Tuesday, May 08, 2007

An Unvarnished Account of an Unfinished Life - Part I


The Beginning

It had been rumored that Heaven was almost depleted of souls, and a most fearful prophesy was - as a result - on the verge of realization. For it had been said that the first souless birth of the new Millenium would trigger a chain of events so cataclismic, that the end of mankind would result. It would require nothing short of a miracle to save humanity from the great abyss. It would take a small, unassuming little Pug to emerge from oblivion in order to provide this miracle. His birth in a trailer during a pilgrimage to a Grateful Dead concert would herald the dawn of a glorious new age, and replenish the supply of souls, if only for the middle-to-low income bracket.

The Early Years

The Pug grew up in a small town where - despite his mischievous nature - he was much beloved. So much so, that even the most bitter, drunken motorists would be compelled to swerve in order to avoid hurting him. And so it was, that his brief disappearance during the blizzard of '03 served to coelesce the community of Hatsfields and McCoys into a Pug Posse that searched tirelessly for his frozen carcass. And even though the posse subsequently disbanded into violently opposed factions after his live discovery, for that brief moment in time the Pug indeed was a "Uniter".

Despite his youth, the Pug was a mature and natural leader, never hesistating to stand up for truth and justice. A rabid enemy of Temple Money-Changers, he was also a compassionate "annointer" of community cornerstones. He was renowned for his work with lepers, and legendary for his missionary work with women in leopard prints.



to be continued ...

.

67 comments:

Corn Dog said...

All Hail The Pug! Blessed be The Pug! He shall be missed but his greatness goes on told from one generation to the next.

GirlGoyle said...

So finally the revalation; a beginning in a trailer during a pilgrimage to a Grateful Dead concert explains a lot about you. Nodding head...sure does s'plain a lot!

Serena Joy said...

And so begins the Legend of the Pug. Since he WAS a missionary, I think I have a glimmer of where this is going. Blessed be.

puerileuwaite said...

Corn Dog - As long as his exploits are retold without doctoring or embellishment, and no one else's "dogma" (get it? DOGma?) is added to the mix, he'd be okay with it.

***

Girlgoyle - Folks always thought it was living under them power lines. Others suspected lead-based paint. Only now after his passing can the truth be revealed.

Scary Monster said...

Me be hoping that this post wont be ending on the summit of a hill where folks are singing, "Always look at the bright side of life"

Watch out! The pug be back!!
STOMP!!!

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - By the time we're done with this serial, I think all will agree that it indeed surpasses some of the "other" legends, such as:

Sleepy Hollow
Billy Jack
Boggy Creek II
The Best of Bob Marley.

And though The Pug WAS renowned for his missionary work, he was equally famous for his bottom-up approach (imbibing is just one of many examples). But in the end, he was one to tackle a challenge from any angle.

puerileuwaite said...

Scary - Love it. That scene is too much of a classic to plagiarize. Though The Pug and I do like the upbeat message (loosely quoted, since I'm in a hurry this AM):

"You came into the world with nothin'. You leave with nothin'. So what have you lost? Nothin'!"

Anyway, "The Greatest Pug Story Ever Told" is bound to take a few detours along the way, so even I don't know where it'll wind up.

Serena Joy said...

Sleepy Hollow
Billy Jack
Boggy Creek II


I'm thinking "Pug: The Movie," with Bob Marley wailing on the soundtrack.

And though The Pug WAS renowned for his missionary work, he was equally famous for his bottom-up approach (imbibing is just one of many examples). But in the end, he was one to tackle a challenge from any angle.

And why, again, are we not throwing a bang-up, blow-out party to celebrate his greatness? I know I could use a good party right now.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - The challenge is to construct an event that channels the essence of The Pug without totally ripping off "Caligula" verbatim.

I'm thinking that a nice capper to the serial would be the "wrap party". And hopefully by then we'll have designed an affair that meets the aforementioned criteria.

/t. said...

killer
serial, pug

takes me back
to those thrilling days of yesteryear

/t.

she said...

for the Pug so loved the world that he turned the one pumpernickel "loaf" into many, so that all yards might share in his good works, and the homeowners
would look upon them and shreik out His holy name...

Serena Joy said...

This is going to be a hard proposition to pull off without ripping off 'Caligula,' but such an affair can be unwrapped without too much work.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

um...I thought he liked it doggie style...didn't know he was into missionary...

limpy99 said...

I just can't wait until he recreates the "loaves and fishes" miracle with doughnuts and beer.

Mel said...

I never knew the pug was capable of traditional "missionary work"


what many joys and new discoveries I shall make with this new reading

(hi P.. so sorry to hear of your sad news whilst I was away with my head over the toilet bowl.. but I'm back now, miss me?)

kate said...

ummm.... dont know quite what to say! lol Oh and lovely photos! LOL

leelee said...

FINALLY...the untold story....told

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - A family member was heavily into Flash Gordon serial reruns. They seemed too cheesy for me (why, for instance did the rocket ships generate smoke exhaust ... that rose straight up, no less?). Now I have this cheesy blog. So I've learned to do a better job of suspending reality.

(I was more into The Cisco Kid and The Lone Ranger (reruns), which were a Sunday morning ritual.)

***

She - So whenever one sees a yellow spot on their lawn, they shall think of The Pug. And hopefully remember not to blaspheme.

***

Serena - Let's just go easy on the crepe paper, m'kay?

***

Reverend - The Pug knew he had to be flexible in today's global marketplace.

***

Limpy - You may be in for a surprise. Try as he may, getting the "Doughnuts and Beer" crowd out of their recliners and into the revival tent was a miracle even The Pug couldn't pull off.

***

Mel - I sure did. You DID stay true the entire time, and didn't get knocked up or anything. Right? Right?!

***

Kate - Healing mutes and muting talkers are two other things The Pug was famous for. This is why he was always invited to meetings.

***

Leelee - People need to be exposed to The Pug. Which, if you think about it, is the opposite of how he lived his life. Plus it paves the way for the merchandising.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

well all I can say is that I'm happy Pug did valuable missionary work helping poor dogs the world over - was he involved in the puppy deposit bank or the bitch's self help groups or the runaway puppy hotline? Those were brilliant projects and worthy of nobel prizes. Mohammad Unnis stole the show. I vote for Pug!

puerileuwaite said...

Well it's about time somebody else tooted his horn ...

Little Lamb said...

Interesting story. Is this about you or your pug?

Enemy of the Republic said...

What a fine, noble hound! I am impressed!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - I only wish it was about me. But unlike The Pug, I am not free of sin. For you see, I am guilty of Envy. Oh, and Lust.

***

Enemy - Only the good die young. I heard that somewhere (I think in a NYC Italian restaurant).

leelee said...

Yes, I'd like to order a mug, a T-shirt and perhaps a pink cap

Mel said...

well... my name has never been Mary and I do believe I am on your black sheep list (or at one point was) so my halo is tainted and I am almost 10 weeks pregnant.. or as you eloquently put it .. I am indeed knocked up.

gautami tripathy said...

Now the story unfolds....

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - The good news? They ARE available for purchase. The bad news? My sole retail outlet is a truck stop in Dubuque.

***

Mel - Well in that case, let me know when the swelling subsides.

***

Gautami - Technically, "unravels" would be the more accurate verb.

:-)

she said...

oh yeah. i think i saw the pugs "plush" display at the choke 'n puke in east dubuque.

puerileuwaite said...

She - Those bastards! Per our exclusive distribution agreement, they agreed to change the name to "Eat It and Beat It". They'll be hearing from my attorney (I have one on restrainer* (* just like in Pulp Fiction))! Thanks for the heads-up.



(p.s. - Please tell me you didn't actually eat there. I've grown to care even more about you, now that I've learned there's something missing.)

Malnurtured Snay said...

The pug has good taste in boobies.

Crashtest Comic said...

This is a nice piece of writing my friend...

I'm in.

cathy said...

Blessed be the leopard print fabric wearers for they shall inherit the sausage!

Enemy of the Republic said...

http://www.barackobama.com/

I don't know if you care, but if he is not successful, Muffin shall step in and run for office. My noble feline!

gautami tripathy said...

Going into technicalities..

what other languages can you speak, read and write apart from English?

puerileuwaite said...

MalSnay - From the day he was born, there was an instant attachment.

***

Crash - Thanks. I wanted to make up for the poetry debacle.

***

Cathy - But hopefully not the wind that sometimes follows. Lead me not into temptation. Not!

***

Enemy - I'll check it out. I still haven't decided which Democrat I'll be voting for. Who knows? Muffin may end up having the best platform for yours truly.

***

Gautami - A little Spanish, and possibly the "language of love", if that counts.

:-)

tfg said...

Have you ever noticed that "The Language of Love" is often kind of unromantic?

cathy said...

further to tfg's comment...

..."Course I loves ya, I fucks ya don't I?"

What's unromantic about that?

puerileuwaite said...

TFG - My theory? That's because, per Roxy Music and others, love is a drug. So we're only deluded into thinking the verbiage is witty and romantic (just like how we think our business presentations are brilliant, when you just KNOW the other attendees are wondering, "how many friggin' slides is Dilbert going to inflict on us today?" ... this is one reason why I no longer use Powerpoint to hit on women ... the other reason is that bars never seem to have a power outlet handy for my laptop), when it's more like Russell Crowe's original band: "30 Odd Foot of Grunts".

***

Cathy - I had absolutely no idea that women felt that way. I thought they were all about the "romance" (whatever that is). So all they want is the sex? Wow. I'd better be ready for the Pepcid challenge! Know thy adversary.

kate said...

I am getting tired of looking at this chicks bra big guy.. time for a new post (ok perhaps I am just jealous... but it is that time!) hehehe

puerileuwaite said...

Kathy - You're right (boy, were THOSE words tough to write!). It IS time, isn't it? Okay, lemme see what I can "whip up".

/t. said...

nore
graphics

less shirt

/t.

Serena Joy said...

You know Roxy Music.:)

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

And the middle years????

:)

xx
pinks

cathy said...

um....tag.....ssssorry.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Is it still allowed to pray to animals?

Mayden's Voyage said...

STOP taking pic's of me from the neck down and posting them!

Ugh...Pug...will you ever learn?

;)
I still adore you :) here's a scratch behind those ears~

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I'm (wishing I was) on it!

***

Serena - Big time (promise me you won't tell anyone).

***

Reverend - Funny you should ask. I was just thinking about them. Oh no, not writing. But thinking ...

***

Cathy - D'oh! Why you little ... vixen! Okay, I'll have to include my answers in one of my next posts.

***

Enemy - You sure can. But actual "Confesssion" would be a bit of a stretch. Besides, other than in a "Far Side" cartoon, you'd never get an elephant into his side of the Confessional. And even if you could, he'd probably trumpet every time you revealed something juicy.

***

FM - Sorry. All I wanted was to momentarily squeeze a little joy out of life, and taste the nectar of forbidden fruit. I'll go with Plan-B instead: the "Shoe-Cam"!

Serena Joy said...

I won't tell if you promise not to tell anybody how much (More Than This) I like it.

Mayden's Voyage said...

LOL-
I have a few shoe shots I might ought to send you ;)

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

time to post my dear pugsy!
xx

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

ok...i have this theory that you've been distracted by the sight of boobies.

more more more...we need the middle years!
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Deal!

***

FM - That would be nice. As long as there's no loafers in the bunch.

***

Reverend - I have to be inspired. I haven't felt creative lately. It'll come. Eventually.

:-)

/t. said...

inspiration?

  Wendy Whoppers

/t.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

wow /t!

thats inspiring - even to ME!

;)
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - She's probably too busy juggling ... er ... men to take any time out to inspire The Pug.

***

Reverend - Please don't let me find out you've been playing for the other team.

Crashtest Comic said...

Wendy Whoppers--nice shoes.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

I play for whatever team is wining baby...just call me an opportunist.

But, I'm playing for Man U today (FA cup football final here in London)

I can't enjoy the day because alas...I'm am crying...weeping in fact....

No post from the Pug :'(

Sniff.

Little Lamb said...

Puggy poo! I'm home!

Enemy of the Republic said...

I await more....

Corn Dog said...

Hey Pug, how's the new kid doing? Any pics? Any poo where it shouldn't be?

puerileuwaite said...

Crash - You forced me to go back and confirm that she was wearing shoes!

***

Reverend - I have a couple of big projects that I'm working on, so it may be awhile before my next (Pug "original", anyway) post. You're more likely to see to occasional comment from me on your blog.

***

Lamby - Hello, Lamby! It's so nice to have you back where you belong.

***

Enemy - It may be awhile, my friend (see my response a short ways up to Reverend). I've had very little time lately to blog, let alone visit my buds' blogs. Amd it may be that way for the near future.

***

Corn Dog - The good news? I do have some cute pix. The bad news? It may be some time before I can post them. Poo where it shouldn't be? I think you know the answer to that one. I resorted to borrowing from "Crank Yankers, reminding him: "too many poos, we all lose".

;-)

Corn Dog said...

LOL, I have not heard that one "Too many poos, we all lose." It is my motto and my new theme song. We adopted our little dog from a foster service when she was 7. Though the ad claimed she was housebroken, she kept dropping a log by my husband's dresser - only his dresser. A present, no doubt.

Scary Monster said...

Hey pug. You must use /t's material for the next post that me be eagerly awaiting for. Stop collecting comments and STOMP already.

she said...

now you're just coasting on charm.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Pug...blah blah blah...come on and post puppy. Anything...even if not the middle years!
xx
pinks

(not taking no for an answer)

puerileuwaite said...

Corn Dog - There's even more, I'm afraid: "Hold it in, we all win". Your hubby and I appear to have the same luck when receiving presents!

***

Scary - Now, now. Let's not encourage him.

***

She - If I were coasting on charm (which I didn't have to go to a "charm" school to attain ... unlike SOME monster we know ;-) , I'd have been stuck on the side of the road some time ago.

***

Reverend - Oh crap. You win. Stay tuned ...

Corn Dog said...

LOL..I'm going to have to remember that one too. We drive the dogs to the dog park once a week. By the time we see the Cosco, the little one is yipping like a broken siren and we all know why. Poo Poo is peaking out the shu shu. Hubby has to careen like a madman past cars so he can floor it up to a drop off point so the little dog can race out and drop the poo off OUTSIDE the car.