As lamented in the previous post, it's apparent that I may need some help in boosting my popularity a wee bit. The cocktail party was a disaster, and I suspect it was partly due to not having a reputation that preceded me. I need some legal way to create a "buzz", so the ladies are more concerned with impressing yours truly than addressing their own selfish needs.
I think the answer is that I need a pitchman. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce someone who most of you may be slightly familiar with from various commercials for Oxiclean, Kaboom!, Power Putty, Orange Glo, Orange Clean, Hercules Hangars, and other products. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Billy Mays.
HI FOLKS! BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE PUG! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN ON BAD DATES THAT YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO BE OVER? WELL NOW WITH THE PUG, DATES WITH DOLTS ARE A THING OF THE PAST! THE PUG COMES WITH A PATENTED "DUAL CYCLONIC" ACTION WHICH WORKS IN SEVERAL WAYS TO ENSURE THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME! SCHLEPS WHO BREAK YOUR HEART AND YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NEED NOT APPLY ANYMORE, THANKS TO THE PUG!
HOW DOES THE PUG WORK? THE FIRST THING THE PUG DOES IS SHOW UP WITH YOUR FATHER'S FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE, WHICH THE TWO SHARE WHILE YOU ARE GETTING READY! THE BEVERAGE IS TREATED WITH A SPECIAL CONDITIONING AGENT WHICH PRODUCES EUPHORIA AND REMOVES ANY DISTRUST! THE PUG THEN USES HIS PORTABLE, COMPACT ANYTIME DIMMER TO SET THE LIGHTING IN ORDER TO SLOW DANCE WITH YOUR MOM! MOM WILL WANT ONE TOO!
THE PUG WHISKS YOU AWAY IN HIS PATENT-PENDING PUGMOBILE WITH SPECIAL HEATED, VIBRATING PASSENGER SEAT WHICH USES SPACE AGE TECHNOLOGY TO SAFELY HOLD MORE THAN 300 POUNDS!
AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD TO AWKWARDLY FUMBLE FOR YOUR PURSE DURING DINNER FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD TO PAY THE BILL? WITH THE PUG, YOU CAN RELAX AND ENJOY THAT HUGE PLATE OF PASTA! THE PUG COMES WITH A COMPLETE SET OF OTHER PEOPLES' CREDIT CARDS WHICH HE WILL USE TO WINE AND DINE UNTIL YOU ARE BURSTING AT THE SEAMS!
THEN IT IS OFF TO THE KARAOKE BAR, WHERE THE PUG WILL DEDICATE EVERY TUNE TO YOU, LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES AS HE CROONS AND INSERTS YOUR NAME INTO THE SONG! THERE WILL BE NO DOUBT TO ALL OF THE LOSERS PRESENT, ESPECIALLY THE ONES YOU HAVE FORMERLY DATED, THAT YOU ARE THE PUG'S SPECIAL GAL!
AND IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THE DATE TO THE NEXT LEVEL, THE PUG COMES WITH A FULLY-REFUNDABLE INTIMACY GUARANTEE! IF YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED, SIMPLY RETURN THE UNUSED PORTION FOR YOUR MONEY BACK!
PLUS AS OUR GIFT TO YOU, WE'LL ALSO THROW IN AN ENGRAVED SET OF THE PUG'S FAVORITE BLOG POSTS, ALONG WITH A LIFETIME CHAMOIS TO KEEP THEM POLISHED!
ACT TODAY SO THAT YOU DON'T MISS OUT! WITH AN OFFER LIKE THIS, THE PUG IS SURE TO GO FAST!
A Yellow Rose...
2 days ago