Tuesday, December 06, 2011

The Great Pugsly - Part III

The meeting I'd been coerced* (* much like this blog update) into arranging, had finally arrived in the front room of my tiny cottage.

Me: "Foamy, I'd like you to meet my neighbor, Mister Pugsly. Mister Pugsly, this is my cousin Foamy. Be sure to keep her in the locked and upright position until we have reached cruising altitude. I'll be out on the porch with my crack pipe, headphones and pimp hat."

Pugsly: "No offense, old sport, but I left the Rohypnol at my mansion, so let us go there."

Me: "If you like. This is Foamy, so it probably isn't necessary. However, once there, I strongly advise that you not allow her to view clouds or your shirt collection."

We tour Pugsly's impressive mansion and wind up in his master bedroom suite.

Foamy: (Gazing out the window) "I'd like to get one of those pink clouds, put you in it and push you around."

Pugsly: "No offense, old spice, might we wait until we are married for you to push me around?"

Foamy: (Turning her incredibly short attention span to Pugsly's T.J. Maxx shirt collection) "I've never seen such beautiful shirts before!"

Me: (Makes hanging by tie gesture while rolling eyes) "Don't say I didn't warn you."

Foamy: "Is this a scrapbook containing printouts of all my blog postings?"

Pugsly: "I had a lot of free time and Internet access during the war. Anyhoo, why did you marry Mr. Foamy? Why didn't you wait for me?"

Foamy: "Rich girls don't marry canines, don't you know? Plus you were poor. Also, the neutering was a concern. Do you think it was easy for me? Young Lieutenant Pugsly scoots across the carpet and into my life, wearing your romantic uniform that hid who you were ... where you came from ... breaking my heart with your impossible love! Going off to your adventure ..."

Pugsly: "I told you I'd come back for you, in my tweet*. Your Facebook* status indicated that you'd wait." (* Editors Note: Did you notice how I incorporate current technology in order to make this timeless story more accessable to today's generation of hipsters?).

Foamy: (Sobbing into one of Pugsly's T.J. Maxx shirts) "I'd waited so long! Paula Abdul was completely clean and sober by the time I'd given up. We were so close .. in our 3.5-minutes of love. And I couldn't stop crying, but I wouldn't let go of my laptop containing your last blog entry, never knowing if there would be another. I hung onto it and hung onto it ... until ... townsfolk started comparing me to the Log Lady from Twin Peaks."

Later, Pugsly and I converse alone.

Pugsly: "I'll fix everything ... just the way it was before. Just the way I was fixed. She'll see."

Me: "You can't repeat the past."

Pugsly: "Can't repeat the past? Of course you can, old sport! Is Rick Perry not another "W"? Is Herman Cain not another Don King? Is Michele Bachmann not another Sarah Palin? Is Mitt Romney not another John Davidson? Is Ron Paul not another Marshall Applewhite? Is Rick Santorum not another Jimmy Piersall? Is Newt Gingrich not another Newt Gingrich? Is Jesse Jackson not another Puerileuwaite?"

It was when curiosity about Pugsly was at its highest that the lights in his house failed to go on, one Saturday night.

Foamy: "Have you ever stalked anybody else?"

Pugsly: "No. However I did date quite a few celebrities."

Foamy: "Of course, you could never love anybody but me. I love the way you love me. I just wish it would last longer than 3.5 minutes a pop."

Pugsly: " Well I love that you love the way I love you." (puts on a Bobby Vinton CD)

Me: "Today is my birthday. I am 30, once again. And I shall be going to Denny's for my free meal."

Meanwhile the 2-rubes are fighting over global warming and who really invented the Internet, in their government provided former-Vice Presidential lodging over the garage.

Husband: "Maybe you think you can fool me, Tipper. Maybe you can. (gazes out the window) But you can't fool God. God sees everything."

Wife: "That's an advertisement for the Canadian version of 'Breaking Bad'. You're so dumb, you think carbon credits are viable."

Husband: "Let's not fight anymore. Let's stay in and watch 'The Sarah Silverman Show' reruns on Netflix. There's some dangerous drivers out tonight (husband and wife both gaze out the window as Pugsly and Foamy whiz by, mooning the couple)."

I stand in Foamy's driveway as Pugsly pulls up.

Pugsly: "What are you doing here?"

Me: "Just standing here."

Pugsley: "Did you see any trouble on the road?"

Me: "Yes."

Pugsley: "Did the rubes over the gas station look upset?"

Me: "Yes.

Pugsly: "I thought so. I told Foamy I thought so."

Me: "Why didn't you stop?"

Pugsly: Foamy prefers drive-by moonings."

Unbeknownst to Pugsly and I, the rube decides to get revenge.

Pugsly: "Imagine what this island looked like when those sailors from the Flying Dutchman first saw it. Fresh green ... no smoke monsters or irritating black guy yelling "Walt!" every 30-seconds. They must have held their breath, still looking forward to a satisfying end to the story ... afraid the writers would get lazy ... before all of the plot holes were filled in ..."

Me: "The rubes saw your bare asses, and you drove off!"

Pugsly: "All I can see is Foamy's moon. All I can think about is Foamy's moon."

Me: "You ought to go away for awhile, completely off-grid, perhaps to Alberta or Toronto."

                                           CN Tower, Toronto Canada

Pugsley: "I can't leave! She'll be coming just as soon as she can get away."

Me: "Summer's almost over."

Pugsly: "Sad, isn't it? Makes you want to ... I don't know ... reach out and ....dress it in a gimp suit and hold it prisoner in the basement of a pawn shop."

Me: "There'll be other summers. (Pugsly starts walking away toward his mansion) They're a rotten crowd. Except possibly for Lamby. You're worth the whole damn bunch put together."

I'll remember the rest of that day as an endless drill of police and photographers and newspapermen, in and out of Pugsly's house. A rope across the main gate, and a policeman by it, kept out the curious. But little boys discovered they could enter by my yard. There were always a few of them, open-mouthed, about the pool, attempting to scoop out one of the many Snickers bars deposited there by the rube as payback.

Shocked and horrified by what appeared to be a substantial amount of human waste in his pool, Pugsly had recoiled in revulsion, failing to remember that a wood chipper borrowed from the 'Fargo' set was directly behind him.

All I could think of was Pugsly's extraordinary gift for hope. A romantic readiness such as I have never found in the absence of Viagara, and which it is not likely I shall ever find again.

I thought of Pugsly's wonder when he first saw the recycling bin full of empty liquor bottles at the end of Foamy's driveway. He had come a long way to this motley collection of bloggers and misfits. His dream of finding at least one marginally honest and reputable woman must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to escape it once commited.

He did not know that - much like the bizarrely-placed wood chipper from 'Fargo' - it was already behind him.



puerileuwaite said...

I hope you like the 3rd and final installment. I posted it a wee bit before the last few touches and refinements were made, as a "treat" for you early-birds. My paws are crossed that all the links will work. Enjoy!

Little Lamb said...

So, that's how you spend all your time!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - You have to spend time to make time.

Anonymous said...

and so
this concludes
the sweeping saga of
the pug and the great puglsy

" a timeless classic retold in a familiar and yet thoroughly new way that is sure to keep oldsters and techno-savvy hipsters alike clamoring for more...


" i laughed... i cried...


Serena said...

I am weeping over this magnificent homage to the human, not to mention the canine, condition. And the orchestra's crescendo there at the end was pretty much a tear-jerker, too. The mansion is spectacular, although I'd kick the crack pipes off the porch before the Health Department comes.

Dang, he wrote a NEW POST. I may need more Kleenex.:)

foam said...

Excuse me .. but you need to look closer at that satellite photo picturing my house and driveway. Those are not liquor bottles in the recycling bin, but beer bottles.
Btw, I had to google rohypnol .. Bit then, of course, I realized what it was. Wouldn't a psychedelic just be more fun? And I actually googled 'pink cloud'. who knew? certainly not anybody who's in denial about any kind of addiction.

Coincidentally, I did meet Mr Foam in 1983. I figured Pugsley might have been jail bait for me back then. I'm really rather aged.

And the log lady actually has my eyeglasses! .. I wondered where they went to way back then.

Anywho, this was a very fun read about pugsley and my 'cousin' and finishes the series nicely. I was really quite humored and pleased to note that my much worked on slushy lush bloggie rep still holds up.

ps: the bobby vinton song is only 2:30 minutes long btw ....
and ditto what serena said about the crack pipes.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Thank you, my friend and esteemed critic. I can safely assume - unlike most of my readers - you laughed and cried at the correct places in the story.

(and now ... to place that cease-and-desist order against those so-called "film-makers" currently attempting to produce a remake and tarnish my legacy)

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Anytime I can make a woman weep without threat of reprisal from her family, it's both refreshing and liberating.

Plus if there's already music playing in a woman's head, it saves my entertainment budget. And I'd certainly rather have music - than additional voices - in there.

If you need more Kleenex, let me know. I have a bit of a surplus since lately I've been using the Internet for blogging, instead of the usual activities.

puerileuwaite said...

Foamy - Hold on. So you didn't know what Rohypnol was until I mentioned it? Curses! Foiled again! Looks like it's on to "Plan-B" for our first date.

Those were BEER bottles? My mistake. Being the innocent Pug that I am, I thought all alcoholic beverages were considered "liquor".

I suppose we COULD try psychedelics, provided you agree in advance not to turn into a dragon and chase me around the room.

And thank you for the information on your ill-fated first meeting with Mr. Foam. As soon as you also provide the location, month, date and hour, I can program the coordinates into my time machine. I've been watching The Terminator and Back to the Future trilogies in preparation, so confidence is high that I can alter your (oops, I meant "our") future with positive results. After we dispense with a young (and presumably acne-riddled) Mr. Foam, we'll shop at Sears Optical (since Lenscrafters did not yet exist) for trendier goggles for the future (and who knows? possibly ex-) Mrs. Pug.

Good catch! I had to find a truncated version of Mr. Vinton's masterpiece, as today's generation is not emotionally equipped to handle it in its full glory.

Anyway, thank you for being a good sport, and for not alerting the Blogger people to my good-natured abuse.

foam said...

oh, well .. liquor in the south is 'likker'. and if i didn't get and appreciate good natured abuse i wouldn't be much of a sport now, would i .. :)

Anonymous said...

hey, bud

have a warm
wonderful christmas
many more


dianne said...

Merry Christmas my sweet Pugsley,I hope it has been a great celebration for you! Next time I wrap a gift for you I will forget the tinsel that cut your cute little paws and use cellotape instead...sorry.
I enjoyed reading Part III of the 'The Great Pugsley' but I must admit I did not understand all of it, I don't know of some of the people you mentioned.
Best wishes for a wonderful New Year in 2012.
Lots of love from Dianne.
xoxoxo ♡

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - I shall add that spelled version to the list I'm starting, entitled, "Things I Like About the South". I've already included Daisy Dukes, fried catfish, fried okra, and barbeque. And you have been such a good sport, never shall I allow anyone to refer to you as "Old Sport".


/t. - Thanks. Hope the holidays are good and plentiful to/for you and yours.


Dianne - Hope your Christmas was special. Someday you will have to share how it is different in Australia (besides the use of cellotape, which is not sold here).

No worries about not recognizing some of the people I mentioned. We just instituted a "Politican Exchange Program" with your country, so a few are being prepared for shipment. We'll take Crocodile Dundee and that Yahoo Serious kid.

Pink said...

Happy 2012 pup!

I see a feature film in this...


puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - And a happy 2012 to you! I'm currently in discussions for the film rights. Hopefully it will be in the pipeline right after "The Pugs" (a remake of "The Birds", with a surprise twist).

Pink said...

Ps...like what you've done with the house...it looks so much better since you re-modelled.

I was always scared of birds after seeing that film. I was afraid they'd peck my eyes out.

With you, however, I'm sure its just that you'll eye up the women and rub up your pecker on their legs.

Naughty puppy.


limpy99 said...

I've only read this 3rd installment, and while it is indeed impressive, and far more literate than any of the drivel I come up with, I'm going to take a break to drop acid before reading the other two installments.

There are two other installments right?

Pink said...

Knock Knock! Can pugsley come out to play?


boneman said...

and now, for your home enjoyment...
37 full discs of the greatest war of our time.
Accept the first disc at the ridiculously low price of $39.95 (plus shipping, insurance, postage due when it arrives, and ooo-la-la touched products) and if you like it, KEEP it for an additional $45.95.
Each week we will send you discs stuffed full of worthless information and trivia...like, How many "Johns" went to war in Granada. The answer will surprise you.
Act NOW and we'll send, for absolutely free (except for shipping, insurance, handling, postage due when it gets to you and ooo-la-la touched) a LINK to see a MAP!
supplies are limited due to a recent police raid on he premises!

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Thanks for ruining the suspense for potential movie-goers. Now I'll be lucky if I get a "straight-to-video" deal.

Limpy - That is an excellent idea. Taking acid ensures that the reader views the story in the perspective that this author intended.

Pinks - I can come out to play as soon as my required 8-hours of television viewing is done.

Boney - As you've confirmed, war really IS hell.

chickory said...

have i told you lately that i love you?

for your photoshops especially

puerileuwaite said...

Why thank you, my little Chickadee. Besides being crazy in general, I am also crazy about you!

Pink said...

Puppy? Are you in there?


kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

The more you shall honor Me,
the more I shall bless you.
-the Infant Jesus of Prague
(<- Czech Republic, next to Russia)

trustNjesus ALWAYS, dear,
and wiseabove to Seventh-Heaven...
cuzz the only other realm aint too cool.
God bless your indelible soul.

kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

The more you shall honor Me,
the more I shall bless you.
-the Infant Jesus of Prague
(<- Czech Republic, next to Russia)

trustNjesus ALWAYS, dear,
and wiseabove to Seventh-Heaven...
cuzz the only other realm aint too cool.
God bless your indelible soul.