Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Handling the Pug's Mailbag

Hi everybody,

Now is probably as bad a time as any to introduce a new type of post which I will call "Handling the Pug's Mailbag". In it, I will attempt to respond to anonymous questions from readers.

1) Does the Bermuda Triangle REALLY exist?

Yes it does. But the "powers that be" in the Pentagon, Oval Office, and even Red Square, are doing their best to convince us that there is no Triangle. And it's sad that this is the shape the world is in.

2) What really happened to "Flight 19"?

Unfortunately the "lost squadron" was at the mercy of a leader who exhibited sheer stubborn cluelessness. His version of reality had him over the Florida Keys, even though the flight had been heading due east from Fort Lauderdale for dozens of miles. Thus - over the arguments of his student pilots (who insolently wanted to fly west) - he led them on a meandering northeast path; farther and farther away from land. Furthermore, the flight leader apparently had a history of becoming disoriented during flight, reportedly having ditched his plane into the ocean on two previous occasions. If nothing else, we can take solace in knowing that - ever since - organizations have realized the importance of hiring intelligent and open-minded managers with track records of success and sound judgement.

3) When can we expect your payment?

I really don't see how this question has any relevance to the topic of the Bermuda Triangle, so I will have to handle this one "off-line". Unless ... of course ... my payment ... "disappeared" into the "Triangle".

4) Could spontaneous releases of methane gas be sinking ships and crashing planes into the Bermuda Triangle?

Sorry, but that theory doesn't retain solid credibility with yours truly. I know people who expel methane gas constantly, and there is no empirical evidence to support the assertion that objects situated overhead (such as ceilings, fans and light fixtures) have lost "buoyancy". Market value? Yes. Buoyancy? No.

5) Did Columbus really witness strange phenomena (dancing lights, compass variations, and a fireball crashing into the ocean) in the Bermuda Triangle during his first voyage?

Fortunately, we can get the answer directly from the man himself, as I've been known to "channel" on occasion. And surprisingly enough, Columbus looks and sounds a lot like Robert DeNiro. Let me ask him.

Me: "Columbus, did you see anything unusual during your first voyage to the New World?"

Columbus: "I seen lots of things."

Well there you have it. I hoped that you found this first delivery of "Handling the Pug's Mailbag" entertaining, and most important: educational.



Enemy of the Republic said...

I feel well educated in the realm of Pugdom. I rarely think on the ramifications of the Bermuda Triangle, but I do wonder if the check is in the mail.

Pud said...

Wow! I need this nice educational lessons right before my vacation. Just think of how many icebreaking conversations I can start with this new knowledge while sitting on a long flight.

leelee said...

I LOVE reading your mail. I knew that if I tried enough combos I would eventually figure out the password..oops..did I say too much??

Anonymous said...

skills are impressive


Serena Joy said...

I now know where to turn when I have a question nobody else can answer -- and they ALL have something to do with the Bermuda Triangle. Speaking of which, I know where that payment is. The check was in the mail, which was loaded onto Flight 19, which was piloted by Robert Columbus, and the whole mess is now spinning toward infinity in, yes, the Bermuda Triangle.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

My mailbag could use some handling, if you know what I'm saying...

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Shit. And I was just going to go to Bermuda. You don't work for the Bermuda board of tourism do you? Cuz you kinda suck.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - With my home correspondence course, you'll have your PugHD in no time. And we can expedite the process by "making extra room" in memory with my handy alcohol supplement kits.


Pud - Legally, I cannot guarantee that they'll get you more action. To the contrary, they may serve as "Elimidate" skills. But let's face it: if the person* (* note how I kept it "gender-open", since I don't know which "side of the plate" you'll be swinging from this particular "Spring Training") is only interested in your "triangle", and NOT your love of the Bermuda Triangle, then he/she should get lost (perhaps in the Bermuda Triangle ... thus adding to the pathos).

(p.s. - Will your flight be taking you over the Bermuda Triangle? This could add much needed relevance to your conversations)


Leelee - Then you already know what my NEXT post is going to be. And just for the record, I didn't order those male enhancement supplement coupons. They just sent them to me, knowing that a few of my blog buds would be suitable candidates.


/t. - The only drawback so far is that blood shoots out of all my passages everytime I do it. Just like in a Stephen King novel. But it will be worth it, if I can hold on until I get TIVO.


Serena - Plus I just learned that shorts and onions are associated with the "Triangle". So we should all be careful when packing our suitcases and choosing our destination.


Mighty D - I know exactly what you're sayin', my postal friend. Still, it has to be the right kind of handling. It's not cool when Bills get in there. But delivering free samples to lonely housewives almost makes up for it.

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - Actually they were so impressed with my Aruba P.R. work (Tagline: "Lose yourself in ... Aruba"), they offered me the Bermuda job sight unseen, and said they'd be sending a plane. Alas, so far, no word.

Little Lamb said...

Interesting questions.

Scary Monster said...

Me sent you a Christmas card a little bit early this year Pug. 
Me not too certain if it were placed on flight 19 or the Santa Maria.

Do you give channeling lessons?
There be some creatures me would like to converse with.

P.S. Disturbed minds do think alike.

Little Lamb said...

The bermuda triangle is interesting.

gautami tripathy said...

Hmm...interesting post...you know what I mean..:D

tfg said...

How can I get my white's whiter?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - That's why I wrote about it. I suspected that interesting topics may result in more comments.



Gautami - See? That's EXACTLY the point I was trying to make to Lamby. Interesting material is the bait in this sport.


TFG - I would place them in a brand new SUV and put on the latest CDs by John Mayer and/or The Dave Matthews Band.

Little Lamb said...

What interesting thing can I do for my next post?

Crashtest Comic said...

The Bermuda triangle is in my pants.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Well let's review: you just did a funny and revealing one about work, and another top-notch one about car care. You could always do a movie review (and it could be about any movie, current or otherwise ... pick a favorite one, and go into detail about what you like about it). I would like to read something like that from you. What do you think?


Crash - Mystery SOLVED: so THAT'S where insects "disappear" to in the winter months!

It's Me, Maven... said...

See, when I think of pugs, I think of dogs. And speaking of dogs and bags, have you ever checked out Neuticles.com?

puerileuwaite said...

Maven - I don't like to brag, but I've been running on Neuticle Power for years. It's more environmentally friendly than lumps of coal, and the only painful part is when the inert carbon rod has to be replaced.

Little Lamb said...

I like that idea. I have two absolute favorites. I could do that. I will eventually. When I find time.

Little Lamb said...

Thank you, Pug

puerileuwaite said...

No problemo, Little Lamby. I can't wait to read one.

leelee said...

"TFG - I would place them in a brand new SUV and put on the latest CDs by John Mayer and/or The Dave Matthews Band."

thanks for the laugh out loud moment this morning

limpy99 said...

Shit, and here I thought "Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind" was a documentary. Thanks for setting me straight o wise one.

GirlGoyle said...

I have a Bermuda Triangle and it too has a habit of making things dissappear.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - You know, I may have found my new calling (and it isn't even the Priesthood!).


Limpy - (As Columbus) I do what I can.


Girlgoyle - Why do sinister forces always seem to loiter near triangles? And how much is alcohol consumption and the resulting impaired judgement a contributing factor?

Maybe the answer is to prohibit access to the general public after my extensive research is complete.

This is why it's so important to file a flight plan prior to any excursion. It narrows down the search area.

That's also why I bring along my GPS and survival gear (including cellular phone and inflatable items) on any expedition.

Scary Monster said...

Me bellybutton be kinda like the Bermuda triangle. Me finds all kinds of lost objects in there.
Maybe me will even dig out an airplane or two someday.


puerileuwaite said...

Scary - Well I guess that answers the innie/outie question ...

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

YOU, in the priesthood????

ha ha ha ha ho ho ho

thanks! that was your funniest post yet!

Little Lamb said...

You do have some good ideas Puggy poo.

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - I thought you were the SUPPORTIVE type. I can only guess at your motive for trying to keep me from priesthood and the chastity that usually goes with it. Excuse me now. I have to go pray for your soul.


Lamby - We make a good team :-)

RevRee said...

I'd like to know why you didn't answer my question about why my nipples seem to get hard whenver I see a preview of the movie 300...

I need to know what's wrong with me!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Rev - Sorry. As you can see, the Pug's Mailbag was painfully engorged with a steady flow of Bermuda Triangle related questions.

The good news is that I know what's wrong. Your tolerance is so high that it now requires 150 per nipple to achieve "combat-readiness".

I suggest that you restrict yourself to films spanning from the Renniassance to present day until the swelling subsides.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...


You dirty dog.

I didn't know you were a psychic ;)

A puppy of many talents!

puerileuwaite said...

And I haven't even mentioned the unusual breedings yet, either.

gautami tripathy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.