Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Democratic Convention - Special Report #1

.

Hi everybody,

I'm interrupting my regularly scheduled programming for a special report from the Democratic Convention, which opened last night in Denver. No time for pictures: I'm on deadline, people!

[Editor's Note: I added some photos for that lazy shit reporter. - Black Bart, Editor-In-Chief]

Unfortunately I was not able to attend, but did happen to be in an "adult" establishment that was piping in a feed from one of the cable channels. I couldn't hear the audio and was frequently distracted by females curious about my laptop, so my following impressions are based purely on lip-reading ability and an uncanny knack for intense, occasional focus.


Nancy Pelosi (D - California) opened the convention by extolling the benefits of a Reverse Mortgage, and how every American was entitled to a free gold kit. Nancy clearly demonstrated that she was still a "looker" for her age, and she will make a fine addition to my "D.I.L.F." list. Instead of being hung-over, the sparse crowd actually hung on her every word, since the first hour was a wee bit early for the alcohol "downslope", even by politico timetables.

In this way, she was not unlike the opening act in 1969 at Altamont Speedway, warming up the placid, law-abiding audience for the rock stars to follow. The attire and hairstyles of those in attendance served to reinforce the connection between past and present. Perhaps the only tangible difference was the abundance of crack pipes and the notable absence of Hells Angels.


Next up was Michelle Obama, who was introduced by her brother (who thankfully neither resembled nor behaved like Billy Carter). Mrs. Obama is a very striking woman, and she was absolutely regal in her delightfully form-fitting green dress. I could certainly get behind her message.

A video montage prior to the future First Lady's introduction illustrated her "Janet Jackson-like" metamorphosis over the years, from chubby female "Webster-clone" to "All For You" nubile hottie. My mind drifted to thoughts of Justin Timberlake gayly, patiently and mediocrely standing by her side throughout her speech in anticipation of a revealing finale. But regrettably and tastefully, it wasn't in the tarot cards.

So instead, Ms. Obama provided us with a powerful, emotional speech, recounting sacrifices* (* mostly of the non-human variety, which served as a refreshing counterpoint to the Clintons) made, values learned, and hopes for our future. She repeatedly emphasized how all people should be treated with dignity and respect even if they probably don't deserve it; including Republicans, frequenters of this blog, and Lamby in particular.


She went on to say that she learned tolerance while growing up on the south side of Chicago; where blonde, mostly-white Republicans with sweaters draped over their shoulders would drive by in Mustang convertibles blaring Beach Boys tunes. It would have been so easy to give into hate, but she chose the higher path of compassion, personal growth, belief in a greater purpose and the distant promise of Hair Metal.

Perhaps it was fitting that any revenge would be divinely exacted in the form of the Beach Boy's later efforts, such as "Kokomo", and of course in Ford's bloated Mustang designs of the 70's and 80's.

Lady Obama went on to explain Barack's background and how - contrary to what Republicans would like you to believe - he was not an elitist child of privilige.


Sure he grew up in Hawaii. But this wasn't the island paradise of today that we would readily recognize from the postcards of lucky bastards who get to go there and then rub it in. No, this was the "hard-scrabble" Hawaii of New Jersey-esque pineapple mills, hula-skirt factories, and scuba-equipped aquatic chaingangs. This was a union-thug, Papillion-tormenting, pre-Don Ho circle of hell that no self-respecting Japanese tourist would visit.

It was a swirling tan-or be tanned, riptide of tropical cruelty and certainly no place to raise or even accidently conceive a child.


And so, eventually a still-youthful Obama learned to time the waves, noting how every 7th one would sway a makeshift coconut catamaran away from this foul place and eventually carry him to that paradise known to the natives simply as "Chicago". It was there that he met Michelle during her Rhythm Nation phase, and became enthralled. Though she was initially repulsed, Barack plied her with his Urkel-like looks and charm, eventually talking his way into her "oval office".


Together, they encountered more adversity on the path to the promised land, with the idiot waiter at Chotchkie's (who would make annoying "dual-machine-guns firing simultaneously" gestures while repeating his first name, staccato-style) being just one example. But they overcame all, including incessant death threats from Hillary at all hours.

Well that's all I have time for, for now. Being in a hurry, I'm sure it's chock full of grammatical errors, although I do guarantee its accuracy. So consider this as Report #1 from your Special (Education) Correspondent, Pug "Scoop" Puerileuwaite.

And now, as "The Cisco Kid" would say, "Adios, amigos! See you real soon with Part-II !"


,

78 comments:

Little Lamb said...

I'm impressed with your take on the democratic convention. I didn't know Nancy would be there.

/t. said...

finally!

at last a take
on american politics
that even a canadian can understand

a first rate report, inspector pug scoop!

/t.

ps -- i didn't know the obama's knew LL -- if i was voting, for sure it'd be for a...

Enemy of the Republic said...

LOL at /t.


Sorry, Pug, but it was funny.

I may not be visiting much--thanks for your comment--I knew you would understand.

/t. said...

LOL
at enemy!

not that it was that funny,
but this is

/t.

leelee said...

That was great...all except the use of the words New Jersey-esque, as if NJ was NOT a nice place..

hrmphf!

Other than that I loved it. I'll give it an 8..it had a great beat to dance to.

HUGS 4 PUGS!

GirlGoyle said...

I sort of purposefully missed the convention so I much appreciate the update. I'm sure yours is a pretty accurate recount of what went of. Or at least is tusrely was a de-facto interpretation of between the lines of what was actually said.

Pugs for Pres!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Thank you. I probably grasp politics more often than I should. I just wish all the Nancys were there (Wilson, Sinatra, Drew ... even Reagan). That would make it even more special for me.

***

/t. - Thanks buddy. And we don't have to check with England everytime we make a change (at least not to my knowledge ... unless the conspiracy theorists are right). We just have to secretly make sure a handful of extremely rich folks is "comfortable" with the proceedings.

And who doesn't know Little Lamb? Down here, she's a fluffy "Ferris Buehler".

***

Enemy - I now have no doubt that you two are tighter and in cahoots on a scale that puts Bush, Cheney and the Saudis to shame.

And yes, I do understand. I will never get over the loss of the real Pug who inspired this blog (and my blogger persona).

***

/t. - See? I knew Enemy was Viagra for your ego! North America may soon enough prove too small to contain it. We may have to work out some sort of exchange with the Chinese.

***

Leelee - Oops? Did I use New Jersey? THE Garden State? I am SO sorry. I meant Delaware. So save an apologetic slow dance for me.

Thanks for the 8. It's one of my favorite numbers, especially when I turn it on its side and put dots in the middles.

***

Girlgoyle - Thank you. I'm starting to wonder if it's a gift from above (or a curse from below). Maybe I'm just a cuter version of that kid from "The Sixth Sense", only my gift applies to politics because it's more gratifying and slightly less creepy.

Funny you should mention the last thing ... I'm wondering if enough bloggers would be willing to vote for little ol' humble me.

/t. said...

enemy
is viagra

OK!

/t.

foam said...

you are very good at lip reading it seems ..

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I thought she was Patty Smith (I adore Patty Smith).

***

Foam - Thanks. You may have recently seen my work on one of the cable channels; where I was called upon to translate what Hitler was saying in all of those silent home movies Eva Braun took at the Wolf's Lair. Turns out, if he wasn't so despicably evil, he could have been the German Seinfeld.

Pud said...

I didn't watch the Democratic convention. I'm glad you gave us all the cliff note version.

puerileuwaite said...

Pug - Then you'd really enjoy receiving a love letter from me. Those make Cliff's Notes look like "War and Peace".

leelee said...

;-)

foam said...

so, that was you then ..
who knew?

Little Lamb said...

I got another mention in one of your posts. Thank you. I'm honored.

Serena Joy said...

Do whatever you have to do to keep Black Bart upright and working so you can continue to report the highlights of the Convention. With pictures. This way, I don't have to watch.:)

Sassy Blondie said...

My goodness...after all that, I hope you changed your panties....

NYD said...

Well I feel certain that by the time part II comes around Nancy Pelosi will be sitting comfortably in the Oval office...on Hellery's lap

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - That was by design. People* (* outside of Idaho) would apparently find it creepy to learn that I'd been sitting in a darkened room watching Nazi home movies each day. So I had to keep the project under wraps. Unfortunately it changed me. Now I have to go to counseling for my Eva Braun fixation.

***

Lamby - You just seem to pop in there as I'm writing this stuff. I can't control it, and maybe I don't want to.

***

Serena - Black Bart only agreed to serve as Editor, after I mentioned that it's one of the last remaining professions where drinking on the job is actually encouraged. So keeping him upright is way more of a challenge than you'd think. But so far, so good; so there may be a Part-II after all. Then we wait for our shot to pounce on the Republicans.

***

Sassy - I only change them when they start feeling more crusty than silky. So don't judge me.

***

NYD - I am on a quest today to prove you wrong. Besides, if anyone winds up on Hillary's lap, it'll be Yours Truly.

foam said...

if you want to, i'll take a rolled up newspaper and smack that fixation out of you ..

Little Lamb said...

Well, if I pop up in a post, I pop up.

boneman said...

I'm sorry...did Lil lamb say she was popped?
I didn't take her for a big time drinking girl.
Oh well, live and learn.

About the deer urine...uh, I think maybe Phos could use some help from you, Pug.
Maybe.
Well, in this case, you should ask first, I think.

But, if I understand this correctly, hunters dose themselves with deer urine in order to attract deers? (that sounds odd, somehow)
Well, Phos has been hunting dogs lately, and might be in the market for a.... er.... dose (?)

The reason you migt want to ask, first, though, is he has a rifle.

From what I understand, he's not the best shot around (the prarie dogs aren't even fearful of him) but, if you're close enough to....er....dose him up around the ankles and such.....well, he mighght hit you with the rifle.

dianne said...

I dont know much about your politics Puggles my love and after reading this I'm even more confused...
So Nancy Pelosi that mature woman you find hot has just announced that Obama has been elected to run for President for the Democrats, with Joe Byden as his running mate. Now I see McCain has the Republican vote to run for President and has chosen the Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate. So what happens next and where does Hillary fit into this scenario, apart from in your fantasies? :) xoxox

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - I want. Very much. It is much more "exciting" and way less costly than traditional counseling.

***

Lamby - Way to be pragmatic, and let the lamb chips fall where they may.

***

Boneman - I did. There's no way blogging can be her only vice. I'm just hoping there's not many more than two.

Regarding your second topic, I'm currently perfecting "Pug Stealth" technology.

***

Dianne - Consider this a RARE, serious look at my political leanings. Spending too much time on this topic is annoying, and seems to (understandably) drive folks away. I prefer to blog for fun / there's other blogs for serious political discussion.

Though I've been having fun at the expense of the Democrats, consider me one. Bush, Cheney, McCain and the rest of the "rich getting richer at the expense of the greater good" idiots have soured me on the Republican party.

Sarah Palin (who is very unimpressive) is a boneheaded attempt to capture Hillary voters. He would have been better off choosing Michael Palin from Monty Python.

Hillary of course lost to Obama in the Democratic primaries (the primaries decide who will run for each of the 2-major parties), but threw her support behind Obama during her DNC speech this past week; encouraging ALL of her supporters to vote for Obama in the 11/7 General Election.

'Nuff said on that topic.

(No more serious politics, please!)

..................... said...

WHACK!

..................... said...

oh .. that's me in my dark foam disguise ..

dianne said...

Thanks Puggles my dear and yes we will leave the political hysteria to other Blogs, for this place is for fun & laughter. :) xxoxoxox

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Was it good for you too? Wait. Don't answer. I can tell by your smile that indeed it was.

(p.s. - I know your dark disguise very well. We can't be rainbows and sunshine all the time ... Lamby being the exception of course.)

***

Dianne - Oh, if only that were true (on both counts, I'm afraid). You see, I still have to finish and post "DNC - Special Report #2" today ... just to prove NYD wrong. And then I feel compelled to produce at least one report on the RNC, before I can move on. So there goes the fun and laughter (unless there's a sidebar widget for pumping out Nitrous Oxide). But thank you for being so sweet. xoxoxox

foam said...

it was my pleasure ..

JMEPED said...

Look at you, who knew you were a scoop in the making. I fell in and out of sleep during the convention, the only thing that kept me up was Hillary's way of commencement speech screeching, and you got me to read a whole post about it.

dianne said...

Well good luck Puggles my sweet with part #2 of your Special Report...if it gets too stressful for you meet me back at the tent. ;) xoxoxox

K9 said...

i love the smoking obama photo. i think that would make a good replacement for the "official seal" instead the big OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

drink up!

please use YOUR oval office to pinch back the business killing taxes that are driving us to the hula skirt salt mines of the maldives.

Helene (aka Kate) said...

lol to your comment about getting behind Mrs Obama in that dress...
lol to /t's comment!
loved that episode of Friends!

I will be back for your take on the RNC! Can hardly wait! hehehe

Have a great weekend my pugalicious friend

dianne said...

Have a lovely weekend Puggles my sweet, you are very special to me. If you have time pop over to see me I have a surprise for you. :) xoxox

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - Surprisingly enough, I \don't hear those words as often as I should. So thanks.

***

Jmeped - Anyone can become a "Scoop". You just have to be able to find the shit. But wait. Do I truly have the power to get you to do things? In that case I'll be right over with my list.

***

Dianne - It's SO stressful, I think I'd much prefer to never leave the tent.

***

K9 - Maybe Obama had the blues that day. But it is a cool photo, provided it's genuine.

Taxes on small business owners is a big doggy don't. I want you to have every chance to build your business into the next Enron. Oops, perhaps that's a bad example.

***

Kate - Glad somebody caught it. I worked hard on that line. What you don't see in that photo of her, is that she has a nice tushy.

I didn't realize /t. was quoting "Friends". I may have to put him on probation for that. He should know better.

Funny you should mention the RNC ... you may want to check back later then.

Glad to see you again, gorgeous. You too.

***

Dianne - Aw shucks. Glad that no one is here to see me blushing right now (it would tarnish my image). Thank you and likewise, m'lady. I love the use of the word "special" without "needs" following it for once. I've already been over there to ogle and lust. xxx

/t. said...

didn't realize
i was quoting friends
either

but if lovely blue kate says it's so, then that's good enough for me

i throw myself on your mercy

/t.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Are you going to post on the Republican C? I made my return to the blog world, posting on Sarah Palin who I didn't know anything about until 24 hours ago and folks are going nuts. Even at work, no one will shut up about her.

boneman said...

so....now that you're on the more regular blog ride, now, I suspect you'll be throwing up a new post anyday, now.
Or, just throwing up...
I just wanted to say thanx.
You are a calming influence, friend.
Even though we ended up going the other way.

Heck, I have a temoper, but the danged thing makes me do stupid things like throw away my blogs.
Duh...just spent all that time making them good, then they turned massive, then Annalys helped me trim them then the brain fart.
(that's what my friend calls a brain fart, what I did. Sounds about right...just comes out in a blurt and stinks)

I was just about to close it up again.
Then I saw your words and was impressed.

Never knew a smarter dog.
And i've known some smart dogs.

Steak for Pug!

boneman said...

well, and you looked so damned cute in that wig.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - In that case I've decided on a forgiving, Catholicism inspired penance. Listen to "I'll Be There for You" 10-times as you track your progress with a rosary.

***

Enemy - Welcome back. Unfortunately, yes. I am required by law to give them equal abuse. Sorry. And Sarah Smile will be included in my report.

***

Boneman - I am very pleased that you both have decided to work on mending things. That was my wish, though when I wrote my comment, I didn't think that was possible. This was a really nice surprise.

And of course your blogs are yours to do with as you please, though I'm glad to see you keep it going. Because frankly, I enjoy your artistry (painting, writing, humor, blogging style, etc.), and find your blog refreshingly fun.

Thanks for the kind words, buddy.

And sorry to reveal my narcism, but I do look friggin' hot in that wig; probably the pick of that particular litter, despite my trashiness.

**¤ ¤** said...

now all you have to do is wear that wig With that rainslicker from down below ..
that would be a WoW!

puerileuwaite said...

**¤ ¤** - Great. Thanks for spilling the beans on my Fall Fashion plans. I was going to add dark sunglasses, accessorize with a razor knife, and call it "Dressed to Kill", after one of my favorite movies. Back to the drawing board.

Serena Joy said...

Geez, Puggy, are you ever going to get to the 'publicans?:)

Aunty Belle said...

Hilarious!! Oh! Wis't I'd gotten heah sooner fer the shootin'. Dang good writin'!

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Aw geez ... do I really have to? Don't they get enough good press already? Okay ... you win. But I need a little more time, as I've been slammed lately; but regrettably not by an amorous female larger than myself.

***

Aunty Belle - Welcome!!! I of course remember you through K9's blog. It's good to have you here. Thank you for the kind words. But don't worry about missing anything: I seem to attract gunfire on a frequent basis.

dianne said...

Good luck with your 'new' Fall Fashion plans you sweet thing, cant wait to see you all dressed to kill. :) xoxoxox

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - Thank you gorgeous. Unfortunately the police found out about my plans and warned that dressing to kill clearly shows probable intent. So I may have to settle for being "Dressed to Jaywalk". Hopefully you'll still be waiting there to see me on the far side of the street, provided I make it across.

..................... said...

sorry pub
but i can't help myself ..
i'm gonna write what came to mind after reading your comment to dianne ..
how bouts .. dressed to flash?

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - They can't prove that was me. Lots of pugs probably have that same outfit and disregard for "proper" society.

/t. said...

it's that
rebel attitude
lambie likes most
about you, pug... that
and the fact you're almost housebroken

/t.

dianne said...

I will be waiting my love... ;) xoxox

dianne said...

OK Foamie, 'dressed to flash', that would do it for me as well. Lol
:) xoxoxo

And on a serious note my wise sweet Puggles, thank you for your calming influence and wise advice in the matter mentioned before.
I dont like disharmony or like losing friends and I never hold grudges, life is too short for bitterness I will always try to mend a rift even if it means humbling myself. I think we are OK now. :)

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I knew it! Now if only I could figure out a way to keep her fluffy goodness on the back of my bike, without her constantly flying off and collecting road grime ...

***

Dianne - Yay. Now folks will know for sure the punchline to "Why did the Pug cross the road?".

And I'm also glad at your reaction to my alleged flashing. Now I need you to convince the Ladies' Rotary Club to drop all charges.

And finally, I'm happy at that particular outcome. Life's too short for petty B.S. anyway.

***

UPDATE: I am feverishly working on completion of the next post installment. Thanks everyone for your patience. Stay tuned! Could be later tonight!

K9 said...

grrrrherhahahaha
you made me laugh with that pug "john barleycorn must die" puerileuwaite. grrrrrherhahaha thats my favorite sting diss of ALL TIME. grrherhahahaha

you want me to build my business into a monster like enron? from your lips to Gods ears! grrhahaha

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

k9 - Thanks. I REALLY needed that, and I've missed you, friend. I wish you all the best in your new venture, and only wish I had that direct line to exploit on your behalf.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Please do a post on Palin. Only you and /t. can find the humor for us to somehow struggle on...

/t. said...

LOL
@ enemy!

:)

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - Maybe. We'll see. I get burnt out on blogging about politics fairly quickly, so no promises. But thanks for the compliment, even if you did have to lump /t. in.

***

/t. - D'oh! get a chat room, you two!

dianne said...

Puggles my love, I am beginning to suspect that there is some dangerous liaison going on between enemy & /t.
What do you think? :) xoxoxo

/t. said...

LOL
@ dianne!

:)

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - It has all the makings of a classic border-double-cross. How can we trust Canadians when they choose to embrace our enemies?

***

/t. - Stay on this continent please.

puerileuwaite said...

Update: Sorry for the delay. "Special Report #2" should finally be ready in a day or so ...

K9 said...

still havent pinched it out? eat some grass!

puerileuwaite said...

K9 - You try making Al Gore funny. It ain't easy.

foam said...

lol
@ k9 ..!

Serena said...

You seriously need to hurry it up! The Republican candidate is no spring chicken, you know.

dianne said...

Lol @ K9, Serena, Foam and t/.

I'm all overcome my sweet, I see a bit of naked male flesh and I'm trying to entice Boney into his barn, you want to visit my boudoir and see me naked as well, I'm having impure thoughts and hot flushes. What am I to do?
Be still my beating heart! ;) xoxoxoxo

/t. said...

hey pug,

thought you'd
be interested to know
about this bunch of (pug, likely) scientists building a giant particle collider that can take a (not too) small particle and repeatedly collide it with another in the hopes of creating something like a big bang

i knew you'd want to know

/t.

ps -- LOL @ k9, foam, serena the joyous, and dianne of the heated

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - I prefer to laugh WITH k9. It's more "PC", and doesn't set her off nearly as much.

***

Serena - You're right. He's more of a Dodo.

***

Dianne - That maked TWO of us wanting to entice Boney into the barn. Only in MY case, I plan to then convince the authorities to surround it and reenact the final hours of John Wilkes Booth.

Do hot flushes swirl the opposite direction "down under"? Inquiring Pugs want to know.

***

/t. - My "little future pugs" do that already as they reach critical mass.

Did you see the picture of the collider being inspected? It's the pic making the rounds on the 'net, pointing out that ONE of the inspectors looks like the dude from "Half-Life".

dianne said...

No 'inquiring' Pug my love , my hot flushes dont swirl, I blush all over when I think of you! :) xoxoxo

puerileuwaite said...

Okay, as long as it doesn't break out in a rash, I guess I'm good with it. I get blamed for enough things as it is (global warming, etc.).

boneman said...

oh...I see.
A MONTHLY blog.
Yeah...that'll give you so much exra time....

Little Lamb said...

Puggy? do you know what happened to Corn Dog? Did she leave us? I don't see her on your side bar anymore. How come?

Inquiring lambs want to know.

dianne said...

No my precious it wont break out into a rash and no pressure from me, I know a handsome pug like yourself has many female admirers to satisfy and to please. :) xoxoxox

dianne said...

I was just thinking about you and your 'Fall Fashion' plans, I think you would 'dressed to thrill'! :) xoxox

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Boneman - Extra time? Not hardly. It's more a case of not having any quality time left over for my non-quality blogging.

***

Lamby - Corndog deleted her blog. That is why it's no longer on the Pugroll.

***

Dianne - It's the story of my life. So many to satisfy, so little to satisfy with.

Ain't that the truth. My entire wardrobe seems geared for the fall ... Halloween in particular.

***

UPDATE: Come heck or high water ... the new post should be out in the next day or so (And I REALLY REALLY mean it this time! I'm not jerking your chains on this!).