Presidential Trivia - XI thru XV

Hi Everybody,

Welcome back to the captivating world of Presidential Trivia, now with EVEN MORE ACTUAL FACTOIDS! Who knew that our great leaders, past and present, were so damned "3-dimensional"?

Now, for some odd and unfounded reason, I've been accused of starting multi-part posts that I don't finish. So allow me to incrementally dispel that nasty rumor with a continuation of this particular series. In fact, I'm having SO much fun, that I've decided to draw it out by "kicking it down a notch" to 5-Presidents at a time. So, my fellow Americans and Americanophiles, enjoy!


11) James Knox Polk - The first so-called "Dark Horse" candidate to be elected President. What most people don't know is that he validated this title by wearing a ridiculous "Black Beauty" equine costume at the first Thanksgiving dinner to be held in the White House. I can't blame him. His wife Sarah Polk was a devout Presbyterian who banned dancing, card-playing and alcoholic beverages. Of course back then, it was considered "improper" to refer to these types of First Ladies as "stifling bitches". So President Polk - under the guise of "entertaining his guests" - simply donned the horse costume and imbibed the Sour Mash Whiskey that was secreted inside. So what if he made an ass of himself? He beat the system. And that is what we look for in a leader.

President Polk is also responsible for helping to "encourage" Mexico to cheaply sell a "teensy-weensy" sliver of land to the U.S. which includes California, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Utah and parts of Colorado and Wyoming. And lucky for us, soon after GOLD(!) was discovered in California (it would have really sucked if it were discovered BEFORE the purchase), starting a rush, the name of which is long-forgotten. We are grateful to our "Amigos to the South" for their generous deal, but prefer to show that gratitude from afar by waving at them over the fence.


12) Zachary Taylor - Even though his nickname was "Old Rough and Ready", don't get too excited. It had nothing to do with sex.

Rather, his nickname should have been "Old Coot", as this charmer was known for returning mail that had postage due, and also for chasing kids off of the White House lawn with a horse whip. But being a man of double-standards, he kept "Old Whitey" (the horse he egotistically named after himself) on the same grounds, where it crapped at will. Eventually everyone pitched in for a bowl of cherries laced with arsenic and left them on his night-stand, proving that certain Presidents have a gift for galvanizing and uniting Americans into action.


13) Millard Fillmore - While thirteen is usually considered an unlucky number, this President spent a great deal of time getting lucky, or as he called it: "Rockin' the Fillmore". In fact, he often boasted that he was able to "fill more" of his constituants than any previous President.

He was controversial for his compromise and fugitive slaves acts, and also for inspiring the insipid "Mallard Fillmore" comic strip. On the other hand, he did help to make the White House a less odorous place, by installing its first bath tub (probably the same one that fat-ass President Taft later got stuck in).


14) Franklin Pierce - President Pierce was arrested while in office for running over an old woman with his horse, but his case was dropped because - duh - he was The President. The woman's family was jailed for abetting the obstruction of his carriage, and their vacated home was used to stable the horse.

Pierce had fought in the Mexican War and was wounded by an errant burrito. One of the Democratic party's slogans during Pierce's campaign for president was: "We Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852." Well over a century later, William Clinton melded these slogans into a similar one that targeted the bimbo demographic.

The Franklinator was the only elected President who sought but did not win his party's nomination for a second term, giving many Republicans false cause for hope in the year 2004. He was also the first President to have a Christmas tree in the White House, and the first to unwrap a dried piece of dogshit on Christmas morning.


15) James Buchanan - He was known for his uncanny resemblence to W.C. Fields (who was also a gambling, alcoholic grouch who hated kids and dogs), and for his ineptness in failing to defuse Northern and Southern pre-Civil War tensions. He dressed impeccably, was a neat freak and never married. As such he was likely our first gay President. Those who knew him, bragged that he could "make over" an entire room in the White House over a single weekend, always picked the perfect wine, and never failed to moisturize. He loved going to plays, but was paranoid about unwelcome visitors to his private booth, so he always bolted the door and propped a chair against it. Darn.

See you next time, for the next "fabulous five"!

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