never near-detonated for political purposes. I just don't think I feel strongly enough about anything to blow up my bloomers over it. Tell Black Bart to be very, very careful with that diaper. We don't want to see any flaming doggie fur.;)

puerileuwaite said...

Since you do fit the profile, it is my civic duty to ensure that your undies clear a rigorous safety inspection. However, per protocol I am required to defer to the bomb squad for risk analysis.

Anonymous said...

CLEARED FOR TAKE-OFF

- Bomb Squad

Little Lamb said...

You gotta watch out for all those guys.

puerileuwaite said...

Anonymous - Roger. Commence the countdown while I secure the payload.

***

Lamby - Good point. And that is why I have sponsored a bill which mandates wedgies based on racial profiling.

K9 said...

why havent the TSA required us to put underwear in the bin with our shoes? I check all my bottle rockets and M80's anyway. oh wait -thats right. thanks to this guy we get to go through a microwave machine -well not me - i "opt out" and then rag on the junk fondler about working for the dark side.

puerileuwaite said...

K9 - I too seem to be a target for the "luggage handlers".

However if I were YOUR TSA agent, the only flight you'd make is MY "flight of fancy". I'd full-body-scan you so many times, you'd glow in the dark. I'd go into more detail, but unfortunately it would jeopardize my TSA certification.

The key is to flirt. Here are a few examples:

"See anything you like?"

"They're almost fully ripe."

"Where I come from, they call that third base."

"Normally you'd have to buy me dinner first."

"Why is it that you can have a blow-up doll at home, but not at the airport?'

"Good thing you're not looking for drugs."

"Certain body parts have been out of my possession since I arrived at the terminal."

"A stranger asked me to carry his baby."

"Of course I'm wearing spurs. I'm a Sky Marshall."

Pink said...

I usually wear short skirts and try to blow up other people's underwear.

Just sayin'

xox
Pinks

boneman said...

Well, it almost seems fair...
I mean, you got the scoop on this guy.
I usually get the scoop when I take the dog out.
Cute Katy Coyote seems to have a magic leprachaun up her butt, though, because sometimes I have to leave the scooper behind and get a shovel, instead.
But...
it all works out.

and as for this guy?
geez....
maybe he'll get so bored he'll start banging his head against the concrete walls....
Maybe...

boneman said...

OR....

perhaps he was just stupid?
He had HEARD that if you light your farts they make a blue flame, and that if you actually lit the...uh... lit the... uh, fuel ? maybe it would turn different colors?

I dunno.
I think that all this rigamaroll could be bypassed, if, everyone is given a robe to wear...and nothing else, save slippers.
Call it a pajama party flight.
Easy smeasy!

and, so what if bits get flashed once and a while, eh?
I'll be glad to look at each and everyone of them...
usually WITH a compliment.
"What a mighty fine ass you have there, mam."
mumble mumble mumble
"Oh...that's your HUSBAND, you say? Oh yes...I see that now. It seems that was HIS ass I complimented?"
mumble mumble mumble
"uh, no sir. I don't actually swing that way...but you might want to ask the fella in seat #26."
mumble mumble
"you're both welcome..."
d=^))

and a big smile...

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Well in THAT case, I would like to fly YOUR friendly skies.

***

Boneman - There are too many new concerns with your "robe" approach. For one, the only thing we should ever notice in the "locked and upright position" are the tray tables. Also, we should only have to worry about ONE Delta: the airline. Finally, the friction generated by sliding past other passengers while returning to one's seat, could generate sparks (just like on the Hindenberg). I am starting to think that hitchhiking may be the safer form of transit.

boneman said...

so, if I happen to see a Pug hitch hiking the highway, and the car is full of nude models heading for the Virgins in Pornography Convention in Hawaii (that's going to be some trick, driving to Hawaii) then I should pick you up?

okie dokie.

puerileuwaite said...

Boneman - Certainly! Not only am I a Born-Again Virgin; I am also an experienced Oil Pug (for the models) as well.

foam said...

pug,

you must have a
business called
'pug's oil' -
also providing
oil and oil plug
services at the home ..

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Thanks for your endorsement. It is SO important that this type of maintenance be left to the professionals, and that it be performed every 3,000 miles under severe use (unless you opt for my "synthetic" package - in that case we can stretch it to every 5,000 miles).

Pink said...

Hi Puppy :)

Thanks for stopping by lots lately

xoxoxoxoxox
Pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Sure thing! I only ask for two things in return:

1) I get to crash at your flat during the London Olympics (I am on the Bobsled team)

2) You add me to your "Things For Which I'm Grateful List", right before "Sex!!"

That is all for now.

cathy said...

Note to self, when you go to up the parliament in Athens avoid knicker bombs. ( just popped by so you know I haven't died :)

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy: Play it once, Black Bart. For old times' sake.

Black Bart: [lying, which is very uncharacteristic of him] I don't know what you mean, Miss Cathy.

Cathy: Play it, Bart. Play "As Time Goes By."

Bart: [lying] Oh, I can't remember it, Miss Cathy. I'm a little rusty on it.

Cathy: I'll hum it for you. Da-dy-da-dy-da-dum, da-dy-da-dee-da-dum...

[Bart begins playing]

Cathy: Sing it, Bart.

Bart: [howling You must remember this / A kiss is still a kiss / A sigh is just a sigh / The fundamental things apply / As time goes by. / And when two lovers woo, / They still say, "I love you" / On that you can rely / No matter what the future brings ...

Pugster: [rushing up] Bart, I thought I told you never to play ...

[Sees Cathy. Bart closes the piano and rolls it away]

...

dianne said...

Thank you my sweet for visiting me so often lately, it is always great to see you.
I am sorry I have been neglecting you and I apologise for my lack of presence here.

I would have never associated terrorism with underwear until I read about this fellow and I'm not going to even try to write his name. I cannot imagine wearing explosives in my underwear it would be so uncomfortable and dangerous too as this fool found out when his plan went awry and not the effect he had anticipated. Ouch, who is sorry now and with a very sore and burnt groin! What is wrong with these people? I tend to agree with /t.
Black Bart should also be careful, any money accepted from a Nigerian bank is bound to be dodgey.
Nice reporting from Neuters News Agency, take care my sweet!
xoxoxo ♡

/t. said...

news?!?

the nigerian
underwear bomber
must be a senior by now...

HAVE A GREAT SUMMER, PUG BUDDY

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Good points. So you should understand why I must avoid underwear and Nigerians at all costs.

***

/t. - I get it. It HAS been a while. I heard the guy is now wearing Depends.

Pink said...

Woof. Time for a new post, pugs.

xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - I dunno. I suppose your suggestion is just crazy enough to work.

boneman said...

well, good thing I got out (finally) to see everyone's posts. Heck, haven't been around much since..I dunno. March?
Just in time (OK a bit early)

puerileuwaite said...

Boneman - Now you've done it: I completely lost my train of thought for my blockbuster new post.

dianne said...

I haven't seen you for a while dear Pugsly, I hope you are well?
I wanted to wish you a very Happy New Year, I hope 2013 is wonderful for you dear friend.
Love and hugs
Dianne xoxoxo ♡

leelee said...

Pug!

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Where are you pooch?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
boneman said...

pugster? Buddy, I been running posts on you for so long that every time I see a pug on the street, I think it's you and I fear for my ankles.

Are ya thinking to come back anytime soon? Or should I bake a cake with a file in it?

boneman said...

I asked Ma if I was adopted. She said "no...you're not adopted. We just put the ad in the paper last week..."

boneman said...

i used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body...

then i was born....

puerileuwaite said...

Boney, as some military guy (who had a park named after him, and then a Disco song named after that park) once said: "I shall return"! And SOON! Thanks for keeping the faith buddy. I have a LOT of catching up to do with old and cherished friends.

boneman said...

by gosh you even had someone carry out the spam. What? You don't like it sliced thinly and put on a frozen cheese pizza (along with some shredded smoky gouda) about halfway through the baking time?

(my thinly veiled recipe advice)

(Gotta do SOMETHING with the spam! It's either this or break into the cat food.)

leelee said...

Hello There

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee!

Serena said...

When, oh when is this puppy going to poke his little head out and howl?

Helene/aka Kate said...

Puggggg.... I am with Serena... come play! =] Happy Tuesday!

Pink said...

Dude, I'm blogging again...are you coming back? Miss you, puppy. xx Pinks

boneman said...

Pugster, I gotta hand it to you and Lil Lamb. You two can get the longest ride on just momentary posts.
It does sound of intrigue (like you're a secret spy in the heart of Canada to find the secret recipe to Tim Horton's sweet rolls) or maybe even adventure (like the time someone told you that Mt. Everest was really a huge stack of dogfood)
Whatever it is, I hope you're taking pictures, because, well, without an opposable thumb, your notes are near impossible to read.
d=^))

Little Lamb said...

What is going on here? I think I have to start a new blog. I can't get into my own.

Little Lamb said...

YaY! I found my way back into my blog!

puerileuwaite said...

Hi everybody! I've been getting the itch (no, not that kind of itch, but thanks for looking) to post again. Dianne, Serena, Mayden, Leelee, Lamby, Pinks and Boney: thanks for your comments and for keeping the faith.

puerileuwaite said...

Oops! I left out Helene a.k.a. Kate. Ditto, babe!