Monday, May 21, 2007

Favorite Joke 001

Hi everybody,

I know. It's been awhile. I still have a couple of major projects that I'm working on. So I haven't had enough time to post any more of the Pug's adventures. Not yet, anyway.

But I do appreciate your loyalty in checking back frequently, and even your pestering for a new post I find endearing. So allow me to share one of my favorite jokes (slightly modified), from Drew Carey (one of the funniest comics ever, after CrashTest of course) and his book, "Dirty Jokes and Beer - Stories of the Unrefined".



***



There's a Pug who lives in The Great Southwest. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all of his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."

He goes to the roulette table.



The voice says, "Put all of your money on Red 23."

He puts all of his money on Red 23.

The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up Black 17.

The voice says, "Fuck."

.

45 comments:

leelee said...

lol...ouch!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Drew Carey sucks. This is why.

she said...

no! i liked it. i told my new favorite over at maydens a few weeks ago but here it goes again

did you hear about the vulture who boarded the plane with two dead raccoons?

the flight attendant said: im sorry sir you can only have one carrion.

grrrherhaha


did you hear about the guy with five dicks?

his pants fit like a glove.


grrrherherhaha

why don't cannibals eat clowns?

they taste funny.


grrherhaha

Little Lamb said...

To bad the voice was wrong.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Ha!

I hate when that happens.

I also hate when my voices get the idea that a Bee Gees concert in my head would be a good idea.

YAY! Thanks for the new post!

Me missed our dear pup!
xx
pinks

Serena Joy said...

LOL! Thank God you've got a new post up.:)

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Glad you enjoyed it.

***

Mighty D - You're just jealous because he's better looking than you.

***

She - I remembered your carrion joke. It's good (except that it reminds me of the years spent battling with bitchy United Airlines attendants in the unfriendly skies).

Your second one used to be a regular in my arsenal of barroom jokes.

The third one? Simply a classic.

***

Lamby - It helps if you look at it the other way. The nice folks at Ceasar's have bills to pay just like the rest of us.

***

Reverend - Sounds like you have the "Night Fever".

***

Serena - Thanks. I knew SOME of my readers would enjoy it as much as I do. It's good to finally get something new out.

cathy said...

I was dealing that game!
Oh! wait a minute, it wasn't Las
Vegas it was Brighton. Sounds like an international conspiracy to me.

How do you get 4 Greeks on a barstool?

Turn it upsidedown.

GirlGoyle said...

Shit! Now no money for beer!

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - And the corollary to THAT particular joke?

What's the most popular pickup line in a Greek bar?

"May I push in your stool?"


I'm glad to see the return of the "Wickedly Funny" Cathy.

:-)

***

Girlgoyle - And that, my friend, is the biggest tragedy in all of this. (At least one can pretend they're gambling whenever the complimentary drink lady saunters past. Not that I've ever done that. ;-)

leelee said...

What's the most popular pickup line in a Greek bar?

"May I push in your stool?"


I can't even take it!!

/t. said...

why
did the pug
cross the road?

/t.

limpy99 said...

I love that joke.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Okay--explain the meaning of the word "fuck". Does it mean the sexual act as prostitution is legal in Vegas? Does it refer to winning, knowing that the Mafia who own that hotel will now kill said winner? Or is it the obvious: Fuck, I lost.

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Who's there for you (with the humor) in the AM, baby?

***

/t. - Because the hookers were on the other side?

***

Limpy - Great minds think alike. I was a LOLunatic when I first read it.

***

Enemy - Fuck if I know!

cathy said...

why do greek men grow beards?

so they can look like their mothers

cathy said...

A greek told me that last joke.

leelee said...

you're there for me morning.. noon and night (with the humor)baby!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, what the fuck, you wrote it. Or did the voice dictate it from the sky--God isn't supposed to curse. Neither am I, but I'm human. Anyway, I am puzzled by this word in your story.

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - You're killin' me here with the Greek jokes! I love it.

***

Leelee - Well in that case, call me the Good Humor Pug, ringing my bell and dishin' out the creamy desserts.

***

Enemy - You're crackin' me up! In this case I interpret it as "Fuck, I lost!!!". So this assumedly* (* is assumedly even a word? I think it is, but I'm too tired right now to double-check) "prescient" voice is simply gambling the Pug's net worth.

***

Thank you ladies. Y'all made me laugh more in the past 5-minutes than I sometimes get to in an entire day!

:-)

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Night Fever? Oh thank goodness. I thought it was malaria ;)

:)
xx
pinks

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

woof.

sniff sniff.

where be pugs?
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Reverend - Yo!

tfg said...

What's blue and comes in brownies?


Cub Scouts

puerileuwaite said...

TFG - Holy crap! LOL! How come I never heard that little gem before?

kate said...

lmao... is that from the book?

Good luck with the 'projects'!

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - Yes it is. The projects - though still a few months from completion - are progressing nicely. Thank you, my little jelly bean!

Enemy of the Republic said...

No voice, divine or otherwise, should use the word "fuck" in relationship to the dear Pug and survive. I want names and addresses!

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Hell, if she's cute, I want her name and address!

kate said...

ok that is just frightening... I have a name that doesnt shorten... have never had a real nickname... other than Jelly Bean! (and that was many many many years ago!) We must be in a mind meld! *wink

Glad your projects are progressing... always good when things are moving forward in life.. God help us if we are stagnant!

As for Thelma, Louise and Louise this weekend... hummm never having seen the movie, I am perplexed as to which character to call! lol Any thoughts?

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - That's because I have the "shining". Just like in that Stephen King movie, the name of which escapes me. Now if only I can avoid getting killed in Act IV!

Sorry. I'm of no help on the Thelma, Louise and Louise front. You see, I can't remember which one of them drove their car off the cliff at the end.

Scary Monster said...

Me hates that voice. Me listened to it when it told me to vote republican- now we're all fucked.

Scary Monster said...

Why did the Pug cross the road?

He were stuck in the chicken?

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?


A 25 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

STOMP.

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Scary - I'm right with you on the first comment. I used to be a registered Republican! It is no longer the "party of Lincoln". It's the filthy rich lining their pockets no matter how terrible a price is paid by the poor and middle class. And it's been that way for a long time. A most dangerous dinosaur.

Bear in mind that I'm not into the "party" concept to start with. I think that it severely hinders our ability to encourage and select the absolute best candidates. It reminds me of one of my ALL-TIME favorite song lyrics from Rush's "The Spirit of Radio":

"But glittering prizes
and endless compromises
shatter the illusion of integrity"

However, since we DO have to play with the cards we've been dealt, let's watch and learn first-hand what each hopeful is about, then support and vote for the best possible DEMOCRATIC candidates running.

+++

And while the Pug was stuck in the chicken, he remembered Elvis singing:

"I'll stick like glue
Stick, because I'm stuck on you".

For the 2nd joke, I also would've accepted the punchline:

"One heck of a morning wake-up call for the ladies."

gautami tripathy said...

I won't laugh. Not on Drew Carrey jokes.

puerileuwaite said...

To each their own.

Corn Dog said...

I can't remember jokes. I only remember one punch line and it is "because 6 8 7." I wish I knew what joke it went with.

I haven't been a registered voter since ...well I was 18. I need a calculator to see how many years ago that was. Call me a tad bit paranoid. This last election, I could take Bush-the-Nimrod no longer so I registered. I have seen umpteen officials trying to deregister, like some depedigree mutt. Sure enough, as soon as I registered I got relentless called to jury duty. People came to house stalking me from various party affliations. Weirdos called me on the phone like the governor and the mayor. Now I am trying to convince everyone I'm not registered by starting a smear campaign against myself.

puerileuwaite said...

Corn Dog - Amen, sister! Still, I DO hope you'll vote in 2008. We (your fellow Americans) need you.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Pug was no fan of the Republicians. Perhaps that is where the word "fuck" came from. After all, they believe God is on their side.

RevRee said...

Q Why wasn't Adam a black man?...


A Because what brotha would give up a rib?...


HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Good point, M'lady.

***

Rev - A classic! I'd forgotten that one, babe. Love the new avatar, BTW.

Crashtest Comic said...

That's the funniest joke in America!

kate said...

just reading the quotes on the right... loved this one... such a positive thinker lol


"Dead or Alive? It's still nice to be wanted"

Hope you are having a good weekend!

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - That's a bold statement, but I'm glad you liked it buddy.

***

Kate - I just KNEW that if I dragged my feet long enough on getting new posts out, some of you would be FORCED to read the crap on my sidebar. Victory is mine!