Sunday, September 02, 2007

An Interview with the Cruel Virgin - Question #4


Hi everybody,

Even though I've failed miserably in my mission to complete the interview within 10-days, as Sonny and Cher so capably sang, "The Beat Goes On" (Which, by the way, should be "Music-On-Hold" for Peep Shows). And so, humbly submitted for your desperate and insatiable thirst for momentary and fleeting enjoyment, I give you ... the fourth question.

***

4. What do you enjoy about blogging? What part drives you crazy?

Well it certainly isn't for the monetary gain. That's for damned sure. And I'm not even entirely confident it's for the approval of you, my motley group of readers. Because even Janet Jackson's horribly misshapen and hairy nipple wouldn't hold your attention for more than a halftime. So I suppose it's only fitting* (* not unlike her funky nipple ornament) that it's HER song, "What Have You Done For Me Lately?", which would serve nicely as YOUR collective Music-On-Hold.


However I was able to come up with a couple of things that I do enjoy about blogging. So here goes:

1) It's the one last refuge for this aspiring author and raconteur. Penthouse refuses to publish any more of my letters to their forum, and ditto for Popular Mechanics re: my endless narratives (with sketches) about building (and populating) my own secret basement torture vault. Even Readers Digest finds my ficticious "Humor in Uniform" and "Life in these United States" submissions "undigestible".

So here we are, on this last remaining island that even Papillon could grow accustomed to. And apparently as long as I manage to scam unwitting passersby into at least 5-hits a day, they'll keep me on their scuzzy drive.


Sure. It could have been radically different for me. Maybe I could have been "that guy". You know, the one who writes all of those instruction manuals in broken English. That's one heck of a gig. I wonder if the only time his boss yells at him, is when he inadvertantly writes instructions that are too coherent. Showing up drunk to work would actually better prepare one for that particular task.


Or perhaps it should be yours truly writing all those fortunes they place in those cookies. I sure as heck know I could do a better job of it. For instance, here is a fortune I just thought up: "People know you masturbate frequently, yet they cannot help but admire your bicep". See what I mean? Who wouldn't love to crack open a delicious treat, and have that nugget of insight waiting for them inside? Here's another: "People are drawn to you, not unlike flies and rodents to our kitchen". And I've got a million of them, so you'd never get the same fortune twice.


Then I would branch out into greeting cards. Instead of the tepid, "Lordy, lordy ... (then you open the card and inside it says) LOOK who's 40! (with a little mirror strip below the "40"), MY creations would be different. For example, here's one I just "noodled": "Happy 50th Birthday, Honey!" (then you open the card and inside it says) "At first is WAS the money. But my love for you is now SO deep, I no longer plot to kill you in your sleep!"

Okay, so my greeting cards need a little work. Maybe I'll need a creative partner (along with an illustrator), just like Lennon needed McCartney (Technically, I think McCartney needed Lennon, but I digress).


In the meantime, blogging represents the realization of a dream that is not all wet. And without our dreams, all we have left is reality.

2) Meeting "interesting" people, well, like YOU for instance. Let's face it, where else - other than in those free weekly metro-area "alternative lifestyle" newspapers - can we find that there are others just like us? Need proof? Go ahead and Google the most bizarre and digusting keywords, and chances are one of our blogs will be near the top of the FIRST results page (Lamby's blog, usually).


This is why I periodically pay homage to The Police's "Message in a Bottle" when seeking an appropriate metaphor to describe how - although still creepy and eccentric time-bombs - we are not ALONE. And so we scoop up those "hundred million" bottles washed upon our shores, place them into out mental shopping carts with the loose and wobbly casters, and trudge back through the sand to our spider-infested Tiki huts.


And it is there, after a brief repast and nap, that we use Piggy's purloined spectacles to read through each and every note contained within those vessels. Even the poorly spelled offerings in crayon (sorry for singling you out, Scary). The next morning, we are back on the beach with our shopping cart, as part of the ever-descending circle of life.

Every once in a while, we may find an unusual object amongst all of those non-returnables. Perhaps it is a volleyball with a bloody handprint on it (something from /t.) to keep us company in our increasingly unbalanced states of mind. Maybe it is something that initially appears to have little value, such as an ice skate (Pinks' blog), but then proves useful at cracking one's nut. You just never know.


We also quickly realize that warmth is an essential requirement for those cold evenings where the incessant pounding of the surf is the only companion at hand. Lacking fire, we take solace from the only source of heat that is readily available in sufficient quantity: the compost pile fermenting with new posts from other bloggers. Though not aesthetically pleasing, the acrid smell does become an acquired taste. And the steady emission of thermal comfort is a blessing on many a frigid* (* Sorry, I couldn't think of any of my female readers who might fall into this category, which is why I MUST make love to each of you, either single-file or in a casual, group setting) night.


To answer the second part, "What drives me crazy?", that's easy. That I cannot write FULL-TIME is what drives me crazy. Usually, I have to leave a lot of additional ideas out of my posts, take shortcuts, and make other concessions to time. Along with almost every other blogger out there (and boy, some of you are REALLY "out there") I would love to write for a living, if I could make a decent living from it. I would look forward to collaborating on a project to start with, and could use a good illustrator and industry veteran. Who couldn't? Meanwhile, I won't quit my day job.

Well there you have it. Sorry it took so long. Stay harmless, lucid, and maintain that grasp on reality (as best you can)!


.

65 comments:

Pink said...

"stay" harmless and lucid?

err.

too late.

Yay for Q4!
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Hey you! xxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo!

Pink said...

and...

ice skate - useless?

apparently you've never been to Canada.
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

No, I implied that the ice skate was EXTREMELY useful. Unlike Canada.

Okay, okay! I REALLY like Victoria and Vancouver Island! There. Happy now?

(I just wish I could relocate there, and know someone in the area. But that's just not my luck ... )

Pink said...

Puppy...happy now.

especially with all the kisses and hugs (or were you trying to spell something out with your cheerios but only the x's and o's were left?)

with a little patience you just might get lucky ;)
xx
pinks

Serena Joy said...

I only do it for #2, and to a certain degree, #1, because I know damn well I'm never going to develop the discipline to write full-time. I would like a couple of your greeting cards, just for the fun of seeing peoples' horrified reactions. Better than fortune cookies.:-)

/t. said...

as usual,
pug buddy,
you have undone --
ah, make that outdone --
yourself with this brilliant piece of prose -- i can almost see peter fonda and dennis hopper riding across the sunset -- nice work!

good to see "wilson" again :)

/t.

Little Lamb said...

I'll have to agree with you, with google I usually do come out on top.

Enemy of the Republic said...

gosh, I've forgotten all the questions I asked you. That picture of Janet Jackson--what do you men see in breasts anyway?

Mayden' s Voyage said...

I still think, after all these years (lol) you should write a story about the Bi-Polar bear...And did you know that someone took our name "Canoodle Noodle" (or was it the other way round?) and named a cookbook- with OUR Title???!!!
I was shocked!
These references go back to your early beginnings in the blog-o-sphere. I might should go back and re-read some of those early comments and posts.
Hugs pug :)

Scary Monster said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pud said...

So....she likes blogging...why?

Scary Monster said...

Whether it be number one or number two, it all adds up to goin someplace quiet and gettin it all out of yer system.

Me must admit that me would like to see more pictures of nipple enchancing jewelry on yer blog. That might get me to be more carefull with me grammer and shpelling.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - It's a deal, but I'll have to charge you full-price because I prefer quality over quantity in my sales.

***

/t. - Dennis and Peter will be in a future motorcycle extravanganza post, as soon as I can bring myself to watch Easy Rider (something I have never done, even though I'm a fan of the cheesy early 70's genre).

Re: Wilson, frquently I'd prefer his silent company to some of the obnoxious folks I encounter in my non-blog world. As a side note, I saw "Wilson" (the bloody face, not the brand) model volleyballs for sale at the mega-sporting goods store.

***

Lamby - I can picture that ;-)

Any good post HAS to mention the Lamby.

***

Enemy - It's human (and Pug) nature to want what you don't have. And unfortunately I'm too svelte for "man-boobs".

***

FM - You know, I was just thinking of the "Bi-Polar Bear" the other day. I need to add to the menagerie at some point.

A cookbook? That's more disturbing than the classic Twilight Zone episode. As soon as I find a reputable lawyer blog, let's pursue legal action.

Thanks for bringing back the fond memories! Hugs back at ya. ;-)

***

Pud - Why do YOU like blogging? It's strictly because of me, right? You can't hide from your feelings on the other side of the globe, because (like sand) I'm everywhere.

***

Scary - Exactly, my friend. And don't change a thing, being you is what makes you ... you.

And WHO wouldn't like to see more nipple-enhancing jewelry? I for one would like to see Martha Stewart donning a set of modified napkin rings.

Janet's ornament evokes fond memories of a young and innocent Pug witnessing chocolate ice cream being dispensed into his very first ice cream cone. Ever since, he associates jewelry encrusted breasts with Dairy Queen.

The Phosgene Kid said...

Well put. Virtual friends are better than no friends and they don't ask to borrow your pickup truck when they move.

That damned Popular Mechanics refuses to publish the plans I came up with for a backyard SCUD launcher. I feel your pain.

Pink said...

blog friends rule.

and pugsy - if you really want an illustrator...I know a couple.

ps...I have a puppy treat for you on my kitchen floor...come over and get it.
xx
pinks

Corn Dog said...

Oh my. That Janet Jackson thingee is ..well..I lost my train of thought.

cathy said...

well I am back but not a well puppy I'll read all 5 when I get better, promise.

puerileuwaite said...

Phosgene Kid - I knew a guy like that. He'd move every 6-months, and it'd always be during the coldest part of winter, the hottest days of summer, and it was never on the first floor.

As for Popular Mechanics, how many miniatures of fire trucks and backyard storage sheds does one need to build? You and I are part of the silent majority with our projects that PM never seems to address..

***

Pinks - Do you know any that specialize in nude charcoals? Because those are the types of illustrations that I need for my self-help and how-to writing projects. Wait. What am I saying? Of course you do ... ;-)

Be right over!

***

Corn Dog - To borrow from another one of Ms. Jackson's songs, it's "All For You".

***

Cathy - No pressure at all. I understand. I simply removed the link because you made your blog private. But it's ALWAYS good to hear from you. Get well soon, my friend.

GirlGoyle said...

We appreciate your insane blunders...consider us your cyber shrinks. Talk to mommie!

Pink said...

5:15 am?

why are you responding at 5:15 am??

you slipped in over at my place while I was sleeping...had I known...

xx
pinks

Kate said...

ummm is that REALLY what Janet had on? lol ick and ouch all at the same time! lol wouldnt want to bump into anyone from the side!

Oh and I LOVE you fortune cookie ideas!

Hey did you get a new pooch?

limpy99 said...

The reference to all of us borrowing Piggy's glasses reminded me of a friend of mine who taught high school English and used to sum up "Lord of the Flies" this way: "And then Piggy takes the rock"

I blame him for declining SAT scores.

CruiserMel said...

Well put, Pugman. It really can be a cold, cruel world out here. LOL

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle - How did you know I wanted to return to the womb? Okay, it all started when as a young pup, I encountered a woman's nipple that had a rusty nail protruding out of it. I wound up catching tittinus!

***

Pinks - I'm an early bird these days. And the key to knowing is to check for a wet spot.

***

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - Not only that, here's my Top-10 reasons why Janet's "Sun" nipple jewelry is a bad idea:

1) the whipped cream hides in the nooks and crannies and then hardens, making it difficult to remove without an ultrasonic device;

2) it gives kids an inaccurate reference model of the solar system;

3) people stare directly into it, resulting in permanent eye damage and possible blindness;

4) it detracts from the other, non-ornamented breast (similar to the outgoing twin getting all the attention at family gatherings);

5) premature garment wear in that area of the chest;

6) anyone carrying a powerful magnet is uncontrollably drawn to it;

7) it prevents the moon from becoming visible;

8) it's a cut hazard for dollar bill stuffing and other intimate activities;

9) the breast will tan unevenly;

10) 2-words: NO suction.

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - BTW, I DID get a new pooch! Look for him in a new post after the Interview is complete.

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - Let's dream together that he made it onto "Survivor: Easter Island", and they left him there. And let us rejoice that he is probably the only teacher who "phones it in".

***

CruiserMel - Not on my watch, babe. Not on my watch. If I have to dispassionately slaughter every single damned one of those bastards in order to restore compassion to the planet, then by-golly that's what I'll do.

Pink said...

you pugs really do have a drool problem.

early bird? you really are working too hard. you need to just sit down over here and let me rub your paws, puppy.
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Working too hard? You have no idea! No rest for the wicked, so they say ...

Pink said...

but you are a good dog, Pugsy.

Please rest.

Consider your puppy paws rubbed.

xxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooo!!!

The Phosgene Kid said...

Am I the only one that wishes Tom Hanks would have been left on the island and then the island was designated as a nuclear test site? He went down hill fast after Bachelor Party.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

"No Suction"-
LOL!!!
That was perhaps your best line yet :) LOL...I shuddered and laughed at the same time...
I tell you what Pug, that does not happen often ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Thanks. Better now. The weekend is here, so the involuntary treadmill is down to 1/4 speed.

***

PK - I enjoy his work, Forrest Gump and Cast Away in particular. And thanks for being someone other than yours truly, to admit they liked Bachelor Party.

***

FM - Making women shudder and laugh at the same time is what I DO! Sometimes it involves physical contact, sometimes not.

Pink said...

Pugsy, happier to hear that. what if it actually stopped for a day?
xx
pinks

Scary Monster said...

Hold up a sec. Me loves Bachelor Party too! Me loves it so much that me often chases the Vixen around the room with an egg beater.
STOMP.

Pink said...

:-o

Bad monster!

Pugsy you are corrupting the neighbors!
xx
pinks

Pink said...

Err...puppy!

Did you take yourself out for a walk again?
xx
pinks

Sassy Blondie said...

I'm still a bit off put by that picture of JJ's nipple...

k said...

I was NOT prepared for the first picture. I nearly had an orgasm at my desk.

No wait, that's not the right word. Um...nearly....oh yeah....vomited. That's it.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Love ya, Pug. I've been nutbag busy. Always thinking of ya!

puerileuwaite said...

Scary - Its good to hear from another BP fan. And if you're a "die-hard" like yours truly, then you probably also enjoy your salad "chunky-style", with the necessary raw, unpeeled potatoes mixed in.

And, yes, I too keep the egg beater handy, along with the spatula for "Stripes" viewings.

***

Pinks - I think it is Scary Monster that may be the bad influence here. He even inspires me to turn Japanese on occasion.

***

Sassy - So am I, sorry to admit. If I want metal in my treats, I'll join the rest of the trick-or-treat crowd and get it the old-fashioned way.

***

k - Welcome! It's always good to see a new commenter around these stagnant backwaters.

You didn't mention anything beyond Janet's bosom, so I hope it didn't serve as a "speedbump" to the thrilling rest of the post. And thank you for clearly identifying her picture as the source of the nausea.

***

Enemy - Wow. Seriously, thank you!

I've often pondered if you did spend any time wondering what I was doing "just then".

So what if I happened to be scratching "just below my back pocket", as I weighed the pros and cons of purchasing a Twix bar.

And so what if it was while noticing the lady in the tight skirt next to me dropping her quarter in the opposite direction and having to awkwardly bend over for it?

What I'm doing is irrelevant.

The fact that YOU selected ME as an integral element of that "far-away happy place" from all of the other possibilities (example: Tim McGraw naked on a beach in Bali), inspires me to rise above, and not voyeuristically take advantage of a young lady's misfortune. In fact, I pledge to keep a roll of quarters in my pocket at all times just in case she comes up short.

:-)

Mayden' s Voyage said...

100% woman...only part German-
and always time for a smooch for my Pug ;)

Thanks for stopping by~ hugs :)
xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox XO!
(jeesh- trying to better than Pinks!) lol ;)

Pink said...

Oh Pugsy,

I know you all too well. You need no inspiration to turn Japanese :)
xx
pinks

The Phosgene Kid said...

I like the goofy Tom Hanks better than the the serious Tom Hanks. I guess it is because when I watch him in movies like Saving Private Ryan, I keep waiting for him to do something whacky.

Pink said...

sniff sniff sniff
pant pant pant
whimper whimper
xx

/t. said...

pug,

wazzup?

/t.

Pink said...

sniff sniff?

The Phosgene Kid said...

Where u @ dawg???

Kate said...

omg loling about your top 10 list! no suction? Whatcha mean??? she has 2 to play with!

Fabulous about the pooch! I am thrilled for you and now understand why you havent posted... lack of sleep! hehehe

I am missing your Pugly mug and comments around town!! Come back soon.

Kate

she said...

wilsonnnnnnnnnnn! im sorry i was mean! float back to me, man. wilson...*whimper*

i too am attracted to red-faced white men with sargeant carter haircuts. grrherhahaha!

Pug and Cher: i humped your leg, (oom pah pah oooom pah pah) i humped your leg......they say im short and i cant reach, but babe i'll prove i still can make you screeeeech

got haddock?

Corn Dog said...

Sonny and Cher. Sonny skied into a tree and killed himself. Cher has had so much plastic surgery she looks like she has skied into a tree. Chastity looks like a tree.

puerileuwaite said...

FM - If it's any consolation, I didn't even know you were German. That's how much of a woman you are! Thanks for the smooches and hugs, and back at ya with some of my own.

***

Pinks - Oh no, you're on to my dirty little secret!

***

/t. - Busier than ever, I'm afraid.

***

PK - I've been at work, mostly. With a little bit of sleep sprinkled in.

***

Kate - SOMEBODY has to Letterman some real competition. Why can't it be yours truly?

And don't forget, we (at least most of us) haven't seen the other spigot ... so we can't assume she doesn't have something even freakier on that side of the dairy.

I've been missing my daily jaunts through my friends' blogs as well, and have some catching up to do. Soon, I hope.

***

She - "i too am attracted to red-faced white men with sargeant carter haircuts."

Who isn't? There's probably more than one reason why so many young lads enlist. And personally I think it takes "be all that you can be" a wee bit too far.

Oh, and after THAT rendition, add "Karaoke Parodies with She" to my list of things to do before a shove off from this mortal coil.

They say our love can't pay the rent

To them I say, why don't y'all get bent?

I got fleas, babe


And no, I don't have any haddock, but I DO need a cape to cover my cod!

:-)

***

Corn Dog - Plus, Sonny was a Republican, for Chrissakes! Talk about selling out. Damned Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves!

***

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

The good news? Q5 is *almost* ready for posting.

The bad news? It won't be until tonight ... at the earliest.

Thanks for not forgetting about me. Your kindness reminds this Pug of a certain 80's song which implores the listener to "Don't Forget About Me" (the title eludes yours truly at present). And now I'm off to breakfast at the club.

she said...

dont forget about pug
i couldnt if i tried
oh baby if he dont post
well, i feel like ive died

oooo - ooooo
waitin for pug's posts
a lightning like rod
a cape for his cod

ooooh ohhhhh
a pugly blog squad

so go on and make you that post
on your charms dont you coast


okay. it was lame but i just got up. and i am in pain from the boot camp i signed up for. (whatta dumb-ass) grrrhahaha no private pyle...er PILE jokes pug...er snd now i have to go submit to more torture. later curl-tail and dont curtail the post.

/t. said...

wow

you curs
got a speak
all yer own, eh?!?

so without further ah, doo doo

i was five and he was six
we rode on horses made of styx...

bang bang


/t.

Pink said...

not to be out doo doo'ed:

Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up - let's take a walk tonight
Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up - 'cos you pee at night

Baby I got sick this morning
A dogs breakfast was storming inside of me
Baby I think I'm failing
The tricks are getting harder and harder for me

And when I get that feeling
I want Pugs-ily Healing
Pugs-ily Healing is good for me

Mr. P, see what happens when you are away? The rabble rouse.
xx
pinks

/t. said...

marvin!

i am out-doone!

/t.

Little Lamb said...

Why must it be this way? Why can't it be that way?

puerileuwaite said...

She - Just yesterday I was wondering:

I want to know what "Pug" is
I want you to show me


And indeed, I think you have. We now have no less than 3-songs that define what we have ... virtually.

Precious and few are these moments
we two can share
And if I can't find my way back home
it just wouldn't be fair
'Cuz precious and few are these moments
we two can share,


Okay, so I couldn't work pugs or rotties into the verses. But this tune DOES remind me of toucans for some strange reason. Plus it's a killer Karaoke selection.

***

/t. - I dig it, man! I forgot about that classic! They just don't write songs like that anymore, for some odd reason. At least we get to hear them whenever Quentin Tarantino puts out a new film.

***

Pink - How did you KNOW I'm a Motown kinda Pug? And I like to get on the floor and do the "white guy dance"* (* slowly gyrating in one place as if I'm constipated, upper teeth exposed and covering my lower lip, while making suggestive eye contact with the horrified female) in particular to Marvin Gaye selections. So I say, "Let's Get It On"!

***

/t. - Not to worry, there's enough room in the jukebox for all of us. And if it's a campy 70's song ... even more so.

***

Lamby - You may be surprised to learn that I often have pondered those very same thoughts. I just never put them together like that. I like the way you think: don't just ask why... also ask "why not?".

puerileuwaite said...

UPDATE: Question #5 will be answered and posted tonight!

limpy99 said...

Question 5 must be a doozy.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Pug for senator of Utah.

Little Lamb said...

Why and why not, Puggy?

/t. said...

a palpable
tension grows...

a hushed chant
from the gathered crowd...

#5 #5 #5 #5 #5

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - Not really. But ANYTHING I'm able to post these days is a major accomplishment.

***

Enemy - Count me in, on 3-conditions:

1) I get more than one wife, which I can trade-in as necessary;

2) the Osmond family gets to accompany me on junkets;

3) I get to legally change my name to "Bringum Young".

***

Lamby - Because; and because as long as you live under my blog, you'll live under my rules, young lady, er, Lamby.

***

/t. - I'm flattered, as long as those AREN'T rocks that I see in everybody's clenched fists.