Saturday, January 13, 2007

You Say You Want a Resolution

Well, I know
You all want to change the Pug

You tell me that it's evolution

Well, I know
You all want to change the Pug

But when you talk about castration
Don't you know that you can count me out

Don't you know it's gonna be - all right
all right, all right

You say you want a real solution
Well, you know
I think I came up with a plan

You ask me for a new post to elaborate
Well, you know
The Pug is doing what he can

But when you want new material
for people with minds that vegetate
All I can say is people you have to wait

Don't you know it's gonna be - all right
all right, all right

***

Happy New Year!

Who among us isn't sick of saying and writing that crap? But will it truly be a happy year? Or are we doomed to repeating the past?

Will 2007 be THE year? Will I have to say goodbye to all of you?

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". So goes the classic quote; variants of which have been attributed to a multitude of different sources (Einstein, Kipling, an ancient Chinese proverb, Al Gore and others).

So in the spirit of the new year, I want to make a bold move, and only behave in a manner that will set me on the right path. I've already purchased a Mercury Milan and paid for a random stranger's dry cleaning. I also joined a health club and vow to workout at least 5-times per week, every week, in 2007. N'yuk, n'yuk, nyuk. Those suckas at Gold's Gym are going to lose money on me. Big time. Just like those idiots running the "all you can eat" buffets used to.

But one problem is that I'm not all that creative when it comes to identifying areas for my own self-improvement. So as a starting template, I 've selected the 7-Deadly Sins.

But first, a definition:

The seven deadly sins, also known as the capital vices or cardinal sins, are a classification of vices used in early Christian teachings to educate and protect followers from (immoral) fallen man's tendency to sin. The Roman Catholic Church divides sin into two types: venial (forgiven through any sacrament) and capital or mortal (meaning they kill the life of grace and risk eternal damnation unless absolved in the sacrament of confession, or taken away by a perfect contrition, or discretely swept under the rug by church officials).

So here goes.

***

1) Lust

Resolution: I will no longer objectify women, nor will I treat them as "outlets" for my temporary amusement.

Also, I will not ogle packages of nylons, women's underwear ads in the Sunday paper pullouts (nor will I "pull out" anything of my own), or double-fold the Land O' Lakes Butter package so that the Indian maiden's knees become her boobs.

***

2) Gluttony

Resolution: I will learn when to say when, in the area of food consumption. I will skip the after-dinner mint. If I do binge, then I will purge. In fact, I resolve to purge more than I binge, especially as a guest in one of your homes.

***

3) Greed

Resolution: I will no longer be preoccupied with money. Instead, I will shift my focus into more "real", long-lasting and tangible pursuits, such as women, cars and bling.

***

4) Sloth

Resolution: I will take a renewed sense of pride in my appearance, and attempt to be high-brow in all that I do. Except for my blogging, of course.

***

5) Wrath

Resolution: I will no longer "lose my cool" with the people that I encounter during my daily travels through life. Instead, I shall do my best to treasure each and every one of them as the fascinating and valued contributors to societal fabric that they theoretically may someday become.

***

6) Envy

Resolution: I will be satisfied with my lot in life. Sure, maybe other people are a little better off. Perhaps they have indoor plumbing, real mates instead of costly time-shares, and loyal readers who don't have to visit the library's computers to visit their blogs. But I too can count my blessings as I stumble across any.

***

7) Pride

Even though my locks are 50% more flowing than Fabio's, and my testicles are both descended and (presumably) larger than his, I will not take an inordinate amount of pride in this knowledge. Instead I will stay "real" by roaming the land, serving as a surrogate husband to hot, misguided single mothers.

***

Thank you for your patience as I've taken the time to perform a protracted self-assessement in the development of these resolutions. I know that I can count on your encouragement and support as I struggle to comply with these inhuman demands.

.

75 comments:

killmellq said...

I have seen your blog and I found a lot of interesting Content... So good image and some good art... I invite you to see mine at here

Mayden's Voyage said...

LOL-
The first comment on this post was SPAM! :)
I think there might be a message in there somewhere Pug ;)

You impressed me with the 7 deadly sins though. Good job! :)
However, it's too bad that everyone focuses on sin- and not virtue~
I might have to post on that :)

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

what a fine little catechism you've pinched out today!

looks like you left a loophole for avatar objectification...good thinkin.

on the gluttony front just think of crash masterbating...you'll lose the fat AND the curl in ya tail!

sloth...big puffy sweaters can hide a multitude of sins and of course black is slimming...i dont know what can be done with that fur...keep it clean and hope for the best is all i can offer.

i think i will leave this half done as in the style of this yard....

/grrr

puerileuwaite said...

Killmellq - I want to thank you for your visit, and can only hope that you will return time and again (or is it "time and time again"? I forget) we shall become closer over time (I know that indeed it DOES take time to build trust, but I digress. Gee I've already used "time" alot in this reply).

But did you know that you can actually make money from MY blog? Yes, it's true. For you see, I have embedded key words in each of my posts that with the help of a decoder template (available for purchase ... but first, let me compiment you some more ...) will help you make money.

As you can probably can tell by one of resolutions, I am no longer interested in money, per se. But this certainly doesn't mean that I can't help YOU to make more of it.

Let me know if you are interested, my newest member of the Pug family.

***

FM - Never be jealous of new visitors to my blog. You hold a special place on this Special-Ed bus. Now I know how early fans of Devo must have felt when "Whip It" brought them mainstream popularity. Some fans became "protective" and worried that they may be selling out.

As far as virtue is concerned, I can only write about topics that I am somewhat familiar with. So I'll have to watch your blog and follow your lead on this one.

***

k9 - I haven't heard that word (Catechism) in years. Thanks for the jolt. But thinking of Crash masturbating is disturbing enough to make me consider finding a new hobby.

***

GirlGoyle said...

I don't mean to be too fiscal but I think a few of your new vows were a bit contradictory. In particular lust and greed and pride. You might have to reassess those or just scrap the lust part. I mean, you only live once and if you aren't sinning at least you might want to save even more by scrapping your membership to Gold's gym and joining a monastery. I hear heaving buckets of water, working the land and self inflicting pain builds body and mind. Just a suggestion from your very saintly and driven Ed.

Anonymous said...

what do you mean "special-ed bus?"

-the ACLU

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

i went to killmellq's site and im

RICH bee-otches!

/howl

Little Lamb said...

WOW!!!!A new post!

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle - I don't have an issue with my resolutions being out of sync. I think that it's human nature to be contradictory. Oh, wait. No it's not. Well, actually, I think it is.

And it's not like I have an aversion to self-inflicted pain. After all, why do you think I maintain this blog and invite people to comment on it in the first place? It was either that or find a board with a rusty nail in it that I could flagellate myself with.

But I do have a problem with toiling for the common good. It just has too much of that "picking up garbage by the side of the highway in an orange jumpsuit as the "community service" part of the sentence while yuppy assholes in their SUVs drive by and toss more garbage at your feet; so now you're feeling just like that Crying Indian in the classic "Don't Litter" commercial" vibe to it.

Plus monasteries seem way too damned boring. Unless I'm running away from a blog romance gone sour, in the unlikely event that ever occurs.

***

Anonymous - You couldn't have "Special-Ed" without the "Special". And my involvement with you people HAS been "Educational". Painfully so.

***

k9 - Great. Just great. Because you snuck over there before I could, he's probably out of money for ME to make, and doesn't want any more visitors bothering him. And this was likely the very last deal of its kind to be found here on the Internet. You know what this means? Do you know what you've done? Now I have to "go legit". Thanks.

***

Lamby - So what do you think? Can you see how I'm trying to clean up my act in order to win you over?

Little Lamb said...

Yes, I see that pug. I want to cuddle with you.

/t. said...

pug,

not me --
what about puddle?

your new post -- resolutionary!

che and mao would say wow

/t.

Crashtest Comic said...

killmellq:

we meet again old friend!

Crashtest Comic said...

Pug:

Don't fight the 7 deadly sins, Dog.

Embrace them--

RevRee said...

So this means we still get to have unprotected sex after partaking of the all-you-can-eat buffet and the after dinner mint?...right?

Bella Page said...

Resolution: I will no longer objectify women, nor will I treat them as "outlets" for my temporary amusement.

What? What? Now what will you and I do when we go out on the town?!

I liked you just the way you were, please don't go changing on me Puggy!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Sorry, but that would violate Resolution #1 and possibly #4 and #7.

***

/t. - Sure thing. I'll leave one on your sofa. Do you have any pictures of Chairman Mao?

***

Crash - Um ... thanks for the support. I think you and killmellq are in cahoots.

***

Rev - Why not? We can ignore them just like U.N. Resolutions. Only, don't blame me for any additional flatulence (besides what you already get from my blog), or "underperformance" problems.

/t. said...

chairman
killmellq is a pug

so say all of his
followers

i don't, pug, but i might be able to get you a picture of my sofa

/t.

gautami tripathy said...

It's gonna be all right! Ok but the big question is, when?

'til then we twiddle our thumbsdoing nothing.

:D
gautami
rooted

puerileuwaite said...

Bella - How ever did I miss your comment, my little Kumquat? I know how: it slipped in there just as I was leaving one of my epic replies.

Fortunately our little soiree will be exempt from Resolution #1, as you are more than a woman, more than a woman to me (well actually, judging by your last paragraph, you may be related to Billy Joel and therefore more of an "uptown girl". Either way, Resolution #1 can bite me.

***

/t. - A pug? He ain't gonna make it with anyone, anyhow.

A shot of the divan would be divine. If there's a puddle on it, it may or may not be mine.

***

Gautami - Hello and welcome to my humble blog. Unfortunately at present I am so severely restricted by my resolutions, that all I can do is twiddle my thumbs as I suffer the slings and arrows of my commenters. I'd love to change the world, but I don't know what to do. So I'll leave it up to you.

***

Rev - I almost forgot ... I may have to protect this heart of mine that I wear on my sleeve.

Little Lamb said...

Gee whiz pug. (sniffles, sniffles) you won't cuddle with me. I can't take it! (SOB!)

puerileuwaite said...

Okay Lamby, you win. I'll do it, but only if you don't mean to turn me on.

Little Lamb said...

I promise not to turn you on. (goody goody, I get to cuddle with pug! :)

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

anybody else notice how much "sloth" looks like the blogger known as "bostick?"

/howl

Pud said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Good Luck with your resolutions buddy!!

DykesDog said...

Puggy,
You're not getting fixed? I'm so proud of you ... hang on to them balls big boy!

limpy99 said...

Now see, if we had catechisms like that when I was a wee lad just trying to avoid one of Father O'Fasthands "special sermons", I might have stuck with the Catholic faith.

Sadly, we did not. I regard it as a loss for the holy mother church, although, judging by the restraining orders, they feel somehwat differently.

RevRee said...

I just wanted to add, I don't think Fabio's hot at all! You on the other hand....I'd do ya...

tfg said...

I need a ruling. What category would pimping out elderly family members in order to buy more inflatable women fall under?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Forgive me. I've been a little slow on the uptake. Did you call me an SOB?

***

k9 - C'mon now, everybody should know that this is the slovenly "Ken Shabby" character from Monty Python.

Trivia alert: Michael Palin (the Python who played Ken Shabby) said this was his favorite character to play on the show.

***

Pud - Oh God, oh God. I just revisited your HNT shots on Pudwhipped ... there goes #1. You are like the siren of the Internet in my version of the Odyssey.

***

Dykesdog - I'm "holdin' my own, babe. Oh wait. That's NOT good. So how goes the remodeling? Do I have my own room complete with jacuzzi and a door that connects to your bed chamber yet?

***

Limpy - And here I thought that YOURS TRULY was the only Catholic ex-patriot. Seems I'm not alone at being alone.

***

Rev - I feel the same way about you. So WTF are we waiting for? I'll even send you a dozen doodles of roses scotch-taped to some action shots of my hands the day after.

***

TFG - I call that "recycling" for a better world. It's no different than turning in aluminum cans for cash. Not only is that NOT a deadly sin; it very well MAY qualify you for a "Good Citizen" award.

puerileuwaite said...

Pardon me. I meant "expatriate".

limpy99 said...

You're forgiven, which is, after all, the Catholic thing to do.

That and raping altar boys.

Little Lamb said...

No, puggy, I did not call you an SOB my little love passion pug.

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - Please don't tell me that you rape altar boys. That would be a bit much.

I'm kidding, of course.

***

Lamby - Well I just wanted to make sure, since we've been seing more of your "dark" side lately.

Little Lamb said...

Oh, so you say you've been seeing my dark side lately. Oh no. No one was ever supposed to see that. How can I mAke it up to you? Would you like me to go back to being pure again, as the driven snow?

Or maybe you bring out the dark side of me. Oh dear me. What shall I do?

Pug I gotta be me. So I guess I'll be me. That's the only one I know how to be.

Now that I've totally confused myself on how to act...

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Don't act. Just be your bad self. (And BTW you should see just how much I'd bring out the bad in you for real !)

Little Lamb said...

That does it! Pug brings out the bad in me! What shall I do about it!?

jmeped said...

F-ing spamers! At first I thought you were going to tell us how you were pulling the ol' Bob Barker on the your pug. Great post. And yes, we are all doomed to keep recycling last years, and the years pasts mistakes. It kind of made me sad. I feel as though there is something more for me. What is one to do?Maybe I'll become the next Angelina Mother Theresa Pitt. Do you want to help me make my own United Colors of Beneton ad?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Well, I suppose you COULD take a chill pill.

***

Jmeped - You're another one who is exempt from Resolution #1. I'm not sure where you were going with the Bob Barker reference (except maybe that you thought I was retiring?).

Although I haven't seen the latest Benetton ad campaign, I'm hoping that it has something to do with us posing nude with paints generously and ritualistically applied to our intermingled bodies.

As this describes the typical weekend for the Pug anyway, you can count me in!

Unless you were referring to an older Benetton ad campaign, where they would set things on fire. As I prefer to strive for "Flame-Retardant Buddism", and also since I'm still traumatized after a recent viewing of "The Wicker Man" (I can't even bear to be in the same room with my wicker furniture now), I'd have to politely decline if this were your intention.

Unless we could do the "hibbety jibbity" first.

Regardless, we SHOULD conduct ourselves differently this year, if we can hope for a dramatic reversal of our fortunes. For example:

2006: Jmeped did NOT get naked with the Pug, and it turned out to be a mediocre year.

2007: ????

I hope this helps to simplify your focus on the task and goal that lie before us.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Fabio grosses me out. Don't know why. How are you, Pug?

Little Lamb said...

Ok, pug, chill pill time. Where do you keep the pills?

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - I think of Fabio as more of a caricature than a man. Perhaps he sees himself the same way.

Thanks for asking. I'm hanging in there. Winter where I am is totally kicking my ass. But it makes me appreciate the warm(er), sunny SNOW-FREE days even more.

BTW, I read your latest post last night, and started to comment but was interrupted. To be honest, I kept rewriting it because I wanted to be careful of what I wanted to say in a public comments section (nothing bad ... just a little more personal of a comment ... ).

I'll try to stop by now and say hello. I sincerely hope that you are doing well, and am happy that you stopped by.

***

Lamby - Why HERE they are! Right next to the Ritalin. Shall I send BOTH?

Little Lamb said...

Whatever you think is best. I trust you.

LADY LUXIE said...

I'm so sorry that you got fired from Wal Mart...

that must have been hard...

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - You trust me? Oh crap, I don't think I have a med to send you for THAT.

***

Lady Luxie - Welcome! Not to worry. I'm still allowed to shop there. They just watch me closely around the women's section for some odd reason. Allegedly I'M the reason they don't use mannequins at Walmart, if I'm to actually believe the HR person.

leelee said...

As usual...this post was worth the wait P...wonderful...I can almost hear you singing.

Pugs howl right?

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - It's either my singing, or it COULD be:

1) Rich folks shrieking in horror after discovering that items purchased from a certain show vendor were actually doctored items from IKEA.

2) The Wind Crying Mary

3) Your neighbors "gettin' busy"

4) Your own conscience* (* I know, I know. NEVER assume ...), reminding you of your neglect of the Pug for some trivial business obligation

5) Or it could actually be yours truly singing "Harden My Heart" due to Leelee's unfortunate betrayal as mentioned in #4 above.

leelee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Malnurtured Snay said...

Is that chick about to give that guy a blow? Hah!

Little Lamb said...

Oh pug, what is there to do?

leelee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - I enjoyed your last comment, and thought that it was funny. I hope you didn't delete it on my account.

***

MSnay - I hope not. That would be dangerously close to bestiality* with the dog so close. Karla might be into that* nonsense, but it's not for everybody. I like to think that the man is training them both to "fetch the stick", only the woman doesn't have to go as far to accomplish the task.

***

Lamby - I'll have to do some research online. I'm positive there has to be some way to cure your trust in me.

Party Girl said...

So. Are you John, Paul, Ringo, or George?

PG

leelee said...

No pugsly, I din't remove it on your account..I thought it was funny too but of course it was all in fun and I don't want anyone to think I am a desperate housewife..ya know...I pulled it in response to Snays comment..

I certainly don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about our friendship...

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl - I'm a little of each. I suppose you could call me the 5th Beatle (that's BEATLE, not WHEEL, BTW). Yoko and Charlie Manson can go take a hike.

***

Leelee - It's a little too late for that. I ALREADY have the wrong idea.

leelee said...

thanks Pug, strangely I am touched by your reply.. plus you made me smile...

jmeped said...

I was hinting that I wanted you to help me make a rainbow of babies. But upon further thought I have decided kids are assholes, and instead you can put your hands across my "America" I would so join the peace corp if I knew I could shower more than once a week, and the whole sanitation thing.....I just don't know if world peace is worth intestinal worms...

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - You are not the first woman to tell me that my touch was strange. I seem to get that reaction a lot. Sometimes they tell me it's a bad touch. But never an invisible one, like in that Genesis song.

Other times a woman will have The Tubes' "Don't Touch Me There" playing in the background as I'm waiting in the foyer. Once I kept trying to contact a woman after a date to find out what went wrong. All I could get was her voicemail, where the greeting was AC/DC's "Touch Too Much".

I suppose I'd be happy just to have a woman "touch me in the morning ... then just walk away".

***

Jmeped - I think our babies would all come out roughly the same color. (I was going to add more, but I think I'll play it safe and stop here.)

Oh, and count me in for our little game of "Hands Across America". I'll start off with the Rockies and the Smokies, then thumb my way down to the Mississippi Delta.

Little Lamb said...

Oh dear! You don't want me to trust you! We may have to start all over in our relationship.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - That sounds like an awful amount of work (and comments). So just go ahead and trust me, and I'll do my best not to take too much advantage of it.

leelee said...

Ya know P...it's amazing to witness how your brain processes comments..

seems as if all the neurons are connecting properly (and some of them are connected to parts of the brain that most of us have allowed to die..or fry as it were..)

it's cool

Pud said...

As I live and breathe....damn you are one sexy pug!

Little Lamb said...

ok puggy poo I'll trust you to a certain point. we'll just have to get to know each other.

/t. said...

yeah, pug

i trust you...

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that much!

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - I'll let you in on a little secret: the key is to use one's brain sparingly during non-blogging activities.

***

Pud - I hope this is not just the Iraqi desert talking. Heat, sand and mud can make people say and do uninhibited things that they normally wouldn't. That's why I don't go to those kinds of bars anymore. But just in case you really mean it, I'm buying the biggest damned yellow ribbon you've ever seen. Then I'll tie it around the tree out front high enough so that no dogs can pee on it.

***

Lamby - Familiarity breeds contempt. You can already witness that by seeing how /t. turns on me. That's why a little mystery is good.

***

/t. - How dare you! I've never been so insulted in all my life. Oh wait. I read it backwards and upside down. Thank you, my friend from the frozen tundra.

Crashtest Comic said...

This blog needs an enema!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - I know it does. But I refuse to evacuate you from my links again.

/t. said...

pug,

i turn you on?

gee, that's sweet...

but it might be time to lose these stupid heels (i've been wearing for crash)

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Sure, why not? If it can't be a woman, then the next logical progression on the femininity scale is a male from the British Empire.

/t. said...

ok, pug

i believe you

all i ask is that you give a little advance warning before you visit my colony... thanks

/t.

Mayden's Voyage said...

"Morning"
Just stopped over to say that :)

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Ok Pug...you're three weeks in...so now we need the stories on the sordid ways you committed each and every sin!

;)

Pinks

RevRee said...

When should I expect a new post by you? I'm tired of looking at Fabio!

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - No worries there. This winter, my little stretch of the planet is "Canada - South". So there's no need to experience the real McCoy. Plus, Customs Officials treat me like a killer bee when I do try to pop in for a visit.

***

FM - Not GOOD morning? Oh, the humanity.

***

Reverend - Welcome! You wouldn't be using me as fodder for an upcoming sermon on the wages* of sin (* which are minimum, but I do get double-time on Sundays), would you?

BTW, wouldn't it be heavenly if a Reverend sent money to yours truly for once? Just a thought.

Okay, I'll consider a "confession" on my "progress", perhaps as a quarterly report. In the meantime, I'd like us all to open our hymnals to Page 21 for a rousing chorus of "Let's Go Crazy" ...

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today ..."

***

Rev - Hey, sexy! Hopefully within the next few days ... (BTW, Fe Fi Fo Fun for me)

jmeped said...

Your going to have a rebellious bunch over here if you don't post soon. How are you ever going to get the spammers back?

puerileuwaite said...

Jmeped - You've got it. I'll get to work on it immediately.