The Pug Pitch

Hi everybody,

As lamented in the previous post, it's apparent that I may need some help in boosting my popularity a wee bit. The cocktail party was a disaster, and I suspect it was partly due to not having a reputation that preceded me. I need some legal way to create a "buzz", so the ladies are more concerned with impressing yours truly than addressing their own selfish needs.

I think the answer is that I need a pitchman. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce someone who most of you may be slightly familiar with from various commercials for Oxiclean, Kaboom!, Power Putty, Orange Glo, Orange Clean, Hercules Hangars, and other products. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Billy Mays.

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HI FOLKS! BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE PUG! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN ON BAD DATES THAT YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO BE OVER? WELL NOW WITH THE PUG, DATES WITH DOLTS ARE A THING OF THE PAST! THE PUG COMES WITH A PATENTED "DUAL CYCLONIC" ACTION WHICH WORKS IN SEVERAL WAYS TO ENSURE THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME! SCHLEPS WHO BREAK YOUR HEART AND YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NEED NOT APPLY ANYMORE, THANKS TO THE PUG!


HOW DOES THE PUG WORK? THE FIRST THING THE PUG DOES IS SHOW UP WITH YOUR FATHER'S FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE, WHICH THE TWO SHARE WHILE YOU ARE GETTING READY! THE BEVERAGE IS TREATED WITH A SPECIAL CONDITIONING AGENT WHICH PRODUCES EUPHORIA AND REMOVES ANY DISTRUST! THE PUG THEN USES HIS PORTABLE, COMPACT ANYTIME DIMMER TO SET THE LIGHTING IN ORDER TO SLOW DANCE WITH YOUR MOM! MOM WILL WANT ONE TOO!


THE PUG WHISKS YOU AWAY IN HIS PATENT-PENDING PUGMOBILE WITH SPECIAL HEATED, VIBRATING PASSENGER SEAT WHICH USES SPACE AGE TECHNOLOGY TO SAFELY HOLD MORE THAN 300 POUNDS!


AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD TO AWKWARDLY FUMBLE FOR YOUR PURSE DURING DINNER FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD TO PAY THE BILL? WITH THE PUG, YOU CAN RELAX AND ENJOY THAT HUGE PLATE OF PASTA! THE PUG COMES WITH A COMPLETE SET OF OTHER PEOPLES' CREDIT CARDS WHICH HE WILL USE TO WINE AND DINE UNTIL YOU ARE BURSTING AT THE SEAMS!


THEN IT IS OFF TO THE KARAOKE BAR, WHERE THE PUG WILL DEDICATE EVERY TUNE TO YOU, LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES AS HE CROONS AND INSERTS YOUR NAME INTO THE SONG! THERE WILL BE NO DOUBT TO ALL OF THE LOSERS PRESENT, ESPECIALLY THE ONES YOU HAVE FORMERLY DATED, THAT YOU ARE THE PUG'S SPECIAL GAL!


AND IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THE DATE TO THE NEXT LEVEL, THE PUG COMES WITH A FULLY-REFUNDABLE INTIMACY GUARANTEE! IF YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED, SIMPLY RETURN THE UNUSED PORTION FOR YOUR MONEY BACK!


PLUS AS OUR GIFT TO YOU, WE'LL ALSO THROW IN AN ENGRAVED SET OF THE PUG'S FAVORITE BLOG POSTS, ALONG WITH A LIFETIME CHAMOIS TO KEEP THEM POLISHED!


ACT TODAY SO THAT YOU DON'T MISS OUT! WITH AN OFFER LIKE THIS, THE PUG IS SURE TO GO FAST!

Unfinished Pug

Hi everybody,

Per my last post, you are all aware of my recent infatuation with the Vonage lady. It is with a tinge of regret that this promising relationship has cooled a bit due to several factors:

1) Corn Dog advised me that she is wearing a wig, and as such that is NOT her natural hair. This would make her look just like everyone else;

2) She has yet to acknowledge any of my correspondence or return any of my calls;

3) I worry that, being a nobody, she doesn't consider me to be in her league.

So what is a bright and gifted young canine to do? I suppose I could lower my standards and mingle among the hoi polloi. Oh, please don't take offense! I'm certainly not thinking of any of you fine folks! Most of you live too far away (thank God ... oops, I mean, "darn").

But why should I give up on my dream of rubbing, um, elbows with celebrities? How did THEY become so polished and popular?


It's obvious that I need to do something to get there, as last night's cocktail party would suggest. Normally I wouldn't share the sordid and embarrassing details with anyone, but over the past couple of years I have come to know you - my fellow bloggers - as compassionate and supportive individuals who would never take delight in my misfortune. So here are some of the faux pax that I have yet to completely obliterate from memory via repeated immersion in alcohol:


Mistake #1: Bad fashion and entrance advice. "He walked into the party, like he was walking onto a yacht." This might be "hip" imagery for an early '70's Carly Simon tune, but in retrospect I should've realized that I would look like a total dork. So much for swaggering into the room, wearing Sperry topsiders with no socks, white canvas pants, navy blazer over horizontally-striped t-shirt, and Skipper's cap. And a pipe. Let's just say I didn't get nearly the reaction I'd anticipated.


Mistake #2: Poor powers of observation.
Me: Have you tried the hors'd oeuvres?
She: Yes. They are on this half-finished plate I am holding.
Me: Oh.
She: Well, it's getting late ... for this conversation. (walks away)


Mistake #3: Not having a compelling enough bio.
Me: So what do you do?
She: I just did a spread for Maxim, and my interpretive sculpture exhibit is just about to open at the Guggenheim. And you?
Me: I'm a research consultant for the Nielsen people. I help determine television programming trends.
She: I have to go ... over there.


Mistake #4: Uninteresting / creepy / off topic conversation material.
She: ... and so, there are many intricate layers of complexity to even the most apparently basic forms of abstract art.
Me: I purposely won't listen to The Beatles for long periods of time, because I don't want to take them for granted.
She: I have to go purge now. This little chat of ours should expedite the process.


The evening just became increasingly crueler from there.

So what to do? How can I achieve my goals, and snare the lady of my dreams, all with minimal investment on my part? I suppose the logical approach is to identify (and identify with) celebrities who also lack "traditional" attributes for attaining star power, such as:

1) personality;
2) talent;
3) good looks;
4) charm.

We all know who we would include on our list, and I'm sure many of our choices would coincide. I was going to name a few, but knowing my luck, I would end up bumping into some of them at the liquor store.


Anyway, thanks especially to the insightful advice of my dearest Pinks on how to process these things, I think I know what I need to do. That will be revealed in the followup to this post, which you can expect to see within the next 7-days. I would've included it here, but again, we DO have a few whiners in the crowd who piss and moan about long posts (and - alas - long comments as well).

So ciao for now, mon amis.



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