Wednesday, September 19, 2007

An Interview with the Cruel Virgin - Question #5


Hi everybody,

I'm back, and badder than ever. My writing in particular. Damn this job and lifestyle of mine, and the demands that are repeatedly placed on my time and energy as a result. For they keep me from you: strangers who pose a slightly lesser danger.

In fact I am *this* close to accepting Leelee's standing offer of employment at her store, where I won't be held nearly as accountable; not for my time, effort, nor even the contents of the cash drawer. I can sleep on a cot in the back room, roam the beach during my frequent breaks, blog instead of contribute to society, and briefly share my cot with the occasional "sexually unfulfilled" but well-preserved patron. The Pug's own "Antiques Road Show", if you will.


But who am I kidding? Florida is no place for morally ambiguous, indigent drifters. So I guess I need to make my present situation here in The Great Southwest a wee bit more tenable.

I suppose I could start by actually completing something I set out to do. So here goes, with the FINAL question in my interview with the Cruel Virgin.

Maybe THIS will be my ticket to securing a better job of some sort, as any worthwhile interview should. Perhaps I will land a coveted position as "Cabana Pug", applying oil to supple body parts (still attached, preferably) and toweling off excess moisture as needed.

So here's to a complete and successful interview.


5. Do you believe there is alien life on other planets? If so, do you think their intelligence is superior to ours? Will we one day meet folks like the Vulcans and the Klingons, or is it all just a dream?

Funny you should ask, as me and my Trekkie cohorts often chat about this very topic during convention breaks. The one premise we do agree on is that Vulcans and Klingons don't exist in reality, due to the menace of trademark infringement attorneys.

But yes, I DO believe there is life on other planets. I think it's arrogant to think Earth is the only petri dish out there. I also am of the opinion that we are one of the least-advanced orbs in the universe. Allow me to elaborate. It goes something like this ...


Earth is well-known throughout the galaxy as the "Safari Planet". This is THE destination for extraterrestrials who want to experience a truly primitive vacation experience. The vast majority of earthlings remain unaware of these other-worldly "junkets" because of the "stay in your vehicle" policy that alien tours seek to enforce.


Of course, just as we are known to break the rules by absconding with a rock, stalactite or stalagmite, these Space Tourists are equally reviled for departing with the occasional human "souvenier". But rather than curse those few bad apples, we should adopt the same strategy as our National Parks in effectively accomodating the "trinket hounds". My solution is to draw from the seemingly endless supply of "W" supporters in populating a gift shoppe that caters to this need.


The one-way, self-sealing back door of the concealed gift shoppe holding pen will have a sign over it that reads: "Third Term Amendment Approved! Through here to vote early for "W" in '08. ("W '08" bumper stickers will be provided for your Ford Expedition, Crown Victoria or Mercury Marquis)".

Just as we are fascinated by hamsters futilely running on their little treadmills, our alien bretheren are similarly intrigued by us in our cute little automobiles and canoes. Which explains many of the reported encounters during these forms of recreation. Of course some of us inevitably take our enjoyment one step too far, by intervening in the cute little rodent's adorable activity, and for - lord knows - whatever reason, applying duct tape to the hapless critter.

Why then, should it be a shock for us to discover that cattle have been multilated, and numerous rectums probed? Is tactile interaction NOT a logical progression in the experience of new discovery? Is there ANYONE among us who achieves satisfaction simply by LOOKING at the bunny rabbits in the pet store? Of course not! We want to yank on their ears and tweak their genitalia. So judge not, lest ye be judged.


Now like any vacation resort, there's always the inevitable asswipes who have to shit it up for the rest of us. And not unlike the snowmobiler who ignorantly destroys the tranquility of a quiet glen, or the jet skier who selfishly churns the placid waters, there are dickweeds among the E.T. crowd.

An example would be the true story behind "The Roswell Incident", which is nothing more than a classic example of road-rage gone tragically awry. Suprisingly, the real reason for the coverup is that the public couldn't bear the knowledge of aliens behaving as stupidly as us. We expect better of them.

Well that does it for my "Interview with the Cruel Virgin". I hope you enjoyed it, and remember: keep watching the skies!


.

43 comments:

Serena Joy said...

I'm pretty sure there's life on other planets, because I'm pretty sure my people came from them. I do wish they'd cease with the sneak attacks on the poor cows.

Re employment offers, if retail doesn't float your boat, I could use a good maid.:-)

/t. said...

impressive, pug

i am now convinced,
the truth is in here...

am only sorry the cruel one didn't lay six of these questions on you :)

/t.

Pink said...

Pug,

I vote we just make the poor aliens citizens of the world and be done with it. Course, they probably just want to collect all the benefits of visiting here 'under the radar'.

And please remind me to keep my pets locked in another room next time you visit.

I'd like to see you in a french maid's costume. You'd look really cute.
xx

leelee said...

Whenever you are ready to make the move my dear puggles .....the back room is quite cozy ..and there can def be a part time position as cabana boy at my pool..after a time I suppose we could even find you a spot in the main house!!

HUGGLES!

she said...

florida is a great place for
pug's antique road show
for the state be plentiful in
antique road hoes

in camaros
with french white painted toes
pall mall slims cigarette glows
and red nostrils from the blow

but enough about my school teachers! grrherhaha

break out the romulan ale!

i suppose by praising the intelligence of these exploitave and predatory space imperialists you hope to recover your kidney and sexual innocence. dont fall for their tricks. when the egg opens do not bend over for a closer look.

Scary Monster said...

One needs to call attention and give praise to the fact that you actually completed this series. STOMP.
Me likes the insane twist ya puts on stuff, Pug, but mebbe the whole cow mutilation thang be more like cow tipping fer aliens.
STOMP!

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - That's why I want an "Earth Native" bumper sticker, so the aliens among us will KNOW they are not welcome. Except for your family, of course, as it's obvious they're (mostly) benevolent.

And why WOULDN'T retail float my boat? People are at their best behavior in those environments, so - as a "people pug" - what's not to like?

Although, your maid idea DOES intrigue me. So give me a feather duster and call me Hazel. Just don't try any funny business as I'm bending over to put my French bread in the oven.

***

/t. - I don't like to let truth out that often, as the other versions tend to beat up on it, and take its lunch money.

And well, six WOULD have taken us well into October. But what the hey, I do have a few other post ideas a-brewin'.

***

Pinks - Bad idea. Why the eye exams alone would rule out any other appointments for that day. And have you ever TRIED to set a broken tentacle?

I dunno about the outfit. I'm worried it'll make my chubby look fat.

***

Leelee - As long as there's no skimming required for the pool, since I want to restrict that activity to the store.

However I AM interested in the advancement opportunities that you mentioned. Especially if I can acheive the ultimate level of incompetence* as Mr. Leelee the 2nd.

(* meaning MY incompetence as spouse material, of course)

***

She - What are Camaros, if not "Redneck Ferraris"? Those are my kinda gals.

So THAT'S where they went, and why it hurts so much to "evacuate" from either "escape hatch"!

And thanks anyway, but too late on the egg advice. But the good news is that the little squiggy finally fell off. So I guess that means I'm okay ... right? Right?!

***

Scary - Thanks! Another theory I have, is that the cattle mutilations are YET ANOTHER example of alien superiority.

Think about it.

Is that NOT the ULTIMATE evolutionary step in the "pick out your own steak and cook it your way" concept?

Little Lamb said...

I'm impressed. This post is about aliens and their existence. I'd like to meet one.

leelee said...

I'm ready when you are pugsy! wink wink

Serena Joy said...

Shoot, my people probably instigated the cow thing.:) I have a feather duster with your name on it, whenever you're ready to get cooking and cleaning. The oven deal is negotiable, depending on how good your French bread is.

Pink said...

Just like a republican to deny illegal aliens their right to a homeland.

I think pugs are supposed to be chubby.

I still think the little french maid hat would look cute on your puggly face and the short skirt would provide easy access to...um...the cabana.
xx
pinks

GirlGoyle said...

yes there are aliens...i'm a prime example. You my friend are very very disturbed. Could it be the over-work no play??

limpy99 said...

Anyone doubting the existence of aliens need only look at that photo of the late and probably not-all-that-lamented Leona Helmsley. Those eyes, those lips!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Klingons do exist! They were once Vikings that mutated and found a more hospitable planet to inhabit. They yelled: Today is a good day to die! But the higher power who is also part Klingon, wanted them to live.

Would you like a sixth question as per /t's request?

Pink said...

I want a sixth question!

Give the repuglican another question!!!

xx
pinks

Crashtest Comic said...

How could we find intelligent life in the universe when we can't even find intelligent life in the white house.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Call it a hunch, but if ANYONE has met an alien, it has to be you.

;-)

***

Leelee - Okay, I'll start the background check. I don't want this to be yet another brief sham Florida blogger marriage where m'lady tries to kill me on the honeymoon for the insurance money. You see, I've been hurt before!

***

Serena - Wait. Did you mention cooking and cleaning? What's THAT all about? And not to worry: my French bread is damned good. Flakey on the outside, moist in the middle; though it DOES tend to quickly go stale if not enjoyed in a timely manner.

***

Pinks - Easy cabana access is a perk, but it can also be a liability. That's why it's SO important to have a 6' fence with locking gate to keep the neighborhood children out.

***

Girlgoyle - If you ARE an alien, I will expect the sex to be out of this world. And that of course will help with the "no play" issue.

***

Limpy - Excellent point. Does she look like a Star Trek character, or what?

Or, if you prefer to go the "classic film star route", she bears an uncanny resemblence to Edward G. Robinson. Which is why I fantasize about making love to her, as she shrieks, "Where's your Moses now?".

***

Enemy - Thank you for taking the high road with your Klingon story. Most folks would make some form of Uranus reference.

Sure. This has been WAY too much fun. Lay Number 6 on me!

***

Pinks - Repuglican? Why do you hurt me so?

***

Crash - Maybe it will be in the last place we look. Wait. That doesn't make sense. The White House IS the last place I would look for it.

Serena Joy said...

I'm not really sure what cooking and cleaning is all about, which is why I proposed hiring YOU to do it. If your bread is good enough, however, I'm willing to forgo that part of the job description.:)

Scary Monster said...

Seems like Me saw that once on SNL.
With Dan Ackroyd and Gilda Radner


Mel: Hi! I'm Mel, for Mel's Char Palace! Where you find your own cow! You cut your own steaks! You select your cow from over 200 head! You stun it! You cut it! You charbroil it! You.. cut.. your own steaks! We give you the saw! You cut your own sirloins, tips, blades, and roasts! You find it! You stun it! You cut it! As big and as thick as you want it! Only at Mel's Char Palace! Our saws are light! Here's Mrs. Mel!

[ Mrs. Mel walks up gripping a chainsaw ]

Show 'em how to work the saw!

[ Mrs. Mel lets the chainsaw rip ]

Yeah, she does it, you can, too, at Mel's Char Palace, 217 Paramus!

Only in New Jersey!

STOMP!

Little Lamb said...

Oh puggy! You mean...? WOW!

Corn Dog said...

So, umm, are you saying this is how Sonny and Cher got here? Aliens? or cow assholes?

Pink said...

Dear Repuglican,

well, its kind of a hobby.

can you think of a better one?
xx
pinks

PS you put up a 6' fence around your cabana and you'll keep out alot of women, too.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Let me put it this way: you don't even have to add butter. Unless you're really into that sort of thing.

***

Scary - Yes, now that you mention it, I DO remember that SNL commercial. I always liked Acroyd's wacky characters and skits on SNL (who could forget the Bass-O-Matic?). Mel's Char Palace. Now THERE"S a GREAT name for a restaurant!

***

Lamby - I've already said too much. If the Men in Black stop by to pay you a visit, say nothing.

***

Corn Dog - Why can't it be BOTH? After all, there ARE two of them. And they shouldn't come from the same branch of the tree, because that would be creepy.

***

Pinks - Actually, I can. I've always preferred nude modelling. If you can find the "original" glue, you can get a nice buzz going. And there's no clothing on which to accidently spill the glue. Plus there's plenty of parts to snap into place.

Pink said...

you're a weirdo
xx

Serena Joy said...

Butter has its place.:-)

leelee said...

lol Pug..

HUGS!!

CruiserMel said...

Hey Hey HEY - that bunny doesn't have any genitalia. What to tweak, what to tweak?????

she said...

how are toilet paper and the starship Enterprise similar?











they circle around uranus looking for kingons.

*ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww*

grrrherhahaha.


you throwin down on the dirty south bra? grrrherhaha so you know.

then i deserve many sympathy visits to the yard

Anonymous said...

I was loving the post until the comments started bashing my beloved Sunshine State! lol

Imagining the interracial combos that could exist goes a long way to proving that like Serena, my lot are just not from here!

I like the perks that LeeLee offers... and she is in Florida... right??? Maybe IIIII should hit her up for a job! *wink (not the cabana boy gig though... I meant the store/beach/hang out one... you know... right!!??!!)

Its Kate btw

The Phosgene Kid said...

Mexico is like another planet and we have a lot aliens from there - illegal, but aliens none the less, does that count??

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Darn! I meant to keep THAT just between us!

***

Serena - Well in that case, call ME butter, 'cuz I'm on a roll! Hoo-ya!

***

Leelee - Hugs back, my friend, future employer, and possible next wife!

***

Cruisermel - Hmmmm ... maybe THAT was the true origin of "Easter Egg Hunts", and why bunnies are associated ...

***

She - Well then, I recommend that you repeatedly watch "The Postman Always Rings Twice" to prepare for my visit.

;-)

***

Kate - But if you wind up at Leelee's, who will be there at your house to tend to MY needs?

puerileuwaite said...

PK - Unfortunately after careful consideration, I must discount them for at least 2-reasons:

1) Extraterrestrial cuisine is dubious at best, as it is always dispensed in vending machine fashion. Mexican food, on the other hand, is delicious (the fast food variants - such as Taco Bell and their modified caulking guns - being the exception).

2) Extraterrestrial vehicles are "stealthy" in nature, while the Mexican equivalents are meant to attract attention.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

"the real reason for the coverup is that the public couldn't bear the knowledge of aliens behaving as stupidly as us. We expect better of them."

LOL! Heavens- there might be a tad more truth to that than I want to believe :)

I look forward to #6 ;)

Enemy of the Republic said...

Okay! Give me a few days--you probably don't want to post anyway--and I will come up with a killer.

LOL to Crash Test--so true.

The Phosgene Kid said...

...and that,boys and girls, is where scientologists came from...

Pink said...

Dear Repuglican,

Nope. But, I could be persuaded to keep the secret for a small bribe.
xx
pinks

Pud said...

Pug, Pug, Pug, Pug, Pug .....oh how I miss you. Are you going to post more regularly?

puerileuwaite said...

FM - Well on the bright side, I suppose I'd prefer THAT, to discovering we're one big "Lazy Susan Appetizer Tray" for the E.T. set.

***

Enemy - I want to post. Just like I want to make my usual rounds through all of your blogs. I enjoy those things. But it's been tough lately with the current routine. I look forward to Q6, my friend.

***

PK - Damn them! Oh, not for their wacky form of heresy, mind you. But for the tax advantages they enjoy. Perhaps this post can be the moon rock upon which WE can build OUR church. We can call ourselves "Pugapaliens". Who's with me?

***

Pinks - I like your flexibility! Though I don't like to think of my "bribe" as small. I prefer to think of it as "compactly efficient".

***

Pud - I'm gonna try. So what if that impacts "quality". I'm hoping everyone has long given up looking for quality in my posts, anyway.

I miss you too, my little Desert Dessert. I can 't wait to get you back here, so we can spend ample time "getting reacquainted". In fact, I already have a wonderful extended vacation planned for us at Indiana's Sand Dunes!

The Phosgene Kid said...

You may be on to something here - just heard the High Priest of the Wackos, Tom Cruise, is building a $10M bunker in his back yard to fend off the alien attack he thinks is coming. He may well have the last laugh after all!!

Pink said...

Compactly efficient?

hmmm...

and my ass doesn't look fat in these jeans either, eh?

xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

PK - That IS troubling. What if there's a nuclear holocaust, and Top-Gun and his Stepford Wife are the only ones available to repopulate the planet?

How would that look to "The Outsiders" from another galaxy? A world consisting of short, couch-jumping, bisexuals would almost certainly attract alien hostilities. And I wouldn't blame them.

In fact, I'm currently writing a book on the very same subject, and with Madonna's endorsement, I may be able to gain "traction" on the resulting Religion "off-shoot".

Well I'd love to share more of my thoughts on this topic, but a non-descript van with several men in sunglasses and dark suits just pulled into my driveway. So I'll see you later (I hope).

***

Pinks - Not to worry. I read somewhere (I think it was on that old coot's sex talk show) that it's how (often) you use it.

Pink said...

and how often did the old coot get to use his?

see...you've got to consider the source when you do your research, pugsy.

how will you ever pass your viva?
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Actually it was a woman. And if I can't trust a woman, whom can I trust?