Recently I've been spending more time than I care to at the local supermarket. Well, like they say in "Produce", when lemons are on sale, make lemonade. And in my life, lemons are ALWAYS on sale. So allow me to "make lemonade", not in the usual way by going "Number 1" behind the store dumpster, but rather this time by sharing some of my observations with you, my fellow value shoppers.
1) It's apparently NOT okay to grab toilet paper and magazines off of shelves in order to restock the restroom for your convenience. They seem to have an issue with that.
2) It's apparently NOT okay to lovingly caress the cantalopes whenever a lady is present.
3) It's apparently NOT okay to complete your shopping with a cucumber protruding from your zipper.
4) It's apparently NOT okay to screen potential dates by aggressively combing through their carts, looking for feminine hygiene products.
5) It's apparently NOT okay to treat Whipped Cream containers as "Nitrous Oxide Samplers".
6) It's apparently NOT okay to pose as the "Local Rep" for pantyhose products.
7) It's apparently NOT okay to loiter in the dairy section, extolling the greater benefits of breast milk.
8) It's apparently NOT okay to linger and repeatedly recite Robert Shaw's "Quint" character's famous monologue from "Jaws" by the Seafood section, as follows:
Quint: "Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. It was comin' back, from the island of Tinian Delady, just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen footer. You know, you know that when you're in the water, Chief? You tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. Well, we didn't know. `Cause our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. Huh huh. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief. The sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know it's... kinda like `ol squares in battle like a, you see on a calendar, like the battle of Waterloo. And the idea was, the shark nearest man and then he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark would go away. Sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces. Y'know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men! I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand! I don't know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin' Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player, bosun's mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. Well... he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us, he swung in low and he saw us. He'd a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper, anyway he saw us and come in low. And three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water, three hundred and sixteen men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb."
9) It's apparently NOT okay to horizontally place your soup cans onto the rungs of the ladder that the stockboy is currently using.
10) It's apparently NOT okay to demonstrate to your fellow shoppers how the Indian Maiden on the "Land O' Lakes" butter carton can be strategically folded so that her knees become her boobs.
11) It's apparently NOT okay to dole out free samples of Ex-Lax chocolates to the kiddies a la Costco and Sam's Club. (Ditto for Preparation-H to their parents)
12) It's apparently NOT okay to try to exit with a steak over your eye, claiming that the dude collecting shopping carts punched you on the way in.
13) It's apparently NOT okay to meticulously and repeatedly read through all of the help screens on the DVD Rental Machine when there's a line waiting.
14) It's apparently NOT okay to brag to the lady butcher that you're "not just another piece of meat".
15) It's apparently NOT okay to order a cake inscribed with: "Al Qaeda Sleeper Cell 25 - Happy Anniversary!".
16) It's apparently NOT okay to taunt personnel at the Starbuck's counter with the can of Folger's you just purchased.
17) It's apparently NOT okay to block the cart return area with your vehicle. Especially when it's full of carts, and the store is running low.
18) It's apparently NOT okay to pose as the Store Manager and steer minorities to the "Ethnic Foods" section upon entering the store.
19) It's apparently NOT okay to pose as the Store Manager and steer white folks to the Ex-Lax and Preparation-H displays upon entering the store.
20) It's apparently NOT okay to get in line late at night with ONLY the following items: ski mask, rope, butcher knife, disposable gloves, flashlight, Mace, pantyhose, True-Crime novel.
21) It's apparently NOT okay to dress in a plaid jacket with matching hat, place a toothpick in your mouth, then review the Horse Racing sheet in front of the meat counter.
22) It's apparently NOT okay to attempt to convince housewives that they are taken for granted, and should run off with you to Mexico.
23) It's apparently NOT okay to break into hysterics while reading through the tabloids in line at the checkouts.
24) It's apparently NOT okay to jump onto the bagger's back after he asks if you need help out to your car.