Friday, February 16, 2007

Let It Bee ... Caulk Worthy

Hi everybody,

I thought I would take a moment to share an observation from my repeated travels to hell and back this week.

A few days ago I was driving home and happened upon a commericial vehicle for some sort of "Bee Relocation" service, with the motto: "We evacuate, not exterminate". The first thought that popped into my head was, evacuate, exterminate, mastubate ... just get those damned bees outta here. Especially if they're KILLER bees.


But then how can you identify a killer bee before it strikes? It's not like you can readily pull up their "rap sheet". Can you see it in their eyes? Do they have a souless stare reminiscent of sharks?


Are there early-detectible, ominous signs that they don't play by rules of conventional society? Are there different types of killer bees? Are some bees "serial killers" cast from the Ted Bundy mold, masquerading as harmless, injured bees with damaged wings needing help of some sort until the victim is too close and it's too late? Are some akin to Jeffrey Dahmer, picking up other bees in gay bee nightclubs and luring them back to their honeycombs?


My theory? Killer bees can be ANY bee. So don't trust any of them unless you know the bee.

The second thought that came to mind was the scene from "Tommy Boy", where Chris Farley (Tommy Boy) and David Spade (Richard) were drinking and driving, and about to be pulled over by a squad car. Tommy remembered a ruse to ward off the cops. The boys veered off the road into a field, and ran from the car frantically waving their arms and shouting "Bees! Stay away! Save Yourself!". It worked. The cops wouldn't go near them or the car, fleeing the scene instead, with one of them yelling back, "We'll go get help!".


Think about it. What cop in his or her right mind* (* assuming those types do exist) would want to ever pull THAT particular vehicle over? Of course, if I were the driver, I'd wear a nasty looking bandage on my left hand; with the right hand periodically waving through the air inside the truck.

Yesterday I came across another commercial vehicle for a company called "Caulk Experts". I nearly drove off the road. I was tempted to follow in the footsteps of a prank from "Crank Yankers" (a Comedy Central show featuring actual crank phone calls acted out by Muppet characters),


calling the company and praising them for knowing so much about "caulk". Not just ANY man could drive that truck (or do that job ... though his business cards would definitely be collectibles) for a living. It would take a real man.


.

55 comments:

Little Lamb said...

A new post! I have to read this now.

Little Lamb said...

Killer Bees. Bees are scarey insects. They can hurt you. They sting.

I was stung by a yellow jacket when I was small. I don't know if that's a bee or a wasp.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, are you sure it wasn't an actual yellow-colored jacket? It could've been the zipper.

CruiserMel said...

Ahh, Tommy Boy - whatta classic. You've really taken me back now. They don't make films like that anymore, do they?

I got stung by a yellow jacket once, too. He was my frickin' prom date. Eeewwwwwwww.

Little Lamb said...

I'm postive puggy. I didn't have on a jacket, if I remember correctly. My hand wzs in the grass. I lifted up my hand and there it was! A striped insect that was yellow and black.

Serena Joy said...

I think you're on to something: all bees are potential serial killers. If they can be relocated, that's all well and good. If they fight eviction and won't move, I can see where the Caulk Experts might come in handy.

/t. said...

having
felt the sting
of a crazed zipper
more than once, i can tell
you with some certainty that yellow attire of any kind -- including jackets -- is a cakewalk in the park by a babbling brook -- a bit like this sentence, actually

/t.

Bella Page said...

Puggles,
I'm home alone, drinking wine and wondering now, if you were a hot woman if you would BEE mine ...
sorry I had to say it :)!

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

hmmm...I think I've been too trusting and so I've been stung one too many times. I do tend to fall for the injured wing types. I too have a frail wing. Bad news - harder to fly away when they turn into Bundy Bee.

I'm happy to see a new post, pugsy. But glad you didn't go off half caulked.

xx
pinksie

puerileuwaite said...

Cruisermel - He was probably attracted to you because of your sweetness, my little nectarine from the north.

***

Lamby - That's why when you are in the grass, it's so important to keep your hands (and legs) up in the air. If I were there, I'd show you the proper technique.

***

Serena - I didn't stop to think that there might be synergy between the two trades. I'll "bee" on the lookout for a vehicle that advertises both services (and I'll probably spot one).

***

/t. - Surprisingly enough, I never thought of it that way. Maybe that's why Georgia Tech (the Yellow Jackets, of course) does so well in football.

***

Bella - Well I AM always looking for opportunities to "pollinate", but I need to keep my stinger.

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - Well there's honey to be made if I can trust you. But I have to be sure (but not caulk-sure).

Enemy of the Republic said...

So you too have been to hell and back? Wait, I'm not back yet.

Scary Monster said...

Bees and wasps be the punk rockers of the insect world. They strive for anarchy and will strike anyone who is holding a wrapperfull of fish and chips. That said, according to "caulking for dummies," a must read! 16 weeks on the NY times bestseller lists and an option for the book of the month club, "the origins of caulk is claimed by the Aztecs mesopatamians and the egyptians equally" The book further states that caulk was originally developed from natural materials as long lasting icing for royal birthday cakes. It's present day qualities as a sealent was discovered after a disagreement that quickly escalated into a food fight in the royal kitchens. During the clean up, which involved scraping the afformentioned cake off the walls, the cleaning staff realized the efficacious properties of the icing and started using it throughout the palace. This is also said to be the origins of the freemasons, (citation needed)

Feel free to post this to wikipedia...stomp

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Good point. Funny as well ;-) Perhaps my perception of being able to leave it IS an illusion.

***

Scary - (In my best Johnny Carson voice) I did not know that.

What is scary, is that I could believe it. You are en fuego, spewing flames of useful and intriguing knowledge, my friend.

Mayden's Voyage said...

To bee or not to bee...
that BE the question ;)

I do all the caulking at our house-just sayin'
:)

Crashtest Comic said...

Africanized-killer bees all look alike to me.

kate said...

lol

How is it that this stuff happens in your life and not mind...! lol (I am thankful and all... hehehehe)

Thank you for the kind words... but it may taint your immage as a ferocious killer dog... just hope they dont start exterminating them! *wink

puerileuwaite said...

FM - Just bee careful if you do choose to bee (I can't believe I just wrote that ... a new low for me). As far as the caulking goes, let me just say that I like a woman who occasionally takes charge and "gits 'er done".

***

Crash - But isn't that just another shameless example of the kind of stereotyping that WASPs are known for?

***

Kate - Oh, the rich excitement from my own life can be experienced by anyone who decides to be more observant in traffic.

And if they ever do outlaw pugs, they will only turn pugs into outlaws.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

pugsy,
trust is such a buzz word these days...it just happens naturally, honey...
xx
pinks

ps - dont be a sad pug because of my post. i can't stand sad pugs. they make me cry.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Love you, Crash, but PUG GOTCHA!

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - Okay, I'll just have to trust that the trust will arrive someday. Maybe my ship will come in, and there trust will be, waving from the rail with betrayal nowhere to be seen* (* hopefully having missed the boat altogether).

***

Enemy - That's another reason why I love blogging. I can heckle Crash without the required 2-drink minimum. Oh, I still drink. It's just comforting knowing that I'm not REQUIRED to.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

oh pugsy...no betrayal to be seen...none.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

your wish is my command...smarty pug

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - You are the greatest. Get well soon!

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Enemy of the Republic said...

Pug, Thank you for your comment on my blog. I feel too crappy to even look at it, much less comment, but I don't want you to think I didn't notice or that I don't care for you equally. You are a very kind man.

leelee said...

this was a fun post P....You make me smile

:-)

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Pugsy - thanks for the well wishes. feeling a bit better this evening. The AM was a rough one, but evening is better :) Year of the Pug is looking good.

tfg said...

Well, I've spackled a few bedrooms in my time. Does that make me an expert?

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - The things that I'd like to share with you ...
(perhaps someday down the road ...). You've got way too many good things goin' on. I look forward to you kickin' the world's ass once again after your "breather".

***

Leelee - I can't make you do anything you didn't want to do already ;-)

***

Reverend - Glad to hear. Jimi Hendrix died in London (and we all know how), so I was worried. Now that you're well, we need to find yours truly a theme song (Al Stewart's "The Year of the Cat" is flat-out too gay, so using that melody with altered lyrics doesn't work for me) for the "Year of the Pug".

***

TFG - It's okay for no less than two reasons.

One: you wrote "bedroom" instead of "boudier".

Two, spackling reminds me of Karl Spackler, the Bill Murray character from Caddyshack. A "man's man". This makes it a manly activity. Unless you're using "spackling" as a euphemism for something unwholesome.

Additional Bonus: you didn't know how to properly reseal a wine bottle, so I don't think the "Fab 5" will be calling you anytime soon as a "fill in".

gautami tripathy said...

ah about birds and bees..

:D

jmeped said...

Hello my little pug. Listen if I can master a caulk gun so can you. I caulked up a storm when I first bought this house. You would be surprised at what it can fix, if not hide. I don't like bees. prickly little things ;)

jmeped said...

I can't believe I missed the opportunity to tell you my love of led zeppelin! See what happens when you pour yourself into work?

Bella Page said...

Puggy,
I Bee laughing at work as I read this! I just had a fight with my personal bully and turn to you for inspiration ... now I am off to sting his ass!

Hugs Buddy!

limpy99 said...

Bees are fine. it's the ladybugs you need to worry about. You can't tell which one is the male and which is the female, and before you know it they're pairing off and having kids and ruining the sanctity of marriage.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Perhaps we should write a new theme song. you're right - year of the cat is far too gay

:)

puerileuwaite said...

Gautami - Better that you get it from me, than from just anybody off of the street.

***

Jmeped - I had no idea that you were so handy with caulk. Okay, I lied ... I did have a suspicion ...

***

Bella - Glad to "bee" of service. I'll "bee" by to pollinate you later, honey.

***

Limpy - I have a soft spot for ladybugs because of Rodney Dangerfield. So let's give 'em some respect. We can pick something else to arbitrarily alienate from within our present common ground of overlapping realities,

***

Reverend - I'm on it! Stay tuned ...

limpy99 said...

Alright, let's turn on those holier-than-thou Praying Mantis!

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Pugsy - you know you want to visit piccadilly ;)

kate said...

wait... so, ummm... what does it take to get on the black sheep list? How come I am ALWAYS on the freakin white sheep she is so nice and sweet and cute list? huh??? why? lol

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - You're getting closer. The only problem is that I was planning on using the Praying Mantis as the mascot/symbol for the new church that I'll be launching (apparently land to build is dirt cheap in Waco).

***

Reverend - Oh no, you're onto me! To borrow from The Kinks' "Life on the Road":

Ever since I was a child,
I loved to wander wild
Through the bright city lights,
And find myself a life I could call my own.

It was always my ambition
To see Piccadilly
,
Ramble and roam around Soho
And Pimlico and Savile Row,
And walk down the Abbey Road.

So I saved all my money
And packed up my clothes,
And I said good-bye to my friends
And my folks back home.

And I left for a life of my own.
I left for a life on the road.

(Okay ... I WASN'T going to place the ENTIRE song in the comments, but it's too damned good ... so here's the rest (The Kinks are a favorite of mine))

I'm a real hungry tyke,
And I know what I like.
And I know where I'm goin'
To those bright city lights.

Oh yeah, oh yeah,
This time I'm gonna get there.

I'm bound for a life on the road.
Give me life on the road.
I said life on the road.

When I arrived in Euston,
I was little more than a child.
And I didn't know then
That the dives and the dens
Would be so vulgar and wicked and wild.

Mama always told me
The city ladies were bawdy and bold.
And so I searched night and day
To catch a kissable lady,
But all that I caught was a cold.

Cause those stuck-up city ladies
Didn't notice me walk by.
Now I've got holes in my shoes
cause Ive been walkin the streets all night.
And I'm livin' the life that I chose.

Livin' my life on the road.
I said life on the road.
I want life on the road.
Life on the road.

I was standing with the punks in Praed Street,
When a muscle man came my way.
He said, hey, are you gay?
Can you come out and play?
And like a fool, I went and said okay.

Ever since I was knee high,
I thought the city was paved with gold.
But I've seen so many losers
And down and out boozers
Who were tired of bein' bought and sold.

City women are a tease,
But I'd really love to please.
Now I've got blood shot eyes
cause I've been walkin the streets all night.

And it sure knocks you out on the road.
And I'm livin' my life on the road.
I said life on the road.
Life on the road.
I want life on the road.

One of these days,
I wanna go home,
Visit my friends,
And see all the places that I used to know,
And say good-bye to a world that's too real;
Good-bye to a world thats forgotten how to feel.

And it's slowly usin' me,
And there's no security.
Sometimes I hate the road,
But it's the only life I know.
But I'm livin' the life that I chose,
So I'll live out my life on the road.

Give me life on the road.
I said life on the road.
(repeat)

***

Kate - The White Sheep are the ones that I could invite to a formal dinner party. The Black Sheep are the ones attending "that" party in the unmarked building downtown that no one knows about. Plus, Black Sheep substitute expletives for "lol".

tkkerouac said...

Hilarious
Look at Belushi's face
I so miss Chris Farley
I was looking for his lunch lady photo the other day.
The best part of Tommy Boy is when they are singing in that delapitated car & a Mack truck comes at them from nowhere.
Thanks for dropping by, great blog and nice dog. Is it a Pug?

puerileuwaite said...

tk - Yes, I AM a Pug. I like your blog too, but it gets me way too excited. Congrats. You've captured another stalker.

Okay, are you ready for our duet? On three ...

1, 2, 3 ...

"Don't you remember,
you told me you loved me baby

You said youd be coming back
this way again baby

Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby,
I love you, I really do ..."

You can change the blog if you want to.
I can live with it, if you can.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Pugsy,

I'm a city woman waiting to show you Piccadilly and Abbey Road...come on over :)

RuKsaK said...

you can tell killer bees by the flowers they hang out at. you won't see no killer bee dining on no daffodil or pansy. And what is caulk?

Little Lamb said...

and what a cute pug you are, puggy poo.

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - It's a deal. Let me go ask my employer for some time off ... oh, crap, the answer was "no". I'll keep working on it.

***

Ruksak - Well, you stumped me. I can't think of a single flower type that would fit the killer bee profile. Unless, possibly a cactus flower.

Caulk is used to seal cracks, and occasionally has to be reapplied; though not as often as recommended by most handymen.

***

Lamby - Um, okay.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

poo poo pugsy. oh well...there's a cute german shephard a few blogs over who managed to get some time off till you can turn that no into a yes ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - Just one MORE reason to dislike the Germans, I suppose. Well that, and the whole "WWI and WWII" thing.

gautami tripathy said...

We are still at birds and bess...

What next?

puerileuwaite said...

Gautami - Funny you should ask. My next post will be out within the next 2-hours, and I think/hope that you in particular will enjoy it.

;-)

/t. said...

hey,
puggy poop

so where's this new
post of yours, hmmm?

then again, i probably shouldn't talk as i've been slacking here myself... anyway, looking forward

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. -

My newest post is ready
As you can readily see
This one is on poetry
Wait, I think I have to pee

With sobriquets such as "puggy poop"
And a cohort, name of Lamby
The blog world apparently has stooped
To provide a friend in thee

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

eh?

Celia said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.