Sunday, June 17, 2007

Presidential Trivia - XI thru XV


Hi Everybody,

Welcome back to the captivating world of Presidential Trivia, now with EVEN MORE ACTUAL FACTOIDS! Who knew that our great leaders, past and present, were so damned "3-dimensional"?

Now, for some odd and unfounded reason, I've been accused of starting multi-part posts that I don't finish. So allow me to incrementally dispel that nasty rumor with a continuation of this particular series. In fact, I'm having SO much fun, that I've decided to draw it out by "kicking it down a notch" to 5-Presidents at a time. So, my fellow Americans and Americanophiles, enjoy!


11) James Knox Polk - The first so-called "Dark Horse" candidate to be elected President. What most people don't know is that he validated this title by wearing a ridiculous "Black Beauty" equine costume at the first Thanksgiving dinner to be held in the White House. I can't blame him. His wife Sarah Polk was a devout Presbyterian who banned dancing, card-playing and alcoholic beverages. Of course back then, it was considered "improper" to refer to these types of First Ladies as "stifling bitches". So President Polk - under the guise of "entertaining his guests" - simply donned the horse costume and imbibed the Sour Mash Whiskey that was secreted inside. So what if he made an ass of himself? He beat the system. And that is what we look for in a leader.

President Polk is also responsible for helping to "encourage" Mexico to cheaply sell a "teensy-weensy" sliver of land to the U.S. which includes California, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Utah and parts of Colorado and Wyoming. And lucky for us, soon after GOLD(!) was discovered in California (it would have really sucked if it were discovered BEFORE the purchase), starting a rush, the name of which is long-forgotten. We are grateful to our "Amigos to the South" for their generous deal, but prefer to show that gratitude from afar by waving at them over the fence.


12) Zachary Taylor - Even though his nickname was "Old Rough and Ready", don't get too excited. It had nothing to do with sex.

Rather, his nickname should have been "Old Coot", as this charmer was known for returning mail that had postage due, and also for chasing kids off of the White House lawn with a horse whip. But being a man of double-standards, he kept "Old Whitey" (the horse he egotistically named after himself) on the same grounds, where it crapped at will. Eventually everyone pitched in for a bowl of cherries laced with arsenic and left them on his night-stand, proving that certain Presidents have a gift for galvanizing and uniting Americans into action.


13) Millard Fillmore - While thirteen is usually considered an unlucky number, this President spent a great deal of time getting lucky, or as he called it: "Rockin' the Fillmore". In fact, he often boasted that he was able to "fill more" of his constituants than any previous President.

He was controversial for his compromise and fugitive slaves acts, and also for inspiring the insipid "Mallard Fillmore" comic strip. On the other hand, he did help to make the White House a less odorous place, by installing its first bath tub (probably the same one that fat-ass President Taft later got stuck in).


14) Franklin Pierce - President Pierce was arrested while in office for running over an old woman with his horse, but his case was dropped because - duh - he was The President. The woman's family was jailed for abetting the obstruction of his carriage, and their vacated home was used to stable the horse.

Pierce had fought in the Mexican War and was wounded by an errant burrito. One of the Democratic party's slogans during Pierce's campaign for president was: "We Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852." Well over a century later, William Clinton melded these slogans into a similar one that targeted the bimbo demographic.

The Franklinator was the only elected President who sought but did not win his party's nomination for a second term, giving many Republicans false cause for hope in the year 2004. He was also the first President to have a Christmas tree in the White House, and the first to unwrap a dried piece of dogshit on Christmas morning.


15) James Buchanan - He was known for his uncanny resemblence to W.C. Fields (who was also a gambling, alcoholic grouch who hated kids and dogs), and for his ineptness in failing to defuse Northern and Southern pre-Civil War tensions. He dressed impeccably, was a neat freak and never married. As such he was likely our first gay President. Those who knew him, bragged that he could "make over" an entire room in the White House over a single weekend, always picked the perfect wine, and never failed to moisturize. He loved going to plays, but was paranoid about unwelcome visitors to his private booth, so he always bolted the door and propped a chair against it. Darn.

See you next time, for the next "fabulous five"!

.

59 comments:

Enemy of the Republic said...

I actually had to write a paper on Polk's presidency, another on Pierce's and another on Taylors. At least I was spared Fillmore. And Buchanan was one sad ass president.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Too bad you already wrote those papers. You would've been welcome to use my additional material.

Here's some of my other works, if you ever want to use them for reference:

Chile: Not just something you eat

Nostradamus: Actual Seer or yet another French "Know-It-All"?

Little Lamb said...

Ooooooooh! Part 2!

/t. said...

yeah
to the
lamb's comment

we're impressed to see this follow up post, pug -- you're winning fans like crazy now!

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Yes. The curse has been lifted.

***

/t. - As long as none of them are like the fan in Stephen King's "Misery", because my penguin doesn't always point north.

Pink said...

Buchanan gay? I should think not. You never mentioned anything about show tunes and everyone knows that show tunes are a necessity!
xx
pinks

Pink said...

But I'm not letting you off the hook so easily.

I'm still waiting for dating mojo part two and pug the middle years.

Don't think an accountant doesn't keep records.
;)

But good effort on the follow through. THAT ALONE could be the subject of dating mojo 2 'Follow through'
:)

xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Hey, wait a minute: yours truly likes show tunes! And what's all this, then? MORE demands? Why, it's like marriage, but WITHOUT the sex!

limpy99 said...

"it's like marriage, but WITHOUT the sex!"

You're not married are you?

Enemy of the Republic said...

One thing about Polk--he made Calvin Coolidge look like Van Halen after a fifth of Jack Daniels. Talk about emotionless.

My favorite Calvin Coolidge story: He was leaving church one Sunday and a reporter came up to him to ask what the sermon was about. Coolidge answered: "Sin. He's against it."

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - With all of that free sex anytime a man wants, marriage does have its appeal.

***

Enemy - My favorite (if there is such a thing) Calvin Coolidge story is when a woman bet that she could get him to say more than 2-words to her at a dinner. Silent the whole night, just before leaving he turned to her and said, "You Lose". What a guy.

tfg said...

Which president installed the first bidet in the White House?

Serena Joy said...

I think I once dated President Polk.

Puggy, who on earth told you there's sex in marriage?

puerileuwaite said...

TFG - The answer may surprise you. It was none other than "W". His mock outrage with the French (and the ensuing "Freedom Fries" debacle) was merely a smokescreen for his own secret desire to be a topless French Cabaret singer.

***

Serena - I've come to terms with the reality that there's really no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. I have also accepted the notion that Republicans aren't necessarily looking out for the average* (* non-wealthy) American.

But PLEASE let me continue to imagine that marriage CAN BE a pornacopia of perpetual exotic delights, similar to what Tahiti must have been to the crew of the Bounty.

Serena Joy said...

You're correct, of course. Tahitian marriages are highly erotic. I stand my ground on my Easter Bunny position, however. He does, too, exist. He redid my living room, singing show tunes the whole time.

Corn Dog said...

Who'd a thought history was so much fun? I visited James K Polk's home numerous times in Tennessee. He lived next to a Wendy's. I guess that's how he got gout.

/t. said...

hahah a ha haha ha ahaha haha hhah ahah ah ha a aha h a ha hah ahh ah ha hah ah ah h a hah ha hhah a aha ah ah ah ahah a ahahah aha ha ahaha aha aha ahah hah ahah ah ah ah ahah ah aha ahahah ha

[just practising for your next post]

/t.

Little Lamb said...

/t. makes fun of me like that all the time.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Agreed. Now if only we could associate bunnies with sex.

***

Corn Dog - Maybe that's the best place he could afford. At least Wendy was cute in an innocent, Pippi Longstocking way. Besides, Taco Bells didn't become popular until years after the Mexican War.

***

/t. - I see you spilled over from Lamby's chat box. Lucky me.

***

Lamby - You encouraged him. We reap what we sow.

/t. said...

hahah a ha haha ha ahaha haha hhah ahah ah ha a aha h a ha hah ahh ah ha hah ah ah h a hah ha hhah a aha ah ah ah ahah a ahahah aha ha ahaha aha aha ahah hah ahah ah ah ah ahah ah aha ahahah ha

/t.

Serena Joy said...

Impossible! Bunnies do not have sex. Ever.

limpy99 said...

I was going to use the "You lose" Coolidge story too. Because I don't know any others.

Regarding Tahiti and The Bounty, there's all sorts of greta stories about how that meeting led to widespread syphilis among both sides. Good times indeed!

Little Lamb said...

So we reap what we sow. Hmmmm. Something to think about.

/t. said...

&
sew
what we rip

hahah a ha haha ha ahaha haha hhah ahah ah ha a aha h a ha hah ahh ah ha hah ah ah h a hah ha hhah a aha ah ah ah ahah a ahahah aha ha ahaha aha aha ahah hah ahah ah ah ah ahah ah aha ahahah ha

/t.

Little Lamb said...

How can I get /t. to love me again?

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - By that sinister laugh and extra-curly mustache, I should have known that you were up to no good, Snidely Whiplash!

***

Serena - Don't I know it. I once went to a Playboy Club and found THAT little lesson out the hard way. Some of them don't even know the multiplication tables.

***

Limpy - Silent Cal is going to be a tough one for me trivia-wise. Not only was the man devoid of personality, he probably sucked the life out of any room he entered.

Thanks for bringing me down to reality. Maybe that's where the "Tahiti Tingle" REALLY got its name. Well, I suppose I COULD go to Aruba instead.

***

Lamby - Yes, I think I read it somewhere. It was either in a parable or an old letter to Penthouse Forum.

Oh, and sorry. "Getting /t. to love you again" is virgin territory for THIS humble advice columnist.

However, if your question was, "How can I distract /t. long enough to free myself of the restraints and run for help?"; perhaps I could be of some assistance (I watch a lot of Lifetime movies and Canadian travelogues).

/t. said...

LL,

that ship sailed,
& struck an iceberg,
& sunk to the bottom,
with no survivors

pug, take note -- once they've had /t., it's all that they see

O! cursed be these devastating nanny killing good looks!

PS, i love those travelogues

/t.

limpy99 said...

I'l read a couple of Coolidge biogrpahies for you and report back with some weel-researched insights.

Wait, no I won't.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh yeah, I know that one. He was a wild and crazy Prez.

Little Lamb said...

Puggy, /t. is now history. It will stay that way, I'm afraid.

/t. said...

hahah a ha haha ha ahaha haha hhah ahah ah ha a aha h a ha hah ahh ah ha hah ah ah h a hah ha hhah a aha ah ah ah ahah a ahahah aha ha ahaha aha aha ahah hah ahah ah ah ah ahah ah aha ahahah ha

/t.

Scary Monster said...

Looks like Me be late for the party.

Me reckons it be because me got on the wrong ship and ended up in iceland. Now how does Me get to Tahiti.

Has /t been inhaling whippits?

Serena Joy said...

I got my info straight from the Tooth Fairy, so I know it's gospel true. Do you want me to go back and ask her about the effects of multiplication tables on bunny libidos?:-)

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Once they've had /t., it's all that they see?

Well they should lay off the LSD.

***

Limpy - Whew. You scared me there for a moment. I was worried that you either lost it or are incarcerated somewhere.

***

Enemy - I hope you meant that you know OF him. Because I don't want to believe that I have a Shirley MacLaine of my hands.

***

Lamby - I thought history was supposed to only be written by the winners ...

***

/t. - Take on me. Take me on. (Sorry, those are the only A ha lyrics that I know ...)

***

Scary - You're always right on time, my friend. The more important you are, the later you should arrive. The most important ones don't show up at all.

I think /t. is overly excited because Canada's one week of summer is just around the corner.

***

Serena - A fairy that collects teeth probably isn't the most "balanced" source of information. But at least it IS a SHE; unlike the tooth faries in lockup.

Besides, even though multiplication tables don't seeem to directly affect the libido, reciting them usually distracts and confuses the bunny. This allows one to get "at the product".

Little Lamb said...

Puggy, I am a winner. I like to win.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - We'll see about that. I'll wrestle you for bragging rights.

GirlGoyle said...

If he sang show tunes it is a dead give away...Buchanon was gay. He probably bolted the door so he could sing along and sache all he wanted. Jez christ!!

Little Lamb said...

Ok, a lamb and a dog wrestling, ought to be interesting to see.

kate said...

LOL TO LIMPYS COMMENT... AND THE FOLLOW-UP.

THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE... FOR A PRESIDENT THAT DOESNT DESERVE TO BE PICKED ON AND FOR "pornacopia of perpetual exotic delights, similar to what Tahiti must have been to the crew of the Bounty." IN MARRIAGE! LOL (ALL BETS ARE OFF DURING THE HONEYMOON PHASE THOUGH... IF WE COULD JUST BOTTLE THAT!)

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle - Exactly. And as the story goes, John Wilkes Booth was so irritated by this behavior, he vowed revenge on any future Presidents using the VIP box at his favorite theatre.

***

Lamby - It might be difficult with the dim lighting and dark Jello.

***

Kate - Et tu, Kate? I figured that if one person could make a marriage one constant honeymoon, it would be you. Or maybe you don't want us to know it's REALLY that way ...

Pink said...

hey pugsy - like marriage without the sex? You've obviously never been married. You expect sex when you get married?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha


Ok. enough collecting love and affection. get on with a new post already.

xx
pinks
(with love and affection)

kate said...

Lets get to the really important stuff... with a name like James Knox Polk, how did he ever get elected? No wonder he was a dark horse!

You have a knack at making American History facinating! lol

Enemy of the Republic said...

Are you busy researching the next 5 turkeys?

leelee said...

I'm here....if you'll have me..

I loved this post..I never knew presidential trivia could be so much fun...and educational too.

Now about Marriage and sex...I see no reason to be married without the free and frequent sex....why for heavens sake would you be married if it weren't for that??

Have I said too much? and too late too boot?

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - You too? Okay, that's it. I'm returning the tuxedo, and sticking with my tried and true "Pay Per View" approach.

Post-wise, I'll see what I can do. Gee, has it been a whole week already? And here I am, just having hiked 14-miles up and down a mountain (I thought you would get a kick out of THAT, especially since it's true), and as such any new offering may be slightly wilted. So be kind.

***

Kate - Thank you. I do what I can. Because, to NOT make it interesting would be unAmerican. Then I would have to call Homeland Security on myself.

Soon thereafter someone of Middle Eastern* descent (* for some strange reason, the ONLY ethnic group "HS" hires from) would pull up in front of "Casa de Pug" with a warrant for a full body cavity search.

Not only would this be embarrassing, but it would also be ironic** (** but cruelly, and not in the "fun" Alanis Morissette car trip sense).

***

Enemy - Actually the next 5 should be easier to post, since they're better known and generally more interesting. Though I also have a couple of other post tangents that I can take just to maintain a little variety. Let me see which one appears slightly better than half-baked first ...

***

Leelee - Ah, so I see. The Prodigal Blonde in the shiny new red sportscar has returned.

Wait. Who am I kidding? I can't pretend to be mad at you! Welcome back!

And thanks for FINALLY providing an example of a marriage that has its priorities in order. Sure, it's not as glamorous and titillating as textbook fornication. But it's free and saves on gas money. This helps the environment and also keeps the freakiness in the home where it most likely belongs in the first place.

leelee said...

amen to that!!

PUG..How COULD you ever be mad at me..I've been with you since the beginning..remember my dirndl? ja ja mein puggles oooom PAH

Pink said...

Pugsy,

Do you mean to tell me you are a mountain puppy?

A woof after my own heart.

*sigh*

come on wilty...post away.

kate said...

I sorta thought you would be all up for a full body search Pug... if you had the right officer searching! Arent all dawgs up for that?

As for being unamerican, I did a bit of research (noted below)... seems that all American started in China! lol

http://www.faqs.org/faqs/dogs-faq/breeds/pugs/


"Breed History

The origin of the Pug as a breed probably begins in ancient China,although it certainly didn't look the same as today's dogs. Dogs known as "short mouthed" dogs are described in writings that date to about 600 B.C. and were probably the forerunners of the modern breed that we call the Pug."

... and I am not sure that that "short mouth" bit carried through in your genes... the cute furry bit maybe, but idk about the short mouth!! *wink

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - We'll ALWAYS have the dirdl. But I think for our 2nd Anniversary together we should add a vowel to that word just to make it look more "Amerikan".

***

Pinks - I sure am; ever since Julie Andrews commanded me to climb every one. I'm still awaiting further instructions from her ... perhaps even a cancellation of that first imperative.

My schedule's been tough lately, and is due to get worse with the new project(s) I'm due to take on. So posting may be a challenge ... but you can always look forward(?) to my Pugnacious comments.

***

Kate - Good point. Do you happen to own a security outfit? I KNOW you have the handcuffs, at least. Book 'em, Dano!

And hey! Just because the Pug is of Chinese descent, doesn't mean he's unAmerican. It just means me love you long time. And what more can a woman ask for of her Chinese Take-Out? Plus with me, you always get complimentary "Spring Roll".

leelee said...

Puggles...our 2nd anniversary...you remembered!! I've got your lederhosen laid out..I'll don my dirndl (sans vowel)..let us dance the night away!!

Pink said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pink said...

Pugliciousness,

whats with the poor excuse.

you don't actually expect me to excuse you because you do your blogging at work and now your job has gotten busy?

Course then you might get blogs posts about sandwiches like I've done. But thats the sacrifice you have to make.

Wanna climb Kilamanjaro with me?

Come on puppy!
xx
pinks

PS - ok...as long as you keep leaving Pug droppings over at mine ;)
xxx

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Well actually it won't be our 2nd until next summer. But I look forward to any opportunity to see you in a dirdl.

***

Pinks - It's a deal. Fortunately I don't blog at work, so I have to find the time with this new schedule of mine. I even have post topics ready to go, and it's just a matter of putting them on "cyberpaper" along with choosing the images to go with them. Even visiting my buddies' blogs can be a challenge. I'll find my groove, I hope.

Oh, and If I climb Kilamanjaro with you, they may have to change it to "KilledaPugjaro". Do you have any softer, more accomodating peaks to tackle?

she said...

polked and pierced! you'refunnier than fillard millmore, and, according to /t, far more dashing than buchanan, but without the hair gel. old whitey? i thought that was the name of the "teensy weensy" deal breaker with the mexican wimmen.

Pink said...

Yes, Pugsy!

I have two in particular in mind.
xx
pinks

limpy99 said...

When's the next post? I really need a Grover Cleveland fix!

/t. said...

hahah a ha haha ha ahaha haha hhah ahah ah ha a aha h a ha hah ahh ah ha hah ah ah h a hah ha hhah a aha ah ah ah ahah a ahahah aha ha ahaha aha aha ahah hah ahah ah ah ah ahah ah aha ahahah ha ha!

to limpy99

/t.

Scary Monster said...

Hey puggles,. Are ya actually go through the entire list of presidents or just milk this post like a like an old man tryin to squeeze the last bit of Polident out of the tube?

Stomp.

puerileuwaite said...

She - Actually, "We Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852." WAS a real campaign slogan for Pierce. I didn't make that part up! And thank God Millard Fillmore set the bar low so as to make me look good. Finally the key to it not becoming a deal-breaker is to wrap it in a flour tortilla first.

***

Pinks - Well in that case I'd better bring oxygen, rappelling gear, and plan on locating a natural source of hydration once I'm at the summit.

***

Limpy - Well then you are in luck. First prize would only be ONE term of Grover Cleveland. But fortunately you won second prize, which is TWO terms.

***

Scary - That ain't Polident, nor is it a "tube" that I'm busy squeezin', my green friend.