Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Presidential Trivia - I thru X

Hi Everybody,

I have a backlog of promised posts to get out, but - despite my increased fiber intake - have been finding it difficult to deliver any polished gems just yet. However, I am acutely aware that I need to post something new for you bloodthirsty savages. Fortunately, inspiration has struck. As an avid fan of history shows, I've become aware of a particular topic that - in my humble opinion - hasn't been sufficiently addressed: Presidential Trivia. So without further ado, I would like to present little tidbits about U.S. Presidents that you probably weren't aware of. Enemy, feel free to print out this post in your classroom for the delight of your students.


1) George Washington - Of course, everyone knows that he had wooden teeth. But did you know that he turned down the opportunity to appear in advertising for this new-fangled innovation under the tagline, "Got Wood"?


2) John Adams - Perhaps our creepiest President, it's rumored that he and wife Abigal served as inspiration for "The Addams Family" sitcom. In fact, he had a severed hand that he kept in an ornate box, and would pass it around at dinner parties.


3) Thomas Jefferson - In recent times it's been revealed through DNA testing that he fathered offspring with Sally Hemmings, one of his slaves. But did you know that one of those children looked amazingly like Lenny Kravitz, and was equally talented on the Lute (a precursor to the modern day guitar)?


4) James Madison - A short man, he suffered from feelings of inadequacy. And as such, he would "overcompensate" at parties with his drunken, obnoxious behavior. He was notorious for groping women inappropriately while exclaiming, "Hello, Dolly"! He is also the first famous person known to wear platform shoes.


5) James Monroe - Sure he was renowned for his "Monroe Doctrine", but were you aware that he inspired the "Monroe" character in the sitcom, "Too Close For Comfort"?


6) John Quincy Adams - The first dumbass son of a mediocre former President, he helped paved the way for a future dumbass son of a former mediocre President. When my time machine is FINALLY complete, zapping his dad with my "Sterilization Ray" (which is the 2nd deliverable - along with the time machine, of course - due from PugWorks Labs after the first round of pre-IPO funding) will be the second "covert op" after "Mission: HW".


7) Andrew Jackson - Famously known as "Ol' Hickory", what most people don't know is that folks avoided his barbeques like the plague. The man would NEVER use mesquite, even though he was provided with cords of it. Every damned food item tasted like hickory; even the potato salad, for some odd reason. It was way too cliche, even for one of our lesser Presidents.


8) Martin Van Buren - An incompetent President, Martin had prodigious music talent. In fact, he and his brother formed an eponymously named quartet that developed an enormous cult following, but eventually became middle-of-the-pack due to a revolving door of increasingly mediocre vocalists.


9) William Henry Harrison - Just like the Martians in "War of the Worlds", Harrison was defeated by the common cold. So his similar plan of enslaving mankind and decimating the planet would fortunately be shelved until 2000.


10) John Tyler - DNA testing has only recently revealed that he is actually the father of Liv Tyler, and not the singer from Aerosmith. Turns out that Liv's mom gained access to one of my early time machine prototypes and ... well, I'm sure you can guess the rest.

Stay tuned next time for XI thru XX!

.

42 comments:

/t. said...

good
one, pug

but would you
have any further ado?

just wondering

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

/t., unfortunately I adon't. Sorry.

Serena Joy said...

Dang, the stuff you learn from reading blogs. I can see now that my educational funds were totally wasted.:-)

puerileuwaite said...

Serena, now all we have to do is convince government that they can divert educational funding elsewhere. It may be a tough sell, but if we can portray our blogs as "little schoolhouses on the techno-prairie", we may have a shot.

Serena Joy said...

We could run it up the flagpole and see who salutes. God forbid it should be GWB standing under it, though. We could also throw a telethon to raise awareness. GWB could host the "This is your brain on..." segment. I could wear my Little Schoolhouse dress.

/t. said...

'tis ashame

but pugly one,
something else...

have been doing some calculations based on the number of "part 1" posts on this blog, and your rate of new postings... and am showing a 92.4% chance of our sun going extinct before you ever finish up

come clean now -- isn't it true that all of these 'part 1' posts are really just a clever marketing scam designed to gain you a readership of hangers on that would otherwise be impossible for you to attain by honest means?

/t.

Pink said...

Yay - a new post!

Yipppeeee
Yahoo!

Pink said...

and may I say...you are definately a tease.

the last three posts all promise sequels!

the rabble are rousing for a riot if we don't get our sequels on soon.

;-)

xx
pinks

Pink said...

As for the trivia...well...all I can say is that it explains alot!
xx

GirlGoyle said...

Hummm good thing you went back in time for the Trivial cuz there sure isn't much left to "discover" of presidents 40 up until today.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh, this is rich. I love this--rating the presidents. We have had more dumbfucks in office than good ones, although Bush reigns supreme. I can't wait until you get to Chester Arthur and Warren Harding!

/t. said...

and
while we
are on this
subject of presidents

how do you respond to rumours the pug was the third gunman (and may also have had something to do with the disappearances of white house friends amelia earhart and jimmy hoffa)

/t.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Those are some really unattractive men with equally unattractive haircuts.

Little Lamb said...

This stuff seems up to date and very educational. I learn a lot when I come here.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - I'm all for running the dress up the flagpole.

***

/t. - Okay, I'll fess up: I'm saving all of the stockpiled "Part II's" for release upon my death. It's part of my "From hell I stab at thee" grand exit plan.

But your "clever" and "honest" accusations will never hold up in court. Not even in Canada.

***

Pinks - It's part of my new "Leave 'em wanting more" strategy. Which, though apparently similar, is indeed a radical departure from my previous "Leave 'em wanting" strategy.

***

Girlgoyle - I think you'll be surprised. I dug deep in order to find some juicy nuggets that even yours truly didn't know were there.

For instance, everyone knows about Bill, Monica, and the infamous cigars. But were you aware of their chewing tobacco escapades and resulting matching rashes? Didn't think so.

***

Enemy - I CAN wait, since I have to do the friggin' research. But by the time I'm done, you should have enough stapled-up trivia to encircle your classroom, to be revered just like the "Stations of the Cross" in any respectable Catholic Church!

***

/t. - I was hoping those rumors would disappear along with the subject matter. But alas, now I am forced to address them in Part-I of my "Pug Conspiracies" series (Coming soon to this blog!). The truth IS out there. Way out there.

***

Mighty D - That's because the better looking ones with decent haircuts are always targeted for assassination. Reagan, Carter, Ford, JFK, McKinley, Garfield and - especially Lincoln: all were chick magnets.

In fact, John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln because "The Great Emancipator" emancipated Booth's girl the previous weekend in the same damned balcony. His hat wasn't the only "stove pipe" that the ladies were interested in. He ACTUALLY said: "Four SCORES and seven years ago ...".

***

Lamby - If I accomplish nothing else with this blog than to have it serve as your one-stop shop of knowledge, I will die a happy Pug.

tfg said...

I feel smarter after reading this post. Goddammnit.

Pink said...

Pugsy...a departure from the leave them wanting theme is good...and it might actually help you post part 2 of your dating mojo.

But you have to go on a date for that.

oh. now I understand why there's been no part 2.

Sad.

I'm sure we could take up a collection for you ;-)

Then there'd be part 3,4,5,6...you get the picture.
xx

Enemy of the Republic said...

I'll save you some time: Grover Cleveland had an illegitimate child and admitted it while running. He still got elected. But Bush wacks off and gets impeached. What is the problem here?

Scary Monster said...

See and me thought AJ was named 'ol Hickory cuz of his inability to keep he hand offa the wood. This being the reason why ya only hafta pay a sawbuck fer a hand job...

STOMP

puerileuwaite said...

TFG - Dude, I am SO sorry. Can I make amends by posting a rare never-televised Jessica Simpson appearance on "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader?" ?

***

Pinksie - Fortunately the type of women that I'm attracted to (and vice-versa) aren't that expensive.

***

Enemy - The biggest disappointment was President Grover's last name. The problem? It's our failure to adopt the "American Idol" model for electing our Presidents.

Think about it: they would have to sing. They would have to tolerate Simon and Ryan, and fight the urge to sleep with Paula. More people would vote on one night's show than for the typical election. And ANYONE, including William Hung, would have a shot at the Oral, oops, OVAL Office.

The only thing I would change is that the 3rd runner-up (who is usually the BEST American Idol candidate ... not the "winner") would get the job.

Write your Congressperson.

***

Scary - Damn you for coming up with a better piece of "trivia" on Ol' Hickory! Just promise that you'll leave Presidents XI thru W to me. Especially Ol' Rough And Ready.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Sorry, I meant Bill wacked off and gets impeached. Bush kills hundreds of thousands and probably wacks off too. I read somewhere that Mrs. Bush refered to herself as a desperate housewife.

Corn Dog said...

I met President Carter once at the Diplomat hotel in Florida. I was click clacking through the lobby in my bikini and flip flops when a group of men tried to force themselves upon me. I gave them the whirling dirvish treatment and spun myself right past the secret service and smacked into President Carter. Apparently he was coming through the lobby with his entourage. I greased him with Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil accidentally, then shook his hand. A brick wall of a guy in a blue suit and a thingee hanging out of his ear physically picked up all 105 pounds of me and removed me from President Carter's presence. Any time I see the ex Pres on TV I always fondly think, "I greased him. I wonder if it was as good for him as it was for me."

Pink said...

ha

Pink said...

I'm jamming up your comments box
so that you will feel well and duly loved

Pink said...

and once you have felt well and duly loved...perhaps you'll move on to posting some of your sequels

(the crowd grows restless)
xx
pinkx

Pink said...

corn dog has a great story there. I did the same to clinton.

but it wasn't in public.
xx

Crashtest Comic said...

Did you know President Lincoln woke up after a three day drunk and yelled...

"I FREED WHO???!!!"

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Just think how better off the two couples would have been if Hillary married W, and Laura married Bill. Well, at least America might've been better off.

***

Corn Dog - So it was YOU who triggered the "lust in his heart"! You hussy! Thanks a lot. He could've been an effective President if not for your chance encounter.

***

Pinksie - Love is a jammed up box? Who knew? I always heard it was a battlefield.

Clinton? Say it ain't so! Well at least you were greasier than he was.

Pink said...

Battlefield no...i'm trying to hold the olive branch after threatening to do evil and illegal things to a certain pug...course...an olive branch could be just my way of luring you into my evil lair.

greasier than clinton? now that is impossible!
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Crashtest - A classic, my friend. Thanks, I needed that. Maybe he was misunderstood. After his second sixer, he probably said, "Be right back. I have to go "free the slave.", and some intern took it literally.

puerileuwaite said...

Pinksie - Well just in case, I'll make sure my armies are ready for deployment.

;-)

(Be back later ...)

Pink said...

Are you back yet?

puerileuwaite said...

No, actually I'm still out. I'll let you know when I return.

Pink said...

how 'bout now?

puerileuwaite said...

Yes. But now it's time for breakfast.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Crash has been funny as hell. Let's go see him live, Pug!

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Even by my standards, I worry that I'll be disgusted and scarred by the way he lives.

Unless you mean that we should go see one of his shows. But then I'm not sure if I want to see him die, either.

Let me see if I can retool my philosophy of life in order to reconcile Crash's place in it. If I can.

leelee said...

Brillian post PW...I've missed you AND your loyal commenters...

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Thank you, my dear friend. You have been missed. I hope you and the family are doing well.

kate said...

like taking a history class! Sorry you are so backed up... perhaps a bit of lanolin? *cough*

#1 wood make a great milk ad! I am on that...

#2 turns out I will have a bit of that hand passing thing in my next blog too! We are so on the same wavelength it makes me shiver Pug !lol

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - I know. I need to work on my follow through. It's the same thing my golf instructor said when I was in bed with her.

#1: I woke up with wood this morning thinking that same thought.

#2: It's like we're one person ... just like in "Ghost"!

kate said...

OMG... #1 YUCKY MENTAL IMAGE
#2 YOU ARE A TRUE ROMANTIC! LOL