I have a backlog of promised posts to get out, but - despite my increased fiber intake - have been finding it difficult to deliver any polished gems just yet. However, I am acutely aware that I need to post something new for you bloodthirsty savages. Fortunately, inspiration has struck. As an avid fan of history shows, I've become aware of a particular topic that - in my humble opinion - hasn't been sufficiently addressed: Presidential Trivia. So without further ado, I would like to present little tidbits about U.S. Presidents that you probably weren't aware of. Enemy, feel free to print out this post in your classroom for the delight of your students.
1) George Washington - Of course, everyone knows that he had wooden teeth. But did you know that he turned down the opportunity to appear in advertising for this new-fangled innovation under the tagline, "Got Wood"?
2) John Adams - Perhaps our creepiest President, it's rumored that he and wife Abigal served as inspiration for "The Addams Family" sitcom. In fact, he had a severed hand that he kept in an ornate box, and would pass it around at dinner parties.
3) Thomas Jefferson - In recent times it's been revealed through DNA testing that he fathered offspring with Sally Hemmings, one of his slaves. But did you know that one of those children looked amazingly like Lenny Kravitz, and was equally talented on the Lute (a precursor to the modern day guitar)?
4) James Madison - A short man, he suffered from feelings of inadequacy. And as such, he would "overcompensate" at parties with his drunken, obnoxious behavior. He was notorious for groping women inappropriately while exclaiming, "Hello, Dolly"! He is also the first famous person known to wear platform shoes.
5) James Monroe - Sure he was renowned for his "Monroe Doctrine", but were you aware that he inspired the "Monroe" character in the sitcom, "Too Close For Comfort"?
6) John Quincy Adams - The first dumbass son of a mediocre former President, he helped paved the way for a future dumbass son of a former mediocre President. When my time machine is FINALLY complete, zapping his dad with my "Sterilization Ray" (which is the 2nd deliverable - along with the time machine, of course - due from PugWorks Labs after the first round of pre-IPO funding) will be the second "covert op" after "Mission: HW".
7) Andrew Jackson - Famously known as "Ol' Hickory", what most people don't know is that folks avoided his barbeques like the plague. The man would NEVER use mesquite, even though he was provided with cords of it. Every damned food item tasted like hickory; even the potato salad, for some odd reason. It was way too cliche, even for one of our lesser Presidents.
8) Martin Van Buren - An incompetent President, Martin had prodigious music talent. In fact, he and his brother formed an eponymously named quartet that developed an enormous cult following, but eventually became middle-of-the-pack due to a revolving door of increasingly mediocre vocalists.
9) William Henry Harrison - Just like the Martians in "War of the Worlds", Harrison was defeated by the common cold. So his similar plan of enslaving mankind and decimating the planet would fortunately be shelved until 2000.
10) John Tyler - DNA testing has only recently revealed that he is actually the father of Liv Tyler, and not the singer from Aerosmith. Turns out that Liv's mom gained access to one of my early time machine prototypes and ... well, I'm sure you can guess the rest.
Stay tuned next time for XI thru XX!
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