Thursday, November 15, 2007

Lost in the Supermarket


Hi everybody,

Recently I've been spending more time than I care to at the local supermarket. Well, like they say in "Produce", when lemons are on sale, make lemonade. And in my life, lemons are ALWAYS on sale. So allow me to "make lemonade", not in the usual way by going "Number 1" behind the store dumpster, but rather this time by sharing some of my observations with you, my fellow value shoppers.

***

1) It's apparently NOT okay to grab toilet paper and magazines off of shelves in order to restock the restroom for your convenience. They seem to have an issue with that.

2) It's apparently NOT okay to lovingly caress the cantalopes whenever a lady is present.

3) It's apparently NOT okay to complete your shopping with a cucumber protruding from your zipper.

4) It's apparently NOT okay to screen potential dates by aggressively combing through their carts, looking for feminine hygiene products.


5) It's apparently NOT okay to treat Whipped Cream containers as "Nitrous Oxide Samplers".

6) It's apparently NOT okay to pose as the "Local Rep" for pantyhose products.

7) It's apparently NOT okay to loiter in the dairy section, extolling the greater benefits of breast milk.

8) It's apparently NOT okay to linger and repeatedly recite Robert Shaw's "Quint" character's famous monologue from "Jaws" by the Seafood section, as follows:


Quint: "Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. It was comin' back, from the island of Tinian Delady, just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen footer. You know, you know that when you're in the water, Chief? You tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. Well, we didn't know. `Cause our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. Huh huh. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief. The sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know it's... kinda like `ol squares in battle like a, you see on a calendar, like the battle of Waterloo. And the idea was, the shark nearest man and then he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark would go away. Sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces. Y'know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men! I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand! I don't know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin' Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player, bosun's mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. Well... he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us, he swung in low and he saw us. He'd a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper, anyway he saw us and come in low. And three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water, three hundred and sixteen men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb."



9) It's apparently NOT okay to horizontally place your soup cans onto the rungs of the ladder that the stockboy is currently using.

10) It's apparently NOT okay to demonstrate to your fellow shoppers how the Indian Maiden on the "Land O' Lakes" butter carton can be strategically folded so that her knees become her boobs.


11) It's apparently NOT okay to dole out free samples of Ex-Lax chocolates to the kiddies a la Costco and Sam's Club. (Ditto for Preparation-H to their parents)

12) It's apparently NOT okay to try to exit with a steak over your eye, claiming that the dude collecting shopping carts punched you on the way in.

13) It's apparently NOT okay to meticulously and repeatedly read through all of the help screens on the DVD Rental Machine when there's a line waiting.

14) It's apparently NOT okay to brag to the lady butcher that you're "not just another piece of meat".

15) It's apparently NOT okay to order a cake inscribed with: "Al Qaeda Sleeper Cell 25 - Happy Anniversary!".


16) It's apparently NOT okay to taunt personnel at the Starbuck's counter with the can of Folger's you just purchased.

17) It's apparently NOT okay to block the cart return area with your vehicle. Especially when it's full of carts, and the store is running low.

18) It's apparently NOT okay to pose as the Store Manager and steer minorities to the "Ethnic Foods" section upon entering the store.


19) It's apparently NOT okay to pose as the Store Manager and steer white folks to the Ex-Lax and Preparation-H displays upon entering the store.

20) It's apparently NOT okay to get in line late at night with ONLY the following items: ski mask, rope, butcher knife, disposable gloves, flashlight, Mace, pantyhose, True-Crime novel.

21) It's apparently NOT okay to dress in a plaid jacket with matching hat, place a toothpick in your mouth, then review the Horse Racing sheet in front of the meat counter.


22) It's apparently NOT okay to attempt to convince housewives that they are taken for granted, and should run off with you to Mexico.

23) It's apparently NOT okay to break into hysterics while reading through the tabloids in line at the checkouts.

24) It's apparently NOT okay to jump onto the bagger's back after he asks if you need help out to your car.

***

Did I miss any?



.

72 comments:

Maven said...

Regarding #22... where do you shop? :)I'll call you Pedro if you'll call me Consuela.

Enemy of the Republic said...

ROTFLMAO at the Starbucks. I usually show them the generic coffee of the grocery store and it always tastes better.

I know that they take issue when my son and me grab two plastic tupperware, filled them up with Captain Crunch and then ask a nursing mom for her breast milk as we want immunities against the crap we are about to eat.

limpy99 said...

That was a thorough and well-thought out list. You missed an activity that my brother and I used to engage in during our younger days, i.e. last week. When exiting the local supermarket, we would quickly reach up and knock the automatic door switch to the "off" position. The we would sit outside and spend the next several minutes watching people crash into automatic doors that weren't opening. Good times. Thanks for the memories.

Crashtest Comic said...

Al Quaeda sleeper cell..
I get it. Ha!

How come no one ever spells that right? It was so much easier when we fought Hitler.

/t. said...

yeah,
your list
pretty much
parallels my own

some things are just the same everywhere, eh?

/t.

ps -- i'd enjoy grocery shopping with you and/or with enemy

Mighty Dyckerson said...

They also don't like it when you ride bareback down the conveyor belt at the checkout line.

Little Lamb said...

Oh Pug, Is it ok to do anything in the grocery store? What is it ok to do? Inquiring lambs want to know.

Pink said...

well why the hell would you go shopping anymore? Some people want to take the fun out of everything.

but wait...you TAUNT starbucks customers?

I may never talk to you again.
xx
pinks

Scary Monster said...

Me not positive about this, but it ain't quite kosher to bring yer fishing rod to the store and cast fer a bright red snapper.

Me might just test out yer theories and see iffin the store owners object.

STOMP.

Corn Dog said...

It's not okay to go bowling with the honeydew melons down the soft drink aisle either. That was a great piece, Pug. Laughed my ass off.

/t. said...

staring
at the checkout
cashier's cleavage
while repeatedly missing
"how will you pay for that, sir" queries is definitely a bad idea when shopping with the wife

for future reference

/t.

Scary Monster said...

Me forgot to mention that Quint's soliloquy be one of the best things ever put on celluloid.

Taking comparative surveys of cucumbers be somewhat frowned upon in me local market.

STOMP.

Kate said...

hehehe nice mental image I have of you caressing the lopes with the cucumber in your pants!

I think its safe to say you shouldnt take a bite of the cookies they are sampling and put the rest back if you dont like it...

I agree with /t. that staring at the clevage of another broad while with your wife is not a good move... whether she works there or not!

On that same note... purposly dropping things on the floor for the girl in front of you with the short skirt to pick up... not ok...

Gosh no wonder I hate the grocery store! No Fun!

GirlGoyle said...

WTF...that's a long list of do-nots...
Shopping sux enough as it is, now that you can't do anything fun what's the point of shopping at all? Thank God for take out!

Scary Monster said...

Is it OK to play volleyball from aisle to aisle with pudding packs?

STOMP.

Serena Joy said...

I've shopped with people like you. So, how are the bruises and abrasions coming along?:-)
I didn't see anything about frozen turkey bowling. Do they not do that any more?:)

Little Lamb said...

PUG!!!! Where are you?

leelee said...

23) It's apparently NOT okay to break into hysterics while reading through the tabloids in line at the checkouts.

"Call me irresponsible" then...how can one NOT??

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Maven - It's a deal. "I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you call call me Al" is so 80's, anyway.

***

Enemy - I like YOUR idea WAY better. I always get yelled at when I drink directly from the, um, "container".

***

Limpy - I am a changed Pug because of you. I will from now on be looking for the switch that you mentioned in every store as I exit.

You also reminded me of an old Rich Hall SNL gag, where he cut out pieces of the opener mat (when they used to have those sensor mats in front of the doors) and affixed them to the soles of his shoes. Then he would go around opening all kinds of different doors with his special shoes. Eventually he leaves them as an anonymous gift for his boss. who puts them on, and (remember that they open ALL kinds of doors) proceeds to walk into an open elevator shaft.

***

Crash - I thought I DID spell it right. Anyway, spelling is irrelevant when you're stealing and reusing it in your act.

***

/t. - I agree. In fact, maybe we can use the texting function on our cell phones to coordinate those types of random disturbances.

***

(Sorry to be missing in action so much lately. In fact, I have to race out early this AM for another long day of fun and festivities. I will be catching up on my replies and visits later tonight, so you have that to dread, er, look forward to.)

puerileuwaite said...

Mighty D - Especially when naked, with nothing but boots and spurs on, and all of your produce is in your lap. They say it distracts the other shoppers, but they frown on it even when the store is empty.

***

Lamby - Frankly, I don't know the answer to that question, since all of my visits seem to involve "negative reinforcement".

***

Pink - I didn't say I taunted the customers, but heck, if you're into that sort of thing, I'll be right over!

***

Scary - Maybe it's different over there, between their wacky TV shows and keen interest in "all things American". One question though: was "Red Snapper" meant to be a euphemism? (Because it usually is for THIS Pug!)

***

Corn Dog - Thank you for shopping for humor here at "Why Oh Why Must It Be This Way?". We take paper or plastic. Did you find everything?

***

/t. - Not all available melons are to be found in produce. Unfortunately this revelation tends to temporarily turn the main squeeze's honeydews into honeydont's. But after a little buttering up, you'll be back at the buffet in no time.

***

Scary - Not only that, but the summer sausages are also not a good idea. It gives the impression that the ladies may be in for an unhealthy "dose" of "nitrates".

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - Thanks to your imagery, never again will I be able to shop for groceries without thinking lecherous thoughts.

***

Girlgoyle - Are you suggesting that you'd like to take ME out? If so, I'd better stop by the store pharmacy!

***

Scary - Not in my case, because it leads to thoughts of women's volleyball. The next think you know, I have a pudding pack in each hand, and it's no longer a game ...

***

Sassy Blondie said...

OMG! That was YOU in the dairy section, Pugsley? If I'd known it was you, I wouldn't have caused such a scene... ;)

Mayden' s Voyage said...

The bag boys don't mind when I jump on their backs when we exit the store...
hmmm-
I wonder why?
(however, they aren't too excited when I take them home, make them unload the car, re-stock the pantry, sweep the kitchen floor, and then take them back again :0!)

:)

Smooch pug...you get one if you need it or not ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy - My fault, entirely, for not remembering that the goods are not meant to be consumed in the store.

***

FM - Since I've taken my share of bag ladies home, who I am to judge? And you know I'm always up for one of your smooches.

puerileuwaite said...

Oops! Now I'm all outta sync ...

Serena - I don't know how to take your comment. I'm not used to be referred to as "people".

I think "frozen turkey bowling" de-evolved into curling, and the Canadians took it over.

***

Lamby - You haven't won Lotto yet, so I've been busy toiling away my youth.

***

Leelee - I thought I was the only one!

Serena Joy said...

Mea culpa, Puggy. You're such an adorable pup that I sometimes forget you're not a people. I seriously would shop with you. You'd take the ho-hum right out of those boring aisles.:)

RevRee said...

Don't stuff anything down your pants, especially cucumbers...

/t. said...

dude,

i heard
that remark
about curling and canadians

we gave you william shatner... we're even... let it go

/t.

Anonymous said...

grrrrrrherherhahahaha! excellent post!

MyUtopia said...

LOL, I Like number 1, that is funny!

Pink said...

We gave you Thanksgiving too, by the way...but that's something nobody seems to remember...
xx
pinks

Happy Thanksgiving...or your pale American version of our great Canadian Festival! ;)

Enemy of the Republic said...

Ok, you, /t, me and my son will go shopping. Both of you will get your share of breast milk--I will just show them my La Leche tattoo and they will happily spill it over.

Happy Thanksgiving Pug.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - With you and me joining forces, we would clean up in every aisle!

***

Rev - Well I'd better fish out those 2-avocados then ...

***

/t. - Oh no, I'd forgotten about Shatner. In that case, beam me outta here.

***

Anonymous - You remind me of a certain someone who makes me smile when She laughs in a similar fashion ...

***

MyUtopia - I only wish they had a better choice in magazines. FHM and Maxim ARE rather tame for this animal. ;-)

***

Pinks - I had also forgotten that factoid, so allow me to include all of Canada in my expression of thanks. And not just for Gordon Lightfoot, Rush, hockey, or Duddly Do-right (any longer).

***

Enemy - It's a deal. I can think of no finer visual image than the 4-of us walking into the dairy section. And while I'm in a thankful mood, allow me to express my gratitude for the reminder that "leche" can have wholesome connotations as well.

Pink said...

...you forgot /t and pinks, Canada's greatest offerings...

cathy said...

Damned if I can think of anything they don't allow me to do in my local supermarket. I think they are scared of me LOL.
Must be the way I keep removing out of date produce from the shelves and insisting they dispose of it, Greece chuh!

limpy99 said...

I remember that skit. That was back when SNL was still sort of funny. Ahh, the good old days.

Call me Maniac. said...

I read a long time ago that the artist who created the Land O Lakes picture of the indian girl did it that way on purpose. It was a practical joke.

Kate said...

still lost in the supermarket I see...

Hope you had a good THanksgiving Pug

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - How could I forget? I drink just to TRY to forget. Oh, Canada! Why? ;-)

***

Cathy - Well if you're THAT obsessed with expired fruit, I need to show you my underwear drawer!

***

Limpy - Sad but true. I can't remember that last time I tuned in.

***

Call Me Maniac - That would be so cool if it were true. Of course we've all heard the stories about Disney artists sneaking in risque objects, but I hadn't heard about the Land O Lakes label (which has been around for decades) being intentional ... until now.

Still, whatever the motive for the design, it made butter that much more appealing for this particular youngster!

***

Kate - Thanks for the reminder. I DO need to head for the checkout lanes, and onto new adventures. I hope you (and everyone) had a nice Thanksgiving, like I did.

Pink said...

lol - well it helps if you quit drinking Molson's Canadian or Canadian club whiskey or Vodka and Canada Dry Gingerale.

You've got to be sensible about your drinking!
xx
pinks

/t. said...

in canada
it is illegal
for animals to drink liquor...

...after that shameful 'lambs and pugs incident' in montreal...

/t.

Little Lamb said...

What lamb and pug incident? Is Pug seeing other lambs?

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Sensible about my drinking? I hadn't thought it possible!

***

/t. - Oh no, not THAT story again! It's an Urban Legend, people! Lamby and I have had our moments, but - honest - we had nothing to do with the Expos leaving town.

***

Lamby - No, rest assured, I'm a one-lamb Pug. The rest of them can go flock off!

puerileuwaite said...

UPDATE: No promises, but things do appear to be getting a bit more manageable. So I hope to post something delightfully NEW(!) in the next day or two. And who knows? From there, maybe I can get back to posting once a week! You never know.

Pink said...

and lambs may fly!
xx
pinks

Little Lamb said...

Oooooooooooooooh! Wouldn't that be fun? I would like to fly on my own!

And I may going flying one day, but not on my own.

Scary Monster said...

Things are getting better? Could it be that you actually work in a supermarket and all this time we all have been giving you tips to improve customer service relations?

STOMP.

Sassy Blondie said...

Damn, Pugsley dear! Get out of that supermarket and stop squeezing the melons, for the love of mike!

Write something...I miss it.

Kate said...

ok... I am here to say (yes I have had some wine...) get the fruck out of the supermarket now or I will have to hunt you down and shoot you!

Anyway, hope you are having a good day Pugsly! *wink

puerileuwaite said...

Pinks - Please don't push Lamby into trying even more new things so soon. We have her producing more sophisticated posts ... isn't that enough for now?

***

Lamby - Maybe it's not "flying", per se, but the sensation of flying that only a romantic interlude with Yours Truly can provide. But just to be safe, I'll bring along bags of peanuts and an in-flight movie.

***

Scary - If only. No, unfortunately my job doesn't have that much glamour and stimuli.

***

Sassy - Aw, shucks. You made me blush! And you also prompted me to work on my next post some more. But then, true to form, I once again was interrupted ("Postus Interruptus" is the medical term). Hopefully tonight? Hey, I didn't call THIS post "LOST in the Supermarket" for nothing!

***

Kate - Well I WAS; then I noticed that you skipped me over in your comments section. For shame!

Ahhh, threats from women who want to hunt me down and shoot me ... that takes me back down Memory Lane ...

NICK said...

what's
the hold up
at the checkouts?!?

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Sorry buddy, I became engrossed in the latest issue of "People". I'm better now.

blackbird said...

I see you haven't changed over the years...

puerileuwaite said...

Hi Blackbird! Your visit made me smile. Long time no see!

Rat In A Cage said...

Shopping is such a drag these days. The monologue from Jaws is priceless, especially in a seafood section.

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks Rat. I was told that it scares the children; to which MY response was: better they're exposed to it here, then down the street at Long John Silver's (where I hang out at night).

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