Monday, November 05, 2007

I Had a Scam in Africa

Hi everybody,

By now some of you may have been wondering what happened to me, as I have been missing in action now for a couple of weeks. Well the good news is that the following rumors are untrue. For the record, I have not:

- been shot by a jealous husband, boyfriend, or lesbian lover;
- been executed by the mafia because I posed a threat to Don Pardo;
- been slain by a female serial killer posing as a prostitute;
- been slain by a prostitute posing as a female serial killer;
- been accidently axphixiated in an attempt to increase my own sexual arousal;
- been accidently axphixiated in an attempt to increase the lady's sexual arousal;
- been on secret assignment for the NSA in the jungles of Nicaragua;
- been held captive in a pit in Lamby's basement;
- been discovered dead in a bathtub in Paris;
- been caught dead in a bathtub with Paris;
- been suspended naked in an escape-proof Lucite box high above Times Square as part of a radio contest.

None of the above. Rather, the truth is that I've come into some money. But it's not what you're thinking. This time it has nothing to do with wrapping a dollar bill around Mr. Happy and using it as a condom.

It all started when I received the following email.

***

FROM THE DESK OF MRS. ALIMA MOHAMMED
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA-(BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO

CONFIDENTIAL.

Dear Friend ,

I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of Bank Of Africa (BOA). I am writing following the impressive information about you through one of my friends who runs a consultancy firm in your country. He assured me of your capability and reliability to champion this business opportunity.

In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $15,200,000 US dollars. In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in November 2000 in a plane crash.

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after Six to Seven years, the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. We agree that 30% of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60% would be for me and my colleagues. There after and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.

Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted. Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should no entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.

Trusting to hear from you immediately.

Yours faithfully,

MRS. ALIMA MOHAMMED
Bill and Exchange Manager,
Bank of Africa (BOA)

***

Needless to say, I have been way too excited about this windfall to think of anything (including and especially my blog-related duties) other than securing this windfall with a speedy and well-composed reply. So here goes.

***

Dear Mrs. Mohammed,

I would like to accept your gracious offer. The information you requested is separately attached. My account eagerly and openly awaits the monies, mon ami. And might I add that I love your surname, as Mohammed is my second favorite religious figure after Jesus. Alima is a pretty name as well. I once met a girl named Alima from Peru, but other than her, the name is quite rare for this old llama.

I would like to thank you for your kind words as to my character. I often worry that consultants say what they think you want to hear, in order that THEY THEMSELVES may benefit financially. Clearly and quite refreshingly that is not the case in this case.

As far as the abandoned funds are concerned, rest assured that I will provide a suitable "foster home" for them. I have a soft heart and a kind soul, and could recount the countless times when I have taken in strays. There was that Cornish Game Hen with the injured wing, the rabbit with a leg that was snagged on a key ring, and that possum who was actually in an independently-confirmed coma.

Furthermore, I am willing to sign an affidavit confirming that I have had relations with the deceased, if that will help expedite the dismemberment.

On a lighter note and submitted for your amusement, I had a buddy whose nickname was "Unclaimed Bill", since - true to his name - he would always leave empty-handed at the end of the night. It's a good thing that, unlike Bill, I won't be empty-handed after this experience!

I cannot stand my next of kin either, but what - pray tell - is a Bukinabe? My friends and I once tried to get into a Lilith Fair in Austin, where we jokingly referred to the crowd as "Birkenstock Babes", which I also cannot stand. I am reminded of a favorite one-caption cartoon, where the doctor says to his female patient, "I'm all out of Birth-Control Pills. Here's a pair of Birkenstocks instead. Put them on".

Are Bukinabes similar, or do you shave your armpits and prefer male "companions"? If so, I may be persuaded to "bring the mountain to Mohammed", if you catch my drift. And I think you might.

Allah Akbar,

Pug Pueriluwaite, ESQ
Securities for Exchange,
The Great Southwest

.

54 comments:

Little Lamb said...

Ooooooooooooooh! Ooooooooooooooh! Can I borrow a few million dollars?

Just how much are you supposed to get and when?

Can we go on that date you promised we'd go on when you came into some money?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - I knew it! I knew it! No sooner do I have 2-nickels to rub together, than you are on me like white on wool! Maybe I should wait, and auction myself off to the highest bidder.

jin said...

I'll cover you in chocolate & lick it off for a mere 7 grand.
What do you say, you game?
BTW, cash only darling. ;-)

limpy99 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
limpy99 said...

Stupid blogger.

Not for nothing, but that's one hell of a plane crash. Not only did it kill the depositor, but then it went after his entire family and potential beneficiaries as well. I'll say this for Nigerian plane crashes, they are thorough.

cathy said...

Hey!
How did you get that offer from my inbox?
I knew I should have replied sooner, never mind we'll just have to share the money but first I have to tell google that my email account has been compromised.

/t. said...

pug,

you're not
trying to pull
a fast one on these poor nigerians?

and, while i'm at it, as a service to your readers, pug... if anyone would like additional information about this deal, please forward your banking particulars including any PINs, the key to your liquor cabinet, and a small $10,000 handling fee -- i'll be happy to explain it to you and guarantee you will get everything you deserve

*** this is a public service of the Pug Blogging Network ***

thank you -- come again

/t.

Pink said...

Oh boy! Her two brothers just winked at me over on match. And after I reported them (silly suspicious me!), two more came along with new profiles. Well she sure seems like a nice girl. Maybe I should give her brothers a try. After all, they are working for children's charities and all. I'm sure they could use some of that money you've come into. I have a number you can call them at...

We all laugh at how naive they take us for. But, do you know, now that I think of it...two women I know from East Africa...WEALTHY women of South Asian descent...have been nearly taken in by scammers seeking to launder money out of Africa? No, they didn't ask for bank details, but they DID ask these women to set up foreign bank accounts for them, where they could then transfer their money for some 'legitimate' business purposes.

These women - educated women - didn't tell me about it because they were CONCERNED. No. They told me because they needed help to do it!

Once I explained to them the basic principles of money laundering they agreed not to set up the accounts. But I'm not sure they were ready to give up these boyfriends.

These scams are still out there because from time to time, a naive and ignorant person falls for it.

But PUG! I think you should not be telling everyone that you had 'relations' with the deceased. Isn't that the very thing that they pulled you in for, during that last round of psychological testing?

Oh and I think /t is ill advised on encouraging the pug to come again.

Some things don't need encouraging.

xx
pinks

Little Lamb said...

Gee whiz, Pug. I make myself totally available to you, and now its you who wants to wait.

Oh well.

I guess its now me waiting for you.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh, admit it: you loved it when I was strangling you!

I just moved from Burkina Fasa. The climate...

Tara said...

hey its tara, here is the website i was talking about where i made the extra summer cash.......... the website is here

Sassy Blondie said...

I waited all this time, and this is what you give me? Hmmph!

puerileuwaite said...

Jin - Cash only? What kind of disgusting proposition is THAT?

***

Limpy - Not only that, they've NEVER lost a piece of luggage either!

***

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I just opened an account with the Bank of Africa. They gave me a free calendar and an elephant tusk.

MyUtopia said...

LOL, I hate those e-mails!

Enemy of the Republic said...

LOL at /t!

CruiserMel said...

Sweeet, sweet, Pugman - Exactly what did you think you would accomplish by going to Lillith Fair or whatever it is? I mean, you are one helluva luvuh, but really, did you think you'd stand a chance with a Birkenstock Babe? tsk tsk Come on over here and rest your head on my..... oh wait, I'm typing this in public, aren't I?

puerileuwaite said...

Cathy - Your account isn't the only thing of yours I'd like to compromise, lady!

***

/t. - I'm just trying to get even with them after that lottery they held last year (that they claimed I won, but never paid out).

***

Pinks - Many famous artists had their "still life" phases, so it's not as unusual as one would think. And having dated the occasional retail worker, I've heard all the lines; I much prefer "come again" to "store credit only".

***

Lamby - Sorry. Of course I'm interested. But anytime a female is willing AND sober* (* giving you the benefit of the doubt in this case), it is a big red flag for yours truly.

***

Enemy - I don't know if it was the wine, the lighting, or the irony of the chicken costume I was wearing, but it WAS hot when you were choking me!

(p.s.- Is it TRUE what they say: "Once a Burkina Fasian, always a Burkina Fasian"?)

***

Tara - Clearly to this day you refuse to listen to me. So let me say it YET again: I have had it up to here with your need to rub your Internet porn "career" in my face. I would tell you where you could shove all of that extra cash, but you probably have a website depicting that activity as well.

***

Sassy - Whoa! This is the first time I've heard that line BEFORE going on a date, my little blonde minx.

***

Mighty D - The ivory alone makes it a sweeter deal than the branch in Burkina Faso. All I got was a copy of Dian Fossey's "Gorillas in the Mist", a Gorilla skull, and a bottle of Canadian Mist.

***

Myutopia - You wouldn't be saying that out of jealousy over MY good fortune, would you?

If so ... how disappointing.

Then I suppose moments like this really DO reveal who your true friends are ...

***

Enemy - Why do I get the feeling that /t. could run over a group of school kids, and you would think it was funny?

Wait. That WOULD be funny. Okay, bad example.

***

Cruisermel - My friends and I simply thought that if we sported LESS tattoos, body hair and muscles than the majority of the Lilith-goers, then we would appear more feminine by contrast - THUS turning us into "no batteries required sexual trinkets". The flaw in our plan was our being boobs instead of having them. And so, to quote Led Zeppelin: "I'll never go to Texas anymore".

Enemy of the Republic said...

It's true: You can take the girl out of Burkina Fasa, but you can never take Burkina Fasa out of the girl. I'm sorry if I choked you too hard--I had a cluster headache at the time.

Yes, /t is funny 24/7, my Pug. And so are you. I love coming to read your posts and read his comments to your posts. I don't know if you remember Satan, but /t got him there pretty good too.

Pink said...

pugsy

for a 'still life' phase, there's still gotta be life
xx
pinks

Serena Joy said...

I believe I got the same offer from Mrs. Mohammed's husband. When I told him where to put it, he made me a counter-offer that can't be repeated in public. I guess I am destined to die poor -- hopefully not slain naked and upside down in a Nicaraguan bathtub.

Pink said...

SJ has a vivid (and scary) imagination!
xx
pinks

Scary Monster said...

How come nobody ever offers me any money. All Me ever gets is invitations to have sex with married contortionists.

STOMP.

Crashtest Comic said...

Simliar thing happend to me--

I received an envelope from Ed Mc Mohammed saying "I may have already won."

Pink said...

Apparently the imagination has spread to Stompy too ;)

where you at pugsy?
xx
pinks

cathy said...

Bad boy! Go and lie down.
Let go of my leg. LOL!

Doesn't that silly Tara know that spam isn't good for dogs?

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Perhaps one day I CAN tame you, and at least "mitigate" the effects of Burkina Fasa. I only vaguely remember Satan, as it's thankfully been quite some time since he appeared on my pancake urging me to kill the other diners.

***

Pink - Of course there's gotta be life, but I provide that.

***

Serena - 'Tis a pity, as offers of wealth from abroad are so rare. But I do suppose you can't be too careful: turns out there are NO bathtubs in Nicaragua. Yet another scam, it appears.

(p.s. - I like the way you think, lady!)

***

Pinks - AND she's a redhead! What's not to love?

***

Scary - Maybe they already see that you're rich in other ways. Married contortionists are hard to come by. Married extortionists are another matter, entirely, however.

***

Crash - What's worse than that is the letter which always seems to arrive the next day indicating that "I may already owe taxes on it".

Plus, once Ed discovers your liquor cabinet, it quickly negates the winnings anyway.

***

Pinks - Exactly. Where ARE the "Thought Police" when you need them? I'm here, finally. It's been another mind-numbing week, but at least I'll be around throughout today and tomorrow afternoon.

***

Cathy - No, I will NOT let go of your leg! I want to see where it leads to!

I'm starting to think that Tara may be bad for me in general. But she does "bring home the bacon".

puerileuwaite said...

p.s. - I will be back shortly to start visiting your fire hydrants, er, blogs.

Corn Dog said...

Crocs are the Birkenstocks of this generation, except they took it a step further (yuk yuk) and made them in vomitus colors. Birth control and and nausea all in one step. They don't look recyclable to me, but the company claims they are. You have to mail them back and then the company says they make padding for children's playgrounds. Mention children or nuns and there are never questions.

Pink said...

Thanks for peeing on my hydrant.

How is your life my cute little puppy? I miss your snuggles and slobber.

xx
pinks

Kate said...

Loved this bit..."...I have had relations with the deceased, if that will help expedite the dismemberment...."

dismemberment??? cutting, tearing, pulling, wrenching or otherwise removing, the limbs of a living things... or money from a living thing! lol

Glad to see you were doing good while you were ignoring us completely! lol

cheers! k8

Enemy of the Republic said...

Okay, Pug, start a fund to raise money for Scary Monster. You can do it!

GirlGoyle said...

For shits n giggles I actually called the number listed on one of these pranks. Lo and behold it worked! Some guy on the other end actually answered the phone. And then he continued to harass me after that. I'll bet if you did reply to that email you'd get an asnwer from your new friend Mohammed. And when he does make you a rich man and king of the jungle, don't forget your blogger buddies huh!

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - How is life? Much of a grind lately, and not the good "Strip Club" kind, either. This makes me more of a "sleeper" than a snuggler, I'm afraid. But I'm looking for that African "harvest" to show up in my bank account any day now, so things could improve a tad.

***

Kate - Ignore? Never! I just can't keep (it) up like I used to. Maybe I can find my groove again soon.

***

Enemy - Why? Am I missing something? I didn't see the Scary Monster beacon in the sky, beconing his "Superfriends" to his aid. And how do I know he won't spend it on cheap hootch and cigarettes? I'd rather PAY him the money for some demo work. He can start with Cleveland.

***

Girlgoyle - This "King of the Jungle" is going to need a "Queen of the Jungle". And this time I want my queen to be an actual female, as there are plenty of bananas in the jungle already. So I will be holding tryouts. Wear your leopard-skin and report to the main tiki-hut.

puerileuwaite said...

(p.s. - Could a NEW post be on the horizon? Stay tuned and find out!)

limpy99 said...

I just watched "The Last King of Scotland" last night; I'd put a hold on going over to Africa to collect any missing funds.

Pink said...

Well as long as you still slobber, I'll still love ya, pup!

How is it going on your get filthy rich scheme?
xx
pinks

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - Why? Was he "kilt"?

(Sorry, I couldn't help it)

***

Pinks - You have no idea (that why the ladies REALLY like me ;-).

Phase 1 is already complete: I'm totally filthy!

limpy99 said...

-Groan-

Maven said...

I can't get past the title of this particular post. Funny, you didn't strike me as an Issak Dinesen/Karen von Blitzen/Meryl Streep fan...

puerileuwaite said...

Maven, I like Meryl Streep. She always strikes me as being in on a joke that only she is privvy to, and I admire her for that. Plus, it couldn't have been easy for her to choose between her 2-kids, to give up one to the Nazis. Sure, I overhear parents in grocery stores all the time uttering that threat to their spawn, but these are different times ...

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