Sunday, October 15, 2006

Decoding the Signals


Hello everyone,

Though I do strive for variety in my posts, a trend has become blatantly apparent. One that threatens to morph me into a dreaded "advice columnist". The cruelly elusive hope of interacting with other humans (?) in a romantic context is of great appeal to some (okay, all) of you. So why not borrow from a "Kinks" album title and "give the people what they want"? At least for one more post.

So here goes. For now. I hope you find this helpful. And if not, keep your chins up and remember that self-pleasure has a lot of the same guilt without the expense, emotional investment or need for restraining order.

It’s no secret that the language of love isn't always the most, well, direct. Or socially acceptable, for that matter. That’s why so many single people spend hours analyzing emails from dates trying to figure out if “Please leave me alone” is a brush-off, or wondering whether that invitation of “I’ll make dinner for you” indicates a desire to share a whole lot more than a favorite keilbasa recipe. So how can you figure out the real message? Since I care so very damned much for every one of you, I shall decode eight common lines so you’ll spend less time scratching your head, armpits or nether regions and more time spreading the love.

***

Line: “I’d love to stay out, but I have to get up really early tomorrow.”

What it means: “The prospect of waking up early is infinitely more appealing than pissing away any more of my evening with you."

Of course, if it’s 2 a.m. or your date follows up with, “But let’s get together soon — how does February 29th sound?”, the fact that he or she wants to end the date is no big deal. Unless last year was leap year. Or if it's March. But if the night is young or your date mentions an aversion to staying out late in the middle of, say, greeting you at the start of the date, that’s not a good sign. Your date may sense there’s no connection and may be contemplating a fake seizure in order "pop the escape hatch". At least look at the upside: This person’s also freeing you from a situation that’s not going anywhere, so just enjoy your dinner, then pretend you're going to the restroom and skedaddle out back so it doesn't set you back monetarily.

***

Line: “I had such a good time with you.”

What it means: The use of past tense indicates that the good time was fleeting at best, and has since elapsed. Your date senses that your ability to entertain is not sustainable, and if he or she cuts it short now, there's the possibility of sex with the usual backup.

You may have to carefully consider if it's your lot in life to be the "warm up act". Every great baseball team has to have a good set-up man. A batter who sacrifices the runner over to 3rd base, or a pitcher who guides the game through the doldrums of the middle innings. Take solace in the fact that at least you're on the team.



***

Line: “I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

What it means: “I’m just not ready for a relationship. With you."

It’s hard when someone you like tells you he or she’s not in a place to seriously date anyone. But it also makes you hope that the problem is timing, not your lack of a "desirable" personality. If you can just be patient, you think, things could percolate, right? Wrong. Don’t be fooled — when this person does meet someone who has that spark, he or she will indeed be ready for a relationship. It doesn't matter if the "spark" is Ted Bundy or Courtney Love. As long as it's not you.

***

Line: “I’d love to meet up, but I’m just really busy with work right now.”

What it means: Since being "busy" at work is a voluntary condition, and is rare for most of us, this line is the equivalent of telling someone that you're "married to the sea". Even if you both live in Nebraska. Take the hint and move on. Or join the Navy and search for his or her ship at the rail every night.


Of course, this person could very well have a full schedule that week. But if he or she doesn’t offer any alternative dates to hang out, what you’re really being told is that this person would rather work than hang out with you.

***

Line: “So, gotten any other emails on Match.com lately?”

What it means: “Hopefully you have other potential victims that you can pursue.”

It's a subtle and convenient way of breaking things off while convincing your date that he or she may have "virtual" appeal to other strangers.

***

Line: “So, want to meet for coffee?”

What it means: “Want to meet for a coffee and then have dinner if we like each other?" Though it most likely means, "I want to be as alert and vigilant as possible, so if you try any shit, I'll be ready for it. Plus we'll be in a public place with scalding coffee within ready reach."

It’s always smart to schedule a short, easy-to-end date when you’re first meeting a new person. This is why I recommend meeting at a bus stop. If you don't make a connection by the time the bus arrives, get on. If he or she follows you, get off. Continue this process until it becomes obvious to your date that the date has concluded. And hopefully, it will. Eventually.



***

Line: “I’m meeting my friends for a drink — want to come?”

What it means: “I really like you and want to know if you get along with my pals. Plan on footing the entire bill if you REALLY want us to like you.”

It may sound like a casual invite, but what your date is saying is that he or she is totally comfortable being seen - after dark - with you as a couple, and is interested in how you’ll relate to his or her "orgy circle". Meeting the friends is an approval thing. Women want to see how he treats their friends, and men want to know if his friends like the girl. It may seem intimidating, but it should actually boost your ego: You’ve passed the first tests and are now on your way to becoming a full-time boyfriend or girlfriend—provided the buddies sign off. If you’re feeling just as positive about the relationship, say “Yes,” and start signing your way through the mountain of paperwork.

***

Line: “Why don’t you come over and I’ll cook for you?”

What it means: “You may get lucky ... and NOT get indigestion.”

Cooking for a person is a show of intimacy in a couple of ways. The person is really inviting you into his or her life. Don't get too excited though. It doesn't mean you get to STAY. Someone’s apartment is their whole world, so they’re obviously comfortable enough to make an effort to trap you into it. Then, of course, there’s the fact that you’ll conveniently be just a few steps from the couch — and the bedroom — and the dumpster - later that night. If it’s a first or early date, this might actually be a bit too personal, especially if you’re not sure how you feel about your future together. Unless you're the average guy. In which case "the future" is not a consideration at all. But if you’re pretty sure you’re ready to explore things further, congratulations, tonight could be the night. So be prepared. Have your flashlight, rappelling gear, and protective devices at the ready.



***


Southwestern advice columnist Puerileuwaite has written for his blog and "other" publications that so far refuse to acknowledge his contributions.

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59 comments:

Little Lamb said...

Maybe we all should come to you for advice.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby, since I'm not supposed to "intentionally" give bad advice, I cannot publicly endorse that viewpoint. But since hardly anybody reads my blog, by definition it is not public. So sure. I'll do what I can to help people navigate through life.

/t. said...

Maybe we all should come to you for advice.

Little Lamb said...

HA! Pug you know that's not true. Everybody reads your blog. You get the most comments. Even when /t. and don't bother you!

Pud said...

You know, SHOCKINGLY, this is all pretty good advice.

DykesDog said...

Ughhhhhh, where, where, where , we you with this when I was dating! I am so co-dependent, that I missed so many signs and, and, and failed to use these very lines to GO HOME and put me out of my misery!

I am so glad I do not have to play the dating game anymore!

DykesDog said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Party Girl said...

huh, so the fact that I've said a few of those, like the, 'married to the sea..' says what about me?

The fact that I asked someone to meet for coffee just this morning and I was thinking exactly what you wrote, says that we have great minds!

Bella Page said...

Good Morning Puggy! I was very impressed with your Broncos last night!

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - Thank you. I get that a lot.

Lamby - You and /t. are never a bother (did I just write that?). We are a family of sorts. Not quite like the Manson's, yet eerily similar to the many disfunctional family units that are "out there". Maybe that's the reason for the modest popularity.

Pud - The likely reason is that - due to time constraints - I left in quite a bit of the ACTUAL advice from the original article. Anything you thought was bullshit probably was my "stuff".

Dykesdog - Exactly! That's why I only date cousins and other "non-immediate" family members. Know what you're getting into, I always say.

Party Girl - Where were you when I was writing the damned post? I could've simply transcribed your experiences rather than trying to come up with this crap on my own.

Bella - Good mornin', sunshine! I didn't get to watch the game (except for part of the 1st quarter), but I did see the Chiefs-Steelers earlier (as well as Eagles-Saints). But the Bears play tonight, so I'm happy about that. The Seahawks pulled their game out, so after tonight my teams should be 3-0 for the weekend.

Willo Keays said...

Now that I'm a swinging single .. perhaps I should frequent your advice column more often.

puerileuwaite said...

Willo, I'm just glad to help where I can. Though I probably should have some form of legal disclaimer, just in case I inadvertantly give out any bad advice. Wait. Who am I kidding? ME? Providing bad advice?!

Willo Keays said...

Hey ... any advice in the dating arena is good advice to me! I've not done that in YEARS and years and years. {GOD I am so old!}

Joe Berenguer said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GirlGoyle said...

Well thanks for the rosetta stone on relationships. Sure does explain a lot about my situation. What took you so long to reveal such jems?!

puerileuwaite said...

Willo - Well then, it's time to get back on that bicycle. And remember, you're only as old as you feel. (There, not one, but TWO fresh and unique pieces of "advice".)

***

Girlgoyle - The short answer is that my advice is like fine wine. It must be properly aged before I release it for public consumption. (Plus, the screw tops were on back order.)

Anonymous said...

"Meet at the bus stop"- LOL! That was funny! :)

On a serious note- (apologies in advance here for being serious!)~
The thing you said about cooking- the intimacy- was dead on...but in a greater sense for someone who's been married forever and hasn't been dating in 20 years.
A lot of love goes into what I create, for alot of people.
I needed that reminder today Pug ;) Thank you~

Willo Keays said...

So .. is this the NEW JOB you were telling us about?

Party Girl said...

(hangs head in shame)

Sorry. I will try to do better next time.
I am full, full I tell ya, of way too many real life experiences.

Sad, really.

jmeped said...

How about you can call me later, we can meet at the laundry mat, and you can do my laundry while I catch up on my people magazine?

puerileuwaite said...

Fair Mayden - After receiving inspiration from some of your posts, I'm glad to return the favor. We all go through rough patches. I'm no different (especially of late). Regaining one's perspective is a necessary recurring step. ;-)

***

Willo - Don't I wish. But who knows? All it takes is for the right talent scout to breeze by my blog (while drunk, preferably), and recognize my marketability. Dare to dream!

***

Party Girl - Hold your head (and your breast!) up high. I am delighted by the increased frequency of your visits to my humble blog. Anytime I can trigger a recounting of one of your adventures in my comments section, I'm a happy (and aroused) pug.

***

Jmeped - It's a deal. Fabric softener has the opposite effect on yours truly. Oh, and as long as you don't take a census of your unmentionables beforehand. Every memorable adventure is worthy of a souvenier (or two).

***

Anonymous said...

OMG I really did laugh out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always liked the line "its not you, its me".

Having been married for a million years, I even forget some of the lines I heard. I am sure they have changed over the years but the messages are most likely exactly the same! lmao!

thanks for the smile!

puerileuwaite said...

Kate - It makes my day when I see a comment from a new visitor. Thanks so much for stopping by.

miss_lissa said...

"I had such a good time"


rofl- your def. is a new one for "take one for the team"

Oh my god.
This made me laugh!
Actually a number of things in here did. Great job puggy (although I may have read a simular article elsewhere.. hmmmm... ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery. As true today as it was when I first came up with this line. Please let me know WHERE you saw something similar, because I'm legally and ethically obligated to protect my intellectual material.

/t. said...

HAPPY HNT

from

Little Lamb

.
.
.

lambs, too, have a wild side...

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

Ooh la la! No longer shall I refer to her as livestock. Henceforth she shall be revered as "live-nude-stock". Now if only you could depict her lying down on Broadway!

Party Girl said...

Um, hi.

so, I said, '....I had a really good time, sure we can see each other again" the other night, meaning last night.

When really I was thinking, "Don't walk me to my car, don't walk me to my car I would rather be mugged than have you walk me to my car and try to give me a hug, or a kiss, or a pat on the back...please don't walk me to my car..."


So, I'm guessing the phone call so we can meet again will go something like this: "...your a great guy (kiss of death) I'd really like to be friends with you (go away and lose my number) so let me know when we can go out as friends (did I mention lose my number?) okay? ....."

I just don't understand why men and woman don't understand each other and there is all this miscommunication amoung the sexes.
I mean, don't you guys listen?

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl, you just gave me another post idea! I seriously didn't plan on making this a series, but when inspiration strikes, you should take advantage.

I LOVE your anecdotes!

Oh, and I listen! At least until we're in an relationship.

And me? I'm gone before you can finish the brushoff.

But then it has the woman thinking, "Where the f*ck did he go? NO ONE runs off on me like that!" Then she ends up calling me for another date, just to have another shot at brushing me off properly. I continue to play the reluctant participant. Even through the lovemaking I act disenchanted with the prospect of continuing on. This typically drives the woman past her breaking point. She begs me to marry her. I remain non-committal. Eventually I relent, and feign tepid interest in her, so that she can FINALLY finish the brushoff. I act devastated, and slowly walk away.

Willo Keays said...

What i don't understand, dear pug of mine, is why men like to play games? Why not be open and honest from day 1?

/t. said...

willo,
sweetheart

open & honest
from day one for most of us would go something like,

"i'm a guy. i wanna get laid. and i'm willing to lie about anything anytime to do it."

now, is that really any way to start a relationship???

open and honest from day one...

right

/t.

/t. said...

PS

sans
moustache
today for HNT

/t.

Pud said...

Where oh where is my pug?

puerileuwaite said...

Willo - Unfortunately anything involving human beings IS a game. It's just our nature to try to play any angle we can, at the expense of someone else.

And relationships are most like the game "Risk". Starting out open and honest is akin to placing all of your armies on Kamchatka. Much better to keep your opponent guessing as to your intentions. Feign for Australia, then make a bold move for South America. That sort of thing.

On a positive note, there is hope on the horizon. By the time Jenna Bush is ready to assume the throne, government mind control should be in place. Dishonesty in relationships and ulterior motives in general should be eradicated as a side benefit.

***

/t. - Well said, my sans-moustache friend. Yet another KILLER pick-up line to add to my arsenal.

***

Pud - It's been awful. They've been forcing me to actually EARN my pay! Somebody needs to step in and do something on my behalf. Work should only be for commoners. Next thing you know, my sex drive will start to diminish (hopefully, that's the only "thing" that will start to diminish).

***

Baron Ectar said...

Dude - I cannot believe the clothes my sister wears for you!

limpy99 said...

I love the analogy to being the guy who has to move the runner along so someone else can score. If I had a nickel for every time I bunted someone else into scoring position, I'd have enough to buy me the kind of chick who deson't care about these lines.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I tell you, reading that makes me glad to be out of the dating scene, and I think you decipher the metalanguage of the gutless brushoff very well. People should just speak their minds and the world would be a better place.

Party Girl said...

No problem, glad I could help.

I would like my life to be like, Trivia Pursuit, with each right answer you get a piece of the pie.

Crashtest Comic said...

"Why don't you come over & I'll cook for you," is really translated as:

"I'm too cheap to buy you dinner & but I know once you come over my house I could very simply whip it out & take a chance. What are you gonna do? Either jerk me off, call the cops, or leave."

Like going all-in on a jack-nine off suit.

When in doubt, whip it out!

puerileuwaite said...

Baron - Yes, I did see her latest ensemble. Very sexy. From the "Victoria's Dirty Little Secret Collection", I see.

***

Limpy - I noticed that aspects of baseball do serve as good analogies for life lessons in general. Plus, I can't think of baseball without remembering George Carlin's (in)famous comparison of baseball and football.

***

Enemy - Sorry to disagree, but - for me, anyway - the world would be a much better place if they kept it all to themselves.

***

Party Girl - Trust me. Trying to get a piece of your pie would NOT be a trivial pursuit. I've been watching a steady diet of "Sex and the City" just to prepare for any opportunity. Oh, and because occasionally Samantha flashes her boobs.

***

Crash - I really don't like to whip it out when cutlery is within convenient reach. Emily Post recommends saving that surprise for after dinner, preferably during dessert where spoons are the only available countermeasure.

***

Bella Page said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bella Page said...

I see the Broncos AND AND AND the Chiefs handled themselves well this weekend!

Party Girl said...

With lines like that, mister you may get a piece of my pie sooner than you think!

jmeped said...

Listen today is a tin foil pickle day, and your note says, I blove you pugs not drugs.

limpy99 said...

"I promise not to cum in your mouth"

Translation: "Duck"

puerileuwaite said...

Bella - It was a good weekend. And the Chargers' Merriman just failed a steroids screening. Now if only we can get Plummer to play within his limited capabilities.

Party Girl - I can't wait. Then - just like RevRee did recently in a post - I'll be able to sing "The Jeffersons" theme song.

Jmeped - So was that it? The big tinfoil wrapped "don't ask what it is" special is a PICKLE? I blove you back, but it might just be MY pickle talking.

Limpy - They either spit or they don't, so hitting it where they ain't really isn't necessary.

Tracey said...

omg . . .

you have deciphered my life. . . .

limpy99 said...

Thanks Mr Duroucher.

puerileuwaite said...

Tracey - Welcome! And yes, it's a gift that I have.

Limpy - As a long-suffering Cubs fan, I appreciate the Durocher reference.

Party Girl said...

Hey Pug, How's the new job treating you?

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl, funny you should mention it, as my new job will be part of my next post (which I am about to start writing).

Little Lamb said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Little Lamb said...

In that case, Pug, I'll check with you.

Enemy of the Republic said...

New post when you can? I like your blog.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Thanks. I appreciate your loyalty, despite my relentless efforts to test it.

Enemy - Thank you for your praise. I like you (I reserve the right to say that, without it coming across as a come-on!), and enjoy having you visit and comment.

leelee said...

Never let it be said that I squandered an opportunity to comment on one of your posts P...even if the said post does not pertain to me in any way...However I would like to say that I am ALWAYS thoroughly entertained by your writings..and am always delighted by the responses you generate.

Forever one of your humble commenters...

puerileuwaite said...

Leelee - Sorry, but it's just too little, too late ...

Gotcha!

Just teasing. Besides, when you're "back on the market", you WILL need this information.

leelee said...

do you know something I don't P?????

puerileuwaite said...

I "read" blogs like others read palms. It's a gift.