Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Six Weird Things About Me - The Last Three

Okay everyone. I suppose it's been long enough. No longer can I bear to torment those of you who prefer frequenting my blog to having a life. While I can secretly curse and pity you, I know that it is your dependence on my bullshit that in turn nurtures me. And for that, I pity myself.

Thanks for the flurry of great comments. Well, for the most part. For some of you, the flurries indicate that shoveling is imminent.

So sorry for the delay. The truth is that I've been working so hard (almost as hard as it is for you to believe that I've been working at all), that I've had little energy for anything else. Mr. Happy is not even showing his usual signs of self-inflicted wear and tear. He's actually getting back that "new car back seat smell". THAT is just how LITTLE of an actual life I've been able to lead.

So let's get the weirdness train rollin', shall we?

4) I suffer from OCD and ADHD

(But thankfully, not VD or any other STDs, although I do use both TP and STP.)

That's right. There is a perpetual internal struggle (actually there's an awful lot of internal struggles) between these two opposing forces. Fortunately I'm only mildly afflicted. Unfortunately they don't cancel out. But fortunately they aren't dehabilitating.

Have you seen "Monk" yet? It's a show about a Private Investigator type (masterfully played by Tony Shalhoub), who suffers from an extreme case of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). He can't function or move on if something appears amiss. This makes him a pain-in-the-ass, but his attention to the smallest details makes him an expert case cracker.

*** Additional weirdness bonus! For some bizarre reason, I want to "boink" Natalie (Monk's Assistant). Can I write "boink"? Why sure! One, because it's my damned blog and I can do what I want. Two, because Blogger cannot afford to lose a single blogger (what, with their ineptness and all). Three, because I really enjoy using the word "boink", and for some weird reason, haven't done so in all of my posts until now. Anyhoo, I find myself strangely enthralled with her blonde hair and tushie* (* another favorite word of late). ***

While I am not as gifted as Monk, nor do I have his extreme attention to detail, I also frequently have to stop what I'm doing to correct something that's out of place. Luckily, the OCD cannot keep my cajones in its sinister grip for long, because - not unlike "The Lone Ranger" - on cue ADHD comes riding in to my rescue.

5) As it turns out, I am quite the butt pug.

Not so quick on the trigger with those comments, mon amigos! I did NOT write "butt PLUG". I meant that only recently have I realized that women's tushies* (* See how I smoothly used "tushie" as a convenient segue device from "Weird Thing #4"? Take note, avid blogger wannabees) are what I truly notice when I'm evaluating women for the purpose for imagined sexual encounters. No longer do I simply settle for brief eye contact, or a sultry "excuse me", as the female is brushing past me toward a certain oblivion of souless sexual entanglement with someone who only appears more attractive than yours truly. I want more. I want to leave bite marks in patterns that crop circle hoaxers would envy on her heiny. I want to add to the tattoo on her lower back such that it traces my "Journey to the Center of HER Earth" in grandious fashion.

Sure, boobs are nice. For you can take solace in the knowledge that no matter how soft of a man you truly are, they are even softer. Provided that they are real. More real than you, perhaps.

There is great comfort in that. Also, boobs are the safe haven of mashed potatoes amidst the uncertain piece of rump roast that it intended to be your main entree. Will the flesh be tough? Or will it be as supple as a baby's bottom? Is Mad Cow disease no longer a threat? Or did this one slip past them (and you)?

And don't get me wrong. A nice set of legs (see EOTR's blog for a fine example) is a sweet sight indeed. But the strident nature of seeing them rapidly walking toward you can serve as an omen of bad tidings. Similar to the "Red skies at morrning, sailor take warning" adage, little buddies. Did you leave the toilet seat up? Did she spot you with a mermaid / barmaid last night? Of course, seeing them walking away is equally forboding (unless she's getting you a beer).

But in the end (get it?), I'll cling onto the female ass as my favorite body part. Even though it's not the most convenient one to store in the freezer.

***

Okay, I lied to you once again. I'm one short* (boy, if only I had a nickel for every time I've heard that one). Call this a cliffhanger. Call me a bastard. Just call me.

.

70 comments:

Little Lamb said...

I don't know what to say. Oh yes I do. Boss lady is compulsive too. One day I was standing on a rug with a palm tree. Boss lady and I don't even face each other while we sort clothes unless we're talking to one another. She got used to the palm tree the way I had it. I picked it up for some reason and put it down backwards. The palm tree may have been upside down or some thing like that. She couldn't work.

She blames her compulsiveness on her baby brother. One night he had a blanket with a unicorn on it and somehow it got to be upside down and he couldn't sleep until it was put the right way.

Are you anything like that?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Unfortunately I am. To this day I cannot reconcile Unicorns with any actual point.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - You are on, my friend. And this time it must be UNencrypted. They must also be honest to God* (* or whatever the Canadian version is) actual weird things about you.

puerileuwaite said...

Let the "Peptic Ulcer Challenge" begin!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, I was teasing. To be honest: yes, I was that bad. I'm getting better though.

leelee said...

Well done my friend..I actually found myself "guffawing" (how UNladylike) this morning as I was reading your latest entry...there is much to comment on here but...well being a "nice girl" I simply can't in this forum...I'll have to send mail to studpug.

Seems a few of us have that mild OCD, where everything has to be in order, whether it be lampshades askew, or towels hung sloppily...we'd have a great communal life, ok well, it's be neat anyway.

THANKS AGAIN FOR PLAYING

Crashtest Comic said...

I bet right now you're enjoying a beer in that little doggie dish of yours.

Pud said...

No wonder you stalk me! You enjoy seeing my sweet sweet ass on Thursdays.

limpy99 said...

Crop circles made out of bite marks on henies?

You and Hannibal Lecter buddy.

Melissa said...

Who'se got a big butt? (ne: *Tushie)
I've got a big butt!! Hollah!

missed ya my weird lil Karaoke Puggy! :D

flic said...

Okay, here it is:

1. love
2. disappointment
3. attraction
4. suffering
5. (existential) butt pug
...

and #6 will give you the grand finale on the overarching themes that are recurring in your life at the moment. Then the fun part will be to figure out what those 6 overarching themes all mean together!

puerileuwaite said...

Bella - I'm glad you agree that everything has to be in it's place. Because when I come over, I will have that expectation.

***

Girlgoyle - I seriously didn't either. But recently, during periods of deep introspection, I realized that I am into cute female behinds (though not as much as I'd prefer). To thine on self be true, I suppose. Now I am at peace with myself, and the world is incrementally better as a result.

(p.s. - I would like to see a picture of your "tushie" on your blog for XMAS.)

***

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - I will anxiously be waiting for that email. Please be as explicit as possible. I need entertainment, as this is a "snow day" for yours truly.

As far as the OCD, goes, here is my full story ...

{{{{{{{{{{{ flashback}}}}}}}}}}}}

+++

"In 1996, at the age of fifteen, I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My parents had brought me to the doctor because I was having muscle twitches as well as recurrent disturbing thoughts. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about various ways to harm myself or others, yet I knew that these images in my mind were not truly me. The doctor explained to me what OCD was, and gave me some Prozac. The Prozac was effective for about two years, at which point it stopped working, and I was given a variety of other anti-depressants, as I had developed depression as well. Every medication I tried would work for a while and then lose its effectiveness, and by the end of 2000, I was taking no less than four medications at once.

Needless to say, I was not happy with this, and I felt that my doctor was making me into a pill junkie. I also began to experience side effects, including an inability to ejaculate. In early 2001, I stopped all medications, and sure enough, the depression and OCD returned full force. After a few months, I gave the medicine another try, but the side effects were even worse this time and I quickly stopped it. I decided that I would simply have to learn how to live with my disorder.

In October, 2001, a friend of mine came into possession of a large quantity of "Magic Mushrooms" (I assume they were Psilocybe Cubenisis, but I can't be sure). For about 6-8 consecutive weeks, my friends and I tripped every Friday night. My usual dose was between 2 and 3.5g of dried mushrooms. I had used mushrooms once or twice before, but this was my first time using them regularly, at high doses. My first few trips were absolutely amazing. Dazzling colors, and a general sense of happiness, with no significant hangover in the morning. By my second month of weekly tripping, the mushrooms began to lose their magic. The visuals were not as intense, and I began to feel increasingly burnt out after the effects wore off. So, I figured that I had done too much of a good thing, and stopped using mushrooms around the beginning of December. It was in early November, after I had tripped on four consecutive Fridays, that I noticed that despite being stressed from school and a bit depressed due to a break up (factors that in the past had triggered my obsessive thoughts), I was not experiencing any symptoms of OCD. I did not attribute this to the use of mushrooms, and I was intrigued as to why my disorder had vanished.

Since then, my symptoms of OCD have not returned. I still experience short episodes of depression, but they are very mild and without the agitation that used to accompany them in the past. I told my doctor that my symptoms of OCD had gone away, despite being off all medications, and he didn't know what to make of that. I also told him about my use of mushrooms, and he simply called me an 'idiot' (this was the word he used) and told me that I was going to destroy my brain one of these days.

I did not make the possible connection between using mushrooms and the remission of the OCD until I visited the MAPS site last week and read about the study that was going on. That is when it all clicked in my brain, and I realized that I had inadvertently cured myself.

+++

Okay, technically it isn't MY story. But it does help to validate my love of "shrooms". Even though, sadly, I haven't had any in years :-(

Such a pity, as I would enjoy the holidays (and all of my blog buds) better if I had some. Oh well.

puerileuwaite said...

BTW, even though I don't have Tourette's Syndrome (although I HAVE used it as a device for dealing with "challenging people" on occasion), now is a great time to share one of my favorite one-caption cartoons (sorry that I don't have the actual cartoon to post ... if I find it, I'll try ...) on the subject.

It may be a "Far Side" cartoon. If anybody does find it first, please post it or email/link it to me. Thanks.

+++

Anyhoo, the cartoon depicts two shopfronts next to each other.

One of them has a sign that says "Tourette's Clinic".

The other is a pet store with a sign in the window that says "Parrot For Sale - 10% off".

The 10% has been crossed out. So has the 25% underneath. So has the 50% underneath that. Eventually it says "Free".

+++

That one always cracks me up.

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - Um, I've been enjoying beer a wee bit too much lately. But I promise, I'll be back on the wagon (and a health kick) right after the holidays.

***

Pud - You caught me. I am so embarassed! Wait. No I'm not. Want to touch. Want to touch. Want to touch the heiny. That gold plated toilet is STILL not good enough for your fine caboose. Say, I need to goose that caboose. Can't you get those damned towel-heads to behave so you can return to us? Crazy good for Shiites!

***

Limpy - What can I say? I choose to work on a smaller and more intimate canvas. Call me the "Molar Monet". Art is more than repetitive brush strokes, found objects and hoaxing the bourgeous. It's also about satisfying one's own hunger, and open interpretation in the courts of both law and public opinion.

***

Miss_Lissa - Weird? Ouch. Why do you hurt me so? But I'm the forgiving type. Post a picture of your tushie, and I'll let bygones be bygones.

***

Flic - Wow. This is the first free analysis of my pysche (by a PROFESSIONAL, I mean) that I've ever had. The bar has been raised (it's now hovering ABOVE the gutter) for #6. I can't wait to find out if I'm sane or not (for those of you who already know, don't tell me; it would spoil the ending). I'm serious in wanting to know what you make of it, Flic.

***

Hannibal - Now that I have your attention, WTF is a "farva" bean? Oh, and have YOU ever "crossed the Alps"?

puerileuwaite said...

BTW Limpy, I meant "bourgeois".

Only someone like yours truly would be so "non-bourgeois", that he doesn't even know how to properly spell it.

BTW2 - I just recently encountered a great quite attributed to Andy Warhol (I'm a fan) revealing his definition of "bourgeois". But I have to look it up again to share it (/t. probably knows it ... I'm sure k9 may as well ... /t. ? ... k9 ? ...).

puerileuwaite said...

Nevermind. I found it!

+++

Andy Warhol:

"Nothing is more bourgeois than to be afraid to look bourgeois."

--quoted in Tom Wolfe, The Painted Word

+++

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - My theory? It was all of that Campbell's Alphabet Soup that he consumed.

Little Lamb said...

Campbell's alphabet soup? Mmmmm mmmm good.

puerileuwaite said...

Indeed, Lamby, indeed.

puerileuwaite said...

BTW, I was reflecting on your first comment, and realized that I TOO would find it difficult to work alongside an upsidedown palm tree. Unless I were in the Southern Hemisphere, where they are naturally upside down. But wait, then I would also be upsidedown too. Makes ya think.

BTW2 - I have a special request of /t.
As a tribute to Andy Warhol, I would like to see a recreation of his "Marilyn Monroe" piece, with a close up of Lamby instead. Thank you in advance.

Anonymous said...

hey now...

Dude, I was playin up on the Six WEIRD things about me title.
Is it getting close to that time of the month? Why you gotta be so sensitive? hehe

You wanna see my ass puggy?
I've got a pic of it up on my myspace. Seriously. You know my email, come find me. lol

Latah playah

and merry christmas pug

Little Lamb said...

Puggy poo, I like your BTW2. I'm honored you'd want to see me in art. Ya know, they say its the thought that counts.

/t. is jealous of you and me. That's why I think he's not going to do it.

puerileuwaite said...

Mel - I will pay it a visit. I'm sure it's going to be cute. Just messin' with you on the weirdness part, BTW. But I' sure you knew that, my little worker bee.

***

/t. - Well in that case, how 'bout soup cans with Lamb Stew on the labels? Mmmm Mmmm Good.

***

Lamby - You're growing on me. Let's just hope it's not malignant.

***

J-lo - You do have a hot bod. Tushie. Boobs. Hell, I want to collect all three. And when it comes to your bod, you are always welcome to go on about it.

Okay, I'll bite. What DID the girl with ADHD say to the pug with ADHD?

Crashtest Comic said...

aaaaaaaaaah, beer.

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - You don't want that poison in you. Even yours truly is trying to abstain and get back into playing shape. Alcohol is not our friend, friend. It convinces us that bad decisions are good ones. Heck, this blog is a perfect example of that. Or to put it another way ...

Pug on alcohol = has his own mediocre blog

Pug "clean and sober" = has his own "kick-ass" blog

Hopefully this helps. Don't have another craving until 5PM MST. I may not be available until then. I'll be "helping" others:

1) Be better drivers;
2) Be better clients;
3) Be better human beings.

Party Girl said...

I love these little insights into you, dear Pug. Although laden with humor and sarcastic wit, they actually give a glimpse into who you are, and I like that.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

I had a friend who had a hang-up with lamp shades (did I tell you this- I'm sorry if I did)-
and before they came over I'd tilt all the lampshades in the house!

I mean everywhere...and they just knew it...that somewhere upstairs there was a crooked lamp shade!

:) "Sigh" those were the days! :)

But I promise, I won't do that any more... ;)

cyberhostage said...

Party Girl - I am humbled by your comment(s). And I sincerely appreciate all of the attention you've been showering on me. Oops! Now I need a shower!

***

FM - That is SO wicked! I like it a lot. And yes, that would've driven me crazy as well.

FM - What are you doing in this room?
Pug - Um, adjusting your lampshade, m'lady.

Little Lamb said...

It's nice to know I'm growing on you. That measn I may be finding a place in your heart.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Now all we need to do is find my heart (I've already looked in San Francisco).

***

/t. - I like it a lot. Domo arigato , Mr. Lamato!

leelee said...

funny P!

puerileuwaite said...

Hey you! Good mornin'.

puerileuwaite said...

Bella - You are sweet. Merry Christmas to you (and yours) as well.

leelee said...

Good Afternoon P!

Am off to a Miami Heat game with "The Family" an early xmas gift from our girls. :-)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!

Little Lamb said...

pug, I have your heart hidden, so you'll come to me to give it to you. I will when the time is right

leelee said...

Merry Christmas P..and to all!!!!!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - I hope you enjoyed your game. I see that Miami won. Kewl! Merry Christmas.

***

Lamby - Wow. I am touched by what you wrote. Thank you for the sentiment, Lambykins. Merry Christmas.

***

/t. - Gracias amigo. Feliz Navidad también

***

Willo - So good to hear from you! Merry Christmas.

***

Merry Christmas everyone.

Little Lamb said...

Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

merry christmas sweet pug.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Merry Christmas, dude.

cyberhostage said...

Lamby - Merry Christmas Beautiful. Hope your day is special.

***

Mel - Merry Christmas Gorgeous. Hope you have the day off to enjoy it.

***

MSnay - Merry Christmas Friend. Good to hear from you.

sparringK9 said...

/bark bark bark

merrrrrry christmas PW! wishing you every happiness buddy!

/grrrr

puerileuwaite said...

Same to you, k9. Merry Christmas, my friend. I am thankful for you and all of my new blog pals (Sorry for the "schmaltz"; today alone I've watched "Leave It To Beaver", the Hallmark Channel and part of "Little House on the Prarie").

Little Lamb said...

I love Leave it to Beaver! I alwasys got a big kick out of Eddie Haskell.

Eddie: Why Mrs. Cleaver, that's a nice dress you have on.

Mrs. Cleaver: Why thank you Eddie.

Mrs. Cleaver leaves the room and Eddie, Wally and Beaver are left alone.

Eddie: Beaver if you don't get out of my way!

Or something of that sort.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Your cuteness is ... well, cute. How did I know you'd like wholesome shows like "Leave It To Beaver"? Something tells me that you may may missed a few lines of dialogue, though.

***

Bella - Yes I did. Very low key (my kinda XMAS). Hope you did too. I know you worked your tushie off preparing for the festivities. Hopefully now that it's over, you can relax and enjoy.

Crashtest Comic said...

Merry Christmas, old friend!

puerileuwaite said...

You too Crash. I hope you had a good holiday.

Little Lamb said...

I agree with /t.

Little Lamb said...

Poor pug.

Little Lamb said...

No, nobody said it would be.

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puerileuwaite said...

/t. and Lamby - I was hoping that nobody would remember that I'm still one shy. Lemme see what I can come up with ...

***

Anonymous - Thank you for revealing the meaning of life to me in your coded message. And it's just as I suspected. Free will has little to do with it (apparently it is some form of a matrix).

Little Lamb said...

pug, be fair. Let's see the 6th weird thing about you. Pretty please? Wtih sugar on top?

Little Lamb said...

You're just jealous I thought of it first.

puerileuwaite said...

Aw, gee, I dunno. *stares at floor as he shuffles his right foot back and forth* What if it's not weird enough? What if it's too weird (and disgusting)? What if it makes Lamby no longer want me? What if NO ONE comments? I'll have to take some time, and give this request some careful consideration ...

Mayden' s Voyage said...

I can't sleep with the closet door open...and if it's dark, and I see it's open...I have to turn on the light in order to close it- or call for someone else to do it.

Which is kind of weird...to call the 11 yr old, out of bed- to ask her to close my closet door.

I didn't tell that one.

Can you spill the beans on 6 now, or was that not weird enough for you?
I might have a few more :)

I NEED 6 olives in a vodka martini... I actually end up calling it a salad drink- cause I eat more olives than anything.

I LIKE the Wiggles.
I HATE Barney. (nothing unusual there, right?)

I heard someone describe european cheeses as having the odor of "angels feet"- and I understood what they meant.

6 darlin'- I have spilled nearly all my strange beans...

6- TELL US!
please :)

Or not...
I'll live either way...I hope! :)

Little Lamb said...

pug, I won't be able to live any longer if you don't tell us yor sixth weird thing about you? The what will /t. do without me? He'll just mope around and blame you for me not being here anymore. Then you'll wonder what could have been...

puerileuwaite said...

Wow. I am humbled by the attention. I am also creeped out by FM's additional weird revelations. I'll never be able to watch Poltergeist again without getting a mental image of FM cowering in fear of her closet. Also, the concept of angels having foot odor is disillusioning, since I was hoping that heaven would be a universally pleasant experience. Finally, WTF is a "Wiggle"?

And Lamby, I already wonder.

No promises, but hopefully today I'll finally find the time and energy to do a post on Number 6 (of better quality, I hope, than "Number 2").

sparringK9 said...

/bark bark bark

i myself have never contemplated how fragrant or not any part of an angel might be. however i have noticed a cat penis looks exactly like the little red christmas lights. hideous cratures. they must be thrashed like rags.

#6 in the pugpipeline....ready to pinch?

/grrr

Little Lamb said...

pug i just may stay alivw if you wonder what could or can be between us. I can't off myself now. I will live and die naturally so we can ponder what can or could be between us.

Now /t. won't be mad at you.

puerileuwaite said...

Rocky - I think I know what you're hinting at, so let me make it clear that I prefer you tenderize your own meat.

***

k9 - A most excellent observation. I agree that there is an uncanny similarity. However, one does require occasional replacement due to burnout. I forget which one. I now find myself concerned as to what you'll be comparing to mistletoe.

***

Lamby - Talk about spooky. I just happened to have Led Zeppelin's "What Is And What Should Never Be" playing in the background while reading your comment. I shall sit here and wait for further cosmic instructions.

Little Lamb said...

Maybe we'll find out what's what between us. And what's not between us.

That's strange.

Helene said...

omg I am comment number 80 freakin3~!! well popular boy... I have only come to say hello and happy new year. You crack me up!

puerileuwaite said...

Okay Lamby, but let's keep that between us.

***

Kate - Welcome back, and Happy New Year to you as well. But I like to think that my blog is more about "quality" than "quantity". And now, on to your blog, to see if any of your resolutions mention yours truly ...

Little Lamb said...

If you want it between us you'll have to give me your email address or ask for mine.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, I can barely manage to blog anymore. But I'll keep it in mind. And now, to finally work on Number 6 ...

Little Lamb said...

Well, I guess our relationship is to be made public.

puerileuwaite said...

I can only hope that they not be disgusted by it, and instead find it in their hearts to be tolerant.

puerileuwaite said...

Happy New Year to you too, /t. All the best to you and yours in '07.