Thursday, July 03, 2008

No Country for Young Pugs

.

What did he do to deserve this? Evil was on his tail, and there was no shaking it. If he could only get to a safe place and be afforded enough time to think, he could get himself out of this jam.

But alas, life was never this easy for the Pug.

However he hadn't a clue as to what brought this on. Sure the Pug had found that satchel full of cash in the desert, along with abandoned pickups, corpses and dying Mexicans. But that was a routine occurrence here in the great southwest, and a source of income for many of the locals.


His pursuer was relentless, and not in the flattering, amorous way that he'd come to expect from his bloggers. The females in particular. Not only that, there were those odd quirks. What was the deal with that metal tank the man carried by his side? Why the bad hair, which was laughable even by Canadian and mall salon standards?

It was obvious to the Pug that he had to flee. And quickly. Sparing no time, he hastily packed his belongings and departed the trailer that he'd one day hoped to fix up and share with his beloved Lamby. Now the prospect of hearing her little hooves scrape across the linoleum every morning as she served him breakfast seemed more than ever out of reach.


Little did he know, that a hidden transponder would be tracking his every move from here on out.

Meanwhile, his pursuer continued to be one step behind. A cruel man, he would cooly respond too those who dared to poke fun at his haircut; offering them life or death, depending on the flip of a penny (what was the significance of using a penny?). Those fortunate enough to make the correct call were still provided with a bowl for use as a template as they were forced to cut their hair to match the pursuer's. Neil Young and Liza Minelli were just two of many who were subjected to this humiliation.


The metal tank was soon revealed to contain helium, which the pursuer would use in a particularly sardonic manner. For those who were slated to be killed, the pursuer would calmly and repeatedly insist on knowing the victim's favorite zoo animal. He would use the helium tank to fashion the animal out of balloons. Then he would pop the creation and shoot the victim. It was pointless, really. Much like this post.


Anyhoo.

The Pug zigzagged throughout the great southwest, hoping to throw the pursuer off of his trail long enough to make it to Leelee's shop, where he - like many others - could launder the money, and disappear into the Bermuda Triangle.

But the pursuer was relentless, chasing the Pug to the Mexican border, which was surprisingly easy to cross. Soon the fear of the pursuer temporarily gave way to the lure of Tijuana. The Pug was a huge fan of Herb Alpert and his horny sound, and hoped to encounter the legend in one of the town's few brothels, where Herb was known to give the girls trumpet lessons.


Unfortunately this did not come to pass, as our intrepid canine was immediately contacted upon checking into his hotel. The pursuer had a proposition: if the Pug gave himself up, the pursuer wouldn't harm any of his fellow bloggers. Not even the ones deemed expendable.

The Pug refused.


Sneaking back across the border into the U.S., which was surprisingly easy to do, the Pug made his way to El Paso, which was a pleasant 1-degree cooler. He checked himself into a cheap motel where he was flirted with by a sultry Jmeped, who was lounging by the pool in a topless bikini.


Distracted by the blonde vixen, the Pug's guard (but not his gourd) was down as he entered his room, and he failed to notice his pursuer sitting on the bed. The Pug knew the chase was at an end. Sitting down and resigning himself to his fate, the Pug asked the pursuer why he went to so much trouble over a trivial satchel of cash.

The pursuer explained how this was never about the cash. He hadn't been aware of it in the first place.


He then went on to explain how he had been in a long line at the gas station one rush hour morning, while the Pug was at the front, attempting to pay for his fill-up from a huge jar of pennies. Thirty minutes later, after the Pug had finally departed, everyone in that line - including a County Sheriff - chipped in for the pursuer to track down the Pug and exact justice in the form of a penny-laden enema.


The Pug knew that the region had always been violent. Perhaps he was vain in thinking that his impish personality could somehow make a difference. He now feared for his fellow bloggers, who could easily be tracked down via the Pug's sidebar and eliminated one by one.



.

57 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

I'd like to give a shout-out to my dear Enemy / Cruel Virgin, as she was the inspiration for this insipid homage to a great movie (which she turned me onto in a January 2008 post). You rock!

/t. said...

i, too,
wish to give
a shout-out to enemy,
and to say that i've always found
the whole notion of virginity to be cruel*

as to this post, what can i say... the original film ends rather badly for the hero, so here is to hoping our pug will fare better,
and,
what's wrong with a bowl cut?!?

/t.

* pug would have said this sooner or later, so...

leelee said...

and please don't forget our 2 for 1 specials at leelee's shop. With each purchase of an original painting of Elvis on black velvet, entitles the buyer to an equally luscious black velvet rendition of Dogs Playing Poker. Hours Mon - Fri 11-4.

Thanks Pug for the shout out..I couldn't resist some shameless self promotion!!

HUGS 4 PUGS

Serena Joy said...

What's this?! A new post, you say? Hold on, I need to run outside and make sure the sky isn't falling.

Okay, sky looks good to me. Must be something in the air. Helium, maybe. I'm so distressed to hear you were forced to flee the palatial trailer. I just don't know whatever you will do now, forced into homelessness and eternal running before you've even had your breakfast. I could put up one of those little outbuildings in my back yard for you and Lamby. They make some really cute ones these days. I saw a really darling pink one with 2 windows and even windowboxes that I'm just dying for an excuse to buy. Just give a shout if you run east.

I appreciate your looking out for your fellow bloggers. I must say, though, that all the sky watching was making me tired enough. Now I have to keep looking out for dorky looking but mean men in bad bowl cuts, too. If I see one carrying balloons, I plan to shoot first. I think I'd better go rest now.:)

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Damn. I was waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it. Now it will come across as cheap plagiarism and discredit my good name. Enemy, I want you to know that I'm way more crazier for you than /t. is, what, with the conversion rate and all.

***

Leelee - Promote away, m'lady. The more you make, the quicker we can run away together!

***

Serena - Don't get me wrong. The offer of living in a cozy cottage at the back of your property does sound romantic. And including Lamby just sweetens the deal.

But then I seem to recall that Robert Blake had a similar arrangement for his Bonnie Lee, and we all remember what befell her. So let me think about it. In the meantime please keep the lawnmower out until I decide.

Little Lamb said...

That was most enjoyable especially the part about the man trying to pay for his gas with pennies. That made me laugh.

/t. said...

i most
enjoyed the part
where you make the lamb
serve you mint jelly in bed

/t.

Pink said...

whew - i was worried for a minute about which Canadian you were linking to...what with the bad haircut and all
xx
pinks

Little Lamb said...

/t. the lamb does NOT serve puggy poo mint jelly in bed.

/t. said...

my mistake

/t.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I read the book too--the ending is better than the film; it makes the connection stronger with the actual title of the book.


Anton, was that his name, was one mean sonofabitch, partially because he enjoyed murder not as sadism, but it was his way of administering justice. He was the antithesis of the sherrif who enforced Texas laws. Anton was his own law; it only swayed occasionally with the tossed coin. That is why Llewellyn's wife said the coin didn't matter.

Okay, movie review over. Now as bad as Anton was, I wouldn't mess with the Canadian. He's pretty mean with a helium tank, and he will march to the end of his days hunting the Pug, even if it means stepping foot in America.

Read The Road as well. Another good book by the author.


/t.: What's the good of being a virgin if you can't be cruel about it? And we all are virgins--there always awaits a first time for all of us in something!

Corn Dog said...

Oh no the balloon animal art makes perfect sense. I think. No maybe not. Maybe you have just been snorting gas from the tank, Pug.

dianne said...

Happy 4th of July dearest Pugsy, I hope you have a great day!
I haven't had time to read your new post yet baby but I will later & will leave a comment! xoxox

dianne said...

I dont like the idea of a menacing psychopath with a bad haircut chasing you dearest Puggles with any kind of helium tank or enema!
Where did they hide the transponder I do hope they didn't hurt you and I hope they dont catch you. Run Puggles run, with all of that money to launder there are always plenty of drug lords in South America to help out! xoxo

K9 said...

nice hair cut. what? you had your tail ironed?
was that you on the side of the road with a bolt in your forehead and your gas tank sucked dry? i hope not /grrrr

NYD said...

Really, did you have to bring the Tijuana band leader into this?

So how exactly does it feel to evacuate a bowelful of pennies?

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - The part about trying to pay for gas with pennies is actually true. Some bozo in Denver tried to do it recently (hence the link to that story). Fortunately it wasn't Yours Truly, though. Glad it made you laugh, Lambycakes.

***

/t. - I suspect Lamby can't be made to do anything she doesn't want to do. She has to want to do it. But I certainly wouldn't turn it down!

***

Pinks - You're way too fashionable to be linked in that manner. Now, say, if this were an homage to "Breakfast at Tiffanies", then yes, I'd probably associate you with that story.

***

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley, darling, I found that movie disturbing on so many levels. However, I'm certainly happy with your new post...they are like Christmas...once a year! ;)

But really, you mentioned kissing lessons in a comment at my site...are you sure you're up for it?

XOXO

Crashtest Comic said...

terrible movie--worse book!

I acutally read several works by the author (cormac) & have no love for either .

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - That's right. You tell him. There are many better choices for serving me in bed.

***

/t. - You really got her dander up on that one.

***

Enemy - Now you have me wanting to read the book. I LOVE your movie reviews, so thanks for expanding even further on this one. You are indeed the reason I became so enthused with seeing this film in the first place (also watched "There Will Be Blood" as well). I viewed it awhile ago, and vowed to devote a post to it.

So true on the virgin comment. Now you have me thinking of a list of things that I want to do for the first time!

***

Corn Dog - Now that you mention it, this is why I no longer have a nitrous oxide kit in the Pugmobile.

***

Dianne - Thank you for your concern. I know, it's not so much the other aspects as much as the bad haircut; that really seems to push it too far. I hadn't thought of seeking help from the South American drug lords, so I appreciate the tip. I'm sure they'd take me in under their wing, and protect me and my nest egg. After all, they're renowned for their compassion, right?

***

puerileuwaite said...

k9 - Is it REALLY you? How have you been, buddy? Wow! Between you and Crashtest Comic, this post is turning into a family reunion! All we need now are copious amounts of alcohol and a neighbor's call to the police!

Not to worry. I assure that I remain very much alive, and my tail is still eminently chase-able.

***

NYD - Well it was either him or The Carpenters, but being that I WAS in Tijuana, Herb Alpert was the logical choice.

And to answer your question, evacuating a bowelful of pennies requires being adaptable to change.

***

Sassy - It was indeed disturbing. Maybe that's why I dug it. What can I say? Maybe I'm a sick puppy!

I know. I need to find SOME WAY to post more often. I need to start of them in advance, maybe, so I have the next one already written.

And to answer your last question: sure! I have plenty of Chapstick left over from my last Performance Review, so all I need is to pick up a case of Breath Strips!

***

Crash - You're ALIVE! Yay! Color me shocked. Not only for the rare sighting, but also for the panning. I thought for sure the film/book would be right up your alley. You, my friend, are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a sausage casing.

***

dianne said...

Just a suggestion dear Pugsy, I thought they would be the lesser of two evils,well maybe not but I wouldn't like to find you by the side of the road with a bolt through your forehead! xoxox

leelee said...

"You, my friend, are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a sausage casing."


LOLOLOLOLOL

/t. said...

ok

no country
for old men:

the real low down

what kind of 'weapon of choice' is a 'captive bolt pistol' -- a cattle stun gun (of sorts) -- for a professional assassin?

i mean, kind of bulky and heavy with that stupid compessed air tank, not to mention hard to conceal... and entirely useless at a distance greater than about 1/4 of an inch!

if i saw this idiot coming for me, then i'd just take a few steps back and wait for him to tire of carrying his tank -- then i'd hit him in the head with a soup bowl

the coen bros are great, but this movie sucks -- pug's version is better

/t.

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley, my precious, I prefer the flavored Chapstick...

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - I must admit that I've never had a woman say that to me before. At least not sober, anyway. I'm already quite smitten with your new icon, so that already gives you a slight edge on /t. You have more than just my attention! So I plan to dedicate a post to you. But as many of my long-suffering readers will attest, you shouldn't hold your breath!

***

Leelee - If you want to know the truth (and after all, who DOESN'T from me?) , that just came to me. But now in retrospect, it REALLY applies to Crash, does it not?

***

/t. - I absolutely LOVED your review, buddy. I was thinking the same thing, but was afraid to say anything ... especially in front in this audience, where it's so difficult to reveal my feelings, for fear that they couldn't possibly understand.

I did enjoy the movie, and do want to read the book, but I agree that the ending could have been more gratifying. At least in Fargo, there was a sense of justice served.

***

Sassy - Should it be about the flavor? Or should it be about the passion?

(p.s. - you ARE on the short list. That much, I can say. But in this case, the FEWER references you have, the better.)

;-)

dianne said...

/t. I just love your comment LOL you are so funny and I agree,what sort of a dolt would carry that around as a weapon of choice, highly impractical. :)

It is the worst Coen bros. movie I have ever seen, yes Puggles version is so much better & more entertaining. I wonder what he could do with 'O Brother where art thou'? :)

Puggles my dearest, what did I say that was so nice, I always have your best interest & safety at heart? <3 If you want to dedicate a post to me that would be super but I'm sure you have many more interesting topics to choose from. So you like my Avatar,thanks, that is a photo of me taken last year. :)

leelee said...

It's perfect P..that's why it was so funny!

HUGS!

Enemy of the Republic said...

K9 and Crash--are you blogging again? crash, the book was good, but The Road is better. The film was good, not great and the ending sucked. Both No Country and There Will Be Blood had power because of the acting that the script. Daniel Day-Lewis is God.

Yeah, it is a bit like a family reunion.

JMEPED said...

Oh thank God you found her. I have been searching for my Icon I should have known you had her stashed in hopes of my return for her.

I do hope your story ends better than the movie...At least you know I'll rub your belly pool side.

dianne said...

I was just re thinking my advice to you Puggles, my dearest canine fantasy, I should have advised you to take refuge somewhere else.
What was I thinking, if those drug lords got hold of you my sweet they would take all of your money and you would end up floating in the Caribbean somewhere or worst still wearing a cement suit at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico!

limpy99 said...

Don't tell me I waded all the way through that and Billy Mays isn't going to get shot in the head!?

Life is so unfair.

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - " 'O Brother, Where Art Thou? " may be a tall order. There are certain things in life that should never be reattempted. My list would certainly include any of Freddy Mercury's musical performances, and possibly the aforementioned film. Fargo? Raising Arizona? Both are way more feasible. But for you: I shall give it some thought ...

And yes, I dig your avatar. Don't ever change.

***

Leelee - Thanks! Every dog has his day, er, comment, I suppose. Hugs back!

***

Enemy - I agree. Good-to-great performances can improve any script. I learned that from dating!

And I too am enjoying the reunion in these comments. It's not easy giving your fellow bloggers up for ... Lord, who knows? They don't write ... they don't call ... I get worried sick ... oh, why I EVEN bother is beyond me.

***

Jmeped - I've been taking good care of her as I awaited the day that her rightful owner would be back to claim her. Much in the manner that the boys took good care of the ransom money in "Dumb and Dumber", only with more "harassment" involved.

***

Dianne - I thought you'd NEVER offer. Okay, I just need my shots and the required quarantine period, and then I'll be right over! If anyone can make (they can't) an honest pug of me, you can.

***

Limpy - Sorry, buddy. That scene wound up on the editing room floor. It would have revealed how the pursuer originally acquired the captive bolt gun: as the latest product that Billy was hawking. And of course - due to popular demand - Billy would've became it's first victim. But Enemy forced me to commit to a Billy-free post ... so I had to cave in to sponsor demand.

limpy99 said...

HAVE YOU EVER FOUND YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU DESPERATELY NEEDED TO SHOOT SOMEONE IN THE HEAD, BUT ALL YOU HAD WAS SOME COMPRESSED AIR, A BAD HAIRCUT AND A HANDFUL OF BOLTS!?!? I'M BILLY MAYS, AND I'M HERE WITH A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM!!! IT'S THE NEW...

-BLAM-!!

Thud.

~Fin~

dianne said...

Oh Puggles, no pressure you can do a review of any movie your dear heart desires and I'm sure your posting would be so much more entertaining than the original movie. :)
If you decide to come and visit me you would be so welcome my sweet, but remember you have so many others to love as well as me, see no jealousy here. I can see that you could never be a one woman gentlepug. :)
I wouldn't want to change one thing about you, you are exciting and I love your flirtatious ways. <3
xoxox

dianne said...

And you are just so cute! ;)

JMEPED said...

I suppose that's ok as long as you cleaned up after...

Pink said...

hi

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy - At least there's Oxiclean to clean up the blood! Thank goodness for Oxiclean!

***

Dianne - Sure there are others, but no one seems to understand and appreciate my innocence and sensitivity like you do. This threatens my cuteness. Plus, some would force me to go to church, while others would force me to behave. They tend to forget that I'm a rebel and a runner.

***

Pinks - Hi back!

puerileuwaite said...

Hey! I just thought of something! Maybe I can get ANOTHER, NEW post out in the next day or two!

Sassy Blondie said...

Pugsley, sweet thing, please don't tease us with the promise of a "new post" unless you are prepared to follow through.

I need follow through.

XOXO

dianne said...

I wouldn't make you go to church or behave Puggles my sweet thing, I want you just the way you are - a rebel - and a little bit naughty!! ;)

GirlGoyle said...

I don't think I approve of you leaving the little pug to fend for himself in the desert. Though I"m impressed by how he managed this adventure. They do say good things come in small doses....

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Thanks for the incredibly insane joy reading this had given me.

The Phosgene Kid said...

No Country for Small Dogs

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy - I'll tell you the same thing that I told the Golf Pro: "when I follow through, I end up hooking".

I'm better at "closure", though, if that helps any.

I've also been know to "follow up", with a call the next afternoon.

***

Dianne - Wait. NO church, AND you WON'T try to change me? Wow! You are amazing! This strange feeling I have, must be similar to discovering that "dry land is not a myth" in the movie "Waterworld"! I need to get my passport in order.

***

Girlgoyle - If V.D. comes in large doses, and pennicillin comes in small doses, this would also help confirm your theory.

***

Saintly Nick - Thanks. It's good to see you again. Say hello to Alex, and remind him to be good.

***

Phosgene Kid - Maybe, maybe not. We pugs are scrappers. We're also crappers, which is perfect for a desert environment.

***

UPDATE: Still hoping to get that new post out today (may be later on, depending).

Corn Dog said...

Pug. Post. Pug. Post. Pug. Post.

/t. said...

no posties
for young pug...

/t.

Serena Joy said...

I'm not seeing any new post. Promises, promises...

puerileuwaite said...

Corn Dog - Thanks to your super cheer, thy will be done.

***

/t. - More than just posties, consider this new one: "post toasties".

***

Serena - Normally I don't lie to women. (Wait. I think I hear thunder close by. Here, let me go inside.) Like I was saying, I "usually" don't lie to women. (I just saw lightning. Here, let me step away from the window.) Okay, so as I was mentioning, I "try" not to lie to women. (Oh crap. You know what? I'd better hide in the storm cellar until this thing blows over. Bye for now.)

Serena Joy said...

Mmm-hmm. You be careful, now, dodging those lightning bolts. Pugs, being built low to the ground, are fairly susceptible when one of those bolts really wants to zap you.:-)

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - That's why my, ahem, "special parts", are all scarred up. But let's keep the truth a secret. I tell everybody else it's from running through cactus fields.

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