Friday, August 08, 2008

News by the Foot

.
Hi everybody,

I'm interrupting my usual steady stream of posts with a painful, festering story fresh out of the creepy Pacific Northwest. This will not only help quench your thirst for tidbits in the "Twin Peaks" motif, but should also allow Yours Truly to hone my mad topical commentary skillz in the Lamby posting style.

The practice can only help in my quest to serve as guest news commentator on MSNBC's Morning Joe, and get me "restraining order" close to Mika Brzezinski, with whom I may or may not be infatuated. Enjoy.

***

Human foot in shoe washes up on Washington beach
Officials examine whether find is linked to others found on Canadian coast

updated 7:55 a.m. MT, Tues., Aug. 5, 2008

PORT ANGELES, Wash. - An athletic shoe containing a human foot was found on a Washington state beach, and authorities are investigating whether it may be linked to a series of human feet found in shoes along the coast of British Columbia.

It could be just a coincidence.

Undersheriff Ron Peregrin said Monday that the King County medical examiner determined the foot was human and detached from its body naturally after floating in the water.

I mentioned to Undersheriff Peregrin how I can attest to that. My appendages come loose all the time while swimming. Sometimes things from inside are also involuntarily expelled. I asked if he could use his clout to convince the people at the Water Park to give me another chance. I then inquired why he was Undersheriff, since he was apparently "almost" named after the majestic, soaring falcon; to which he replied that Sheriff Paul Eagle was in charge.

Peregrin said the foot will be sent for a forensic investigation, including DNA testing to see if it matches feet found washed ashore in British Columbia. Results are expected to take six to eight weeks.

In a closely related development, I'm currently working with both David Lynch and the Disney people on an updated version of "Snow White". In this installment, she plays a Forensic Detective who finds love while matching up feet. In the final, dramatic scene, the man she loves (who is also a Forensic Detective, but doesn't know that she is too) bursts through the door holding the other, matching foot (to the chagrin of her evil step-sisters, who both possess obviously unrelated feet in crappy Walmart bargain-bin shoes) in the same high-end Nike.

Authorities said a woman told the Clallam County sheriff's office on Saturday that she found the black, high-top shoe along the beach on the Strait of Juan de Fuca, about 30 miles west of Port Angeles.

The woman stated that as she was getting ready to depart the beach, she arose from a prone position to put her Crocs on. It was then that she noticed the foot and black high-top right next to her own footwear.

Five athletic shoes containing human feet have been found along the Strait of Georgia between Vancouver Island and the British Columbia mainland since August 2007. The Strait of Juan de Fuca separates the Canadian island and Washington's Olympic Peninsula.

According to detectives, this appears to indicate that anywhere from 2.5 to 5 people may have been affected. A further analysis of the sizes and specific models of shoes should help determine the actual number of people involved.

A sixth foot found in June in British Columbia was determined to be an animal paw that had been shoved inside a shoe as a hoax. "We're a little apprehensive since the last one was a hoax," said Detective Sgt. Lyman Moores.

I mentioned to Detective Moores that the word "hoax" had already been used in the previous sentence. Appearing to be irate, he curtly responded that I frequently reuse the same tired words and phrases in my posts. To which I replied that my blog is not part of the investigation, but thank you for being a regular reader. Then I asked if this could be deemed a "cruel" hoax, and if anyone was "apprehensive" prior to the discovery of the animal paw. At that point he requested that I move on to my next interview.

DNA testing linked one of the Canadian feet to a depressed man who went missing a year ago. Investigators have also concluded that two of the five feet belonged to one man and that one foot was from a woman.

Amazed at this new development, I approached Detective Moores once again, inquiring if indeed it was true that DNA testing can now determine nationality and a person's state of mind. I also ran my own theory by him that the man and woman could have been engaged in an "old movie" kissing embrace when the feet were severed. The woman's other foot would have been up in the air, explaining the absence of her second foot. At this point I was handcuffed and led to a patrol car.

British Columbia coroner Jeff Dolan has said there was no evidence the feet were severed. Experts say that when a human body is submerged in the ocean, the arms, legs, hands, feet and head usually come off the body.

I mentioned to Coroner Dolan that this is probably why mobsters prefer to use oil drums when disposing of bodies (so that everything stays close together). He suggested that I run this by Detective Moores.

.

28 comments:

/t. said...

wicked
sense of humor :)

HA HAHA AHHA AHA HAH AHA HAHA AHA HA HA AH AH HA HAHA AHA HA HAH AHA AHA HAHA HA HA AHA HA AHA HAH AH HA AH HAH AHA HA HA HAH HA AH HA HAHA AHA HA HAH AHA AHA HAHA HA HA AHA HA AHA AHA HA AHA HAH HAH AH HA AH HAH AHA HA HA HAH AHA HA HA HAH HA AH HA HAHA AHA HA HAH HA HAHA AHA HAH AHHA HAHA HAH HAH AH HA HA HAH HA HA!

i'd offer a hand, but given the circumstances... hope you make bail soon!

/t.

JMEPED said...

"old movie" kissing! That's the best theory I've heard yet. Let me know if you need a carton of smokes to trade for your virgin ass, or a shim made out of a spork hidden in a little debbie snack cake. (as I don't bake) (for free)

Sassy Blondie said...

Feet? They are finding feet?? WTF?! Just because they fall off in the water doesn't mean the police shouldn't be concerned, right? Now if there were penises washing up in high top athletic shoes, I think more panic might ensue...

Men...

Enemy of the Republic said...

Stuff like this happens in Chicago all the time.

dianne said...

Lol! Where do you get this stuff from? I'm glad that they concluded that only 'two' of the feet came from the one man, unless he was fortunate enough to have some spares! Hahaha! I think they should be more concerned about the animal paw.
I warned you before about getting thrown in jail & what would happen to you my precious;I think you will need more than a carton of cigarettes to save your cute little ass! :)

Serena Joy said...

Stray feet? Eee-yew! And they're not even in cute shoes. Eeeee-yew! I'm a little scared to come there just in case the killer decides to start using good looking shoes, but I'll do it if you need bail money. Or cigarettes. Or, depending on who your cellmate is, cute shoes.:-)

Enemy of the Republic said...

There's a health beverage made with Kombacha--I drink two daily. My son and my husband said that it was made from old smelly feet. Did you influence the males of my household with this post? Soon Muffin will be showing attitude--he already is demanding the same food as the kitten and she's still growing.

I don't believe in coincidences, Pug. You had a hand in this, yes?

NYD said...

I'm sorry I just can't believe it.

This story doesn't have a leg to dtand on.

BTW who foots the bill for the recovery, disposal and clean up??

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - I'd be willing to accept a hand-up, but not a hand-out (of the water). I have my principles.

***

Jmeped - Thank you for remembering to add "virgin". But spork is too uncomfortably close to pork in this case.

***

Sassy - Didn't they already do that in "Yellow Submarine"?

***

Enemy - I heard that's because of the "lake effect".

***

Dianne - This story has been on MSN during the past week. You're right: I'll think I'll save my cute little ass for the right gal.

***

Serena - At this rate I may need all three. Meanwhile I'll be on the lookout for something tastefully tattooed in a pair of Manolo Blahniks.

***

Enemy - I certainly didn't mean to influence anybody, ma'am. Usually they have to be heavily under the influence already, just for me to have a shot.

***

NYD - I don't have all the answers yet, but it appears that the gumshoe may have a leg up on the competition (along with a fire hydrant or two).

Corn Dog said...

I can kind of believe about the feet washing up, but what the heck is an Undersheriff? In other news I was talking to a Park Service professional about the suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge. Yah. Basically, not pretty. Blows their crotch. Can you imagine that at the morgue? Open casket from the waist up.

Little Lamb said...

WAIT!!!! Is this a new post? I can hardly believe my eyes. Let me go back and read it to see what it says and then I can comment intelligently.

Little Lamb said...

Hope you find the culprit in the missing feet case.

/t. said...

interesting!

/t.

dianne said...

Puggles my sweet, I now have a Blog so would you like to bring that cute little tush of yours over and pay me a visit. :) xoxox

Little Lamb said...

I also feel honored. This is the second post you mentioned me by name.

Ignore /t. He's only making fun of me.

GirlGoyle said...

you are just one sick'o! but that's how we like ya!

puerileuwaite said...

Corndog - I don't know the "official" definition of Undersheriff, but if I had one, she would have to be cute and find ways with me to justify the title.

- Sheriff Buford Pugster, Walking Tall County

(p.s. - Based on your Golden Gate info, I plan on having a custom "appliance" firmly in place when it's my turn to jump. The casket must either be completely open, or at least the bottom half (how else can mourners make sure I'm wearing pants?)

***

Lamby - I hope you liked it. Somehow, you seem to frequently find your way into my posts; probably because of your high natural fiber content. /t. may be jealous of that, with Canada being known for its inferior poly-cotton blends.

BTW, you can help me crack this case. Be on the lookout for anyone walking toward the shoreline with extra feet. In most cases, any more than two should be what we refer to as a "red flag".

***

/t. - I see Lamby has you under her spell as well.

***

Dianne - About time! Now I can REALLY harass you. That was one of my first stops earlier. And I shall return. Perhaps not in the triumphant "Douglas MacArthur" way, but in my own special canine boomerang style.

And just in case you don't know the rules, at minimum every other post needs to be about me, preferably in a "Harlequin Romance" style of writing. And remember to be generous with the flowing locks from both my head and chest, when depicting me on horseback for the painting that should accompany each post.

<3 <3 <3

Girlgoyle - Is it that obvious? I thought I kept that well-hidden. This is going to scare off the more traditional, wholesome readers. Pretty soon it'll be just my core group. Oops, I see we are already at that point.

Little Lamb said...

I can do that if you want. But I should add this tiny itsy bitsy fact. Animals have more than 2 feet. What should we do now?

dianne said...

Puggles my dearest, I will do my best to satisfy your demands. Hassle me all you like I need a bit of light hearted fun over there! :)

<3 <3 <3 back at you!

leelee said...

Gross.

limpy99 said...

"Undersheriff Peregrin"???? Really? And they expect us to beleive that this isn't just some aquatic farce foisted upon us by the Tolkien estate? were the feet hairy? Is Sauron running amok in the Pacific Northwest, lopping off halfling feet and then distributing them to his watery minions? Do I have way too much time on my hands?

Well, at least one of those questions can be answered in the affirmative. Clearly, the Hobbit population of the Northwest is in deep shit.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - I think the answer to what we should do now is obvious. We should keep our noses to the ground, looking for clues. Being 4-legged, this should be easier for us.

***

Dianne - Okay, but you really don't know what you're in for.

***

Leelee - Perhaps.

***

Limpy - You have obviously been there (as have I). While some are hobbits, or at least breed with them, others can be easily mistaken for Bigfoot. In fact, my theory is that the infamous Bigfoot film (shot in Northern California) was of one of them on vacation.

Pud said...

You lost your foot?!? Damn the luck!

puerileuwaite said...

Pud - Um, I'm not quite sure you read the post as closely as required for basic comprehension of the story line. Still, I AM up for sympathy sex, even if it means severing a foot to meet your requirements.

dianne said...

Puggles my dearest, I'm up for anything you have in mind! <3 :)

puerileuwaite said...

Dianne - You are wonderful. Don't let anybody (especially /t.) tell you different.

boneman said...

kind'a brings to mind the croc with the mitt in his mouth.

Whew!
Talk about biting the hand that feeds ya!

I suppose it couldn't be that a lot of people are just plain fed up with the price of shoes, huh?

puerileuwaite said...

Boneman - Maybe they're more like yours truly, and are fed up with yuppie runners. I'm hoping, er, waiting, for expensive road bikes (with feet strapped into the stirrups) to start washing up next.