Wednesday, August 15, 2007

An Interview with the Cruel Virgin - Question #2

Hi everybody,

Here is the next question in my 5-post interview with the Cruel Virgin (a.k.a. - Enemy of the Republic). (Holy crap! I can't believe I actually managed 2-posts within 2+ days. This series will be the death of me yet.)

***

2. What is the most endearing feature about women? What is the most annoying?

Their most endearing feature is that every woman is a self-contained amusement park. And while, like their human counterparts, every female is unique* in some way (* not entirely unlike snow flakes, and equally capable of forming into ice ... but alas, that is a concept for another post), I do believe they all have this trait in common.



Sure, with some gals, the majority of the rides have been in a state of disrepair for quite some time. Maybe some of them never quite gave the thrill that the designer intended. But there they sit nonetheless, safely contained within those fading yellow safety lines painted onto the blacktop.

But before I get to some of the rides, let's cover a few of the other areas within the park.

We of course start out with the ticket office at the entrance. With most women, the steep price of emission, er, admission is a series of conversations that express and reinforce the concept of a more than passing interest in the female. Often a coupon is provided in the form of a meal over which some witty* (* optional) banter is exchanged. Upon admission, the male's hand is stamped in difficult to remove ink. Sometimes the ink is actually ultraviolent, er, ultraviolet in composition, and the male naively forgets that it is even there. But other amusement parks have the same UV light apparati, so employees of one know that you've been frequenting the competition.

Once inside the park, you will typically spot the administrative offices. Over there to your immediate left is the Nurses' station, which - though often taken for granted - will prove handy for the occasional boo-boo, associated swelling, and foreplay.

Next is the Security Office / Lost and Found. Chances are you will wind up there at some point; if you violate some rule (of which you were probably unaware) while on one of the rides, for instance. Or else you may become disoriented and lost, and may need to be re-educated on the layout.

Finally we have we have the combination Season Pass / Film Hut. Season Passes are available, but bear in mind that they ARE non-refundable and subject to cancellation if the usage policy is not closely adhered to. And while film and disposable cameras are available for purchase, both still and motion pictures can only be taken within the park subject to discretion of the management. This is primarily for marketing reasons, as way too many amateur photographs tend to wind up on the Internet. And the resulting often very unflattering images have been known to discourage visits from new patrons.



As we make our way into the park, we start to encounter various booths hawking cheesy souveniers. But as we are intoxicated with the promise of new experiences further inside, every "tchotchkie" has the potential for fleeting amusement. But remember: "caveat emptor". Today's cute "tchotchkie" is tomorrow's tasteless impulse purchase. So think twice before you buy that "invisible dog on a leash", or a hat that makes you look like a bigger* dork (* if even possible).

A few steps away are the cotton candy and junk food booths. These kiosks of decadence are the "perfume" that brings the sense of taste (or lack thereof) into the experience. Overindulge, and you will deal with the consequences the next morning.

We are almost at the rides, but have to walk past some of the booths that are also vying for your attention. Look to your right, and you'll see the one with all of the Pam-sprayed plates that you can vainly try landing quarters on for a prize. But in a twist on this perennial favorite, if you fail, you have to wash each plate and put it back in the cupboard. So you may want to avoid this attraction.

The next booth features a new spin on the classic "guess your weight" dealie. In this game, you have to guess the woman's weight. In order to win, you have to accurately predict - within 3-pounds - NOT WHAT YOU THINK SHE ACTUALLY WEIGHS - but rather, what the woman "envisions" as her ideal number. Easy, you say? All you have to do is guess extremely low? Not so fast, Amazing Carnac. Guess too low (more than 3-pounds negative), and she will KNOW you are a lying sack of shit. And that you think she's fat. This will certainly result in a visit to the Security Office that was mentioned earlier in the tour, and a possible suspension of your Season Pass.

Another ubiquitous park feature is the "You Know What You Did" booth. You only get three guesses, and there are no prizes even if you get it right on the first try (which, since the game is rigged, is impossible). So move on to the rides as soon as the booth employee becomes distracted.

Finally, we have arrived at the rides. All of the usual park staples are here: the vomit-inducing Jilt-O-Whirl, the Relationship Roller Coaster, and - a personal favorite - the Bumpin' Ugly Cars. And if you're into that sort of thing, there's a ride or two that involves swinging.

I recommend steering clear of rides that go in slow, tedious circles, such as the "Marry-Go-Round". Also avoid the Haunted House of Female Psychosis and the Hall of Ex-Boyfriends* (because it has mirrors that distort "Mr. Happy", making him look even smaller and shrivelled than he actually is).

Finally, the Tunnel of Love is intriguing, and on occasion you may be fortunate enough to get the V.I.P. pass that bypasses the velvet rope and affords access through the non-public access portal in the rear. But, alas, it is usually in the "Tomorrowland" section of the park. And THAT, my dear Enemy, is the most annoying feature.

Well that's it for Question #2. I hope you enjoyed your visit, and kept your attention inside the post at all times.



.

42 comments:

leelee said...

You certainly know the ins and outs of the park...I'm convinced you are a frequent repeat visitor.

/t. said...

no mention of
the hot dog stand?!?

/t.

Pink said...

I think Pugsy means for us to figure he IS the 'hot' dog.

ay me.

and whats this, pugsy, about being on the lam?

Get off her! She's sweet and innocent!
xx
pinks

kate said...

lol... MR. HAPPY eh?

I never quite thought of it in this way. No wonder my spouse was all for buying the season passes to ALL the Orlando theme parks! Alterior motives!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't been visiting. I shall return. My computer died, so I blog when I should be doing work, but work severely cuts into blogging.

Serena Joy said...

Women as amusement parks. Hmmmm. I guess I can see that, as long as there are equal opportunity amusement parks for the ladies, with hot dogs and pickles and stuff.:)

Dyck!! said...

I visited that park once. A bird shat on my face while I was on the roller coaster.

Little Lamb said...

Ok, I see how it is. Women are like amusement parks. :-)

CruiserMel said...

This is brilliant work. Funny, too.

But being a female amusement park myself, I suppose I should feel insulted.




Nah.

Corn Dog said...

Excellent! I couldn't stop laughing. More, please.

Pud said...

Women are like amusement parks ~ AWESOME!

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - And yet, every year, I tell myself that I need to try someplace new. Perhaps stretch my tastes a bit, as amusement parks are to some extent a one-dimensional, American pasttime. But I never seem to actually get around to booking that trip to Greece that I always talk about.

***

/t. - I couldn't find one, so I asked at the information desk. The lady told me they only have them at the "other" park that represents ladies who used to be men. So I hit the taco stand instead.

***

Pinks - You are absolutely correct. In fact, "Be the hot dog ... be the hot dog ..." is one of my chants. And you're right about Lamby. She may be "chased", but she is also pure. So I must keep her in her protective snow globe, and target women who are a tad more decadent (do you know of any?).

***

Kate - Definitely. Guys like amusement parks for all the reasons I mentioned, and one that I didn't: the rides only last for 2-3 minutes. And for most of us macho types, that's all we require. Sure it's disappointing for a lot of the park employees, as it seems like so much work for so little, but that's the transient nature of the entertainment industry.

***

Enemy - You get back here when you can. Not to worry, because your interview has taken on a life of its own, and is now bigger than the both of us.

***

Serena - Don't get your hopes up for the male version. There are nothing but beer and pretzel stands, the booths are all based on sports trivia contests, and every ride but one is in a half-finished state of construction with parts scattered everywhere. The ONLY ride that is usable is a disappointing rip-off of Disney's "It's a Small World". Sorry.

***

Mighty D - That's always the danger of rides in the great outdoors, as exciting as they may be. Disney got it right with Space Mountain. It's in the dark, so no one can see the goofy expression on the rider's face, there's no birds, and the space every dude needs immediately after the ride is right there.

***

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - They are? News to me!

***

Cruisermel - You are one of the parks I'd like to visit, my little "Six Flags Over Texas". There's something special about the blazing, humid heat of the south and the resulting stickiness of the rides that adds the the experience.

***

Corn Dog - Thanks, but my brain is empty now. And I'm not even halfway through. Just like a real trip to any amusement park, I now feel used up and ashamed.

***

Pud - Thank you, my little "Coney Island" (because of the sand). Wait, I changed my mind. You are my little "Horny Island" (because of the HNTs).

Serena Joy said...

What needs to happen, then, is that a bunch of WOMEN get together and whip those male amusement parks into shape. It might be a bumpy ride, but we'll get our thrills and chills.:-)

CruiserMel said...

Aw Pugman, you big flirt.

limpy99 said...

What, no water park?

Scary Monster said...

Amazing analogy Mr. Pug. You could have taken this further by mentioning that every couple of weeks the park shuts down yer favorite ride and the employees become surly no matter what you spend at the other attractions.

STOMP.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - I cringe at the thought. ;-)

***

Cruisermel - If if weren't for this Pug face, you'd see me blushing right now.

***

Limpy - That's a whole other section of the park that I didn't get to. It's called "Ebbs and Flows", and it's only in operation for several days each month.

***

Scary - I was warned by their legal department not to mention that, as it might adversely affect business.

limpy99 said...

"Ebbs and Flows"? Isn't that the park where you walk in and the employees start screaming at you because now the ground is dirty and don't you understand how hard it is to keep this place clean and why do you take me for granted and I hate you and everything in the world and then break down into uncontrollable sobbing before swallowing an antire gallon of Rocky Road ice cream before looking up at you, smiling and saying "Yes, can I help you?" through a chocolate smeared mouth?

Because I've been there.

/t. said...

limp99
is scaring me

/t.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, my goodness, I didn't scare you, did I? :-)

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Sigh...
I would have to sign in as Anon if I said all the things I want to say here ;)
Very good Pug- creative, funny, and insightful.

If I'm an amusement park...I'm thinking I'd be described as a water park- but mostly because I think they are more fun ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey.
So was in the neighborhood and stopped by. You might remember me as buckled, but it's been so long I can't even remember how to log onto this "blog" thingy. And what ever happened to doggerelblogger, eh? Now it's censored, and I'd tell you why, but she'd kill me.
Anywho, nice seeing you. Keep it up. And by "it" you know what I mean.

Pink said...

well pugsy...I can think of a girl or two...

Pink said...

Serena and leelee come to mind...you know what they're like in a hottub. ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - Boy, did you EVER hit the nail on the proverbial head with that description. You have obviously spent some serious time in that section of the park. And, alas, just like the DMV, it's a part of life that cannot be avoided, and there is no one to escalate our complaints to. It' the hangover after the New Year's Eve party, I'm afraid.

***

/t. - This topic obviously struck a chord with Limpy. And commiserating loves company. Maybe between his blog and mine, we can form a de facto "Victims of Hetero Love" support group. Unless the reprisal becomes too severe.

***

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - It's always cause for consternation when a female wants me to change. Fortunately that only happens when/if I become ensnared in a relationship. So I'm very careful when I'm scurrying about through the woods in search of goods.

***

FM - Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Your version of the water park sounds kinky, so I'm speculating that a cold shower is not involved.

***

puerileuwaite said...

Buckled - It's good to hear from you, my man! And I don't mean that in the gay sense, although you DO have that rugged "backcountry" appeal.

I can only hope this foreshadows your return to blogging (or at least visiting) on a more frequent basis.

Tell doggerelblogger that I also miss her, and her snarky and brilliant posts, and that she should hire me as a copy writer (I'll even work for Canadian money, and have the cardboard roadside sign to prove it).

Plus if she ever wants to marry me, even if it's only for "Dual-Citizenship", and not because ( a la eHarmony) she "loves me for me", I will agree to a "(Great) White (North) Wedding".

Keep in touch, even if it's the "bad" kind.

***

Pinks - You are actually toward the top of my list, if only I wasn't so dedicated to this life of devout zenlike celibacy. Serena and Leelee would be up there as well, but I get so tired of waiting for them to "off" their spouses in a more sensational and expedient manner (Am I the ONLY one who watches American Justice, Forensic Files and Body of Evidence? Geez. ALLEGRO, people!).

Pink said...

toward?????!!!


TOWARD????????!!!!!!


"TOWARD" THE TOP????!!!!!

hmph!

I've seen some pretty good ways to off puppies too, you know!

:p

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Okay, you're ON top. Happy now? I know I am. ;-)

leelee said...

Spouses, Shmouses...in the hot tub we are all available...right? I mean thats what they told me at club med.

:-O

Serena Joy said...

I can't talk about what I know about hot tubs and woods because I DO watch Forensic Files, etc., and I know you're not supposed to leave any "footprints.":)

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Well since you floated that idea, who am I to not embrace it? But just so you know, the Pug refuses to wear swimwear in the hot tub, because it's too confining. And after all, isn't freedom part of the theme?

***

Serena - I like the way you think, lady. But do I have your word that you'll stop the killing and find another hobby once WE'RE an item? Most males neglect to ask this vital question of their redheads.

Serena Joy said...

Yes, I promise to take up macramé. Or sky-diving. I do have a soft spot for Pugs and the worst I ever do to them is make them get their shots.:)

Pink said...

Oh yes, Pugsy. I'm a girl who insists on being on top.
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - This concerns me. What sort of shots would I need after consumating our relationship?

***

Pinks - Well then, I'll have to get to the bottom of that obsession of yours.

Serena Joy said...

Distemper.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - In that case, I'll be right over after I shave. I'll be sure not to leave any foam, lest you put me down (this time in the literal sense).

Serena Joy said...

I find the foam rather stimulating.:)

Enemy of the Republic said...

I actually think I asked you a dumb question? What works for one won't work for the other. Besides, women are perfect anyway.

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - There's never a dumb question, just dumb posts. Like this one!

Actually I'll let you in on a little secret: my concept of comparing a woman to an amusement park was one of the first post ideas that I wanted to do, back when I started blogging over a year ago. So you kinda walked right into it. And I kinda had fun doing it.

:-)

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Oops, I almost missed one of my favorite redheads. You made me blush with your foam comment! But then I realized you could put me and my shaving kit to good use. ;-)