Sunday, August 12, 2007

An Interview with the Cruel Virgin - Question #1

Hi everybody,

At last, the "good news" is I'm FINALLY getting to the interview questions that Enemy of the Republic (a.k.a. - Cruel Virgin) specially prepared for Yours Truly. The "bad news" is that I'm having SO MUCH fun with them, I've decided to turn it into a series of posts.

What's that? Heckling and derision? You say you've had it up to here with multi-post concepts that I never seem to finish? Well, even though I don't know where you got that idea (and plan to explain why, in - you guessed it - a series of future posts), I shall prove you wrong with the following challenge: I plan to post each new question (along with my response) every 2-days until all 5-questions have been answered.

That's an astounding 5-posts within the next 10-days, people! If that doesn't put the wind back in your shorts, nothing will.

So here goes, with Question #1


***

1. Given your fascination with our past presidents, which one would you like to see come back to life in order to save America? Why?

"More than four score and seven years ago, I opened my first can of whoop-ass. I have a new can to open."

Much as I tried to think of a "sexier" choice, there were none. So I'll go with my first impulse and only viable candidate: Abe Lincoln. I picture him in his "chic retro" black suit that was usually one size too small, wearing his trademark stove pipe hat* (* which he would place in his lap during plays, and fill with popcorn in his "folksy" spin on the classic "penis through the hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket gag").



But MY present-day version of Honest Abe would pay homage to Sheriff Buford Pusser from the 70's classic, "Walking Tall". And just like Joe Don Baker's character, Abe would carry a Louisville Slugger that he would use to beat the crap out of bad guys. He would drive a black 1973 Lincoln* (* of course) Continental, and place a penny over each swollen eyelid of his whoop-ass recipients as his calling card.



A few vignettes in particular would set the tone for Abe's reemergence as a modern-day superhero.

In the first one, a cell of Al Qaeda numbnuts manage to slip through airport security* (* since the current Administration is responsible for hiring and training those folks) once again. Confident their plan is on target, they stroll toward their gate.

But whoa! Who is that angry looking mo-fo with the bat long-striding toward them from the opposite direction? Why, its none other than Honest Abe! And it looks like he wants to play back-to-back double-headers. All signs indicate the terrorists are the ones who have been thrown the curve.



In a sardonic reenactment of The Babe's "Called Shot", Abe points to each location where each head will land. Look out! Even folks in the cheap seats of Concourse-A are destined to catch a bloody souvenier.



Abe takes care of business, but doesn't get on the plane. For he knows his job isn't finished, and has been advised that the flight will have visual entertainment he would have to sit through (and he won't fall for that ploy again; not after that Ford's Theatre headache).

"Thus ever to tyrants who bastardize the classic popcorn bucket in the lap gag!"

In another scenario, Abe decides that stock market manipulators have to be taught a valuable, if not life-threatening, lesson. So he decides to pay Wall Street a little "visit".



As he descends on the trading floor, he strikes lethal blows on anyone "selling short", and at one point actually shoves the bat up the "margin" of the first Rolex-wearing S.O.B. that he sees. He then extricates that bat from it's "weighted donut" and wipes off the blood and excrement on the human popsickle's Brooks Brothers suit.

Normally a hornet's nest of activity, the room becomes eerily quiet. Abe speaks up, with piercing eyes reinforcing his point. "If I catch ANY of you f*ckers attempting to move any share of stock that hasn't been held by the owner for at least two years, I'll be back to liquidate YOUR assets, assh*les."

Abe then heads for his Stealth bomber. He has to take a certain insolent little DICKtator (who needs a second "L" added to his last name) in North Korea to the woodshed.




I hope you found this as "emancipating" as I have. I am set free from Question #1. It now belongs to the ages. Four more and ten days to go.

"Daddy, tell me again how you opened up a can of whoop-ass. Oh, and can you take me to go see "Cats"?"

.

21 comments:

/t. said...

Kim Jong-Il
for president

/t.

Scary Monster said...

Me can understand why you want old Abe to come back and straighten out the world, but afer your post about old hickory, don't you think the stovepipe hard-on covering prognosticator comes in second place?

leelee said...

this is wonderful, it's gold Jerry, gold..I await with bated breath the next installment...kim jong iLL I LLove it!!

Little Lamb said...

Lo and Behold, a new post!

So you have trouble knowing what to bog, too.

Serena Joy said...

This has nothing to do with virgins but, okay, what the heck, it's a new post. Kim Jong IS ill and Honest Abe could probably whup his butt even if he is dead lo these many years. Anyway...

Dyck!! said...

You may be right about Abe...but I sure as hell wouldn't want to sit next to him in a balcony.

Corn Dog said...

I love Buford Pussor, after all I am from Tennessee. I have a little bat in my house in honor of him. I call it "the bateenie."

Pud said...

This series of posts is going to be fun!

Pink said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Good plan. And we can refer to him as "Il Presidente", just like the numbnut in Cuba.

**

Scary - You have a point. But I reckon the "Git R Done" edge goes to the Abenator. YOU try winning the Civil War while dealing with the craziest First Lady of all time.

***

Leelee - I wanted to go with " Illin' ", but it seemed a bit "over the top".

***

Lamby - I have post topics coming out the proverbial ying-yang. It's the time and energy to post them, that I have trouble doing.

***

Serena - Posts involving virginity are starting to prove as rare as the subject matter itself, I'm afraid.

BTW, is it just me, or does Kim Jong-Il look suspiciously like a Korean Elvis wannabe?

***

Mighty D - Except for that one unfortunate incident, usually the Lincolns were great balcony companions. People would throw beads, and Mary Todd Lincoln would flash her ta-ta's with "mailce toward none".

***

Corn Dog - Thank you for being the first commenter to admit their admiration for Sheriff Pusser.

Even though "Deliverance" didn't phase me (after all, they still got to go canoeing through some beautiful backcountry, which when you think about it, sort of sounds like a euphemism for sodomy), Walking Tall was the first film to cause concern that the South (Tennessee is close enough to qualify) might just have a seamy underside.

***

Pud - Sure, it's ALL fun, until someone loses an eye. Or in my case, a little shut-eye. And crap, I have to post Question #2 tonight. D'oh!

limpy99 said...

Ah, one of my favorite questions to ask springs to mind: "And other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

Serena Joy said...

LOL. In some lighting, Kim Jong-Il looks more like Elvis than Elvis did.

Corn Dog said...

OH SJ! That is too too hilarious...and sadly true.

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - Twisted as I am, you KNOW that line is one of my favorites. Though in reality, I doubt if Mary Todd Lincoln ever enjoyed anything. I'm pretty sure it was one of those "oh shit, what have I gone and done" marriages.

***

Serena - And you know what? I went back to look at Kimmy's picture a bit closer, and realized THAT is EXACTLY how Elvis would've looked today. It makes me wonder if his O.D. on the can was actually a suicide.

***

Corn Dog - Ahem. Actually, YOURS TRULY first made the Elvis observation. But hey, do I get ANY credit? Nooooooooooooo ...

Serena Joy said...

How do we KNOW that Mr. Dicktator Il didn't end up on the N. Korean throne direct from Memphis, Tennessee? Does anyone know if he sings in the shower?

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Good point. So I would like for you to go there on a covert op and find out.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I have been emancipated.

LOL at /t.

limpy99 said...

"I'm pretty sure it was one of those "oh shit, what have I gone and done" marriages."

As opposed to all of the other ones?

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - If only I had a dollar for every woman who said that to me.

***

Limpy - Sure. You know the ones, where the woman is FILTHY $TINKIN' RICH.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Abe Lincoln kicks ass. The rest are a waste. But I do miss Grover Cleveland's illegitamate child.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Not only that, but Abe lived in Kentucky at one point. Which should mean something, but it doesn't.

:-)