Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Great Pugsly - Part II

.

My cousin Foamy lived in one of Good Egg's glittering white palaces with her husband Mr. Foam, whom I'd known from one of their frequent over-the-top drink-fests. They had spent the years since their marriage drifting unrestfully, not unlike Stephen King's floating vampires from Salem's Lot.


I had the familiar conviction (since overturned on appeal) that life was beginning again with the summer. By autumn, my mood would be very different. No longer would I want privileged glimpses into the blogger heart, provided one could even be located.

About halfway between the two Eggs and New York, the motorway hastily joins the railroad and runs beside it for a short distance, presided over by the eyes of one Doctor /t.



Quite inexplicably, the good Doctor opted to billboard advertise here rather than in his native Canada. Some would claim it was for the same reasons that "Doctors" from the Hydroxycut and Liposene commercials can never be successfully Googled.

This desolate area is a valley of ashes, a fantastic farm where memes, what-my-day-at-work-was-like posts, and links to YouTube videos grow like shredded, colon-eroding wheat.

Because I hope not to take another year or so to conclude this story, let's agree that a garage / gas station was located in this particular location of misery and despair. Furthermore, allow me to quickly state that a couple of married rubes lived above the aformentioned garage and that these goobers were cruelly toyed with by Mr. Foam. As you may see before year's end, this plot element will lead to tragic consequences involving Leelee's swimming pool and the shocking discovery of a cadaver unlike the human variety that are frequently encountered in that body of water.




Whew! Glad to get that out of the way! Anyhoo, onward.

There was much speculation constantly swirling about Pugsly. Some claimed he was German, rumoured to roll with the Kaiser. Others obsessed with pinpointing the source of his wealth. Did he always take a penny and never leave one? Was it he who marketed bath-salts as crystal meth? Was he once kept by Martha Stewart?



A few lived in fear of him, worrying that Pugsly may get something on them. Serena's penchant for picking up and disposing of men involved in divorce litigation, K-9's anonymous shipments of explosive ornaments to leftist government operatives, and - of course - Lamby's fleet of Bahamas drug-running cigar boats, were all secrets at risk of exposure.

One blogger thought she heard that he had killed a man once for wearing sandals and not being Israeli, or perhaps was a spy for nosy neutral countries during the war. A horny school adminstrator in Texas heard he was into oil, and henceforth she would stalk him incessantly.

And then there were the ladies desperately wanting, many of them rationalizing: "You can't live forever! This means the shame would have an expiration date!"

One morning, a man presented himself at the door of my humble cottage. "Mr Pugsly would be honoured if you'd attend his party". It was at this evening soiree that I would first meet the mysterious stranger.



Pugsly - "How do you do, old sport? I'm Pugsly. Look here, what's your opinion of me, anyhow?"

Me - "I hadn't really thought about it. I normally choose not to participate in surveys."

Pugsly - "I'm the son of wealthy bean-farmers from the Midwest, all dead."

Me - "Well that explains the smell."* (* note how this witty reply works on 2-levels)

Pugsly - "I was raised in America but educated at Oxford. It's a family tradition."

Me - "I thought it was a tradition for MOST families to raise and educate their kids."

Pugsly - "My family died, and I came into a great deal of money."

Me - "Tragedy is no excuse for that type of perversion."

Pugsly - "Then I lived in many European capitals, trying to forget something sad that happened long ago."

Me - "I tried that once when I lost my hot dog stand business. Frankly, Vienna made it almost impossible to forget."

Pugsly - "And then came the war. I was promoted to Major after I distinguished myself in battle."

Me - "I once extinguished myself in a fire. However it was one that I had set at the office, so there was no promotion."

Pugsly - "Every Allied government gave me a decoration, even little Montenegro, down on the Adriatic Sea."

Me - "It prefers to be called Montecountryofcolor now."

Pugsly - "Please leave."

Later I met the vaguely sinister Meyer Wolfsheim, who was quite acquainted with the mysterious Pugsly.

Me - "Have you known Pugsly a long time?"

Wolfsheim - "Known him? I made him."

Me - "I sure hope it was consensual."

Wolfsheim - "No, I meant that I made his acquaintance just after the war. He was so poor, he wore his uniform because he couldn't buy clothes."

Me - "Ladies love a pug in uniform."

Wolfsheim - "But I thought, that's a dude to bring home, introduce to your mother and your sister."

Me - "*Sigh* I made the same mistake with Ted Bundy."

A week passed and then I was paid an unexpected visit at work by Pinky Baker, one of only two professional golfers who wasn't a lesbian. She caught me alone in my cube, perfecting my stroke.

Baker - "He wants to know if you'll ask Foamy to your cottage and let him come over."

Me - "Who?"

Baker - "Pugsly."

Me - "But I was going to Spackle the den."

Baker - "Looks to me like you've done enough Spackling. Pull your pants up and call Foamy."

The date was set and that morning there was a knock on the door of my cottage.

Worker - "Mr Pugsly sent me over to cut the grass."

Me - "Tell him thanks, but I wax it myself. Oh! You meant the lawn. Yes, quite all right. Go ahead."


...


(Tune in next time for Part III - Romance and Death: Impossible to Separate)

.

37 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

It is so good to finally be back. I missed everyone. I hope you like Part II. I plan to catch up on comments and pay visits tonight. Thanks!

Serena said...

I thought my eyes were deceiving me but, hark, it's a new Pugsley post! And I DO like it. What fun! You spilled some beans, though; nobody was supposed to know about those disposable men. But what the heck, it's such fun to read your astute observations about all of us. Don't make us wait so long next time, okay? There could be a few -- all right, a lot of Canine Carryouts involved here if you just write a little more often.;-)

..................... said...

I'm related to the NARRATOR? Well, actually that doesn't surprise me. It can be a small gene pool out there .. :-). Do you also have 6 toes and fingers? You know that's what makes us special.

Like Serena said though .. Did you have to spill the beans about our over the top drink fests? And our through the rabbit hole topless bachanalian trips ... oops .. you didn't mention those, i did..... curse this gin and tonic.

Anyway, it's great to see you posting again. This witty satire is great fun to read.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - I was worried about introducing the radical concept of disposable men, for fear of shaking the literary world (and society, perhaps) down to its very core. However it's a risk I was willing to take.

I plan to blog again on a much more frequent basis, so I accept your offer of grub and the implied coccooning that goes along with it.

***

..................... - (If that is your real name.) I figured there truly are 6-degrees or less of separation between us having 6-toes and fingers. By my count, that is 3-sixes, which I shall take as an omen.

Admitting that one has a problem, is one of the few healing steps with which I currently feel comfortable. With time and confidence, I may commit you to others.

Little Lamb said...

Oh dear! I've been exposed! Black Bart said you wouldn't tell!

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Please tell me you didn't give him any money to keep your secret safe. He pulls that scam a lot more often than you would think.

/t. said...

i found
the wiki article
on bikini waxing particularly
revealing -- the rest of this blog post just made me laugh a lot

good one, pug -- worth the wait
&
welcome back

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Thanks, buddy. It is good to be back. I enjoy a nice bikini wax after consuming several large bowls of chili, preferably while listening to Elton John's "Candle In The Wind".

Little Lamb said...

Actually I did. I didn't give him all he demanded, though.

dianne said...

Pugsley my sweet it is so lovely to have you back, I have missed you. :)
This is an amusing and intriguing 'part two' of your story, gosh you are a 'pug' of mystery which makes you even more desirable, forget about oil and inherited money you are great just as you are and no need for a tux or a baseball uniform. It seems you have the 'goods' on everyone, I had better be careful with my many new latino friends and our frequent messages in code or you might suspect that I am running an illegal drug cartel. ;-)
Looking forward to Part III!
xoxoxo ♡

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Neville Chamberlain (the British Prime Minister at the time) said almost the same exact thing after his meeting with Hitler. Soon after, Hitler was trying to cross his channel. You may want to have your radar ready.

***

Dianne - Thank you for your praise. I plan to stick around this time for a bit. Pugsly has already been hinting that you may be running operations in Mexico, however I humbly disagree. My suspicion is that Australia is planning a major operation to take over America, and that you are somehow involved. It's always the countries one least suspects: Canada, Sweden and ... now ... Australia.

foam said...

Hey Pug! Just dropping by to wish you a nice long weekend. Hope you are able to relax and enjoy it.

puerileuwaite said...

Foamy - I was just about to enjoy my weekend. Then the unmarked Homeland Security van pulled up and confiscated my fireworks.

foam said...

well, pug ..
ballistic missiles don't really qualify as fireworks ..

K9 said...

explosive ornament shipments to libs? from your flews to God's ears!

You fukken googled the hydroxycut docs? grrrrrrrrrhahahahahahahahaha!

I like you a lot. Youre the low maintenance pug. You blog once a year, and probably shite twice a day. considering this astute observation:

"..This desolate area is a valley of ashes, a fantastic farm where memes, what-my-day-at-work-was-like posts, and links to YouTube videos grow like shredded, colon-eroding wheat...."

its a great trade off. Welcome back. You have been missed!

K9 said...

im a threadkilla!

puerileuwaite said...

Foam - That is not what the other ladies tell me.

***

K9 - I have missed you as well. I like you a lot. So much so in fact, that I continue to plot against Mr. K9 and his nefarious scheme to keep us in separate kennels.

And no, you are definitely not a threadkilla. I think THAT has more to do with my infrequent posting habits. Or the "man". Or both. But (not to) worry: that may soon change ;-)

K9 said...

"the man"

grrhahahaha. you are so good.

leelee said...

thank god for my pool cleaning service...those guys are irreplaceable...

HUGS!!

Anonymous said...

thank god you stopped blogging

puerileuwaite said...

K9 - I try not to be too good. It makes the others jealous (see anonymous' comment below for evidence of that).

***

Leelee - I thought all guys were replaceable. I learn so much here!

***

Anonymous - Don't thank me. I was glad to take my frequent extended breaks in order to create other worlds and lifeforms. However my day of rest is now over and it is time to once again enlighten man - and woman - kind.

/t. said...

thank god for anonymous...

who brings your appreciative audience to dolt ratio back into balance

i for one am leaving my entire 2014 calendar open for part 3!

/t.

foam said...

just popping in to say high .. oops, hi ..
i'll be back in 3 months or more ...

K9 said...

http://mostlypugs.tumblr.com/

K9 said...

LOL @ /t

Serena said...

Pugsley, dear puppy, long enough is long enough. Some things -- and I'm not saying what things -- are okay only every 3 months. This ain't one of those things. We need to see some pugnacious Pug philosophizing going on. Okay?;)

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - The saddest aspect is that I barely know anonymous anymore. Anonymous is like a stranger to me.

And thank you for the extension. Q4FY11 was too tight of a deadline.

***

Foam - High? If you are going to be my exclusive Southeast Distributor, you cannot be sampling the product.

***

K9 - The site URL should actually be http://mostlythisoneladyspug.tumblr.com/

However I enjoyed it nonetheless.

***

Serena - What things are okay every 3-months? If you say "visits from an American Pug Gigalo", then there goes my side-business and it's back to blogging for this canine.

For the record, only the following are okay every 3-months:

1) Rent and mortgage payments
2) French male personal hygiene
3) Lindsay Lohan sightings
4) Pug pays for date
5) Republican candidate makes public statement
6) Sarah Palin tale of sordid behavior surfaces
7) Pug takes Amanda Knox out to nice Italian restaurant
8) Ashton Kutcher issues new tweet
9) Redhead displays irrational behavior
10) Random reader of this blog announces she became pregnant after reading one of my posts

I hope this clarifies things a bit.

Serena said...

Oh, you know, stuff like sun spots and earthquakes and blue moons. Less is definitely more. The stuff on your list works as well, with the notable exception of #9. Redheads have to have that pretty much every day.;)

Little Lamb said...

You haven't done a new post! You don't have to till your ready. Maybe I should kidnap you,

Pink said...

Well done, Pugsly :)

Watch out...the lamb is on the prowl...

xx
Pinks

/t. said...

this blog
is a mere shadow
of its former glorious self

a hollow shell, an empty vessel, a barren expanse, a bottomless pit, a black hole, a cosmic void, a vast nothingness...

/t.

/t. said...

a wasteland
where once was wonder

/t.

Pink said...

A cavern of despair.

And stale air by the way...

Somebody open a window?!

X x
Pinks

/t. said...

pinks,

thank goodness
someone is in here with me

i'm beginning to fear that little lamb has finally carried through with her many threats to kidnap the pug and that we'll never hear from him again now that he's found bliss in a sheep pasture

/t.

Pink said...

Apparently the golfers would like to play through...

...anyone mind...?

/t...?

puerileuwaite said...

Serena - Well if that daily irrational behavior includes nightly dates with a certain Pug, then I accept your terms.

***

Lamby - If only every female said I didn't have to until I was ready. That sure would ease a lot of performance related concerns. Then I could focus more on quality. And if you do kidnap me, you should demand top dollar from the blogging community for my live return. That way I'll know they haven't been taking me for granted.

***

Pinks - Thanks. I'm glad someone appreciates classic Pug literature when they see it. And thanks for the warning. I suspected there was a lamb in wolf's clothing afoot.

***

/t. - Thanks for apparently implying that my blog was once none of those things. I just worry most about people seeing it as a bottomless pit. You'd be amazed how many show up with truckloads of "As Seen On TV" infomercial products to dump.

***

/t. and Pinks - I get the hint. It HAS been 6-months (or whatever the Canadian metric equivalent may be). Kudos for successfully harrassing me into a NEW post and final part of The Great Pugsly saga. I'm just putting on the final touches (wait ... cancel that last sentence ... it makes me sound too much like a Penn State coach). Anyhoo, I hope this makes you happy.

Jack said...

Well, this is cool. :)