Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Pick-up Lines

Hi all,

As "The Pug's Farewell Tour" winds down its final week, it's starting to feel long and tedious, just like The Judd's Farewell Tour(s) did.

You have been way too kind with your insightful(?) and numerous comments. The attention has been wonderful and fulfilling. So much so, that I no longer feel the need to ambush people with 45-minute monologues whenever they're foolhardy enough to ask me, "How's it goin'?".

Conversely I no longer have the desire to feign interest in the lives of any actual people that I know or meet during my occasional forays into the daylight. I've morphed into one of the "Sims", which couldn't have been possible without your participation. So thanks, I guess.

Since this is a rare week where I feel the compulsion to be CONSISTENTLY productive (don't worry, it'll pass), I don't have the time or energy to create another ingeniously clever original post. So, I did what comes natural. I stole from Crimson, another blogger. Don't worry, she's cool. So much, in fact, that she doesn't even know I exist. A beautiful woman cannot call you a creep until she crosses paths with you. This is why I prefer to take the path less traveled. The illusion of potential attraction remains intact.

Mention of this takes you back, doesn't it? Back to the days before you learned of my existence, when there was no need to REALLY question God's Plan.

Certainly who am I to offer justification for what the Supreme Being does? But perhaps, just perhaps, I can momentarily boost what little value I have, in the form of helpful knowledge for my female readers in dealing with us pigs, er, pugs.

Crimson's latest post offered the Top 10 Best and Worst Pick-up Lines. All I have to "contribute" are some optional responses to consider.


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Top 10 Best(?) Pick-up Lines:

10-- "I was wondering if you have a moment to spare for me to hit on you?"

Response: "I was wondering how you slipped past the velvet rope."

***

9-- "What's a sexy woman like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?"

Response: "Research on effects of botched lobotomies. Thank you for participating. They have a cookie and some orange juice for you at the bar."

***

8-- "Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package."

Response: "Yes, I was checking out the whole package. I didn't know they accepted fruit shipments."

***

7-- "Who's your friend?"

Response: "At this moment? Dr. Kevorkian, if he'll take my call."

***

6-- "I'm new in town and can't find my way around; could I have directions to your place?"

Response: "Real men never ask for directions. You should emulate one."

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5-- "I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you."

Response: "I may not be the most virus-free chick here, but I'm the only one willing to sleep with you."

***

4-- "You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy."

Response: "Well you must be Jamocha, because the repulsion is making me shake."

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3-- "What's your name?"


Response: "No, What is on first. I am heading home."

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2-- "See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute."

Response: "That's not important. Why does he need the validation? What IS important is that HE thinks you're cute. It shouldn't matter what other people think if you two are in love."

***

1-- "So what haven't you been told tonight?"

Response: "Beware of freaks asking stupid questions. That advice would have proven timely. I SO need to find a new fortune teller."


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Top 10 Worst Pick-up Lines:


10--"Hey, I was just thinking of you! Okay, I'm all cleaned up now though."

Response: "Well that's good. I was telling my friend when we arrived, 'Doesn't that loser look like he just shit himself?' "

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9-- "How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?"

Response: "I am unable to have children, you thoughtless, insensitive prick."

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8-- "What do you say we go back to my place and do some math? Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply!"

Response: "What do you say we add one bouncer boyfriend who pummels you out back, subtracts your wallet from your person, divides the money with yours truly, and multiplies with me in the back of your car?"

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7-- "You might as well sleep with me because I'm going to tell everybody we did it anyway."

Response: "You may as well write your suicide note now, because I'm going to tell everybody that's what happened."

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6-- "Hey babe, do you know that my bedroom is soundproof?"

Response: "Not airproof? What a pity."

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5-- "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag."

Response: *Kicks oaf in the groin* "Mistakes happen. I thought those were soccer balls."

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4-- "I just want to tell you that you have a price to pay for being this cute, and I'm here to collect... your phone number, that is."

Response: "Sure! Got a pen? It's 1-800-4-A-TRANN(Y)"

***

3-- "Did you know women are like parking spots? All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. Which are you?"

Response: "I'm over the sewer grate, next to the fire hydrant, with all of the ashtray dumpings. And yet, despite my humble location, allowing a moped on me seems like such a waste."

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2-- "Can I buy you a drink or do you prefer the cash instead?"

Response: "Silly, you can't buy tampons with drinks."

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1-- "If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?"

Response: "Only if I can meet the man who took yours."


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Ladies, everything I do, I do it for you.

.

76 comments:

Little Lamb said...

"The Pug's Farewell Tour"

What do you mean by your Farewell Tour? You will keep blogging won't you?

puerileuwaite said...

Sure Lamby, as long as it keeps being fun. I meant from this present job.

Little Lamb said...

Please don't give me a heart attack. Even if I can't have you the way I want, I want to still be friends.

puerileuwaite said...

Dare I ask? How WOULD you want me?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Man, that Braille line is pure gold! I gotta write this shit down!!

puerileuwaite said...

Mighty D, I am so disappointed. I thought that WAS your line!

Little Lamb said...

How would I want you? You know how. You told me not to box you in.

tfg said...

The pickup line that never fails me is: "Drop your drawers and I'll be yours." Chicks are suckers for poetry.

miss_lissa said...

awwww... puggy
I see you saved the "heavenly bodies" bit just for me.

how special.

puerileuwaite said...

Lamby - Let me get this straight. You want to put me in a box? Oh, and I suppose you have a "gimp" outfit for me as well. That's just a little too "Pulp Fiction" for this pug.

Besides, I've given up that lifestyle.

Just teasin', Lambycakes. You are sweet. If there wasn't the threat of me bursting into flames if I went into a church (and if I were looking), who knows?

TFG - Thanks, but I could never use a high-brow line like that in the places I frequent. They would beat me with pool cues and nunchucks.

Miss_Lissa - A sophisticated gentleman keeps track of these things. Or so I've read in "Men's Health".

miss_lissa said...

aww c'mon... it was in Maxim, right?

Willo Keays said...

Just saying hello. :)

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - Okay! Fine! It was in ... Reader's Digest! *sob* *sniff* *wipes tears away* Happy now?

Willo - Why, hello there. Can I buy you a drink?

miss_lissa said...

Okay, I cannot post 3 replies with an awww lead in so...

c'mere puggy. Gimme a Hug for being such a bitch and outing you~ and a motorboat if it'll make you happy

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - Oh, you are a sly one. How on Earth did you learn of my patented "motorboat" foreplay technique? Is NO secret sacred anymore?

miss_lissa said...

You have no idea ;)

And what's this about a patent?
you know puggy I think you and I stand at the edge of a very beautiful thing...

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - Do you have another metaphor we can use? "Standing at the edge" evokes painful memories. Those of way too many careless commuters standing way too close to the edge of the platform as the train rapidly approached. And me, right behind them, each time fighting in vain the urge to give them a playful shove.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Someone used a pick-up line on me recently...in an email.
"I'm married and I'm miserable- do you want to fool around?"

My answer~
"Delete" :)

The man who actually stood a chance with me was an adorable bouncer at a club who CARDED ME!
I would have smooched him right there! Hubby would not have approved!
Anyway- somebody got lucky that night...me! :)

Have fun this week as things wind down...

puerileuwaite said...

Fair Mayden - I smooched a bouncer once. But I was intoxicated, and I REALLY wanted to stay in the club. Go on and judge me if you must, but I was born to dance! Thanks.

GirlGoyle said...

Screw the present job. Time to think of the future. You should be loving the last few days there. Slack off! You deserved it. Geez.

As for the pick up lines...well my favorite has always been:

Creep: "let me ask you...do you sleep on your belly?"
Answer: No
Creep: "Can I?"

I bought that guy a drink I was laughing so hard.

Oh and Little Bo Beep there jumping rope still needs to get a grip or make some new friends. She can't be putting all her lamb's wool in one basket - a dog is an unpredictable creature, if you know what i mean.

puerileuwaite said...

Girlgoyle - Screw 'em is right, but I'm not exactly loving my last few days here. Quite the opposite. This is turning out to be the longest week I've had in quite some time, despite the good friends I have here. Friday evening, when I leave, is when I'll be loving it. Then I have to consider changing my home phone, so the pricks can't call me when they realize, "Oh, shit!".

Personally I've never been a fan of most pick-up lines. They are way too "bullshit", even for this bullshitter. If there's genuine mutual attraction and you're both on the same wavelength, something subtle and sincere should work. Get me, Dear F*cking Abby.

Geez, listen to me. Way too serious this morning. Hope I'm not like this all day.

***

BTW, Lamby is a good friend. Everyone has their own style of playful banter. And many of us (myself included) who try to write wacky comments can be (and frequently are) misunderstood in the blog world. Besides, the new friends she makes might make me look bad in comparison.

(So you stay right here, Little Lamb!)

limpy99 said...

"If I told you you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"

"Sure, as soon as they released it from the morgue"

puerileuwaite said...

Limpy, that is a KILLER response! (No pun intended, but I am happy with it.) If you have any more, keep 'em comin'. I may just have to permanently add all of the good ones to my sidebar.

miss_lissa said...

hmmm, I throw something out there and you tell me, the lady, (I'm debating if that word should be in quoations) that I am the one who needs to change the metaphor because it makes you think of pushing people? ummm no. It stands, but thanks.

;)

See, I was almost upset with you but that bit can be read as being saucy because then you wrote this lil gem:


Personally I've never been a fan of most pick-up lines. They are way too "bullshit", even for this bullshitter. If there's genuine mutual attraction and you're both on the same wavelength, something subtle and sincere should work. Get me, Dear F*cking Abby.

---> In one paragraph you summed up why I sauced the guy in the coffee shop and countless others before him. Don't try so hard- It makes me push. It should flow naturally.. like the connection we have. awwwww
(see, this time I ended with an awww)

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - I too felt a connection. I've never said this to anyone before, but it felt like we were ONE person there for one second! But then, I've been used by Canadians before. Some will do anything just to gain coveted American citizenship. Oh, and for the sex too.

miss_lissa said...

anyone have a lighter so we can turn off the lights and sing "give peace a chance?"

mwuah! -big kiss for ya! (should I be concerned that I'm virtually giving a pug a kiss?)

& no worries. This Canadian wears her maple leaf proudly. The days of Clinton have passed when Americans were my heroes. (well not really but I'm aimin here) the current "Solid as a rock-> & dumber then one too" President and his trigger Happy, Heart Weak Vice have me a lil concerned for you guys south of the border there. I must say he's the most interesting President that none of you voted for... twice... lol

miss_lissa said...

but the sex would be good.

DykesDog said...

When men try pick up lines on me ... I always have a way to respond.

1. I have herpes. (this is only used in the most dire of circumstances because it has backfired on me. I wasn't aware that we had mutual acquaintances and I had to practically show them my vagina to convince them that I was full of it. Now they know I'm STD free, but they think I'm a jerk for telling him that and he derives great pleasure from telling everyone that I actually do have the herpes)

2. I need to go. The triplets just set the pest control guy on fire.

3. How do you feel about being diapered?

4. I'm not sure who the father is. No, of any of them.

5. I'd love to meet you! I can't go more than 25 feet from my front door with this ankle thing on. Can you come here?

6. My psychiatrist says I should get out and meet people. It's time I put the fire and all that screaming my god the SCREAMING THE FUCKING SCREAMING..oh..I'm sorry. What?

7. Have you ever seen a third nipple?

8. My only goal in life is to be married. My life is meaningless without my soul mate.

9. I don't believe in oral sex. It's the devils work.

10. I used to be a stripper (this only works if he's dated a stripper before)

Party Girl said...

The, 'best' were pretty good actually.

The bad, well, yeah. Although, I've heard a few of them. Sad.

jmeped said...

How does one respond to this? Aren't all pick up lines bad ones? How about this one- Does your pug always lick himself, or just when he sees me? Oh, better yet, You had me at Captain D's!

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - I must admit I'm rather curious about exactly where you proudly wear it. Oh (*blushing*) nevermind. I just figured it out.

I'm not a Bush fan. Unfortunately that particular family IS competent in the breeding department, so we'll have rigged elections well into the future.

I take your word for it on the sex, even though IMHO the goodness depends on the prowess of both parties. How do you know if I'M any good? Maybe you are so good, that my own ability will be "elevated". This reminds me of a joke ...

***

Doctor: Your wrist is fractured. I'll have to set it.

Patient: After it heals, will I be able to play the piano?

Doctor: Of course.

Patient: That's fantastic, doc, because I couldn't before the injury!

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog - I LOVE your brush-off lines. If I end up putting these on my sidebar, I'll have to include them.

Number 1 is SO believable, I too will require pictures that prove you are clean (If I can have them in time for the upcoming weekend, it would be much appreciated. That way I'll be able to bring them on my camping trip.).

puerileuwaite said...

Party Girl - This is great info. I now know what would be effective on you. It's like learning in advance that you're going to be "scissors", so I know to be "rock".

Jmeped - Why do I always lick myself? Because I can! I'd prefer to have you BEFORE Captain D's. That way we can work up our appetite for fish and chowder, with our own "fish and chowder".

(Why am I so dirty today? It's either the post topic, or "lame duck syndrome".)

Pud said...

Hey ~ Some losers have actually used a few of those lines on me before!

puerileuwaite said...

Pud - Well, just think: NOW you'll be able to pounce on their idiocy like the tiger that you are. Rowwwwwwwr!

miss_lissa said...

hmmm, I've used some of those lines too DD lol

you're awesome!
I find the best response for a scrub in my case is to tell the truth.. I stare them in the eye, come up real close and say... "I have an exhusband & Three children. They're 9,7 & 5." then take a sip of my drink while reality sets in, generally they say "Really?" and a girlfriend of mine will shake her head yes in the background. Then I pat them on the shoulder and walk away. Thanks for playing. Always works.


Pug- I've actual debated getting a lil maple leaf tattoo although not in the place you'd imagine it.

hmmm, yet another nonBush voter. How the hell did that man get in power? lol

Now, when I said the sex would be good I wasn't actually referring to our abilities (however, I am confident in my own)... I was just saying that the sex would be good as in.. I haven't been getting any and you know it sounds like a fanfuckintastic idea.
just sayin.

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - You sound like my kind of woman. One who hasn't had sex in so long, that the experience would likely be enjoyable despite my own lack of confidence and expertise. Plus you're not made of vinyl, so I assume deinflation won't be a problem. For you, anyway.

Willo Keays said...

Please buy me a drink - yes. How about two? Make them strong! I want to ... forget things ... for a little while.

RevRee said...

My personal favorite pick up line....

*drum roll*

"Nice Shoes! Wanna fuck?"


Works every time!

puerileuwaite said...

Willo - Very nice. That one would certainly scare me off. I have enough of my own baggage!


Rev - Welcome back. I tried that line once, but it failed miserably. She said, "Um, we're on the beach, dumbass. Does it look like I have shoes on?" Then she dumped sand down my crotch.

Baron Ectar said...

This one gets me places here in Kansas - Your dreamy skin sings to me, surer than precious fragrance. Golly you sure are purdy.

Pud said...

Yes my "Kiss My Ass" panties come in boxers. So run out NOW and get you some.

puerileuwaite said...

Baron - Good one. I've heard that line too. But a canoeing trip in the backwaters of Georgia is not the "ideal" occasion. I've learned that timing is everything. I've also learned those friggin' Georgia mountain folk are all related, so try to be friendly and accomodating.


Pud - Good news for me. But also bad news, because this podunk town only has a Walmart. But I'll look anyway. Worst case, I'll find a gal with lipstick on to customize my tighty whiteys. But I'm afraid it might tickle when she gets to the front.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I had a guy come up to me and say: "I just want to fuck you. No relationship stuff." I declined, but I was very polite because really that is what most pickup lines really are. I admired his honesty, and I might have gone with him if my libido has said: You go girl!

puerileuwaite said...

Enemy - I must've been raised differently from that guy. He sounds like a real catch. I could NEVER say that to a woman I don't know (or to any woman, unless our relationship was at that level of sexual familiarity). I'm surprised you didn't slap him.

/t. said...

re:

enemy

had a guy
tell me exactly
the same thing -- was buying a used car at the time -- might be different

/t.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

great read pw! a hearty ass laugh on #7. your best friend? dr kervorkian! grrrrrrherherhaha wish i had that pearl handy at the ready just this eve as i trudged through a boring irrelevant art show. but enough about the dicks who are outearning me........#8's funny too.
fun post and just what the vet ordered.

/grrr

Party Girl said...

So then I guess we would need to put down some papers.

miss_lissa said...

bwuahahahaha!!

you know pug, they make a pill for that now.

Enemy---> I had a guy this summer come up to me in the bar, grab my ass and say "You're hot. Wanna just skip this whole thing and fuck?"

*ugh*

Little Lamb said...

Pug you're not the only one who is leaving their job. I'm keeping mine (for now) but Slacker FINALLY walked out. Today was his last day.

Willo Keays said...

Oh no Pug .... I was being serious....

puerileuwaite said...

/t. - So did you go all the way for that Chevrolet?

K9 - Thanks. I wasn't sure if anybody would like the Dr. Kevorkian response. Glad you did.

Party Girl - I like this game! Just be careful with those scissors ...

Miss_Lissa - Not for me. Those pills are for other guys. They call me the honey bee, because I'm always ready to pollinate.

Lamby - Wow. I wonder if this is "slacker moving on" week all over the country? Maybe next week, between me joining my new company, and your employer backfilling with another one, it will be "slacker new hire" week.

Willo - Oh, then in that case, pardon me. Were it possible, I WOULD buy you those drinks.

miss_lissa said...

hmmm well Honeybee perhaps I misread your lil deflation retort then.

Oh btw, happy last day!!
yay you!!

leelee said...

P - thinking of you today as it's your last day....do you start your new job on Monday? or do you have some down time?

puerileuwaite said...

Miss_Lissa - Yay me indeed! Please allow me to borrow from the great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:

" ... free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"

(Until Monday. Then I'll be on another plantation with [hopefully] kinder slave masters.)


Leelee - I start on Monday. No rest for the wicked. But my new boss (who has a morning meeting) said I don't have to be at the office until noon. So I'm going to assume that will be my start time EVERYDAY. Works for me, as I enjoy sleeping in.

DykesDog said...

I am so glad that you are finally finished with that mean ole dog pound! Congrats Puggy! Good luck Monday!

puerileuwaite said...

Thanks Dykesdog! Loved your hot pix BTW.

DykesDog said...

awwwwwwwwwwwww, thanksw Puggy! I forgot to mention this earlier. When you say Hi All, it would sound way more sexier if it was, Hi Ya All. NOT lol!

Crashtest Comic said...

My favorite pick up line:

what's a nice girl like you doing in a clinic like this?

Crashtest Comic said...

(when jogging...)

Your pace or mine?

Crashtest Comic said...

(In a temp agency...)

Excuse me, miss, you must be looking for the modeling agency.

Can I interest you in a handjob?

Crashtest Comic said...

Can I jerk off on your shoes?

puerileuwaite said...

Dykesdog - Actually I'll let you in on a dirty little secret (it's the only one I have). When I write "Hi all", it's a tribute to Ed McMahon from the Johnny Carson days; when Ed would say, "Hi Yo!".

Crash - Welcome back, my friend. Excellent pick up lines, one and all.

Bella Page said...

Good morning Puggy! I will be cheering for your Saints today! Do not forget to cheer for my Chiefs. Chiefs and Saints ... may be my ticket to Glory!

puerileuwaite said...

Actually Bella, the Saints are not my team. In order, I root for:

1) Denver Broncos
2) Chicago Bears
3) Seattle Seahawks

... and ONLY because of you ...

4) Kansas City Chiefs

... and because I liked Art Rooney (the founder), the blue-collar Pittsburgh folks, and Pud ...

5) Pittsburgh Steelers

Bella Page said...

Ohhhh nooo Not Denver ... wait, I have loratab, okay all is well I can cheer for Denver now!

But only because or your pick number #4!!!

So here are my root for alls!

1. Chiefs
2. Saints
3. Broncs!!!

a sad note ... my son loves the Steelers ... I think I shall ground him from TV today!

puerileuwaite said...

Agreed!

Willo Keays said...

{how do you know?}

puerileuwaite said...

{How do I know ... what? ... I'm confused ...}

RevRee said...

Why am I getting "This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:"


Have I been blocked?

puerileuwaite said...

Rev, no. Never! Stay tuned (on yours) for an explanation.

puerileuwaite said...

Rev, use heybodean@hotmail.com for now. I'll explain later.

Willo Keays said...

Never mind - it's not important.

RevRee said...

Got it! Thanks!

Crimson said...

Color me flattered ;)

I like this post, but I like the comments even better.

puerileuwaite said...

Hi Crimson! I am honored by your visit and your comment. I'm a sucker for beautiful redheads. Oh, and also for any woman who briefly acknowledges yours truly in passing!